The Problem With Heartache (30 page)

I shook my head. “Ryan …” I thought of all the blessings in my life, how lucky I had been. If they’d had me first, I could have been the one in that situation.

“She dropped her wedding ring down the sink. The beating was to remind her to be more careful next time,” Ryan growled the words. I touched his back but he flinched away, shooting me a murderous look. “Don’t act like you understand, bro. You don’t.”

“I don’t.” I shook my head sadly. “I’m just … I’m sorry.”

“I watched him hurt her for years. Sometimes we’d go to the hospital, other times we’d just stay home. She had the largest collection of makeup I’d ever seen. It was the one thing he let her spend a lot of money on; I guess ’cause it helped to hide the scars.”

Ryan’s voice shook, and I didn’t know what to say so I ordered another round of beers. His was near empty already.

“So no. No, I didn’t tell my parents about this, ’cause mine don’t bloody know the meaning of the word marriage.” Ryan took a swig of the old beer, knocked it all back, then started on the new one.

I took in a deep breath.
There but for the grace of God …

“When are you gonna pop the question?” I asked, figuring changing the subject might be the better option.

“Tomorrow. I’ve been out of town for a few days, so I’m gonna surprise her. Tomorrow, I’ll rock up and we’ll go out to lunch. Just a picnic or something, nothing fancy.” Ryan shrugged. “I don’t know, I’m not great at this romantic shit. Hey, maybe I should play her one of your songs!” He laughed, nudging me in the ribs.

“You play?”

“Yeah. A little. Not too great on the guitar, mind, but I gotta tell you, she loves your band, all right. That new album of yours has been on her iPod for weeks.”

“Bartender,” I call the guy over. “Can I get a bottle of Veuve to go, thanks?”

Ryan looked at me, his chin pulled back to his chest. “Lee …”

“You can take it on your picnic.” I shrugged. “On me, of course.”

“I hate handouts. I’m not some charity case you need to—”

“Chill.” I placed my hands on Ryan’s chest. He’d moved up close in front of me, so close I could see the red spidery veins running through his eyes, could smell the hit of weed he must have had before coming into the pub.

Would that have ever been me?

“It’s an engagement gift,” I tried. “A pre-emptive one.” Ryan still didn’t look convinced, and frankly, he seemed a little on edge—had been all afternoon—so I called the bar guy back around. “Can you make that two bottles, please?”

Ryan looked at me questioningly, and I shrugged. “See? It’s nothing. Thought I’d get one for my girl, too.”

The smile he gave me was one of the first genuine grins I’d seen out of him since we’d first met. “You know, I reckon I could grow to like this whole having-a -brother business.”

I clapped him on the shoulder. This time he didn’t pull away.

I stumbled into the hotel lobby. My feet were thick, much larger than I remembered them being. Was I wearing clown shoes? What the hell was wrong with—

“Hi.” Carly waved at me from next to the lift, and I grinned.

“Carrrrrrlyyyyyy,” I greeted her, throwing my arms around her and attempting to lift her off the ground, instead stumbling backward into a wall.

“Lee.” She giggled and gently pushed me away. A few people in the foyer turned to look at us. “Are you … drunk?”

“Shh!” I whispered, droplets of spittle coating the tip of my finger. She was right. Carly was always right. She was so much smarter than me.

That was why we were meant to be.

The elevator doors pinged open and we tumbled inside, then I pressed the button for the thirteenth floor.

“You are a mess.” Carly giggled as I swayed when the metallic box lurched. “What have you been doing all afternoon?”

“Having beers with … my brother,” I slurred. The doors opened and we walked down the corridor to my room where I started rifling through my wallet, then my pockets, looking for the key.

“Your brother …” Carly frowned.

“Yeah … I’ve told you ’bout him before.” Finally I gave up, and turned to Carly with what I hoped was a plaintive expression on my face. “Can you please run down to the front desk and ask for another key? I lost it.” I handed her my ID in case she needed it, and Carly gave a slight roll of her eyes but disappeared down the hall, allowing me to slump to the floor against the door, softly murmuring to myself.

Carly … we’re meant to be.

Present day ...

M
Y EYES
were stuck shut, and there was a warm body pressed up against me. I rested my head back against the armrest and smiled.
This.
We must have fallen asleep on the couch and it felt so nice, so warm, so right to be lying here with Kate that I decided to let it continue for just a moment longer. Just until she woke up.

Only it seemed my body had other ideas, my arm wrapping around her waist, cinching her in tight against me. She groaned and pushed back into me, and I felt her round ass against my cock that was already keen for some morning action.

I leaned closer to her and whispered my fingers over her neck, pulling her hair to one side so I could nibble up it, soft licks, kisses and sucks of her silky-smooth skin. She sighed and it egged me on, my other hand inching farther up her side, the swell of her breasts teasing at its restraint. I kissed just below her ear and it tasted so good, and smelt like apples. Her chest heaved, and—

Her chest.

Heaved.

She wasn’t awake. And I shouldn’t have been there anyway.

Reality came crashing back in and I darted my arm to the side and somehow vaulted over her, as if jumping girls were an Olympic event. I stood there, my hands pressed against my body, my eyes wide with horror as the woman I’d basically groped in her sleep looked up at me with question in her eyes.

“I … I didn’t mean to take advantage of you,” I stammered, shaking my head rapidly. It was the first thing I could think of to say.

“You weren’t.” Kate sat up and brushed her hair out of her face, her legs sliding over the couch till they were on the floor in front of her.

I ran my hands through my hair and turned away from her, rubbing my eyes. “I’m sorry.”

Silence.

“You came onto me.” Kate’s voice wobbled as she spoke the words, and I gritted my teeth together, determined to stay strong. I had to stay strong. For Kate.

Soft footsteps padded toward me and I knew she was standing right at my back. Two small hands roped their way around my waist and I turned to look at her, unable to refuse her softness, her raw emotion. “Lee … I slept with you.”

I couldn’t help but smile. “In the most literal sense of the word.”

She shook her head. “For me, that’s a big deal. I haven’t done that with anyone since …” The words trailed off and once more I gave myself a great big pat on the back for being the world’s biggest idiot. Yes, somehow I had managed to fall, and fall hard for a girl. I was breaking the rules, rules set because I didn’t deserve to be happy, and Kate didn’t deserve an asshole like me. She’d lost someone amazing; she needed someone special.

I placed my hands on her waist. “Kate, I …” The words got stuck in my throat. I flicked my gaze down to her lips, staring at those rosebud pink full gems that shone up at me. Kate slid her tongue slowly across her bottom lip and I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to have one taste.

Just one.

My arms snaked around her waist and I pulled her to me, crushing her lips with my own. It was a kiss full of passion, desire, and her soft, sweet lips were like honey to me, singing a song of redemption and affection all at once.

She parted her mouth and I darted my tongue in, duelling with hers as my hands roamed up her back, pulling her tighter to me, so tight that her breasts pressed against my chest. I fisted her long hair in my hand and she gave a little moan as I tugged against it, biting down on my lip and causing my dick to twitch in my pants.

I wanted her; I wanted her so badly that it hurt. I wanted to take off that dress, so I lowered my hands to the hem and started to reach up. I wanted to see her here, naked. I wanted to explore her body with my fingers and my mouth, making love to every sweet inch of her.

I froze.

That.

That was the problem, right there. I didn’t want to go
making love
to anybody. Not after I’d promised. Not when I didn’t deserve it.

I wrenched my lips from hers and released my grip on her body, my hands falling to my sides.

“Lee …” Kate looked up at me, studied me, and the innocence in her eyes? The hope she had kindled there? It broke my fucking heart.

“Sorry.” I raised my hands to my head and laced them over my crown, staring up at the ceiling as if it might have a logical explanation for why I’d so suddenly pulled away after being so very clearly into it, into her.

Kate took a small step forward and stood on tiptoes, pressing her sweet lips to mine again, and I groaned, then stepped back, my hands now on her shoulders, keeping her at a safe distance.

I couldn’t do this.

I wouldn’t.

I stared at my feet, hoping they’d somehow get me out of this awkward situation, but they were not moving, and neither was Kate.

Until she was. Then she was a nervous flurry of activity, all at once gathering her belongings, pulling her dress down, trying like hell to get out of there as quickly as she goddamn could.

“Sorry, I should never have …” She trailed off, because we both know it was just as much me as it was her, if not more so.

I wanted so badly to step forward, to pull her into my arms, to tell her I wanted this. Because seriously, a part of me did. She was so refreshing, so honest, so
real
that I would love to try and see where things between us could go.

But I couldn’t.

Promises were promises. And I wouldn’t let mine be broken.

Instead, I watched Kate finally get her shit together and leave the apartment, her heart and her head very clearly scattered in the room behind her.

But I was still standing.

I was always still standing.

Even if I fucking hated it.

I’d been lying on my bed for hours, staring at the ceiling, hoping for an answer. None came. I opened and closed the letter I’d started to Kate the day before, hoping a solution suddenly inspired me, but none rose to mind.

The bottom line was, I had to make a choice. A choice that should have been easy. A choice that was really not a hard decision at all.

I would do anything for the ones I loved.

And keeping them safe was paramount.