The Queen & the Homo Jock King (3 page)

I said, “Sweet baby Jesus, this is some hot fucked-up shit right here.”

“Look,” Vince said, dick still bobbing free. “It’s cool. We’re all friends here.”

“And some of us are related,” I pointed out, like I was being helpful.

“Yeah,” Darren said. “But we have different mothers, so it’s cool. It’s not completely illegal.”

“That should not be a decider in an incestuous three-way,” I said.

“Or is it the
best
decider?” Vince groaned as Darren did something fancy with his tongue.

“You love Paul,” I accused him, anger flaring. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Yeah,” Paul said, appearing in a puff of smoke for some reason. “What the hell are you doing without me?” And then it just got weirder as Paul began to strip. “Someone suck on my nipples,” he demanded as he pulled his shirt over his head. “They’re very sensitive.”

Darren and Vince pushed me out of the way, knocking me on my ass as they latched themselves to Paul’s chest.

“That’s the good stuff,” Paul sighed. “I like this quite a bit.”

And then a marching band began to walk through the back room with Paul’s nana leading the way, cackling while she twirled a baton and pranced around.

The actor known as Johnny Depp followed behind them in full
Pirates of the Caribbean
costume, and as he passed me, he looked down and said, “Paul’s a fudgepacker, ya savvy?”

“I savvy,” I said, because I really did.

“Enough with the foreplay,” Paul said. “It’s time for a four-way.”

And he reached for me.

So naturally, I screamed myself awake.

IT WAS
only a moment later when the light flipped on in my room, a sweet dark-skinned boy staring at me with wide eyes. “What the hell?” Corey Ellis demanded, running his hands over his sleep-rough face. “Are you okay?” His eyes darted around the room before coming back to rest on me. His hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail, strands hanging around his face.

I pushed myself up against the headboard of my bed, pulling the covers up around my chest. “I’ve seen things,” I told him ominously. “
Things
.”

He took a step into the room warily. “Was Mr. Escadero peeking through the window again? I swear to god, I’m going to cut that creepy old bitch.”

I shook my head. It hadn’t been our elderly next-door neighbor who thought we were his personal cam-boy show. Not this time. This fear had been
real
. “I had a dream,” I whispered.

His face softened and he came to the bed, sitting on the edge, patting my knee. “Bad?” he asked quietly.

“Awful,” I said. And then, “Mostly.”

He arched an eyebrow. “How so?”

“You know when you have a dream about doing something you shouldn’t and then it turns incestuous and you think, well, that wasn’t so bad and then there are marching bands?”

His lips twitched. “Um. What?”

“Paul cheated on Vince,” I admitted. “With me.”

“You
what
? When the hell did you—”

“In my dream,” I said.

“Jesus Christ, don’t
scare
me like that—”

“And then, while I was blowing him, Vince started making out with Darren.”

His eyes bulged. “That… should not be an image that I find attractive, but holy shit. Like, full-on making out? With tongue and—”

“Corey!”

“Sandy!”

“And then
Paul
came in and there was
nipple
sucking.”

“Whose nipples?”

“Paul’s. You know how sensitive his nipples are.”

“Unfortunately I do,” Corey said. “You were sucking on his nipples?”

“No,” I said. “Jesus, Corey, keep up, will you? Vince and Darren were sucking his nipples. I was still on my knees trying to recover from deep-throating Vince.”

“Oh dear god,” he choked.

“You can never tell him,” I said. “Paul is a sweet, soft, innocent soul and this would
crush
him.”

“Uh,” Corey said. “We’re speaking about the same Paul, right? Like, Paul Auster? Because he’s not sweet or innocent. Maybe a little soft, but he’s the type where the weight looks good on him, so—”

“It would
destroy
him,” I said. “Can you imagine, hearing from his oldest and dearest friend that said friend is having sexual relations with his partner?”

“In your dreams,” Corey said.

“That is
beside
the point!” I said shrilly. “The fact that I even
dreamt
of such a thing means that I have some unconscious desire to fuck Vince.”

“Huh,” Corey said. “So, using that line of logic, that must mean you also want to fuck Darren—”

“You shut your whore mouth,” I snarled at him. And then I coughed. “I mean, what? Pshaw. I don’t even know what you’re talking about. Darren who?”

He rolled his eyes. “Right. Because I’m not an expert at people who pine over each other. I didn’t spend last summer drowning in the angst that was Tyson and Dominic, after all.”

“Ah, yes. The twinkie and his cop. They’re so precious. And we are
nothing alike
.”

“Yes, Sandy.”

“You would do well to remember that. Darren is an asshole and I want nothing to do with him and I also hate his face and his ridiculously muscled body.”

“Yes, Sandy.”

“His personality also leaves something to be desired. He’s narcissistic at best. At worst, he’s borderline sociopathic. I don’t think I’ve ever
met
anyone more self-involved than he is.”

“Yes, Sandy.”

“I don’t even know
why
we have to be talking about him right now. What possible value does someone like him even
have
to society as a whole? All he does is fuck twinks and piss me off.”

“He also watches every performance you have,” Corey said mildly.

“Right?” I exclaimed. “He is so
creepy
. Why the hell are we even talking about him again?”

Corey grinned. “Honestly, I have no idea. You were the one who had sex dreams about him.”

“About Vince,” I corrected. “Darren just happened to be there. And Paul.”

“And the marching band.”

“Yes, that. This can
never
get to Paul. Why, the betrayal alone would absolutely devastate him. I cannot be responsible for the emotional destruction of my best friend.”

“Yes, Sandy.”

“Hand me my phone.”

“Why?”

“I have to call Paul,” I said. “The weight of my guilt is crushing me and he has to know the truth.”

“But—”

“Corey!”

He knew better than to sass me while I was emotionally conflicted. He merely remarked on the fact that it was two in the morning and surely it could wait until a more reasonable hour. But Corey couldn’t understand the depths of my pain. Paul needed to know, so we could begin to mend the rift that would undoubtedly spring between us. Hopefully, it wouldn’t be too large to overcome. We couldn’t lose almost two decades of friendship because I’d suddenly developed a brothers kink at the age of thirty-one.

I put the phone on speaker and bit my thumbnail as it began to ring.

After the fifth ring, he answered, voice annoyed and muffled. “Sandy, I swear to god, you better be on fire if you’re calling me this late. It’s two in the goddamn morn—”

“Maybe I am!”

“Are you?”

“No, of course not. That’d be ridiculous.”

“Sandy.”

“Paul,” I said. “This is a surprise.”

“Uh. No. It isn’t. You called me.”

“Oh. Is that right? I guess I did. Ha-ha. How about that.”

“What’s up?”

“Nothing much. What’s up with you?”

Corey snorted and I had to fight the urge to smack him upside the head.

“Are you high?” Paul asked.

“What?”

“Are you
high
?”

“That was
one
time and we were nineteen and you
swore
you’d never bring that up again.”

“So you’re not going to cry and tell me you’re stoned but that you love me more than anything else in the world and that you wish we were both princesses who lived in a castle made of clouds and good dreams and were serviced by Latinos with bronzed skin and names like Esteban and Jorge Lopez Santiago?”

“Oh my god,” Corey laughed. “This is so amazing. I love everything about this. Please, continue.”

“Corey, is he stoned?”

Corey leaned forward until his face was inches from my own. “No. It doesn’t look like it. Though, he does have some bags under his—”

“I will see you as a homeless
street
urchin if you finish that sentence,” I growled at him.

“He looks luminous,” Corey said instead. “Vibrant. Not tired at all. He would get carded trying to see an R-rated movie.”

“Good boy.”

Paul sighed. I heard mumbling in the background. “No, it’s Sandy and Corey. Apparently, Sandy is having one of his moments.”

“And just what the hell is
that
supposed to mean?” I asked.

“Hi, Sandy and Corey,” Vince said, voice sleep-rough.

“Hi, Vince,” Corey said.

So I squeaked, “Meep,” because I had sucked Vince’s cock. In my
dreams
.

“What the hell was
that
noise?” Paul asked. “Sandy, did you buy one of those hairless cats and it’s now dying in your arms?”

“Yes,” I said, trying to save face. “Its name is Wrinkles McSkin and it’s dying and it’s moist and that’s the only reason I called.”

“Sandy’s cat is dying?” Vince asked. “That’s terrible.”

“Yes,” Paul said. “His cat is dying of
lies
.”

“How dare you!” I shrieked at him.

“I don’t get it,” Vince said. “Is that some kind of cat disease? I had a cat when I was a kid. Mom said it ran away, but I think it got eaten by coyotes.”

“Why do you think that?” Paul asked.

“Because I found its tail near a cactus behind the house.”

“God, I love you,” Paul said. “And that was a sad story.”

“Eh,” Vince said. “I got a car out of it, so I was all right.”

“First-world problems are my favorite kind,” Corey said.

“Sandy,” Paul said. “Are you going to tell me or do I have to guess?”

I wanted to tell him to guess just to see what he came up with, but my guilt was almost crippling. “I had a dream where I was blowing Vince and then he made out with Darren and they both sucked on your nipples and Nana led a parade with Captain Jack Sparrow. Or something.”

Dead silence.

Corey sighed. “It really is my own fault that I surround myself with these kinds of people. There’s no escape for me.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “What
kinds
of people would that be?”

“The best kind,” he said.

“You’re welcome,” I said. “I really do feel better after getting that off my chest.”

“You had a what about
what
?” Paul screeched.

“I wouldn’t make out with Darren,” Vince said. “I’m in a one hundred percent committed relationship with Paul.”

“Aw,” Paul said. “That’s so—wait a minute. That’s the
only
reason?”

“Well, yeah, I guess,” Vince said. “I mean, he’s attractive, right?”

“You’ll get there in a second,” Paul said.

“Get where? It’s not as if I’m going to
do
—oh. Wait. He’s my brother.”

“There it is,” Corey said.

“Oh no,” Paul said. “Sandy.
Sandy
.”

“What?”

“What if I have a brothers kink now? What if your dream was prescient and they both latch themselves onto my nipples?” Of course he would go there. Because I’d already had the same thought. It was comforting to know Paul and I were the same. Well. Sort of comforting.

“Yeah,” Vince said. “Doubt that’s going to happen.”

“Because you’d fight him for the right to my nipples?” Paul asked.

“Sure,” Vince said. “I’d fight anyone for your nipples. And also because Darren wants to bone Sandy and not you.”

“Oh,” Paul said. “That’s right.” I could hear the goddamned smirk in his voice.

“He does
not
,” I hissed. “For one, I am not a barely legal
twink
with more abs than brain cells. Two, there has to be
attraction
for that and I assure you, I am
not
attracted to him. At
all
.”

“Denial isn’t just a river in South America,” Vince said seriously.

“What?” Paul said. “Vince, no. It’s not in South America.”

“Oh. Brazil?”

“That’s still South America.”

“Huh. It’s not Asia, because I would have seen it.”

“Vince, we didn’t go to all of Asia.”

“Mostly,” Vince said. “Remember when you wore that sumo wrestler diaper thing and we had sex next to the shop that sold food that looked like the carcass of a shaved Bigfoot?”

“None of that happened,” Paul said quickly.

“All of that happened.” Vince sounded very smug. “I made you make sex face, like, four times.”

“So gross,” I muttered.

“I can’t believe I’m going to say this,” Corey said, “but I really want to move back to Seafare now.”

“Sorry, baby doll,” I said. “I have my claws in you and I’m never letting you go.”

“But we’ll still give you the illusion of freedom,” Paul said. “Unless you step out of line.”

“Lovely,” Corey said with a sigh.

“Do you forgive me?” I asked Paul.

“For having an incestuous orgy sex dream involving my boyfriend and his brother?”

“Yes.”

“Sure,” Paul said. “Why not. I can dig it.”

“Good,” I said, relieved.

“I love you,” Paul said.

“Aw. I love you too.”

“But I swear to fucking god, Sanford Stewart, if I even catch you
looking
at my man wrong, I will rip off your fucking arms and shove them so far up your ass, you’ll be gagging on your own fingers.”

The phone beeped as he disconnected the phone call.

“Wow,” Corey said. “Paul can be scary.”

“Sometimes. But usually not at all.” I yawned. “I feel like I can sleep now. Also, we should talk later about getting a hairless cat. I feel like it’s a thing I should have now.”