The Problem With Heartache (33 page)

It wasn’t until the door clicked shut behind me that I realised all the anger I’d held in my body had somehow dissipated, leaving me this hollow shell of emotion.

Alone.

Confused.

Tired.

The knocking on my door had gone on for more than thirty minutes. I’d had three calls from reception, asking me to keep it down, but I didn’t know how to make him go away. I couldn’t.

I just didn’t know what to do anymore. I couldn’t handle this harassment all night, and we had to fly out to New York in the morning for the last set of gigs and media appointments. The schedule was both long and gruelling, and I shouldn’t have been awake.
Lee
shouldn’t have been awake.

But the problem with heartache was it liked to screw you around like that. It didn’t stick to a schedule; didn’t show up and leave on cue.

And that was why, even though I knew I had feelings for Lee, even though I’d kissed him, wanted to be with him, my throat swelled with a lump so big I just had to let it out, and all the guilt and sadness I’d squashed down over Lachlan came tumbling out. Tears welled in my eyes and slowly fell to my cheeks, and I shook my head and tried to hold onto Stacey’s words.
Moving on doesn’t mean you have to forget.

“Kate! Please!” Lee yelled again and kept up his rhythmic assault. I turned on the TV, as loud as it would go.

After a while, the beats stilled, so I turned down the volume. Maybe he’d gone to bed. Maybe now I could finally get some sleep and hope that tomorrow, somehow, this whole thing would be resolved, and—

“I don’t know what I believe either.”

His voice was so soft I could barely hear it. I bit my lip, debating my options before padding over to the door and sliding down it, picturing Lee on the other side doing the same.

“I think—I used to know there was a Heaven. And I didn’t know for sure, but for me, I always thought Heaven would be Hell for the bad people, y’know? ’Cause there wouldn’t be anything there to keep the sinners satisfied.”

Lee laughed, a sad and hollow sound that echoed through the hall. It echoed through my heart. “Then I realised that sinning isn’t such a strictly defined thing. No one wants to commit a sin. Just because you’re a bad person doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy the same things good people do. And no one wants to … no one wants to be evil, Kate. There’s always another side.”

I sucked in a breath, and rested my head against the hard, cold wall.

“I think … I think there has to be something. If there’s not, this whole thing is just too depressing, right? A freaking joke.” Lee snorted. My heart sunk. “And I sure as hell don’t know what that something is. I don’t have the guidebook. I don’t get to speak to those who’ve passed, and I sure as hell don’t want to, and I don’t know that I believe anyone who says they do.”

Silence stretched out between us, blocked by a thick wooden door, while I took in his words. I needed for there to be something. I wanted it so badly it hurt.

“I’m not saying there’s definitely a god; I’m not saying there’s a good place, a bad place, or even an in-between place.” Lee let out a heavy whoosh of air. “I’m just saying that there has to be a place. And I know that when you get there, you spend your life with the people you love.”

I licked my lips, the taste of salt from my tears so strong. “How do you know?” I paused. “And what about the dinosaurs?”

Lee chuckled, and a small part of my heart smiled. I tried to stop it blooming, but the stupid thing grew buds like a darn frangipani in spring. “I don’t know, Kate. But if you don’t believe in something … what’s the point in anything?”

If you don’t believe in something, what’s the point in anything?

The words struck a chord deep within me, resonated against something I already knew. They argued against what Lachlan had taught me: to seize the day, take a chance, and live each moment as if it were—

That was a sentence I couldn’t ever finish. Because he’d had his last moment.

And I wonder if you got those seized moments back.

My phone buzzed on my bedside table but I ignored it and reached my hand up and twisted the doorhandle, inching it open slowly. Lee fell backward momentarily then righted himself with the palms of his hands. We sat there, him staring at me. Me staring at him.

“I don’t know if I’m scared of what’s after, terrified of the future, or mourning the past.” I swallowed. “I just know that when my life flashes before my eyes … I want to see the best moments. I don’t want to see a girl who’s broken, who cries herself to sleep, who wakes up short of breath in a freaking panic.”

Lee stretched out his arm and cupped my face, his thumb stroking over my chin. I melted into his touch, his embrace, and let him hold the weight of my head. I let him hold my world.

Seconds passed, and I wrapped my hand around Lee’s arm, pulled him closer until he was inside the doorway, on his knees, facing me. “Kate …” He shook his head, a cloud marring his eyes.

But this was about seizing the moment. This was about having no regrets. And I knew that if I didn’t do this now, I always would have one.

I grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him closer to me, pressing my lips against his. At first they met a strong line, hard and unyielding, but seconds later his lips parted and I felt his warmth, tasted his sweet, delicious breath and felt his strong, captive hands pulling me closer to him, wrapping themselves in my hair.

My own need met his as I snaked one hand underneath his shirt, parting lips only to yank his top off, desperate to feel his skin, his muscles, his body against me.

“You’re.”
Kiss.
“Not.”
Kiss.
“Embarrassed.”
Kiss.
“I.”
Kiss.
“Took my shirt off?” Lee punctuated his sentence with affection, and I laughed, pulling back to look at that lean body, those strong, defined arms. I ran my nails up his chest, scraping them over his pecs as I went.

“Well, technically I took it off this time.” I grinned wickedly. “But I think I’m going to have to join you at your game and raise the stakes.” I ripped my shirt off over my head, throwing it behind me.

Lee swallowed. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he looked down at my chest.

“What’s the matter?” I asked, reaching my hands behind me. I extended one leg and tapped the door so it moved to close. “Lee Collins, famous rock star, hasn’t ever seen a pair of boobs before?”

My bra fell to the floor, and lust shone bright in Lee’s eyes before he closed the gap between us and met my lips again, his fast and hungry, determined to capture me. Our tongues met and danced in one another’s mouths, an explosion of desire-fuelled energy.

“Kate.” Lee’s hands worked up my sides to cup my breasts, and he moved his mouth down to suck my nipple, his tongue teasing it, working it into a peak until my body yearned for him, swelled into him.

I reached for his pants, my hand rubbing over the hardness I felt inside, and I tried to blindly undo the button, eager for more,
desperate
for more.

Eventually Lee reached down to aid me and together we removed his jeans and briefs, leaving just
him
. I wrapped my hand around his dick and he stiffened from his head to his toes as he bit his lip. “Kate …” he gasped.

I pumped once, down then up, and he shuddered. Relief coursed through me. As I enjoyed the feeling of him swelling in my hand, Lee traced his fingers over my thigh, pushing my skirt up until he was close to my core. He traced his fingers over my panty-line, and this time it was my turn to shudder in anticipation. He teased back an edge and his finger slid against me, teasing me, exciting me, and tension wound itself into a coil as I yearned for more, yearned for more of his touch. I pumped my hand over his hard length faster, and he hovered over me, our kisses desperate and ravenous, designed to consume each other in this crazy lust we’d created.

“Kate,” Lee said, a pitch of tension in his tone, and I groaned into his mouth, biting down on his lip and then releasing it as his actions sped up, too.

“I want you inside me,” I whispered.

He stilled.

“Is that the best idea?” Sweat glistened on his forehead.

“I want this, Lee. I promise you, I’m thinking clearly, and I want this.”

And I did. I wanted to have sex, right then, right there, with Lee Collins. He was sweet, caring, sexy, and we connected—really connected, in the sort of way I’d only ever felt akin to one other person before.

Lee pushed himself to his feet and extended his hand for me to take. I wrapped my fingers in his and he pulled me to standing, leading me toward the bed.

This time, our kisses were slowed, magical, and alive with the promise of something more than just lust—something deep, something dangerous. He unzipped my skirt and it fell to the floor until I stood there in only my panties, all but naked before him.

Lee stepped back, looking at me from head to toe with a smile on his face and bewilderment in his eyes. “You’re so beautiful, Kate.”

Then I stepped back, lying on the comfortable mattress, and he covered my body with his heavy weight. It felt so nice to be underneath him, so safe, so secure, but so exciting at the same time. Our bare skin thrilled against each other, such a gorgeous feeling of being so close to at one.

Lee caressed my body, his fingers tracing patterns over every inch of skin and I burned, tingled, and
felt
in ways I’d never felt before. Heat pooled between my legs, and I shifted my hips, rubbing against his erection, to ready to feel him inside me.

“Have you got …” Lee paused and licked his lips.

I froze. What the hell was he talking about? Did I have … sexier underwear? A pair of handcuffs? A video camera? “Am I … am I doing something wrong?”

Lee’s forehead wrinkled in consternation. “We need protection, Kate. Like a condom.”

“Oh! Of course.” I nodded sagely.
Kill me, kill me now.
Of course a condom. Like, the thing people use when they’re about to have sex. “No. I don’t.”

Lee pursed his lips. “Shit.”

He pulled back and started opening and shutting drawers in the bedside tables, but all he came up with was a copy of the bible.
Most un-sexy.

He disappeared into the bathroom and came back triumphant, a foiled packet in hand. “Thank God for well-stocked complimentary bathroom selections.”

I smiled, but bit my lip. In the heat of the moment I’d been fine, but now? Nerves chased each other through my body, a whirlpool of activity that had all my senses on high alert. This was going to hurt; everyone said it did. And God, what if I didn’t do it right?

Lee ripped open the foil and rolled the condom over his length, covering it in the thin white material. It looked big. Too big to fit in … me.

“Kate?” Lee leaned forward and hovered over me, resting his weight on his arms. His face was so warm, gentle and caring, and his body so damn sexy that I felt my shoulders relaxing just a little. “It’s okay.”

And with those two simple words, it was. He pressed his lips to mine and we kissed, a kiss of promise. Of things to come.

His hands trailed down my body and rested between my legs where he teased me, played with me, until I wanted more, so much more. “God, Lee.”

“You’re so beautiful, Kate.” He stared deep into my eyes, and I melted, my whole body turning into a big puddle of goo. “Are you ready?”

I paused.
This is really happening
. “Yes.”

He eased his way in, pushed inside me. It was slow at first, and I buried my face in his neck, not wanting him to see the face I was making, the sting I was fighting. But inch by inch, he lowered himself, until finally he was all the way inside me and he stopped, still.

“You’re so tight,” he whispered, and I paused in my oh-hell-am-I-going-to-make-it pain to give myself a pat on the back. Well done, vagina. You’re all right by Lee’s standards.

Then, I started to move. Slowly at first, building to a gentle rhythm, Lee stopping every few moments to ask if I was okay. But soon we got faster, and while it didn’t feel great, it stopped stinging and I started to enjoy it. Heat pooled at my core and tension built as he hit that spot, over and over. Sex with Lee felt nice; sex with Lee felt amazing.