The Red-Hot Chili Cook-Off (20 page)

The little white house had roses in full bloom twining around the porch posts. The flower beds were well kept and the lawn had been mowed recently. He held the door open for her and the living room was well lit. Serial killers didn't grow lovely roses or turn on the lights.

He shut the door behind her and motioned toward the sofa. “Coffee, tea, hot chocolate, or soda?”

“Tea is fine,” she said.

“Make yourself at home.”

He poured up two glasses of sweet tea and carried them to the coffee table, sat down beside her, and drew her close to his side. “You are so beautiful, Alma Grace, both inside and outside.”

“I bet you say that to all the girls.” She smiled up at him.

“Oh, no! I'm pretty shy when it comes to girls. I've dated some but the last couple of years I've devoted myself to the church youth group. I couldn't believe it when you said you'd go with me to a bonfire with a bunch of unruly kids,” he said.

“I've devoted myself to the church choir. I couldn't believe it when you…”

He cupped her face in his big hands and lowered his lips to hers. Every single nerve ending in her body tingled. Her hormones set up a whining noise like a buzz saw and her hands wrapped around his neck. Prayer was the last thing on her mind when she moaned and hoped that this was the beginning of something that would end in the bedroom.

It did not end in the bedroom. It ended right there on the sofa with clothing tossed all around them and a fluffy throw with the Lord's prayer printed on it creating a cocoon for them to cuddle inside.

“I'm not…” she whispered.

He put a finger over her lips. “I know, Alma Grace, darlin', I know.”

“But,” she managed before he kissed her again.

“Can I tell everyone that I know that we are officially dating and you are my girlfriend?” he asked.

“Are you sure?” she asked.

“I've been sure since the first day when I walked into your shop and stuttered and stammered like a teenager,” he said.

“I thought that was because you were in a lingerie shop.”

“I have five sisters, darlin'. I know what panties and bras look like. I grew up with them in the bathroom, in the laundry, and everywhere I looked. I kept visualizing you in all those pretty things and well…” he said. “So can I tell the whole world we're a couple?”

“Can I tell everyone?” she asked.

“Oh, yes, ma'am.”

“Can I tell first?”

“You better hurry because I'm going to start yelling from the housetops in the morning that my girlfriend is Alma Grace Magee. I'm calling my mama first.”

“And where does your mama live?” she asked.

“Saint Jo. I was raised over there on a ranch north of town.”

“Guess we've got a lot to find out about each other.” She snuggled tighter against him.

“And what fun it will be. Dinner tomorrow night?”

“Okay,” she murmured as her eyes closed. She hadn't heard a word about divorce, chili, birds, or plastic eggs for the whole evening. God had rained down blessings upon her head for sure.

***

Carlene came in through the back door, turned on the kitchen light, and made her way to the beading room. The fancy little silver peignoir was almost finished. She just needed to work a few more beads into the Venetian lace border on the hem of the gown. She sat down at the table, picked up where she'd left off, and started to work. As usual, when she worked with her hands, her mind thought about other things.

Aunt Tansy, bless her heart, had been so upset over the bird and then so mad at Kitty that the famous Fannin vein in her head had come nigh to exploding. If adrenaline cured food poisoning, neither the Fannin girls nor their daughters would ever be sick again.

She finished the job at hand, hung the matching gown and robe on a velvet hanger, and turned out the lights, locked the door from the inside, and closed it. She was almost to her car when she realized someone was leaning against it.

“Holy shit! Jack Landry, you just shocked five years off my life,” she said. “What are you doing here anyway?”

“I'm here on official business,” he said.

“Well, I figured that much since you're in uniform and since…” She clamped her mouth shut before she said “since you haven't called me since that first time.”

“I haven't changed my mind about going out with you. I'm being patient even if it isn't easy,” Jack said.

She bit her lip to keep from smiling. The divorce wasn't final and she wasn't actually free but that didn't mean that knowing she was attractive to someone didn't make her feel special and good about herself.

“Thank you for that.”

“Yancy called me a while ago right before I finished my shift at the station. He told me about the cat. So you are allergic to cats? How about dogs?”

She shook her head. Official business was finding out if she was allergic to dogs?

“Good because I've got a couple of big old golden retrievers living in my backyard and house. We have a pretty good friendship going and I'd hate to have to get rid of them.” He grinned.

She backed up a few steps and sat down on the porch step. “Love dogs but not those little yappy things.”

He crossed the yard and sat down beside her, carefully keeping a foot between them. “So you reckon there should be police presence at the church tomorrow?”

“Depends on whether Aunt Tansy brings Granny's old sawed-off shotgun.”

Jack rubbed his square chin. “You think she might?”

“Depends on whether Mama and Aunt Sugar hide it good enough she can't find it and whether Uncle Alex locks the gun safe. She was pretty damn mad about her bird.”

“Kitty shouldn't have done that but I can't let Tansy shoot her even though it seems like the right thing to do. You know that, don't you?”

Carlene could feel sparks hopping between them. How in the hell did a woman leave one man and feel like that about another in less than a month? Alma Grace would say that she was sinning. Patrice would give her some long-winded explanation about the body having sexual needs. Right then, she would rather listen to Patrice.

“I wouldn't want you to get all mad at me if I had to step between them to protect Kitty,” Jack said.

“Honestly, I don't think she even knew there was a bird in the house. She used a bedroom window, probably hoping it was my bedroom, and shoved the cat inside through it. The bird was in the living room. It was a mean trick but she didn't set about to get Dakshani eaten or his tail feathers plucked,” Carlene said.

“Mama says that Kitty moved in with Lenny. Said she wasn't leaving until he was completely well and that he couldn't go back to the dealership until she said so,” Jack chuckled.

Carlene clamped a hand over her mouth but the laughter exploded between her fingers. “That is the best revenge in the world. She'll smother him to death,” she said between giggles. Then she got a case of hiccups. “What…about…Bridget?”

“Kitty threw her out. Told her that she didn't have enough sense to take care of Lenny. I'm surprised she didn't get the flu but I did hear through the grapevine that he's got his eye on someone else at the dealership who did get it so he's probably messing around on Bridget already. That bother you, that he's doing that?” Jack asked.

Carlene shook her head.

Jack leaned in like he was going to kiss her and immediately the hiccups stopped. “Well, now I know three things, in addition to the fact that you are beautiful. You've got a lot of sense, you like dogs, and if I act like I'm going to kiss you, it scares the hiccups right out of you.”

“It didn't scare me. They just stopped. I'm not scared of anything, Jack Landry, and to answer your question, it should bother me that he's chasing women, shouldn't it? I was so mad and so hurt at the first, but then when I was honest with myself, I figured out that I must have been in denial for a long time. I had to have known, Jack. Down deep inside my heart, I had to have known that he was up to his old tricks. I just didn't want to do anything about it. Sometimes even a cold nest beats no nest at all.”

“I understand, Carlene. I really do. I had a relationship not long ago and I wanted her to be the one so bad but my heart said no. So I know where you are coming from. But enough about that. Let's let the past be the past and forget about it. Y'all got a plan for the cook-off? What with your mamas getting sick and Josie going to the hospital, has it thrown a monkey wrench in the works?” Jack asked.

Carlene stood up. “We've got it covered. How'd you get here anyway, Officer Landry?”

“Motorcycle is parked out behind your car. I'm off duty but not out of uniform yet.”

“Well, how about that? Don't suppose you'd give me a ride home on it, would you? I'm staying at Patrice's but then I bet you knew that from the grapevine, right?”

“What about your car?”

“I reckon I can ride to work with one of my cousins,” she said.

“You sure about this, Miss Carmichael?”

Oh, yes, Carlene was a Carmichael again and she was ready for a motorcycle ride.

“I am sure.”

“Okay, then just hop on the back and put your arms around me and I'll take you home, Cinderella.”

“I'm not a princess, Jack,” she said.

“To me, you've always been a princess. Don't go messin' with my image of you, darlin'.”

The church parking lot looked like a used-car dealership when Carlene and Kim pulled their vehicles in side by side. Carlene recognized her mother's car so evidently her dad was letting Gigi drive now. Right beside it was Tansy's Cadillac and then Sugar's Lincoln.

“Looks like we've got lots of help.” Kim waved as she got out of her vehicle. “Wait just a minute before you go in. I hear Agnes's old Ford. Let's wait on her to go in with us. She might save your life. After last night they might be waiting for you right inside the door with rocks to stone you to death.”

“What did I do?” Carlene asked.

“You are a hussy, a bad one bordering right up there beside a hooker.” She lowered her voice and whispered the last word. “You rode down Main Street on the back of Jack Landry's motorcycle. Honey, next week you might be runnin' a whorehouse.”

“Holy shit!” Carlene said.

“Hey, I got the news at midnight and I wasn't the first one on the list of who to call if something juicy happens.”

Carlene leaned against the van and raised an eyebrow. She dressed conservatively that morning since she had to come to the church: pink slacks topped with a yellow and pink swirled print cotton sweater, yellow platform heels, and a pink silk scarf.

Agnes crawled out of her old Ford and waved. She wore a pair of stretch jeans and an oversized T-shirt with Clawdy's logo on the back. Her red hair hadn't seen a brush that morning but she had applied lipstick that ran into the wrinkles around her mouth.

“Maybe I should just slink in on my knees praying for redemption,” Carlene laughed. “I rode less than a mile with him and said good night without even kissing him on the cheek.”

“You'll pay hell,” Agnes said

“Maybe Agnes can protect us both. I'll be guilty by association just walkin' in with you two renegades.” Kim laughed.

Agnes looped her arm in Carlene's and pulled her forward. “I damn sure can. Come on. We're going in with our heads held high. You've signed the papers to divorce that sumbitch, Lenny Joe Lovelle, so if you want to ride on Jack's motorcycle with him, you can do it even if it constipates Kitty. And if she acts up, I'll pull that scarf from around your neck and strangle her with it.”

Three tables were set up with the one in the middle holding bags and bags of plastic eggs and small individually wrapped candy pieces. Kitty and her posse of five had already taken up residence at the table closest to the door with the Fannin outlaw sisters sitting at the table at the other end. The line was drawn, not in the sand, but in the middle of the fellowship hall.

Carlene slid into an empty chair beside her mother and Agnes took the seat at the head of the table. Kim sat right beside Carlene.

“Y'all will tell me if they start throwing knives or spears, won't you?” Kim asked.

“Don't worry about them. If I wink, you just dive under the table and don't get in my way,” Tansy said.

Isaac came into the fellowship hall from the church, talking as he crossed the room. “Good afternoon, ladies. I'm afraid I couldn't talk the men's Sunday school group into helping you stuff eggs but I did get them to volunteer to help finish spring-cleaning on the grounds. I understand the Fannin sisters have brought a big cooker of chili for us to eat at lunch. Jack Landry will be by in a little while to lend a hand. There's lots of help out in the yard so I thought he and I could keep you supplied with eggs and candy. With our big clumsy hands we wouldn't be much good at filling those little old eggs.”

Jack waved from the door and went right to the table, picked up an armload of plastic bags, and delivered them to Carlene's table.

“Feels kind of tense in here,” he whispered for her ears only.

His warm breath on her neck made her want to hug more than his back.

“You got that right,” she said.

“And these are for you ladies,” Isaac said cheerfully as he brought supplies to the other table. “With all this help, we'll be done in no time. Miz Sugar has also provided these cute little stickers to put on the eggs once they are filled to keep them from popping open. As you finish, put them in the paper bags beside your chairs. The guys who do the hiding will have them all ready to go that way.”

By noon the center table had been cleared off. All the paper bags were filled with eggs ready to be hidden the next day and there had not been a single word of fraternization between the two tables. The aroma of freshly cut onions, corn chips, and chili filled the fellowship hall as a dozen men filed in the door ready for lunch.

“Guess it's time to start serving,” Alma Grace said.

Carlene's insides were jacked up to the boiling point but that had more to do with Jack than it did with the tension in the fellowship hall. Adrenaline and guilt did not make good bed partners. If she had truly loved Lenny, she couldn't be looking at another man with lust in her eyes before the ink was hardly dry on the divorce papers. Yet, she had loved him and she was. It was so confusing that she wanted to throw plastic eggs at the ceiling and watch candy fall like confetti.

She shoved her hands in the pockets of her slacks and wrapped her fingers around a crumpled up ten-dollar bill. Should she give it back to Kitty right there?

No
time
like
the
present,
her conscience said
. Besides, you're in church. Nothing will happen here other than she'll stutter and stammer and deny that she gave that money to Ronnie.

“Hey, Kitty,” she called out as she rounded the end of the table where Agnes was still sitting. “Ronnie, the little boy next door, asked me to give this back to you.”

Carlene laid the bill on the table and Kitty popped up like a jack-in-the-box. She grabbed the bill and shoved it into her purse and turned on Carlene.

“You have the audacity to even speak to me after cheating on my son? You are a…”

“You might want to be careful what you call me considerin' you are in church,” Carlene warned.

“I wish that cat had eaten that dumb bird and I hope you get pneumonia from your allergies and die,” Kitty hissed.

Gigi's head whipped around. “You are talking to my daughter.”

Kitty shook her fist at Gigi. “Well, your daughter was seen with Jack Landry last night, flaunting herself on the back of his motorcycle.”

Gigi started across the room. “She's signed the divorce papers. Your son was still married when he was stupid enough to leave his bimbo's under-britches in his briefcase.”

Tansy had been talking to Kim when suddenly she looked at Agnes. “What did she just say?”

“She said that Carlene signed the divorce papers,” Agnes answered.

Tansy stood up and swept her skirts to one side. “Before that? Did she say she wished that cat had eaten Dakshani?”

A wicked grin stretched the wrinkles around Agnes's mouth so the lipstick looked just right.

Tansy started toward Kitty. “You bitch. I don't care if we are in church. I'm going to pull every one of those dyed black hairs out of your head.”

Kitty came out from around the table and met her halfway, bowing up into her face. “Don't you talk like that in front of Isaac.”

Carlene wasn't sure whether to hold Sugar back or turn her loose to support her sisters. She had to make a decision quickly because the look on Sugar's face said that Kitty had already gone too far and if she mentioned Jamie's name, she might end up toothless as well as bald.

“Ladies, ladies,” Isaac said. “This is the season of resurrection. Forgive. Forget and move on.”

Violet took a step toward Kitty and pointed at Agnes. “I'm not in a forgiving mood. Agnes Flynn shouldn't even be here. She hasn't been in this church in months.”

Agnes reached down into her bag of eggs, picked one up, and hurled it like a baseball. It hit Violet right between the eyes, bounced once on the table, rolled across the floor, and didn't even break open.

Damn, those were some good stickers,
Carlene thought.

Violet instinctively grabbed one of her eggs and launched it at Agnes. Agnes caught it like an outfielder, drew back, and let it fly across the room, binging Violet in the nose that time.

“Agnes Flynn, you have gone too far,” Violet screamed.

Agnes took off in a run to meet Violet halfway across the room. “I don't mind going to jail again.”

How
in
the
devil
did
two
old
women
move
so
fast?
Carlene wondered.

Agnes managed to slap Violet once before Tansy, Gigi, Sugar, and Carlene dragged her backward.

Violet had her fists doubled and was flailing at Agnes when Jack and Isaac forced their way into the melee. She landed a right hook in Isaac's eye and a left undercut in Jack's crotch, putting both men on their knees.

“See what you caused?” Violet snapped at Agnes.

Beulah came out from around the table and slapped Violet on the other cheek. “I've put up with a lot from you, Violet Prescott. But if you've ruined my chances at grandchildren, I will never forgive you.”

Kim rushed to Isaac's side. “Darlin', come on with me and I'll get an ice pack for that eye.”

“Darlin'?” Floy hollered. “You are dating that hussy? I'll see to it you are fired as soon as the vote comes up.”

Carlene knelt beside Jack. “What can I do?”

“Nothing,” he huffed. “Just give me a minute.”

Isaac managed to get to his feet and threw his arm around Kim. “Yes, we are dating. Yes, she is my girlfriend. I'm going to get this tended to and then we're going to have lunch and you are all going to behave like civilized adults who do not sling insults about firing the preacher.”

Everything went so quiet that it was eerie. Finally, Alma Grace dropped her chin to her chest and started to pray. “Father, as we partake of this chili that has been prepared by the future winners of the cook-off, please let us do it gracefully even if we don't like each other. Amen.”

Everyone stared at her but no one said a word.

“My cousins and I will serve the chili. Y'all come right on in and enjoy lunch. We're anxious to know what you think of this new recipe. Does it need more chili powder or maybe more beef? We are up for suggestions and little suggestion cards are stacked up beside the chili pot.”

Like always, food brought even enemies together, even if there was a separation of the two factions when they sat down to the tables to eat.

Agnes threw off Tansy and Sugar's hands and whispered, “You are all welcome.”

“For what?” Tansy asked.

“It was getting out of hand, Tansy Cordell. Another minute and you and Kitty would have been on the floor scratchin' eyeballs and a snatchin' hair. Then Sugar would have jumped in and Gigi was already spittin' mad. So it would have been three against one and even though I didn't give a shit if y'all whupped Kitty Lovelle, I didn't want her hurt and in the hospital.” She paused, took a deep breath, and whispered, “She's moved in with Lenny and I think that's the best punishment he can get for his sorry-ass deeds so let's keep her healthy, girls. Hell, I might even take her a pie next week.”

“Thank you, Agnes,” Carlene said, and she meant it from the heart.

Agnes smiled and whispered to Beulah, “It was two birds in one shot. I was thinkin' about throwing an egg at Violet the whole time I was puttin' candy in them. When she gave me a good reason, I did it. I still got a damn good throwin' arm. I enjoyed that so much that I'm comin' to church here tomorrow just to pester the shit out of Violet. Sorry about what she did to you, Jack. Next time we get into it, you'd do well to get behind me so I can protect you. And Beulah, honey, he's going to have to do more than ride down the street with Carlene to make grandbabies. Now let's get into this chili. I think it needs some more onions and maybe some more chili powder. What do y'all think?”

***

Alma Grace sat beside her mother and father in the crowded church. The sun was out that morning with not a single cloud in the pale blue sky. The meteorologist had declared it a perfect Easter Sunday with temperatures predicted to hit seventy-five degrees. Not bad unless there were lots and lots of bodies that registered 98.6 on the thermometer. And they were jammed up tight shoulder to shoulder in the church where the air conditioning had gone out during Sunday school.

Windows had been thrown open but there wasn't a breeze to be bought, borrowed, or stolen between the Gulf of Mexico and the Red River. Alma Grace was glad that she'd bought a cotton sundress with a bolero type sweater for the day and that she hadn't had time to shop for new shoes, so the ones on her feet were broken in.

Violet sat across the aisle from them. Makeup couldn't cover the purple bruise around her eye. Isaac sat on the bench behind the podium with a matching light purple tie and eye. At least it was Easter and they were all the right pastel color, Alma Grace thought.

Agnes was right behind Violet. She winked at Alma Grace when she caught her eye. Lord, those two old women were going to their graves fighting and feuding.

Carlene slid into the pew next to Alma Grace and picked up a cardboard fan from the back of the pew in front of them and started fanning. “What happened to the air conditioning?”

“It's broke. Where's Patrice?”

Carlene fanned wider so the air would catch Alma Grace. “She and Yancy are on the way. He's coming to dinner,” she whispered.

“Is Jack coming, too?” Alma Grace

“Hell, no!” Carlene said.

“Shhh,” Sugar fussed. “The program is about to begin. Floy is taking her place.”

Patrice and Yancy slipped in at the last minute beside Carlene. “Where's Mama and Aunt Gigi?”