The Read And Weep Bundle: Anonymous, Perfectly Hopeless, Run (35 page)

It had been more than a week and we were still hightailing it across the country. We had barely stopped in days for more than a bathroom break or a quick bite to eat.

My legs were cramped. I found myself fantasizing about beds and how nice it would be to just sprawl out in one and sleep for days. I hadn’t been getting much sleep lately.

When she killed someone I was haunted by it. I could see their blood, their lifeless bodies. I saw a lot in all the years I was running around with Wanda, but that never made it okay. I knew I was never going to turn as cold as she was about murder.

I tried to come up with an excuse for her. Why would someone do such a thing? There was no excuse for Wanda. She was just a cold calculating person. She cared about nobody but herself. And that would never change.

After she killed somebody there was no going back on it. We couldn’t undo the bad choice Aunt Wanda made. You just had to realize you were going to always be looking over your shoulder. Waiting for the day when you were caught and thrown into prison.

I never killed anyone. I didn’t have it in me. I just stood off in the distance waiting for it all to be over with. Those moments were surreal, everything slowed. I couldn’t hear anything when it was happening. My heart slowed to such a beat that I thought it was close to stopping altogether. My muscles turned to stone and I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die.

Once it was over I tried to take myself out of the situation. I pretended they weren’t there as I slinked through their lives taking whatever was of value. And talk about worrying. Everything I touched made me feel I was one fingerprint closer to jail or the electric chair.

I knew Aunt Wanda took me down with her a long time ago. I was an accomplice as far as I saw it. It would never matter to the world why I stayed and put up with her issues. I would be seen as the girl who aided her psycho Aunt on a killing spree across America.

What did I want out of life?

I wanted a chance to be me. I never had a single moment to enjoy anything. I was always the neglected kid that turned into the gypsy teen on the road with her aunt. I just wanted to live. Probably part of the reason I didn’t fight Wanda on letting me leave. Being with her
, at least I saw the world, even if I saw it in a very twisted way.

I lifted my head from my palm as we neared the big green sign on the expressway. We were close to Rugby, Florida. I could tell Aunt Wanda was ready to call it quits for the day. She pulled her purse from the floor like she always did when we were close to stopping.

I shoved my feet into my sandals, ready to leap from the truck.

“Now look, we have fifteen hundred dollars. I’m not sure how long it’s going to stretch, make it last,” she said, elbowing me in the side.

I nodded, watching closely at what exit she was going to pick. Wondering what the new place would be like.

“Do you know anyone here?” I asked. Aunt Wanda knew someone everywhere she went. She knew someone in just about every state that we passed through.

“Of course, what do you take me for?” She shot me an irritated look, shooting across lanes of traffic. She drove single handed, pulling out her cigarettes and lit one up. Her body dropped its usual defensiveness as she let out the first exhale. The smoke drifted passed my nose and out my window.

“Payton is staying at the motel on Lapenzieda,” she said, giving me a knowing glance. I knew she was waiting for my reaction.

I grabbed a hold of my wrist squeezing it tightly to contain my joy. Aunt Wanda never was one for joy. To her I was odd and something to make fun of when I acted anything other
than dark or quiet. But I was not that at all. I wanted to talk. I wanted to be heard.

“Yes, Mason is with her,” she said, pulling up to the motel.

I bit my lip in angst. Mason was the only person I had known my entire life. He was from the same town I was from. Two years older than me. I guess the one good thing Wanda ever did was introduce the two of us when were just kids.

Mason was a great guy. His life was similar to mine. His mother, Payton, was just as sleazy and cold as Aunt Wanda. They were great friends because they both were the same. In the old days they paired up and did all kinds of things together. It was only when Payton gave birth to Mason their friendship took a turn. Payton tried to be a good person—or something close. But that ended as soon as Mason’s dad cheated on her. Then she went right back to her old ways.

Mason never had the heart to ditch his mom. She could do no wrong. He looked past everything she did and stuck with her through one crazy situation after another.

Part of me understood why he did. The other part of me never would understand. I never loved anything in my entire life. I would never understand it. I probably would never know when I was in love either.

I gathered my things, jumping out of the truck. Aunt Wanda stretched. I scanned the motel looking at all the shiny gold numbers on the red doors.

Seconds later one came open, and there was Mason coming out to greet us. He crushed me with his towering frame. He made it over six feet by a couple inches. And whenever I was around him I felt like a dwarf. He wrapped his arms around me, lifting me up into a huge bear hug. I waited until he placed me back on my feet to wrap my arms around him.

“Your skinny still,” I teased. He prided himself in staying healthy.

He poked me in the ribs, ruffled my shirt and tousled my hair. Really laying it on thick before he grew serious.

“
How was the drive here with, crazy lady?” he asked, his hand covering his mouth. He raised his eyebrows, his eyes sparkling as he laughed. He was a unique guy in every way.

His dad, a
Puerto Rican, gave him an olive complexion, but his mother, being she was white gifted him the lightest eyes. They were light green and stood out against his skin tone. He had a head full of thick dark brown hair full of curl. Sometimes I thought he should cut it. But he always countered with, that was the style. It wasn’t long, just shaggy and sometimes it had a life of its own. He would have fit well back in the sixties with his free hair and personality.

“Long and long, what else is there to say?” I said, letting him take my bag.

Aunt Wanda and Mason’s mom caught up at their door. Probably telling each other about the latest crime spree I thought to myself. Mason made it past the two of them going inside the small motel room. He tossed my bag on the floor.

Payton stopped talking. She gave a quick glance in my direction and then at Mason. He dove onto the bed in a really good mood.

“Don’t be getting comfortable. I told you I want to sleep.” She griped. He stopped what he was doing, flashing a big smile at her. She rolled her eyes and went back to talking to Wanda.

“Do you want to get something to eat and catch up?” he asked.

I sat down in the chair, and looked at him, the light stubble on his face, the dark eyebrows, and the crazy hair. I had forgotten how much I missed seeing a familiar face.

“I’m not really in the mood to go out, if you get my drift,” I said low. He nodded, understanding what I was referring to. It was a normal thing for him as well.

“Mason, go get a room so you can get the hell off of my bed,” Payton snapped. She shooed us both out. Aunt Wanda sat her things down. I studied the room realizing they were sharing it. This meant they had something up their sleeves.

“Go get something to eat, a
nd a room. I don’t know how long we will be here.” She sat down with a groan.

I took the money. Mason touched my arm, Wanda and Payton rolled their eyes.

“Mason, will you let her breathe? You act like you’ve never seen her before,” Payton said, lightning up a cigarette. He shook his head, his expression falling.

I followed him outside.

“Does it ever get easier?” I asked him. I didn’t know how he could take the nitpicking all the time.

“Oh, it’s nothing I haven’t heard my entire life. It’s the people who don’t act like that, that scare me.” He laughed.

He opened the door for me, smiling. The woman at the counter glanced up at me and set me into panic. I turned away, pretending I needed a map from the rack.

“I just need a room please, ma’am,” Mason said, slapping down his own money.

“Single bed or double?” she asked.

I twirled the old rack of maps trying to stay calm. Moments like these were hard.

“Double,” he said quickly. He touched my back, letting me know we were fine. I sighed, my stomach filled with knots. It always scared me.

“She is none the wiser. No one is looking for you. Relax.” He took my hand. I nodded, feeling protected once the door was shut and we were in the room.

Mason turned on the TV and sat down on the bed. I took off my shoes and did the same. This was the moment I had been waiting for. The moment I could just lie down and relax.

“I’m glad you guys came,” he said.

“Me too, it’s not that often I get to see you anymore.” I frowned. He took me by the chin, trying to get me to smile. I gave him a look, but it was hardly a smile.

“Come on, I know it’s not that often, but we are here aren’t we? So tell me how everything has been.” He
sat down and turned to face me.

“Hard. Things are hard. We were at some drug dealer’s house and Wanda went batty
again. I swear I have an ulcer, its nuts.” I rubbed my palm into my forehead, stressed beyond words as I stared up at the ceiling. Mason inched closer and planted a kiss on my cheek. I closed my eyes, enjoying the moment.

“Try to forget about it for right now. Let’s just get some sleep,” he told me. He kissed my cheek again and again. I touched his hair, slipping my fingers through it. He smiled, softly pressing his lips against mine, his hand touching the side of my face.

“Close your eyes. Get some rest. I’m right here, ok?” He searched my eyes. I nodded, letting him kiss me again. This time more intensely. My heart sped up and stayed fast until it ended.

He wrapped his arms around me, his body molding to mine. We both fell asleep.

My eyes fluttered below my heavy lids. I could feel the sun pouring through the window. I tried to stay asleep, but it was no use.

“Good morning,” Mason said from his chair by the window. He was showered and dressed. I stuck an arm out from under the comforter giving a good stretch.

Mason smiled. He was waiting for me to say I felt better.

“Good morning, Mason,” I said, giving him a small smile. I smoothed my hair, sitting up. Mason jumped up, grabbing a brown bag on the table. He rifled through it, pulling out orange juice and a white Styrofoam container. He handed it over, sitting down beside me on the bed.

“I got you breakfast,” he said. I popped open the lid. There was French toast with fresh strawberries along with scrambled eggs. I smiled bigger this time. He had remembered my favorite foods.

Mason was a good guy. He had a big heart. A kind heart, but like everyone else I had ever met, people surprise
d you all the time. Mason was involved in a lot of shady things with his mother. She made him into the kind of person she needed. He was a tool and she never really saw him as her son.

“Get dressed and we can go for a walk,” he said, turning on the TV. He sprawled across the bed caught up in what was on the TV. I looked around the room. It surprised me that anyone could be so calm when their life was so awful.

***

Mason looked out the door before we headed out. I held his hand tightly, looking at Payton’s motel door to make sure they were nowhere in sight. We both knew they wouldn’t be happy to know we were walking around. We were supposed to always lay low. Avoid causing a scene and never let anyone grow suspicious. We were supposed to be invisible at all times.

Mason hopped the chain link fence behind the hotel room. It rattled and shook as he scaled it without difficulty. He landed on his feet, pointing up to the top, trying to persuade me to do the same. I studied the six foot metal and shook my head. I knew it was a task I could conquer, but I just didn’t feel like it.

He kneeled, tugging on the fence to free up enough space for me to squeeze through. Thankfully the fencing was cheap enough to manipulate. I hurried through.

I wiped my hands on my jeans. Mason slipped his hand around my waist and we slowly wandered through the field behind the motel. The ground was scattered with bottles, paper, rocks and beer cans—Aunt Wanda always knew how to pick the crappiest neighborhoods.

We met up with an old railroad track that went on for miles. Mason hopped on balancing himself. I followed along, waiting for him to launch some kind of conversation. He usually wasn’t the quiet one.

He held his arms out perfectly straight and long, his feet making substantial ground and not once did he waver. His concentration was impeccable at everything he did.

I picked up a rock and chucked it. This brought him back to reality and he hopped off, snagging my hand in his. “Do you ever think of where you want to live?”

I stared straight ahead at the overpass coming up, my mind envisioning a train zipping through so easily with little effort.

“I liked Massachusetts, it wasn’t so bad. And the way that they talked was wild.” I grinned. Aunt Wanda and I had stayed there for nearly a month. The accents were amazing. They were quick and always so smug. Nothing like me, the southern girl who said stupid phrases all the time out of habit. I couldn’t sound threatening if I tried. Everyone thought I was sweet just because of my voice. I wanted to be tough. Sweet helped me in no way at all.

Mason was from the same place. And he was nowhere as twangy. He said he found a way to lose it. The less he sounded like a southern the better off he was. I imagined I never would. So I just learned to live with it.

“I liked Arkansas, Kansas and Texas. I’m hoping we head to Texas again, but with those women you never know what’s going to happen.” We made it under the overpass.

I leaned against the cool brick enjoying the shelter. Mason stood in front of me. He touched my chin. I knew he wanted to kiss me again. It was something we did out of habit. I wasn’t sure if it was just expected. I wondered if I was just a means of gratifying his sexual needs, or if it meant anything to him at all.

I closed my eyes, his lips against mine made my heart skip a beat. His lips were firm and swift. He lightly trailed his fingertips across the fabric of my t-shirt, pulling away before he got to personal.

We stopped. I stared into his eyes, my forehead pressed against his. I could feel the warmth of his breath against my skin. My heart was spastic. The butterflies in my stomach were very obvious as he skimmed my waist with his fingertips.

“I miss
ed you,” he whispered. I kissed him again, but he pulled away this time. He sat down, pressing his back against the brick. His arms resting on the knee of his jeans, he was nervous about something.

“I know you do.” I sat down beside him. Mason was never down, this wasn’t him.

“Well, shit, Kendall, are you going to say you miss me too? Or don’t you?” he said sharply.

“I miss you, too. You should know that,” I said
, feeling bad I would have to confirm that to him. It was something I figured he already knew.

“I always feel like I’m going to die anymore,” he said, letting a laugh slip out to make it seem less harsh. As I looked at him I realized he was scared.

“You shouldn’t think like that, Mason. I don’t think like that. We didn’t create this mess.” I shoved my hair behind my ear. “At the least, we should be able to make it out alive.” Now I was frightened.

Mason stared at the ground. He picked up a stone, rolling it around in his hand.

“Life is not kind. Who are you trying to kid, Kendall?” He sighed.

I shrank back against the wall, knowing he was right. How many people in our situation made it out alive? Not many. And the ones living on the edge all the time were the first to have it all end.

“She did you dirty, you know that right?” he said. “Sure, Joy was messed up, but Wanda ain’t a stitch better. If anything, I think Joy would have done a better job raising you.”

I never liked to talk about the past. How Wanda snatched me like a thief in the night. Probably because I felt I had
chosen to go with her.

“I think I’m better off,” I said, looking away.

“I wish I could make you some perfect life somewhere. I mean, if I can fake morals and values, I probably could have them, right?” He laughed.

I laughed too.
Fake
, it was a great word to describe who we were on a daily basis.

A slow rattling consumed the overpass. We both jumped to our feet knowing the train was coming our way. I started to head out, but Mason grabbed my hand and tugged me back. He pressed me against the wall, parts of him touching me that I would have preferred not at a time like this. He covered my eyes, shushing me.

“We are going to die!” I pushed into him. He put his other hand over my heart as the metal monster got louder and nearer.

“I wouldn’t let that happen. Just live in the moment! Sometimes that’s all you got!”

The wind shook our bodies, tugging my hair in every direction. My skin tingled with adrenaline rushing through my veins. It was a mixture of fear and joy, a moment I could not escape—like every other part of my life. The only difference, this moment would end and it would go away.

Mason kissed me, his tongue deeply involved in the act. He held tight to my neck, neither one of us was able to make much movement with the train rushing past us. His hands slipped down the length of my body and unzipped my shorts.

I opened my eyes, shocked at what he was doing.

“Just go with it,” he said, letting my shorts dropped to my ankles. He gripped my legs, his fingers squeezing into the flesh of my thighs, my back pressed firmly against the wall. I closed my eyes, the sight of the train behind him was about to make me scream. I let Mason do as he wished. I couldn’t lie, I was enjoying every second of it.

I gripped his t-shirt with both hands, my back scraping against the concrete, but I didn’t care. I prayed my legs weren’t torn off by the train in the middle of our stupid choice to have sex.

The train finally ended, freeing us from the pinned position on the wall. Mason quickly pulled his pants up and hopped back on the track. I did the same, watching him, wondering what he was thinking at that moment.

Was it just silly sex with an old friend?

“I guess we should go back,” he said. “Or do you want to make a run for it together and leave them behind?”

He laughed, pushing me jokingly, I nearly fell.

I knew he was only joking. He would never take off.

“You couldn’t do that to your momma and you know it.  I know it.” I gave him a look, searching for something that said otherwise.

He only offered me a cagey smirk.