The Queen & the Homo Jock King (56 page)

But he also knew the opposite of that. Which meant he’d seen that slipup. That crack that I’d rushed to fill back in. I didn’t know if he could even remotely understand what had just happened, but knowing Paul Auster like I did, he was probably already spinning theories in that scary brain of his.

This was not good.

“Thirty thousand going once,” I said.

Darren took a step toward me. “Sandy,” he said quietly.

I ignored him. “Going twice!”

Caleb winked at me.

“Sold!”

Streamers and balloons fell from above.

The crowd roared and advanced on the stage.

In the chaos, I managed to avoid everyone I knew.

Especially when I saw Caleb grab Darren by the hand and pull him close. He whispered something in Darren’s ear and Darren laughed and shook his head.

The music blared to life and everything was fine.

I slipped away.

THE PERSON
that was pounding on my front door at seven thirty on a Sunday morning deserved to face my fiery wrath and stand there while I peeled the skin from their bones. I pulled myself from where I’d been cocooned in the covers on my bed and scowled as I stalked down the hall toward the door.

Corey was sitting in the kitchen wearing a pair of ratty sweats and a Dartmouth T-shirt, typing something on his laptop, sipping a cup of coffee.

“You couldn’t answer the door?” I asked.

He didn’t even look up at me. “You know I don’t do things for anyone other than myself before eight. And besides, I don’t think they’re here for me. Especially since
I
wasn’t the one that sent out a mass text canceling brunch for today.”

“Who?”

Corey just hummed and took another sip of his coffee.

“Sandy! I know you’re in there! Open the damn door!”

I groaned. “It is far too fucking early for this.”

“Right?” Corey said. “Why do you think I’m ignoring it? I’m trying to be Zen before the shit hits the fan.”

“What shit?” I asked while debating if I should just leave Paul outside. Then I remembered he had a key. Which didn’t explain why he wasn’t using it. He was a mystery wrapped in a candy-coated shell, my Paul was.

“Sandy! I will break this door down, I swear to god! Okay, now your neighbor across the street is staring at me funny. Let me in before she calls the cops! You know she’s hated me ever since Wheels accidentally threw up on her feet that one time. She’ll do anything to get revenge! Wheels! Stop barking at the somewhat nice lady!”

“What shit indeed,” Corey said. “I’m surprised he didn’t charge in here last night after we left the bar. You know. When you conveniently disappeared and then ignored all phone calls and pretended to be asleep when I got home.”

“I was tired,” I said stiffly.

“Really,” Corey said. “That’s what we’re going with.”

“I really have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Funny,” Corey said. “Because Mike and Charlie seemed to think otherwise.”

Uh-oh.

Corey picked up his phone from the table, pointed it at me, and took my picture. “There we go,” he said, looking down at the phone. “I’ve always wanted to have a photo of someone in the middle of a dawning realization tinged with horror. I must admit, it’s sweatier than I thought it’d be.”

“
Wheels
! You can’t
poop
there! Vince, grab him before more comes out!”

“
You
grab him before more comes out!”

“Oh my god,” I moaned, covering my face with my hands. “This is not happening.”

“Oh but it is,” Corey said. “But then, you probably should have expected this to blow up in your face.”

“Wheels! Oh my
Christ
, what did you
eat
? An entire bowl of
gravy
? Vince! Call an exorcist! That has to be the result of demonic possession.”

“You’re pretty much fucked,” Corey said. “I didn’t get to see the intervention you had for Paul back in the day, but you can sure as shit bet I’m going to be a part of this one.”

“You wouldn’t
dare
,” I hissed at him.

“Watch me.”

“Holy shit,” Paul said. “Vince! I have a
key
.”

“Uh, yeah,” Vince said through the door. “I know. I just thought you were trying to be overdramatic like you normally are.”

“I’m not
overdram
—you know what? Never mind. We’re doing this
now
.”

And the key slid into the lock.

I admit: I gave very serious consideration to running back to my room and escaping through my window. I’d have to go into hiding and probably change my name. I wondered if I could pull off being a Preston Babcock. By the time the front door opened, I’d forgotten to run because I’d been distracted by my new alter ego who would be a mystery writer and pen a series of semisuccessful novels about an elderly woman who solved white-collar crimes like tax fraud and the occasional murder with the help of her pet raccoon Mr. Florida. Preston Babcock would like to drink Earl Grey on cool foggy mornings before he sat down at his typewriter to finish
Mrs. Havisham and Mr. Florida and the Mystery of the Corrupted Zoning Board
.

So it was a surprise when the door sprang open and Paul Auster stood there, magnificently posed with Wheels in his arms and Vince rolling his eyes behind him, like he was some divine god seeking to hand down judgment upon me. He was also slightly sweaty and wearing a pink Hello Kitty bicycle helmet I’d bought him after Vince had convinced Paul that riding bikes saved lives by protecting the ozone from nocturnal emissions.

“Sanford Stewart!” he bellowed.

“So loud,” Corey murmured, taking another sip of his coffee.

“Look,” I started. “It’s not what you think—” and Vince stood behind him, waving his arms frantically at me, as if trying to tell me that probably wasn’t the best thing to say.

Paul narrowed his eyes at me. “Not what I
think
?
Not what I think
? So is it or is it
not
true that you and Darren Mayne were never really together to begin with?”

“Oh,” I said. “Okay. It’s exactly what you think.”

“You were Freddie Prinze Junioring us the whole time!”

I frowned. “No, I was Meryl Streeping you.”

“That’s not even a real thing!”

“And Freddie Prinze Junioring is?”

“Is there any more coffee?” Vince asked Corey. “I feel like this is going to go on for a long time.”

“I’m Zen,” Corey said.

“I know what that means because of Asia,” Vince said.

“To the couch!” Paul cried.

PAUL, VINCE,
and Corey sat on the couch. I sat opposite them in a kitchen chair Paul had dragged to the living room. All three of them had stern looks on their faces. Well, Paul did. Vince and Corey tried to have stern looks, but Corey was Zen and Vince didn’t really understand how to be stern. So he arched an eyebrow and frowned, but then he grinned at me and winked. To say I was confused would be an understatement.

“You know why we’re here,” Paul said.

“If I say no, can you go away?” I asked.

“That won’t
ever
happen,” Paul said. “We’re all together. For
life
.”

“Don’t you threaten me,” I said. “I know my rights. I don’t have to sit here and—”

“It’s after eight,” Corey said, sighing as he pulled his hair back and tied it off with a rubber band from his wrist. “I’m done being Zen. Shit’s about to get real.”

“I’m just here because I love you,” Vince said to me. “Are you comfortable? Would you like a granola bar or a glass of water?”

“I’m good,” I said. “Also, Paul, you’re still wearing your bike helmet. You look ridiculous. I can’t believe you wore that willingly and there is no possible way I can take you seriously now.”

“The chin strap on my other one broke,” Paul muttered, pulling the Hello Kitty helmet off. “And Vince made us ride bikes over this morning because he said that it would help me cool down.”

“It didn’t,” Vince said, wincing. “I’ve never seen someone bicycle angry before.”

“I didn’t bicycle
angry
.”

“You were glaring and pumping your thighs really hard.”

“So, like, a normal weekend for you two, then?” Corey asked them.

I snorted and tried to cover it up as Paul shot a glare at me. I felt remarkably chastised over it, and I wondered just how much trouble I was in. I tried to think about how I’d feel if Paul kept such a monumental thing from me and realized I’d probably cut off his balls.

This was not good.

“Where are the others?” I asked, somewhat nervously.

“We didn’t tell them,” Paul snapped. “Do you know what this would do to my parents? To Nana? Sandy, she’s already got one foot in the grave. This would
kill
her.” He huffed out a breath. “Okay, it probably wouldn’t because she’ll most likely outlive us all and she and Johnny Depp will spend an eternity sitting on my grave and hurling insults at my corpse, but the point remains the same.”

“Um,” Vince said. “What was the point again?”

“The point was—” Paul stopped. “Shit. The point was that… huh. I don’t know if I had a point.”

“You don’t need points,” Vince said, patting Paul’s knee. “You can just talk. That’s what you normally do.”

“I don’t think that was a compliment like you think it was,” Paul said.

“Oh, I know,” Vince said.

“Zing.” Corey high-fived Vince behind Paul’s head.

“Bunch of dicks,” Paul grumbled. “What were we talking about?”

“Your parents and Nana,” Corey said, picking up Wheels. He unlatched the cart from his butt and started rubbing his stomach. Wheels, the slut, let his tongue loll out and his eyes rolled back in his head.

“Right,” Paul said. “That was the point. They love you. And you
lied
to them. You lied to
all
of us.”

“To be
fair
,” I said, “it wasn’t all of you. Charlie knew. And Darren. And Mike. And I think Corey almost figured it out.”

Corey nodded. “I did.” Then he shook his head. “Okay, that was a lie. I didn’t figure it out at all. I just wanted to sound cool like the rest of you.”

“Oh my god,” Paul groaned. “You guys, we have to stick with the plan!”

I arched an eyebrow at the three of them. “There was a plan?”

“I get to be Good Cop,” Vince said proudly. “And Paul is Bad Cop.”

“Vince!” Paul said. “You weren’t supposed to
tell
him!”

“What’s Corey?” I asked.

“Corrupt Cop,” Corey said. “I side with whichever person benefits me and the situation the most.”

“I wanted to be Corrupt Cop,” Vince said with a pout. “But Paul said I couldn’t because I’d always side with him. And
yeah
, I would have because he is my most favorite person in the world, but I still could have done it.”

“We discussed this,” Paul told him. “You’re so in love with me that choosing any side other than mine causes you physical pain.”

“No, you said that
you
would cause me physical pain,” Vince reminded him.

“Same difference,” Paul said.

“Paul beats me,” Vince announced solemnly. “But I can’t leave him because he’s my baby’s daddy and I love him and I swear he’s gonna
change
.”

Corey grimaced. “You guys have really weird sex games.”

“You should see his sex face when I do this one thing with my thumb,” Vince said. “It’s like Super Mega Sex Face and—”

“Intervention!” Paul growled.

“I thought you said this was actually supposed to be an interrogation instead.”

“I know,” Paul whispered back, as if I couldn’t hear the both of them. “But we’re
telling
him it’s an intervention just so he’s more willing to believe us.”

“What they said,” Corrupt Cop agreed.

Paul elbowed Vince.

“Should I start now?” Vince asked, looking suddenly nervous.

Paul sighed.

Vince looked at me and coughed. He winced slightly, did this weird thing with his eyes where he sort of squinted at me, and then I was suddenly hit by the amazing power that was his full-on smile, wide and bright and beautiful. He looked so soft and warm and kind and I just
loved
him.

“Hi, Sandy,” he said smoothly.

“Hi, Vince,” I said.

“We’re all here today because we love you,” he said.

“So much love,” Corey said. “Listen to Vince. He knows what he’s talking about.”

“Are you okay?” Vince asked. “Can I get you anything?”

“No,” I said honestly. “I feel really good.”

“Good,” Vince said. “Can we talk about—”

“How could you possibly think you’d get away with this?” Paul snarled at me, slamming his hands on the coffee table.

“Meep,” I said, because it was
terrifying
.

“Yeah,” Corey said. “Is that what you
thought
? That you’d get
away
with this? How could you have thought that? Are you
insane
?”

“It wasn’t about getting
away
with anything—”

“Did I say you could talk?” Paul asked.

“Yeah,” Corey said. “Did he say that? I didn’t hear it, and last time I checked, I had perfect hearing.”

“Hey, guys,” Vince said, voice calm and even. “Maybe we should just cool down a little bit. There’s obviously a good explanation for everything. It’s not going to do any of us good to yell.”

“Good idea, Vince,” Corey said. “I bet there’s a perfectly good reason.”

“Or he’s just full of shit,” Paul muttered.

“So full,” Corey said, shaking his head at me.

I gaped at them. “What the fuck is
wrong
with the three of you?”

“Says the guy that decided to tell everyone he was in a relationship with another guy so he could somehow keep a gay bar open at the request of a skeevy owner who has no scruples whatsoever,” Paul said. “Does that sound about right?”

“Ooh,” Corey said. “What you got now, pretty man? Anything? I don’t think you have
anything
.”