The Prom Goer's Interstellar Excursion (19 page)

“Go ahead, Bennett,” said Cad. “Tell her the news about the rest of the trip. We've got to get on the road.”

“Sophie,” I said. “I know this is annoying, but we've got one more stop. It's a music festival.”

Sophie shook her head and gave me a look. “Are you
kidding
?”

“I'm not.”

“While I'd
normally
be up for partying, I think I've had enough
fun
in the last couple of days,” said Sophie. “Can you drop me off
before
you—”

The sentence wasn't even out of her mouth when Skark burst in through the door of the restaurant. He was clutching a velour cape over his skeletal shoulders and scraping crusty makeup from his face. He looked like some hideous, cracked-out demon.

“What in
God's
name is going on here?” he yelled, shuffling toward us.

Sophie yelped at the sight of him.

“Oh,
shut up
,” said Skark. “I almost had the same reaction, looking at your outfit.”

“I have been running for my
life
,” said Sophie.

“That's all life is, rapid movement and trying to stay alive—get used to it,” said Skark. “
God
, what a headache I have. What did I
take
?”

A waiter scrambled out from behind the counter and began waving his hands in front of Skark, trying to get him to leave.

“Customers only,” said the waiter. “Leave now.”

“Customers only? Who do you think is
paying
for this meal, apparently straight from my personal savings?” Skark looked at his bandmates. “You don't think I check my boots to make sure my nest egg is safe whenever I wake up? And now it's
gone.
”

“We used the money for instruments,” said Driver.

“You spent
all
my money on instruments?”

“And a bribe,” said Cad.

“A bribe?” said Skark. “Were we detained at a border?”

“It was for Sophie,” said Cad.

Skark stood at the front of our table, staring at Sophie, too twitchy to sit down. His eyes were bloodshot and he was sweating, residue from the booze and pills exiting his body any way it could. “Would someone mind telling me
who this is
? With all the
strays
that come onto the bus, sometimes it feels like I'm the owner of an
orphanage
instead of a legendary front man.”

“This is Sophie,” I said. “My prom date. Sophie, this is Skark Zelirium, lead singer of the Perfectly Reasonable.”

Skark thought about this for a moment. I could see him working out what it meant in his mind.

“Hold on,” he said. “You went to Jyfon while I was
sleeping
?”

“We went to Jyfon while you were
passed out
,” said Cad.

“We have
Dondoozle
to get to. How far off course are we?”

“I'm going to use a shortcut to make up time,” said Driver. “We'll get to Dondoozle with time to spare.”

“What shortcut?”

“Through the Hyperbolic Back Roads. It's the only thing that makes sense.”

Skark petulantly stomped on the ground, grabbed Cad's chopsticks, and broke them in half.

“Being
swung
from the orbit of
one
world to the next as slowly as possible,” said Skark. “What a
pleasant
way to travel. You
know
I get motion sickness, especially when I'm feeling a bit hungover. I can't take this. I'm getting rid of this girl.”

Skark took a fast step toward Sophie, but as I got to my feet to protect her, I felt Cad's hands on my shoulders, forcing me to sit back down. Cad stepped around me and got in Skark's face. He was stealing the moment.

“If you're going to do anything to Sophie, you'd better be prepared to throw
me
out first,” said Cad.

“Fantastic,” said Skark. “I would
relish
the opportunity to be rid of you.”

“
Make the first move, then,” said Cad.

Skark and Cad stared at each other until Skark's body shook involuntarily, still trying to process the booze and drugs. He was weak. He pulled his cape tight around his shoulders.

“I'm feeling too ill for this,” said Skark. “Ridding the bus of these leeches will have to be delayed. New girl, Sophie, whatever your name is, know that one way or another, I'll be through with you soon. Bennett, I've been told that deep space smells a bit like burning metal and barbecue. I look forward to you confirming this for me imminently. You can just give me a nod before you lose consciousness as I'm waving to you through the window.”

Skark hobbled back toward the parking lot, shuddering and looking into empty bottles to see if there was any alcohol left.

“Thank you, Cad,” said Sophie.

“Thank you,
Cad
?” I said. “I was
trying
to stand up to defend you, and Cad held me
down
—”

“Sophie, I just want you to know I'm taking a personal interest in keeping you safe,” said Cad, ignoring me.

“
I'm
the one who saved you from Jyfon,” I said. I knew that my protests might come across as touchy—after all, the most important thing was that Sophie was safe, not who got credit for her life—but now I understood the manner in which Cad was going to move in on my territory. He would present himself as Sophie's protector, a bulwark.

“Technically, Bennett,” said Cad. “And I don't mean to be a stickler here, but I'm the one who came to the rescue with the
bus while you were being overrun. So it wouldn't be unreasonable to say that
I'm
the one who saved her.”

“You
both
saved me,” said Sophie. “Why is this some point of contention?”

“I followed you into
space
,” I said.

“I'm fully
aware
of that,” said Sophie. “I'm here in space right now too, remember?”

“Again, I don't mean to be picky,” said Cad. “But it wouldn't have been
possible
for you to go to space had I not invited you along as the guest of this band, would it? Which sounds to me like more evidence that I'm the one who rescued Sophie. But it's déclassé to fight for credit.”

“Did you just use the word
déclassé
?” I said. “I've barely heard you use anything but single-syllable words up until now.”

“Maybe I was just waiting for someone who could handle a higher-end conversation,” said Cad, faking being smart. “Come on, Sophie, I'm sure you've got questions you'd like answered.”

Cad and Sophie got up from the table and walked out of the restaurant side by side. Through the window, I watched Cad put his arm over Sophie's shoulders and whisper something just before they disappeared into the Interstellar Libertine, and then I heard her laugh.

“HA…hehhhhhhh…”

Cold rage swelled through me. I rolled an egg roll around on my plate with a fork. I could feel Driver staring.

“Cad's stealing your lady, man,” said Driver. “This is the
same thing he did to Sheila and me after we got married. I mean,
right after.
As soon as we exchanged rings, he seduced her. She was still wearing her dress. They spent my honeymoon together.”

“And you forgave him?”

“Who said that I forgave him?” said Driver. “We're in a band together. I don't have to like him.”

“But you and Cad aren't even the same
species
,” I said. “Why would he go after your girl?”

“Cad doesn't care. That man will hit on anything. Unless you do something, Sophie is going to be on his arm, regardless of how far you traveled for her.”

I was in shock. One minute I had traveled
billions of light-years
to save the girl whom I wanted more than anything, and the next, she had been snatched from me by a sleaze I had thought was my friend.

Driver got up from the table and shook his head as he passed my chair, disappointed in me. I was alone. The same waiter who moments before had tried to shoo Skark away from the premises came over and began cleaning up, picking up the plates with one hand and wiping down the table with the other.

“That guy's girlfriend is
hot
,” said the waiter.

“She's not his girlfriend,” I said. “She's with me.”

“I would
not
have thought you were together,” said the waiter. “I was looking at her the whole time.”

“It's weird you were watching.”

“We don't get many girls who look like
that
up here.”

“
How did you even get up here?”

“My parents were born here,” said the waiter.

“Don't you ever get the urge to go to Earth?”

“Everyone says it sucks.”

“Yeah, it can. They're not entirely wrong.”

I got up from the table and walked to the door.

“You forgot this,” said the waiter. I turned around, and he tossed a plastic-wrapped fortune cookie to me.

“I'm not a big believer in fortune cookies,” I said.

“It seems like you need advice.”

I picked it up and cracked it open. I read the message:

DON'T LET OTHER GUYS TAKE YOUR GIRL, BENNETT

“You've
got
to be joking,” I said.

“The guys who write fortunes out here have a machine so they can travel into the future to see what's what,” said the waiter. “They're always pretty accurate.”

I saw the bus lift off the ground outside the restaurant, and I ran for it. Inside the bus, I heard Sophie again:
“HA…hehhhhhh…”

Cad and I were going to have a chat.

“Here you go, Walter,” I said, extracting the grass I had taken from Jyfon from my inside pocket. “It was all I could take with me, but I figured it might be a nice break from Chinese.”

Walter's eyes went wide. I thought he was going to cry.

“You brought me
grass
?” he said.

“I wish I could have brought you more.”

I set the grass in front of him on the floor of the closet.

“This is the nicest thing anybody's done for me in
years
,” said Walter.

“My pleasure.”

I watched Walter lean down and—methodically, savoring each individual blade—chew on the end of each piece, slurping it up into his mouth as his eyes fluttered in satisfaction.

“
Thank you. So much.”

“Enjoy it,” I said, closing the closet door to give him privacy. I could hear his snorts of pleasure through the wood.

Sophie had been sleeping for a couple of hours on an oversized ottoman at the back of the bus, snoring lightly. Exhausted. The snores sounded like a miniature variation of her laugh, but instead of a
“HA…hehhhhhh,”
it was more of a
“WER…werrrrrr.”

I might have found it adorable had I not been so irritated. I was listening to Cad tinker on Skark's guitar, trying to write a song.

“Oh, pretty girl, I met you far from home…,”
he sang.

With every new lyric, I grew more annoyed.

“Now I know why I've been flying around…. Sophie Sophie…But only with you have my feet left the ground…. Sophie Sophie…”

“You sound ridiculous,” I said. “You're thirty and she's still in
high school.
It's a good thing there aren't age-of-consent laws in space.”

Cad looked up at me.

“She's already told me she's
eighteen
, and
you
told me yourself that you're graduating in a couple of weeks,” he said. “What's the problem? Picasso had a teenage muse, why can't I?”

“She's not
your
muse. She's
my
muse. I don't want to hear you using Sophie's name in your songs.
I
use Sophie's name in songs. You've been with a million girls, leave mine
alone.
”

“You write songs?”

“I write songs. Yes. Of which Sophie is a
dominant
part.”

“Can I hear one?”

I paused.

“I've never actually completed one,” I said. “I'm not always great at finishing what I start, but that has nothing to do with this.”

“I see. How about we make a deal, then.
You
feel free to use Sophie's name in song
fragments
, and
I'll
use her name in
real
songs, and then someday you can release an album of
couplets
that you can sell down at the local open mike night. I'll handle the proper album, thank you.”

“It's going to be hard to release an album if your band hasn't written a new song in five years.”

“
Skark
hasn't written a song in five years. I've written hundreds, he just never uses them.”

“I don't blame him. I'm listening to you working on this, and it's terrible.”

Cad lifted the guitar strap over his shoulders and rested the instrument on the chair beside him.

“If you're sore about this girl, I'd like to point out you said she was your
date
, not your girlfriend. If you aren't official, it's game on.”

“How official do things have to be for you? Driver said you went home with his wife on the
day
they were married.”

“I regret that decision. Sometimes at weddings you hook up with women you wouldn't expect.”

“She was the
bride.
”

“
And Skark wrote a hit song about it: ‘Forbidden Cake, Forbidden Frosting.' Top ten in fifty-three galaxies. That's what you
do
with these awkward situations. You channel them into
art.
”

“I don't
want
Sophie channeled into your art. I want her back in New Mexico with
me.
”

“I hear you, but the fact remains, you two aren't technically together. As far as I know, she might just be your neighbor who agreed to go to the dance with you or something.”

I didn't say anything.

“She
is
your neighbor who agreed to go with you, isn't she? It gets better and better. I'm sorry, but the gloves are off.”

“I came to
space
to rescue that girl, and the
moment
I get her back, you swoop in.”

“It's not my fault she and I are hitting it off.”

Something in my brain snapped.

“Leave her
alone
!” I yelled. I leaped at Cad, knocked him to the ground, and stared into his eyes while squeezing his face with my fists.

“Stay. Away. From. Her,”
I said, punching him in the side with each word.

Cad tried to block my blows. “Not if you ask me like that…”

“I
mean
it,” I said, pulling him toward me by his shirt and slamming him back down onto the ground again and again. I was prepared to kill him. I wasn't sure what the penalty for murdering somebody in space was, but I was willing to go before whatever tribunal was in charge and defend myself. A crime of passion.

“If you don't
back off
, you and I are going to have
problems.
I will stay awake until you fall asleep. I
will
chop you up and I will
eject
you out of here, and I will make sure that we're
near
a planet so I can watch you
burn up
in its
atmosphere.
You got that, Cad? Are we
clear
?”

Cad thought about this.

“You sound like Skark,” he said.

“I've been having to listen to him a lot,” I said. “I'm not surprised some of his personality has rubbed off.”

“Does Sophie have any cute friends?”

“She's not a big socializer at school, but I can check,” I said.

“If you do that for me, I'll call off the pursuit,” he said. “You know, I didn't think your body could be any stranger than I already thought it was, but having you on top of me is like being mounted by an angry Slim Jim. Now get
off.
”

I rolled off Cad and collapsed out on the floor next to him, out of breath, my heart pounding. I wasn't used to such physical confrontations.

“You're stronger than you look,” said Cad. “You don't look like you have any natural athletic ability.”

“I didn't think I did,” I said. “I must have a lot of unused adrenaline saved up from my youth.”

And then…

“Um,” said Sophie.

Cad and I looked up, and saw her staring at us from the ottoman.

“When did you wake up?” I said.

“
As soon as you tackled Cad. It was pretty loud.”

“I see,” I said. “So…did you hear all of that?”

“You were practically shouting,” she said. “And we're on a bus. So yeah. I heard all of that. Did you really think I was interested in Cad?”

“You're not interested in me?” said Cad.

“What is
wrong
with you two?” said Sophie. “You have all the glories of the universe in front of you and you're arguing about a girl. Grow
up.
I'm using the restroom, and you
better
stop being creepy by the time I get out. I'm so
tired
of being here.”

Sophie got up, opened a door, and yelled.

“Hello,”
I heard Walter say.

“
Why
is there a
ram
in the bathroom?” she said.

“That's the closet,” said Cad. “The bathroom is the next door down.”

“This bus is
psychotic
,” said Sophie, slamming the closet shut and opening the door to the bathroom.

Cad looked at me.

“Man, she's attractive,” he said.

“I can still
hear
you,” said Sophie from the bathroom. “Let's just get to this festival and get home. This is a nightmare.”

Sophie was looking out the window, arms around her knees, tracing the paths of the passing comets with her eyes. She'd slept as much as she could, I guessed. Though her
environment had changed, she was just as stuck and not in control of her fate as she had been a few hours before. I felt bad about my own actions. It wasn't much of a heroic rescue if you didn't get the girl you rescued home safely. And it was even worse if you immediately jammed her into the middle of a love triangle to boot.

I walked over to her.

“Mind if I pull up an ottoman?” I said.

“If that's what you want to do,” she said.

I dragged the puffy, circular piece of furniture next to her and joined her in just looking outside. I could see why she'd been staring out the window so long. Driver was coasting, and she was watching a meteor shower from above, comets raining down on the red atmosphere of a planet below us, bursting into pools of fire as they split apart.

“Do you think anybody lives down there?” I said.

“I don't know. It has a bunch of those swirling red Jupiter spots, which I think are unpleasant places to be.”

“Probably better than living on a bus with three guys and a ram,” I said.

“Four guys and a ram,” she said. “You're forgetting to include yourself.”

The Interstellar Libertine soared out of view of the planet being assaulted by comets, and once again everything looked far away—blinking pinwheels and atomic crayon streaks of magentas and blues swirling together.

“I'm sorry that you heard us fighting over you,” I said. “But
to clarify, I never said you were my girlfriend. I know that we're just going to a dance, and that's it.”

“I can't believe you came after me,” she said.

“Those aliens really ruined the night we were having,” I said. “It made me mad.”

“It was a good night up until that point.”

“It was the best night I ever had,” I said. “Plus, going after you seemed easier than explaining the situation to your parents.”

Sophie rubbed her eyes.

“I bet they're freaking out right now,” she said.

“You're fine,” I said. “I'm sure they just think I kidnapped you. I walked out of the desert alone and abandoned my truck in the drive-through of an In-N-Out Burger.”

“After I was abducted, you went and got
food
?”

“I know how that sounds. But it was In-N-Out.”

“At least it was In-N-Out,” she said. “Those burgers are great. I would have done the same thing.”

“That's where I met these guys.”

Sophie turned and looked at the band. Skark was scrounging in the seat cushions, mumbling something about missing his stash. Cad was tuning his bass. Driver was tapping on the controls of the bus with his drumsticks, giving a good
whack
to what appeared to be very sensitive equipment every time he came around to the downbeat.

Due to Driver's habit of drumming while driving, the dash-board looked like it had been shot up by a Gatling gun. The glass protecting the digital readouts was covered in spiderweb
cracks, and several gauges were permanently unlit because the bulbs had been broken so many times. I could only assume that Driver was piloting the bus mostly by feel at this point.

Driver shoved the drumsticks into a space next to his seat and nonchalantly started flipping through a fashion magazine.

“I can't believe this is where I am right now,” said Sophie. “This is the first time in my life I've actually missed home. Boring, terrible Gordo, New Mexico.”