The Ravine (26 page)

He drove directly from the airport to the address where he expected to find Vonda. Now that he was just a few miles away, it dawned on Mitch that he didn’t actually know what he was going to say to the guy, or what he hoped to accomplish. It was also possible that Vonda would refuse to speak with him, and would tell him to get lost.

By the time he reached the second floor landing of the ratty walk-up Vonda lived in, he was starting to doubt the wisdom of his plan. Feeling his heart beat faster, it became very apparent to him that this whole thing could go terribly wrong. But he had come this far, and he couldn’t back out now.

Standing outside the door, he heard a man and a woman loudly hurling insults at each other inside the apartment. When he knocked on the door, everything suddenly went silent and someone turned off the television. Mitch presumed that when a guy like Vonda received an unexpected visitor, it usually wasn’t good news. In response to the silence, he knocked again, and then said, “I’m looking for Logan Vonda. Is he home?”

After a few seconds of silence, a female voice spoke from behind the door. “Who’s there?”

“Does Logan Vonda live here?”

“Who wants to know?”

“Listen, my name is Mitch Bianci, and I’m looking for Logan Vonda. Is he there? I was a friend of Danny Turner’s.”

He heard the two of them whisper conspiratorially, and then the door pulled back a few inches and two eyes peeked out at Mitch. “What do you want? I know who you are. I got nothin’ to say to you. Leave me alone.”

“Listen, Logan, I only want to talk with you to get a better idea what Danny did that night. I know you weren’t to blame. How about we go across the street for a cup of coffee?”

The door opened a little wider and Vonda stuck out his head. He was obviously frightened and obviously high. “I got nothin’ more to say. I said it all to the cops.”

“Just come out for a minute. I’m not looking for trouble; I just want to settle some things in my mind, and I’ll pay you for information.” With that the door chain came undone, and Vonda stepped out onto the landing and lit up a cigarette.

“Okay, whaddya want to know?”

Now that he had the long-awaited object of his manhunt in front of him, Mitch realized he had been obsessing over a poor, pathetic wreck of a kid, chasing him all the way across the country, and he was probably nothing more than the cops had figured. A dupe. But Mitch had him in his sights, so he pressed on.

“Why do you think Danny asked you to come to his house that night?”

Vonda was obviously nervous; he repeatedly took off his baseball cap, ran his fingers through his unkempt hair, and put the cap back on. He had told this story many times, yet he was acting like someone who was afraid he was going to slip and say the wrong thing.

“Didn’t you hear what I told the cops?”

“I did, but I wanted to hear it from you, because, well, you know the whole thing seems sort of crazy, and Danny was my good friend. I’m
just trying to figure out what set him off.” Mitch was still suspicious of Vonda, but he had just identified exactly what was driving him. It was that unknowable “why” question.

“I don’t know for sure. I only know what he told me, and that was just some made-up stuff, but it’s probably just like the cops said. He wanted to make it look like I did it, and then he was gonna use that shotgun on me after he killed Rachel, and say it was self-defense, or make it look like he was trying to save his wife and had to kill me.”

“But you must have gone into the house at some point, didn’t you?”

“No way. No, man, I didn’t! After Danny said he was gonna kill her and then went back inside, I wasn’t gonna set foot in there. And before that, I was just supposed to be outside trying to make it look like a break-in.”

“Okay, but I don’t get how you could have just gone to sleep after he said something like that, even if you thought he didn’t mean it. How do you sleep through all the screaming and yelling that must have been going on?”

“You want to know the truth?” Vonda looked defeated and a bit embarrassed.

“Yeah,” Mitch said. “That’s exactly what I want.”

“I had a few Oxys I’d been saving because I thought I would be going home, and I wanted to pop them there. When Danny went back in the last time, I swallowed them and nodded off.”

Of course
, Mitch thought,
that makes perfect sense. It probably
is
the truth. How obvious
.

However, there was one other issue that gnawed at Mitch.

“Just one last question, Logan. After he told you he was going to kill Rachel, why didn’t you do anything, like go to a neighbor’s house and call the cops? You might have been able to save their lives.”

“Don’t you think I wish I did? Don’t you think I’ve thought about that a million times? Not a day goes by that I don’t think about it and
wish I’d done something different.” Mitch obviously had struck a nerve, and Logan looked away and wiped his eyes.

“Hey, I’m sorry, Logan. I didn’t mean it the way it sounded. I was only—”

“Danny was my friend, too, ya know!” His face had gone totally flush and a vein popped on his forehead. “I saw him almost every day for eight years, and we had lotsa good times. Everybody liked him down at Steve’s and he was always pretty cool with me, even though he was my boss.”

He threw down his cigarette butt and stomped on it. “So, why didn’t I run to the neighbor’s house and start banging on doors? I don’t know! I guess the only answer is that I was scared, and so I copped out and told myself he wouldn’t really do anything to Rachel.”

That’s the simple truth
, Mitch thought. Now that he was looking Logan in the eye and could see him for who he was, he felt a bit guilty for browbeating the guy. He was simply a scared kid caught up in the drug world who was just another victim in this whole sordid series of events.

Mitch had learned a few more details, but really nothing more than what he already knew: Danny did what he did, for whatever selfish motives, and followed through on an incredibly stupid and deadly plan. There would never be a plausible explanation for his behavior.

Mitch thanked Logan and offered him a twenty-dollar bill. “Not necessary,” Logan muttered. Mitch shook his hand, and then headed to the Pearl district of downtown Portland to the work site, where he was scheduled to meet with his team and the lovely Jennifer. He felt like a fool for wasting all this time, money, and anger on someone who was just another fellow traveler, and a much less fortunate one at that. There was something about recognizing the common thread of humanity in Logan Vonda that made him feel ashamed of himself, and he started to awaken to how far off the beam he had gone.

And then there was that other matter. How silly he had been to engage in even a mild flirtation, when he had an amazing wife like Carolyn at home who loved him and desperately needed him.

He drove a mile or so and then could not go on. Pulling over to the side of the road, he cut the engine. For the first time since all this horror and tragedy had started, he allowed himself a good cry. And then he surrendered and babbled out a prayer of his own making.

“Oh, God, I’m so sorry and I don’t know what to do, so I’m giving this one up to you. I don’t know how I’ve gotten so far away from you over these last months, but I know I’ve been lying to myself about a lot of things. All I’ve done is get more and more miserable, letting myself get eaten up by anger—at Danny, Vonda, the cops—and wanting somebody to be punished for this. I know, Lord, that I’ve been so selfish and self-righteous that I haven’t been able to see what I’ve been doing. How one lie builds on the next, and how secrets like the ones I’ve been keeping are leading me to a very dark place. I want to see the light again, Lord. Help me to be the sort of spouse that I want Carolyn to be and I know she is. I know she needs me now, Lord, and I pray that you will lead me so that I can help her, and help us all to start healing, so we can be happy again. Amen.”

He felt exhausted and drenched with sweat. Leaning back against the headrest, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He had a sense that God was trying to speak to him, and that, for a change, he should just shut up and listen. As he became more and more relaxed, he felt a lightness, as if he were falling. Instead of fighting it, he simply handed himself over to whatever it was that was taking him. For the first time in a long time, he stopped grasping for control and felt a newfound sense of freedom. The conviction that he was about to discover something important was leading him, and he simply followed it. His last conscious thought was, “This must be what it feels like when God answers your prayers”

He was not asleep. In fact, he felt more awake than he ever had. He knew he had entered a different realm. He glanced down and saw two tiny feet that he recognized as his own childhood feet, bare on the soft, lush, green grass. They felt connected to the earth. He came upon a clearing in the woods on a warm summer day and instinctively knew his way, though he had never been there before. He could see all around with utter clarity, despite the fact his eyes were closed. Just ahead a brilliant ray of sunlight broke through an opening in the trees and illuminated the soft grass, displaying a bright green patch that had been prepared for him. He stretched out and rested his head on the fluffy ground. The sun was warm on his face. He watched the images dancing on the insides of his eyelids. Blue, black, and white speckles moved side to side and twirled against a red background. In the distance he could see the figure of a woman who spoke to him. Her voice sounded familiar and comforting, and yet he knew they had never met.

“You are free because you are not alone and never will be alone, because you are one with every other human being as they are one with you. Be guided by love, and it will destroy all fear. Trust in God. He has much greater plans for you than you could ever possibly imagine. You must accept that you are forgiven and then you will be able to forgive others. God is in you and you are in God. God is everywhere, in everything and in everyone.”

On the other side of the country, Carolyn sat opposite the array of bottles filled with pills that promised to remove her anxiety, help her overcome her sadness, and allow her to sleep—perhaps for a long, long time. There was something comforting about this pharmaceutical oasis, where all this pain wouldn’t be able to reach her. The doctor had made it sound so inviting, like flipping a switch and making the incessant noise
in her head just stop. Disappear. Relief was simply an arm’s length away. She had avoided taking the medication for some time, but the sleeplessness and sense of foreboding were starting to overwhelm her. She felt herself sinking fast, but something told her to wait.

She walked over and sat in Mitch’s chair near the sliding-glass doors. He called it the “most comfortable chair in the world,” and loved to sit in it. It was his corny joke, but now she wanted to hear him say it. She had an overwhelming need to feel his presence. All these months of confusion and conflict had torn them apart and left them unable to see the tremendous love they shared. She flashed on the night her dad had waited up for her and, in her best Dad voice, said to the silent room, “He’s a keeper.” That brought a smile to her face. She hadn’t realized how good it could feel to smile. It was as if her face had been frozen since November. She started to chuckle; for some reason, the squeaky noise that came out of her sounded totally ridiculous and hilarious. Then she laughed so deeply and loudly, and for so long, that eventually tears of joy rolled down her cheeks and she had to gasp for air to catch her breath, which only made her laugh more.

At that instant, she was startled by the sound of someone knocking on the glass door a few feet away. She looked up to see a strikingly beautiful woman with brilliant white hair, gesturing for Carolyn to unlock the door and allow her to enter. Certain she was in a dream, she did as instructed. It was not until their hands touched that Carolyn discovered that the woman was indeed very real, and very much alive.

Despite the fact they were strangers, they silently clung to each other as if they were long-lost sisters, and then stepped back and looked deeply into each other’s eyes, holding hands as women often will. Carolyn was confused, speechless. Then Rachel whispered in her ear and told her what to say.

“I’m Carolyn. What’s your name?”

C
HAPTER
15

What a Difference a Day Makes

God whispers to us in our pleasures
,

speaks in our consciences
,

but shouts in our pains
.

—C. S. Lewis

J
OANNA SMILED BECAUSE
she knew Rachel had reached across into the sphere of the living and had reassured her dear friend. It brought a sense of ease and comfort to both women.

Even though Joanna had seen countless people respond to her with a look of utter astonishment, it still delighted her when someone was genuinely awestruck, as Carolyn was at that moment. Her expression was priceless: a mixture of child-like wonder and confusion, but not fear, despite having just invited into her home a stranger who seemed to have appeared out of nowhere. At such times Joanna had to remind herself to keep her ego in check; she was simply a messenger.