The Rampage of Haruhi Suzumiya (6 page)

who stepped forward, as a thin smile spread across his face and he straightened his back.

“First, I’d like you to take this.”

I didn’t really understand why he was holding out a CD case to me. Why would I accept it? The computer society had no reason to give us any presents without an ulterior motive, so naturally I was skeptical.

“No, this isn’t anything dangerous,” said the president. “You’ll find game software inside. It’s an original we developed. We released it at the cultural festival just the other day. Did you happen to see it?”

Sorry, but I didn’t have time. The only memories I want to retain from the cultural festival are those of the band performance and Asahina’s waitress costume.

“I see…”

The president wasn’t offended, but his shoulders slumped as he mumbled something about their display’s being in a bad spot. If you just came here to chat, you should finish up and get going. Don’t blame me if Haruhi shows up and turns this into a big fight.

“But of course, I came here for a reason. But I agree that I should probably make it quick. Here I go then!”

The president appeared to be perspiring profusely as the band of spectators behind him nodded solemnly. I really wish he would hurry it up.

“We challenge you to a contest at this game!”

The president’s voice cracked as he thrust the CD case at me again.

Why would we want to play a game against the computer society? If you don’t have anybody to play with, I would advise that you try a different clubroom.

“This is no simple game.”

The president appeared to be dug in for a fight.

“This is a contest. We even have a wager prepared.”

I’ll give you Koizumi, then. You can have your little contest in the computer society clubroom.

“You’re missing the point. We want to have a contest with you guys!”

I’m begging you. Stop yelling “contest” over and over. Who knows if your shouting has reached Haruhi’s sharp ears? If that girl, baseless self-confidence incarnate, happens to catch that word—

“Booya!”

“Guh-oh!”

That bizarre sequence happened as somebody came in from the side and sent the president flying out of sight.

“Whoa?!” “Prez!” “Are you okay?!”

Followed a few seconds later by his fellow members’ crying out and racing over to where the president was sprawled in the hallway. I slowly turned my gaze to the side.

“Who are you people?”

A girl stood there with her finely shaped lips in a wide smile and shining eyes directed toward the computer society members. Haruhi Suzumiya herself.

After her sneak flying kick on the president, Haruhi had executed a ten-point landing and now stood there with a triumphant look on her face.

Haruhi brushed away a lock of hair from her ear.

“So the evil organization has finally come. You must belong to some secret organization that finds the SOS Brigade a nuisance. I won’t let you have your way. It is our duty as the good guys to bring light where there is darkness and vanquish all that is evil. You peons should let me one-up you already!”

The president had apparently hit his head when he took a tumble, as he lay there moaning with his subordinates fussing over him. I was probably the only one who heard Haruhi’s little speech.

“Hey, Haruhi.”

I don’t even want to try to count how many times I’ve had to calm her down since starting high school.

“Why don’t you listen before kicking people around? Just look. Now nobody knows what’s going on. All I heard was that he wanted to challenge us to a contest at some game.”

“Kyon, a contest begins the second someone challenges you. A declaration of hostile intent is the same as a declaration of war. Anything the loser says otherwise is merely an excuse. Nobody wants to hear a loser whine.”

Haruhi walked over to the president like a hunter inspecting her freshly bagged prey before expressing obvious disappointment in a somewhat churlish gesture.

“Oh. It’s just our neighbors. Why did these guys come here picking a fight?”

Like I said, they were just about to explain that. You ambushed him from the side before he had a chance to talk.

“But,” Haruhi pouted, “I thought that the student council had come to demand that we surrender this clubroom. I’m expecting them to show up anytime now. Honestly, don’t make things so difficult.”

“That doesn’t make it okay for you to kick people.”

I attempted to scold Haruhi.

“Come to think of it, we haven’t tried that event yet…”

This came from Koizumi, who at some point had moved from his position in the doorway to join us in the hallway. He appeared to be deep in thought, so I stepped on his toes. Don’t say anything that’ll make this worse.

“Ugh…craven SOS Brigade…”

The president continued to moan as he finally managed to stand up with his fellow members supporting him.

“I-in any case, the contest is on. I was expecting there to be some

communication difficulties, so I wrote everything down. You should understand the contest after reading these documents.”

One of the computer society members walked over carrying a stack of copy paper and CD cases and looking like he was in the process of feeding fresh meat to wild lions.

“Appreciate it.”

Koizumi accepted the items with a smile on his face.

“I understand that we’ll be playing a game, but is there an instruction manual that comes with it?”

A different member walked over to hand Koizumi another stack of paper, before speaking quietly.

“Prez, we’re done here. Let’s return to the clubroom.”

“Yes, let’s.”

A weak nod.

“Well, there you have it—”

The president attempted to depart after giving his half-assed explanation, but Haruhi grabbed him by the neck.

“Give us a proper explanation. I won’t let you trick me with a bunch of fine print. Give a thorough explanation that even stupid Kyon here could understand!”

Who are you calling stupid?

The unfortunate president was dragged into the literary club room. The remaining computer society members had no time to voice any objections or rescue their president before the door was shut on them.

The cultural festival period of celebration was over and unlike Haruhi, who had fireworks going off in her head year-round, the rest of the school had returned to everyday life, or so I thought. However, it appeared that the computer society was still in a festive mood. Still, as I looked at the president, cowering in a metal chair all by his lonesome, he reminded me of a white mage with no magic points left and surrounded by zombies after getting separated from the rest of his party on the last floor of a dungeon. He hadn’t even touched the tea prepared by the similarly cowering Asahina as he sat through Haruhi’s interrogation.

I’ll give a brief summary.

The president’s demands were as follows.

1. Accept our challenge to a contest using a game made by the computer society.
   
2. If we win, return the computer that is currently sitting on the SOS Brigade desk to its original place.
   
3. Besides, the SOS Brigade doesn’t need an advanced multifunction computer. Computers are meant to be used by the computer society and we insist on its return.
   
4. In this case, I’m willing to forget the mental anguish I suffered during the computer extortion. No, I want to forget. Let’s all forget it ever happened.
   
5. And the reasons stated above obligate you to accept our challenge. Fight us.
   

The sheets of paper Koizumi passed around basically explained the above in writing that was hard to understand and printed in a font that wasn’t very legible. An accusation and challenge bundled into one, I guess. I skimmed the neatly typewritten discourse, but Haruhi made the president talk. Long story short,

“If you aren’t using the computer, give it back.”

Per the president. Haruhi sounded shocked as she responded.

“I’m using it. All the time. The editing for the movie was done on this.”

Except I’m the one who did it.

“And the home page too.”

That was also me. Haruhi has only ever used the computer to surf the Web when she was bored and to design that scribble of an emblem.

“It’s been six months and your home page is nothing more than an index page. It hasn’t been updated in months.”

The president was quite upset. Well, I guess he was the one who kept the access counter moving regularly on that pathetic site. I see. That explains the cave cricket incident. He really wanted to know if we were making use of the computer.

“But when I told you to give me the computer, you agreed. Kyon, you remember, right?”

Was that how it went? I could remember Asahina lying prostrate on the floor, but I didn’t pay much attention to what the president said. Even if we assume that he agreed, any deal you reached would probably be invalid, given his state of mental retardation at the time.

“I strongly object.”

The president appeared to be serious about this. He had his arms crossed and his lips were pursed in what was apparently his best attempt to look tough. You’d figure that he’d have given up after six months, but it seems that his rage had made a resurgence.

Haruhi just snorted and gave him a little nod with a smile on her face.

“Very well. If you want a contest so badly, I’ll go along with it. We’re putting our computer on the line. So what will your side be wagering?”

“What? We’re wagering this computer. If we lose, we’ll let you keep the computer.”

Haruhi’s response was cool.

“This already belongs to us. Why would I want to receive something that already belongs to us? Bring something else.”

I couldn’t help but be impressed by her gusto. Once an object came to be in her possession, no matter the circumstances or the legitimacy of her claim, it belonged to her permanently. Does she plan on growing up to be a thief?

However, the president merely smiled, albeit stiffly, instead of getting angry.

“I understand. A new offer…that’s right. How about new computers for each member? I’ll give you four of them. Are you fine with laptops?”

He voluntarily offered to raise the stakes. This appeared to surprise Haruhi.

“Huh, really?”

She hopped off her seat on the brigade chief desk and peered at the president’s face.

“For real? I won’t let you go back on your word later.”

“I won’t. Promise. I’m willing to sign in blood.”

The president was still acting tough. Made sense to me.

I wasn’t sure about the content of the game that was on the CD Nagato was staring at, but the producers must know the game inside out. Setting aside the issue of whether or not the computer society members are all skilled gamers, they’re probably expecting to have an easy time kicking around the amateurs of the SOS Brigade. I’d have to agree. I doubt we’d have a chance in any fair contest. We only won the baseball game because of Nagato’s unreal powers. It had nothing to do with our own capabilities.

But somebody didn’t know that.

“You don’t have any female members, do you?”

Haruhi asked a rather odd question.

“No, what of it?” asked the president.

“Do you want any female members?”

“…No, not really.”

The president was trying hard to maintain his bluff while Haruhi leered at him like the mistress of an establishment of ill repute.

“If you win, I’ll give this girl to the computer society.”

She pointed at Nagato’s face.

“You want a girl around, right? Yuki will definitely be useful right off the bat. She’s got a good memory and she’s the best-behaved person in the room.”

You idiot. That’s a horrible suggestion. You’re thinking that it wouldn’t be fair to bet our one computer against four of theirs? But there’s a huge difference in the specs between four computers and Nagato. Not that you would know.

“…”

Nagato didn’t even flinch as Haruhi offered her up as a prize. Her static eyes gave me a short glance before passing over Haruhi to stare at the computer society president’s face.

The president was clearly disturbed, judging by the look on his face.

“Uh…but…”

“What? You would rather have Mikuru? Or you think that four computers wouldn’t be enough? Then if we win, you also have to change the name of your club to North High SOS Brigade Two.”

“Ah…um…well…”

Haruhi’s words had left Asahina paralyzed in place with her hand covering her mouth.

“You be the prize.”

I walked over to Haruhi in a fit of rage.

“Stop treating Nagato and Asahina like they’re objects. Why don’t you bet your own body? Don’t just say what you want.”

“What are you talking about? The SOS Brigade chief is a holy and sacred symbol. You could even say that I am the brigade. I have no intention of yielding this position to anyone who doesn’t make an instant impression on me.”

You plan on loitering around here after you’ve graduated?

“Besides, you won’t be able to find anything in this world that can equal me in value.”

Haruhi sidestepped my criticism with her unreasonable statements, pointed to the reticent Nagato and speechless Asahina, and returned to putting pressure on the president.

“So, which one do you want?”

She then gave me a sidelong glance before continuing.

“If you insist, well, you can take me.”

As expected, the president didn’t take Haruhi up on her nonsense. Based on my careful observation, he seemed to linger on Nagato for a while. I can understand that.

He was guilty of previously groping Asahina’s breasts, and I doubt he had the guts to pick the victim of his crime. Besides, Nagato had plenty of secret admirers, according to Taniguchi, so it was possible that he happened to have a thing for the quiet bookish type. Though it was also possible that he wouldn’t be able to relax with Asahina around. At least he was able to keep himself from begging for female members, so this was more or less the obvious outcome.

Oh, Haruhi? Now that everyone knows what her personality is like, you’d have to be a bona fide masochist or complete weirdo to pick her. And you’re not going to find anybody weirder than Haruhi. Which is why I don’t worry about guys taking advantage of her.

And so the stage was set for our battle.

The president left the literary club room briefly before returning with his posse. They were carrying what could only be notebook computers. I was about to say that it was rather generous of them to give us our prizes beforehand, but this game apparently required each team to have five computers. They were so fast in hooking up Haruhi’s desktop and the four laptops to the LAN and installing the homemade game software that I had to wonder if they were computer society members or telecom techs. By listening to their conversation, I was able to learn that the match would be a 5v5 online space battle simulation. Basically, the SOS Brigade needed five computers, the computer society needed five computers, and all of them would be hooked up to the same server for the contest. We would be in our clubroom and they would be in theirs.

Naturally, the server computer would be in their clubroom. Uhhuh, I get it.

“One week of practice time should be enough.”

The president looked pleased as he watched the computer society members work swiftly.

“The battle will commence one week from today at 4 pm. Polish up your skills in the meantime. It’ll be disappointing if you’re too weak.”

He thinks that he’s already won, though the same could be said of Haruhi. She can’t stop herself from gloating about the new computers.

“Uh-huh, I was thinking about looking into acquiring some mini-notebooks. Every brigade member should have a computer. Investment in equipment is critical for boosting the motivation to work.”

My motivation isn’t going to sell itself for a laptop. Though I’ll be happy to take it.

I drank my now-cold tea and casually looked over at the expression on Nagato’s face. Or lack of expression, I should say. No visible change as she stood with Asahina against the wall and watched the computer society members, as calm as usual.

This game was produced by their side. I seriously doubt that they would plant a suspect virus, but you never know. Nagato would say something if that were the case. I can let her handle that stuff. The computer society won’t be able to easily pull a fast one on Nagato.

As I fidgeted with my empty teacup, Asahina walked over.

“Kyon, um…what are they doing exactly? I’m, well, not very familiar with m-machines…”

She stared at the increasing number of wires with a distressed look on her face. You really don’t need to worry so much about it.

“It’s only a game. Just play around with it.”

I attempted to comfort her. Though to be honest, that was how I actually felt about the whole thing. If Nagato and Asahina had actually been on the line in this contest, then I wouldn’t hesitate to unleash the power within. But if we’re fighting over whether or not Haruhi has to return the computer she stole, it’s a different story. The computer society’s demands were low-risk, high-return as far as I was concerned. Just goes to show that they’re confident enough to give us a considerable handicap.

“This is one contest where we have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I won’t let Haruhi bitch us around this time.”

I flashed a smile at Asahina as I made a firm assertion to assuage her fears.

“But Suzumiya…She seems so enthusiastic about this.”

Haruhi didn’t even wait for the computer society members to leave before sitting down at her brigade chief desk and grabbing hold of the mouse with Koizumi standing at her side, holding what was apparently the instruction manual.

The president and the rest of our neighbors looked very pleased with themselves for some reason as they left. They must have done a fine piece of work.

Afterward we spent a while trying out our computers, but the sun was getting low in the sky so we called it a day.

As the five of us left school together, Koizumi and I had a conversation. We were a few yards behind the three girls as we descended the hill, and I was the one who spoke first.

“There’s a phrase that I’ve been meaning to retire.”

“Oh? What might that be?”

“Take a guess.”

Koizumi smiled mockingly before contemplating for a moment.

“If I were in your position, there wouldn’t be many phrases that could see abuse. The silent ‘...’ and the ‘give me a break’ variant would be strong contenders. Wouldn’t these be the only possibilities?”

I kept my mouth shut as Koizumi flashed that everlasting smile of his and stated the correct answer.

“Good grief.”

I’m guessing that the shrug and spreading of his arms were something extra he threw in. Koizumi gestured with his arms as he continued speaking.

“I understand how you feel.”

The hell you do.

“You misunderstand. I mean that you are attempting to avoid falling into a state of routine, correct? If you are forced to react in the same way on a regular basis, the process would grow tedious for you, if not other people. It is similar to how you cannot bring yourself to touch a game that you’ve already replayed many times over again. You fear tedium. Suzumiya feels the same way. The difference would be that she actively comes up with activities to engage in while you simply react to her actions. Now, which side would have an easier time?”