The Queen & the Homo Jock King (20 page)

Matty:
IT WAS LIKE I’D LOST HALF MY BODY WEIGHT

Matty:
WHEN I WAS DONE THEY GAVE ME A RIBBON FOR BEST IN SHOW

Matty:
AND SAID THEY’D NEVER SEEN SO MUCH PLACENTA

Matty:
THAT WAS IT. THAT WAS MY JOKE

Paul:
Oh. My. GOD.

Larry:
ahahahaha!!!

Nana:
LOLOLOLOL

Corey:
Lmao!!

Vince:
is dat y paul looks like monster bb in the bb pics?

Larry:
Yeah, we told everyone he was triplets but consumed his siblings in the womb

Paul:
DAD

Larry:
PAUL

Matty:
PAUL!!!

Nana:
PAUL JFC

Corey:
PAULPAULPAUL

Vince:
paul

Paul:
Goddammit

Larry:
Language!

Matty:
I AM SO HAPPY FOR DARREN AND SANDY

Vince:
surprise. I didnt think theyd do it yet

Nana:
Love works in mysterious ways. LOL JK

Paul:
I told him we’re going to double date

Corey:
I’m going too so I can fifth wheel it. I want to make it awkward

Vince:
its coreys turn next fur love & sex face <3 >_<

Corey:
Oh look, I have to go

Nana:
Corey, is there anyone you want to bone? WTF

Matty:
YOU WILL FIND LOVE COREY. I PROMISE

Larry:
If a twelve pound baby can, you can too.

Paul:
DAD!!!!

Larry:
Paul!

Matty:
PAUL

Nana:
Paul ERMAHGAHD

Vince:
imma freddie prince jr u laterz. u dont even know

Matty:
I STILL DON’T GET WHAT THAT MEANS

Larry:
It’s a Dom/sub thing, Matty. It’s code for playroom talk

Matty:
OH. PEOPLE DON’T GET IT WHEN I SAY MY SON IS A PONY

Paul:
WHY ARE YOU TELLING PEOPLE THIS!!!!!

Larry:
Because she’s proud of you, son. We all are

Matty:
I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY. IF IT’S AS A HORSE THAT’S FINE

Paul:
I’m not a fucking horse! Or a pony! VINCE IS NOT MY DOM

Larry:
Language!

Vince:
get in the bedroom boy b4 I spank you

Nana:
JFC WTH

Paul:
NOT HELPING VINCE

Matty:
I LOVE YOU BUT I DON’T WANT TO ACTUALLY SEE IT

Larry:
Seriously. Keep it in your pants, Paul

Paul:
Oh my god

Matty:
LARRY DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN PAUL WAS 12

Matty:
AND HE KEPT GOING THROUGH TOO MANY SOCKS

Paul:
Mom

Matty:
AND WE COULDN’T FIGURE OUT WHY

Matty:
LIKE WHO WEARS THAT MANY SOCKS

Paul:
Mom!

Matty:
AND IT TURNED OUT HE WAS MASTURBATING INTO THEM

Vince:
wut

Corey:
lololololol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nana:
OMFG

Matty:
AND THEN PUTTING THEM IN THE HAMPER

Matty:
THERE WERE LIKE THIRTY SOCKS A WEEK

Paul:
MOM STOP IT

Matty:
SO WE WENT AND BOUGHT HIM KLEENEX AND LOTION

Matty:
AND LEFT IT WITH A NOTE ON HIS BED

Matty:
THE NOTE SAID THAT WE LOVED HIM

Matty:
AND THAT WE ALWAYS WOULD

Matty:
BUT HE NEEDED TO STOP MASTURBATING INTO HIS SOCKS

Matty:
AND TO SCARE HIM

Matty:
WE TOLD HIM THE WASHING MACHINE COULD GET PREGNANT

Vince:
WUT PAUL WUT

Corey:
LOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nana:
ROTFLMAO TOTES 4REAL

Matty:
AND THAT IF HE KEPT MASTURBATING INTO HIS SOCKS

Matty:
HE COULD BE A FATHER TO A WASHING MACHINE BABY

Matty:
HE CAME CRYING TO US TWO DAY S LATER

Matty:
SAYING HE WOULD TAKE RESPONSIBILITY IF HE HAD TO

Matty:
THAT HE WOULD QUIT SCHOOL AND GET A JOB

Matty:
TO SUPPORT HIS WASHING MACHINE BABY

Matty:
HE TOLD US HE COULD WORK AT DENNY’S

Matty:
OR BLOCKBUSTER

Matty:
OR BOTH

Matty:
GOD I LOVE BEING A PARENT

Larry:
I remember that! Talk about gullible. Hey, Paul

Paul:
What

Larry:
Did you know that gullible isn’t in the dictionary?

Matty:
GOOD ONE LARRY. PAUL IT ISN’T IN THE DICTIONARY

Larry:
You should look

Matty:
GO LOOK PAUL

Paul:
I can’t wait until you’re both old and senile

Larry:
At least we didn’t believe washing machines could get pregnant

Matty:
BOO YAH. YOU’RE SO BURNED

Corey:
Seriously, Paul. You just lost at life

Vince:
I still love u even if ur weird

Nana:
BRB AFK

Paul:
Sandy’s done, everyone ignore their phones!

Me:
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS

Me:
I’M BEING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW

Me:
PAUL I’M GOING TO KILL YOU

Me:
I’M GOING TO SCRATCH YOUR FUCKING EYES OUT

Me:
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU

Me:
THERE WILL BE NO END TO YOUR SUFFERING

Me:
BTW, that joke was funny, Matty. Good job

Me:
And I used to masturbate into socks too

Me:
But I did my own laundry

Me:
So….

Me:
Where was I?

Me:
YOU’RE DEAD TO ME PAUL

Me:
DO YOU HEAR ME

Me:
DEAD!!!!

Nana:
Back. What did I miss? WTF JFC LOL JK

AT SIX
on the dot, the doorbell rang.

I groaned but reminded myself that the sooner we did this, the sooner it would be over. It was this thought that I held in my heart as I opened the door and—

Darren was there, of course.

Fucking Darren Mayne.

With these tight fucking pants that looked like his muscular thighs just wanted to
burst
through and a gray sweater that I
swore
showed the fact that his nipples were hard for some reason that I most certainly did not want to know about. He hadn’t shaved and had a thin layer of scruff on his face that I resolutely did
not
want to sit on because such an idea was absolutely not on my agenda for this date. He looked pleased with himself, like he knew something I didn’t, and I didn’t even stop to think what it meant when his eyes trailed me up and down.

He said, “You look good.”

I said, “I know. I do have a mirror.”

The eye crinkles were back because he was
amused
by me, like he found me
entertaining
. Obviously he was up to something so I needed to be on my guard. For whatever unspecified reason Darren had agreed to this whole fiasco, he
did
have a reason and it was most likely nefarious. But he was obviously full of shit too, so I decided to play along. We had to sell this, after all.

“You look… presentable,” I decided on.

He snorted. “Please. Stop. You’re being far too kind. My heart can’t take it.”

“I know,” I said.

“You gonna let me in?”

I frowned. “Why?”

“Because I asked?”

“Then no.”

“Sandy.”

“Darren.”

He pushed past me. Like a jerk.

I did not squawk at him. I really didn’t. No matter what he would say later.

“You act like I’ve never been in your house before.” He looked around, probably trying to find something to judge. Ha, his loss. My interior decorating skills were fantastic. Everything in this house was elegant and classy. Well, except for the walk-in closet where I kept all of Helena’s outfits. That looked like a gay pride parade had exploded in there.

“I hope that came out as creepy as you intended,” I told him as I closed the door behind me and leaned against it. “If so, mission accomplished. And you’ve been here four times.”

The first time had been a bit of a fluke, or at least I thought so, shortly after Paul and Vince started dating. All I know is that I was coming out of the shower, a towel firmly wrapped around my waist, when Paul had called me to the kitchen. So there I went, soaking wet and wrapped in a pink towel, only to find Paul and Vince standing with Darren for
no goddamned reason
. Darren had his judging face on and I had my bitch face ready and then I realized I was essentially
nude
in front of Darren and I had screeched at everyone to get out of my house.

I never really found out why they were there that day. I didn’t talk to Paul for three days after.

The second time had been after Corey, Tyson, and Dominic had arrived in Tucson and Paul had invited him over for brunch as retaliation for getting Nana’s parrot Johnny Depp to accuse Paul of being a rapist when the bird needed to go to the vet. Obviously, Paul went extremely overboard in his revenge against me. I didn’t speak to Paul for a full day after that.

And the third time, of course, had been the Awkward One-Night Stand Brunch Fiasco that we would never speak of again.

Well, almost never.

“How’s Octavius?” I asked, hoping I looked earnest. “I bet he’s just heartbroken you’re in a fake relationship.”

“You know how many times I’ve been here?” he asked. “Keeping tabs on me, I see.”

“Yes, well. Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer.”

“Really?” He took a step toward me, that shark’s grin on his face. “And just how close do I need to be?”

“Not that close,” I said when I realized I had nowhere to go. “Definitely not that close.”

“You sure?” His knees bumped mine.

I didn’t quite understand why it was getting harder to breathe. I mean, objectively, sure, he was attractive. But that shouldn’t have mattered, even if he was only a few inches away.

“You don’t sound sure,” he said, voice low.

I pushed him away and managed to step around him without falling on my face.

He looked annoyed when he turned around.

That made me feel better. His pain was my joy.

“So, Octavius?” I asked, making sure to maintain a careful distance between us.

“Haven’t talked to him since I dropped him off. I made sure he knew it wasn’t anything.”

“How sweet of you,” I said. “He must have been devastated.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because it was obviously true love.”

He snorted. “Not hardly.”

“Well, from where I was sitting, it sure looked—”

“And how’s Brian?” Darren asked. “You two seemed… cozy.”

“We were,” I said, suddenly irritated. “He’s very… cozy. And athletic.”

“Athletic.”

“Indeed.” From what I could remember. Which wasn’t much. Or really anything at all. Apparently, I was a sloppy drunk. “I made sure he knew it wasn’t anything.” Actually, he’d tried to hit on Corey and then Corey and I had kicked him out after he’d asked if there was any more bacon. But Darren didn’t need to know that. “Keeps texting me, though. Sweet man that he is.”

“Well, too bad you’re taken, then.” Darren reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. “I’ll just text him to send him a reminder.”

“No!” I coughed to clear my throat. “That’s not necessary.”

“Oh, but I insist. It’s the least I could do.”

“No need. Already told him.”

“Did you?”

“Sure. Oh look, it’s time to go. We don’t want to be late.”

“Right. Wouldn’t want to be late. To our double date with Vince, Paul, and Corey.”

Because that didn’t sound like a disaster at all. “You’re going to have to really sell this,” I told him. “Paul and Corey can see right through bullshit. Especially yours.”

“Then how are you all even friends?” Darren asked. “Because bullshit is pretty much all you do.”

“Okay, also, leave the humor to me.” I picked up my wallet and keys from the small table near the door. “You’re not as funny as you seem to think you are. It’ll make things less awkward for all of us. In fact, try not to talk at all, really. The less opinions you have on things, the better.” I turned toward the door, not even caring if he was following me.

“I think I’d like to hold hands,” Darren said, apropos of nothing. “For most of the night.”

I almost tripped over my feet. Luckily, I’d had years of practice wearing high heels and was able to make it look like I was performing a dance move. Which, for all he knew, I was. “Just practicing,” I said at his raised eyebrow. “You never know when I’ll need to dance.”

“Right,” he said. “Those spontaneous dances are the worst. So, hand-holding.”

“You want to hold hands.”

“Yes. I think that sounds like a good way to sell it. Don’t you?”

“Or,” I said, “we can tell them we’re not really into PDA and that we don’t touch each other outside of the bedroom. Or even there, really.”

“Or the bar,” he said.

“Or the bar,” I said begrudgingly.

“You know?” he said. “I don’t think that I’m the type of boyfriend to
not
be into PDA. In fact, I think that if I
did
have a boyfriend—which, for all intents and purposes I do—I’d want to hold hands and probably even kiss them in public. Multiple times, even.”