The Red-Hot Chili Cook-Off (21 page)

Alma Grace leaned around Carlene and pointed to the front. “They're on the front pew so they can make Kitty uncomfortable. She and Lenny both are in the choir this morning.”

Isaac took his place behind the podium. “Today we are having our yearly Easter musical program. The Easter committee and the choir have worked very hard on this program. So y'all enjoy it and have a wonderful Easter. The entire offering today will be going to our Easter fund for next year's production. So when the plate is passed, be sure to dig deep into your pockets.”

Dig deep in her pockets, her Texas posterior. Alma Grace had already donated wings and a halo. That's all they'd ever get from her.

Somewhere behind her she heard a noise like ripping cloth. And then off to the side, a bubbly noise that left no doubt there was some major farting going on in church. Thank God the choir was singing loudly or the next one would have rattled the windows. What in the devil was going on?

She caught Patrice's eye and they each clamped a hand over their mouths like little girls trying to keep back the giggles. Then Carlene's face said that the smell had hit her nose and she quickly looked at both her cousins.

“Yesterday's chili,” Patrice sighed.

“I'm glad I didn't eat any of it,” Alma Grace whispered to Patrice.

“The deacons did and look at the wiggling on their pews behind the pulpit. I bet the choir is getting a noseful…” Patrice giggled.

Violet and another lady jumped up at the same time, right in the middle of the choir's rendition of “Amazing Love” and trotted down the center aisle toward the bathroom.

No one in the congregation smiled as Macy's glittery wings and lovely halo turned her into a floating angel above the congregation. Some were already leaving, hunting for fresh air. The brave souls who hung on had an expression of pure misery on their faces. Heat rises and with it went the aftereffects of spicy chili. Macy gagged, coughed, covered her mouth, and completely lost her voice during her solo.

Alma Grace looked up, winked at the ceiling, and said a fervent, if short, prayer of thanksgiving.

***

Carlene was in the yard gasping for air when her father draped an arm around her shoulders. “Happy Easter, baby girl. Your basket is on the kitchen table at home. What in the hell was that smell in there anyway. Did a sewer pipe break loose or something?”

“Daddy, I'm twenty-seven years old. That's too old for an Easter basket and the smell was pure old farts. I think it came from the chili our mamas served at the church yesterday,” she said.

“I don't care how old you are. You'll always be my little girl even if you don't have blond pigtails and those little fancy white shoes on today. So after the dinner at Sugar's, you'll come by and get it?” Alex asked.

“Chocolate?” she asked.

“One big Easter bunny is chocolate but the fluffy little stuffed bunny isn't.” He grinned.

“Solid or hollow?”

“That hollow shit ain't real chocolate,” he said.

Gigi popped him on the arm. “Don't say bad words in church.”

“Well, your mamas turned the whole Easter program into a fart machine and it smelled like shit in there so I don't see that saying a few bad words is so wrong. So that's why Macy couldn't finish her song. This is the best Easter ever!”

He squeezed Carlene's shoulders. “See you at Sugar and Jamie's. Oh, and just so you know. Your mama invited Agnes and Beulah. And Sugar felt sorry for Jack and Isaac so she invited them. And Alma Grace invited Kim. So it's turned into a big party.”

Carlene swallowed hard. “God…”

“…is good.” Alex's grin got even bigger. “Drive safe now. Lord, it'll be good to get out of this damned hot church and get this tie off. It would have been a good day for Isaac to preach on hell bein' seven times hotter than earth or about the stink when God sent down the plagues.”

Alma Grace looped her arm in Carlene's and dragged her off toward a side exit. “I don't need to shake hands with Isaac. Let's get out of here. I was feeling pretty angry that everything went so well, then the chili hit bottom and I found something to be downright happy about.”

“Alma Grace!”

“Well, I did.”

***

Patrice propped her feet on a chaise lounge on the patio where dinner had been served buffet style with all the traditional Southern foods, starting with baked ham and candied yams. Tulip centerpieces blooming in pastel-colored pots were on the center of the tables covered with pink, yellow, and blue plaid cloths. It was all very much in tune with the Easter holiday and now the guys, including Yancy, had all followed Uncle Jamie out to the horse stables to look at a new colt born just that morning.

“Got to admit when that motorcycle pulled up in my driveway last night, I figured it was Alma Grace. I ran to the window and peeked out but be damned if it wasn't Carlene. Y'all want to know what happened?” Agnes asked.

Gigi set her bottle of beer on the table. “I'm listening.”

“Mama!” Carlene exclaimed.

Beulah blushed.

Agnes patted her hand. “Don't go havin' a heart attack. They didn't make grandbabies even though after the way Violet tried to un-man him, it might have been a good idea.”

“Jack walked her to the door. I had to hustle to get to the living room window to see what happened next,” Patrice said.

“And?” Tansy asked.

“He slowly brought her hand to his lips, kissed her fingertips, and left. It was the most romantic thing ever.” Patrice sighed.

Beulah changed the subject. “Is Violet invited out here today?”

“The whole town is invited,” Sugar said. “It's a glorious Easter and we will put away our differences so the little ones can all hunt their eggs.”

“Speak for yourself,” Agnes said.

“Can I grow up and be just like you?” Patrice asked.

“You sure can, honey.”

“Agnes Flynn, I'm mad at you,” Beulah said.

“What the hell for?” Agnes asked. “I got you the right to hit Violet. Why should you be mad at me?”

“It's not fair that you get a grandbaby and I don't,” Beulah said.

“It's not really my grandbaby since Cathy is my niece, not my daughter. And if you'd gotten started when you were twenty instead of waiting until you were almost forty to have Jack, you might have a dozen by now,” Agnes told her.

Beulah worried about everything and everyone so Patrice was surprised when she drew her eyes down at Agnes.

“I wish I had and I wish I'd had five or six kids instead of one. You girls pay attention to me. You're all looking thirty in the eye. Believe me, it'll be here before you know it. It's time for you to settle down and have babies. You'll regret it when you are my age and don't even have grandchildren,” Beulah said.

“You listenin' to her?” Yancy bent over and kissed Patrice upside down.

“Yes, I am. Are you?” she answered.

Yancy kissed her again. “The guys have arrived and they're getting ready to hide eggs. You sweet ladies just sit right here and we'll do this job. Jamie says to tell Sugar that the caterers have the refreshment tables all ready. Y'all look like a picture from a Southern magazine all sitting around drinkin' lemonade.”

Gigi held up her beer bottle. “Darlin', this is not lemonade.”

“And it's not five o'clock but my lemonade has a little kick to it. If you'd like some, it's in the green pitcher,” Tansy said.

***

Folks began arriving in droves one thirty. Carlene had never seen such a turnout to an Easter egg hunt in her entire life. The whole yard and gardens behind Sugar's house really did look like a picture from a Southern magazine. Women had tossed piecework quilts down around the edge of the hunting field and the elderly were sitting in lawn chairs.

“Think I could hit Violet with an egg from here? I don't know why she came. She doesn't have any little kids. That weird son of hers and his new wife have told her that they aren't planning on a family,” Agnes whispered.

Josie pulled up a chair next to Carlene. “That was a fine dinner, Miz Sugar. I'm getting my appetite back. How about y'all?”

Gigi held up her beer. “Not much for food but Coors sure does taste good. Would you look at that?”

“Well, y'all did put it in the paper that the whole community was invited,” Josie said.

Kitty threw out a quilt about ten yards from the patio for her and Lenny. Bridget joined them but Macy's quilt was only six feet away. Bridget couldn't keep her hands off Lenny; Macy couldn't keep her eyes off Lenny. Poor man had two women vying for his attention and his mama living with him. It must be pure hell. Agnes was right. That was the best punishment ever. Maybe Carlene would make her a pie and take it to the house, too.

“I can't believe she is here,” Gigi gasped. “And Lenny? Lord, we had to practically pay him to come to anything the family had when y'all were married and now he's showing up?”

Jack pulled up a chair and sat down beside Carlene. “I got my eggs all hid. It looks like a plastic factory exploded out there. The dentist business is going to be booming.”

“Better dentists than some of them dying with botulism,” Sugar said.

“Salmonella,” Agnes told her. “Botulism is what they get from green beans that haven't been cooked right.”

“You think Kitty would like a green bean casserole?” Tansy asked.

Jamie's big booming voice came through a bullhorn. “Okay, kids. It's one minute until I shoot this gun. Get ready now. Don't cross the line until you hear the shot and then get after it. My advice is to take it slow and easy and not run. Oh, my goodness, would you look at that? The Easter bunny is here!”

“Where is Yancy?” Patrice asked.

Jack pointed. “Costume fit him. Did y'all really think we were looking at a colt? Jamie said whoever looked best in the costume had to wear it.”

A giggle escaped from behind the hand that Carlene had clamped over her mouth. “You're kidding me!”

“He must love you a lot, Patrice,” Jack said.

The Easter bunny was pink with a big head and pink ears. He carried an oversized pink basket filled with little chocolate bunnies and he hopped up and down the line dropping one in each basket.

“You better latch on to that man,” Tansy said. “Look at the way Macy has turned her attention from Lenny to him.”

Alma Grace patted Patrice on the arm. “We'll double team her if she starts flirting with your man.”

Jack leaned over and whispered to Carlene. “If it makes you nervous for me to be here, with Lenny right there and all, I'll go up there with your dad and the guys.”

Carlene reached over and laced her fingers with his. “I'm just fine. I might need you to keep Agnes and Violet out of trouble. Or Aunt Tansy and Kitty.”

“I'll do what I can if Tansy and Kitty get into it but, darlin', I'm lightin' a shuck out of here if Agnes and Violet do. Those two can fight until one of them is dead before I step in again,” he said.

Agnes cocked her head to one side. “Did I hear my name over there?”

“Yes, ma'am. I said if you and Violet have a little altercation, I'm going to start runnin' and I ain't stoppin' until I'm safe in my jailhouse,” Jack said.

“Smart man, Carlene. You'd do well to make Beulah some grandbabies with him,” Agnes said.

Beulah rolled her eyes and threw up her pudgy hands. “Agnes Flynn!”

Agnes shrugged toward Beulah. “Honey, welcome to the world of being old and sayin' what you think. It feels real good.”

The Easter bunny finished giving the kids the candy and hopped over to the patio. He pulled an envelope from his basket and handed it to Sugar. “Found this in the bottom with your name on it.”

She carefully opened it and read the note: “Dear Miz Sugar, this is a donation for the Red-Hot Bloomers Team and a thank-you for a lovely party today. My brother is on the Hellfire Team and he gives me grief about women never being able to make chili like he can. Next year I'm proving him wrong and want to thank you for paving the way for us girls.”

Sugar tucked the money into her pocket along with the note. She'd share it with her sisters, later, but right then she wanted to watch the children pick up all those lovely plastic eggs.

***

Dusk was setting when Patrice kissed Yancy good night on the front porch. “You made a cute Easter bunny.”

“Did you want to pull my ears or my tail?” he asked.

“Oh, honey, I wanted to tear that costume right off you and pull something else altogether,” she said.

“Then I'll make arrangements to rent it sometime. I love you, Patrice. Today was fun. I told Jamie that I'd be the bunny again next year. Next up on the agenda is the cook-off. You won't be too disappointed if you don't win, will you? That chili your mamas brewed up was some wicked stuff.” He strung kisses down her neck, her shoulder, and all the way to her fingertips.

She watched him drive away until the taillights disappeared, then grabbed the doorknob only to have it swing open from the inside. Carlene handed her a glass of sweet tea and motioned her toward the sofa.

“Let's talk chili cook-off now that Easter is done,” she said.

“But shouldn't Alma Grace be here?”

“She doesn't deserve it. Didn't you see the way she's been all happy for the first time in a year and not once today did she offer to pray, not that I'd have stopped her after those last two prayers. God, that was beautiful,” Carlene said.

Patrice set her glass down on the end table and threw her head back on the sofa. “That witch is having sex, isn't she? She's the religious one of us and she gets to have sex today? What's wrong with this picture?”

“Evidently, God loves her more than us.”

“How long has it been for you?” Patrice asked.