The Regal Rules for Girls (37 page)

I felt like someone raised by wolves who had suddenly recognized the sound of my mother tongue even if I couldn’t speak it myself. I felt like the kid in
The Jungle Book
when he first saw another human. The sound of that upper-crust accent evoked my deepest memories and innermost desires, and in that beautiful, emotionally charged moment, I became some kind of English accent–addicted madwoman.

So as you can imagine, when I moved to the UK two years later, and Rupert introduced me to the Bright Young Things, I was beside myself. I was attracted to almost no one at my American college, and even less so at my hickville high school—and yet quite shockingly, I wanted to make out with every single male in arm’s reach that spoke to me in a plummy English accent! And let me tell you: It scared the daylights out of me.

These beautiful boys with their beautiful accents seemed to be from an enchanted world. A world of family crests, family castles, boarding schools, and black-tie dinner parties. Their carefree
conversations were more witty and intellectual than anything I’d ever heard, and they spoke to me with a James Bond–style charm that I found irresistible, about topics that I found utterly intriguing.

I think part of it was that I was so very different from them—and bridging that chasm of difference was an exhilarating aphrodisiac. Making actual physical contact with an idea that for years had seemed so out of reach was to me like making contact with a magical world beyond the looking glass. When it came to British men, my heart and mind were hooked. How could I turn back?

At the turn of the century, respectable Englishwomen used to force themselves to think of their childbearing duty to the British Empire in order to get through any kind of passionate activity with an Englishman. Fast-forward a hundred years and there I was seduced by the mere thought of one day serving the British Empire! Trembling with pleasure at the very idea of passionate activity with an Englishman!

In my early twenties, I hit the town with dozens of British boys: boys with titles, boys descended from Winston Churchill, and boys who are now elected members of the Queen’s government. I went out with racquets players, rugby players, wine merchants, Olympic
rowers, Buckingham Palace staffers, and Rothschild bankers. I’ve been to weddings at Westminster Abbey and christenings at St. Paul’s. I’ve had romantic moments that positively took my breath away and less than romantic moments that left me sobbing for weeks.

All of these Englishmen have been discussed and analyzed in excruciating detail with dozens of female friends via dozens of local and transatlantic phone calls. We’ve searched endlessly for evidence that might explain their behavior. All actions, all dialogue, all nuances have been examined repeatedly. Countless theories have been formed, but I’m sorry to say that I’m still working on a truly viable conclusion. The truth of the matter is that understanding the heart and mind of the English public-school boy can be more frustrating that the most grueling astrophysics course.

Still, with so many case studies at my fingertips, I’ve compiled some thoughts on the matter. This list certainly won’t make the entire subject of Englishmen crystal clear, but whether your current infatuation is one of lasting love or passing lust—the following points might spare you unnecessary heartache or confusion and prepare you for the romantic pitfalls you will doubtlessly encounter. So without further ado…

1. Englishmen
   like
   American girls. They think we are cute, smart, and up for anything. They like hearing about cheerleading and sororities and what it’s like to ride a yellow school bus and eat pancakes for breakfast. (That said, in the back of their minds, they are not sure if they can bring you home to
   meet their parents. In the beginning, you are just an interesting experiment that happens to be good arm candy.)
   
2. Boarding school messes them up a little. When your mummy and daddy drop you off at a strange place when you’re seven years old and only visit you three or four times a year for the next decade, it can’t
   not
   damage you in some way. Abandonment issues? Definitely. Resentment? You better believe it. Emotional stunting? Affirmative. I’ll never forget one tipsy evening when, in a moment of highly unusual candor, a handsome English boy explained to me that when his parents drove off that day and his little seven-year-old self realized he was never going to live at home again, it kind of
   calcified
   his heart. He actually used the word “calcified.” There is a lot to be said for this, I think. British boarding school was invented to harden up young Englishmen in preparation for the great task of running the British Empire.
   ¹
   Even though such reasoning is no longer relevant, the assumed
   necessity
   of boarding school is an ideal the British upper middle classes still vehemently cling to. It’s not that they are bad parents or don’t love their children; it is simply
   what is done
   . Boarding school is assumed by their social set to be the finest English education—and it is precisely
   because
   they love their children and want the best for them that they swallow their tears, maintain a stiff upper lip, pack their little darlings up, and send them on their way. But you can’t explain any of that to a first grader. Fast-forward twenty years and these poor British boys are still coming to
   terms with being left behind by those they loved most. As a coping mechanism, they tend to submerge any and all emotion. Their English hearts have already been through a lot, and initially, they can’t bear to repeat such vulnerability by showing feelings for a girl. Besides, the way they see it, American girls have enough emotions for both of you, so why add more?
   
3. Englishmen are baffled by women because they grew up surrounded by men. Think about it: They’re dropped off at their all-boys boarding school and spend the next ten years without a single female influence. Their peers are male, their teachers are male. In fact, most Englishmen of this social ilk really don’t encounter girls at all until university. They are simultaneously awed by women and terrified of women—but they certainly don’t come close to understanding women. Hence they decided long ago that the best way to cope with any and all female encounters is to get drunk.
   ²
   
4. After eighteen years of life with no women, many adult Englishmen compensate by deciding never to be
   without
   women ever again. These boys
   want
   you around but have no clue how to
   keep
   you around. Don’t take it personally because they literally are still learning. When Prince Charles infamously said, “Whatever ‘in love’ means,” he wasn’t being cruel toward Diana, he was simply being honest. He
   genuinely
   did not know what love was! Charles attended one of the harshest
   boarding schools in Britain (and as a child was made to shake hands with his mother rather than embrace her). Not all Englishmen are
   this
   emotionally repressed, but the fact remains that many crave the love they never felt and therefore have no idea how to express this strange feeling toward others. On the flip side, American girls are extremely in touch with their emotions (sometimes overly so), and while Englishmen find this refreshingly attractive, they also find it slightly petrifying because they have no idea how to appropriately reciprocate.
   
5. Because Englishmen are so emotionally closeted, big arguments rarely surface. Some girls think this is a plus. For me, the jury is out.
   
6. Englishmen have no idea what
   dating
   actually is. They’ve seen it happen in American movies, and when they pretend not to be watchin
   g Sex and the City
   . But it still confuses the hell out of them.
   
7. Seeing other people?
   What’s that?
   Exclusivity?
   What’s that? You must understand that these are
   entirely American terms
   . In England, you are in an instant monogamous relationship or you’re indulging in a recreational night of passion—both are perfectly acceptable depending on what you’re looking for—but you need to understand that to the male English brain, there is nothing in between.
   
8. Since debutante balls don’t really exist anymore, English boys have to meet girls
   somewhere
   , and once they meet them they have to do
   something
   with them. So they make it up as they go along in that charming, bumbling, entirely inept way that epitomizes what it means to be English.
   
9. From the cradle to grave, British boys tend to mix within the same circle of friends. There is actually an embarrassment in certain English circles of introducing anyone to anyone, because of course everyone is supposed to know everyone already. In this bizarre insular world, it’s best if you can make contact with an attractive English male through a mutual English friend or trusted English acquaintance. At least then the boy in question knows you are socially “safe.”
   
10. If an introduction is not possible, and it often isn’t because, after all, you only just moved to this crazy sceptered isle—then make sure the object of your affection is slightly under the influence. I’m not asking you to proactively spike his drinks, but all those English inhibitions and strict social protocols tend to evaporate after a few rounds of gin and tonics, so use this lubricated window to your advantage.
    
11. Ideally get him to approach you (Englishmen like to hunt—that’s why they wear tweed). Make eye contact across the room. Smile demurely then lower your lashes à la Princess Diana. Repeat every thirty minutes.
    
12. When the moment is right, leave your group of friends and sit somewhere by yourself (pretend to check your messages or look for something in your bag). Or go to the bar and politely ask for a glass of water. As female prey, you are much more approachable (and less terrifying) if not surrounded by a gaggle of wing women.
    
13. When he finally says hello—and believe me, if he’s drunk and you’ve been exchanging glances, eventually he will—play it cool. Keep smiling, keep laughing, and ask questions
    (guys love to talk about themselves). You’ll soon find that British guys have a rather seductive knack for turning even the smallest banalities into sparkling repartee.
    
14. Englishmen are attracted to our sincerity and openness, but don’t scare him with loud Americanisms, bore him with silly things you don’t like about England, or use any of the danger words that I mentioned in the section on language, (see
    page 40
    .)
    
15. Finish the drink in your hand as quickly as possible. When he asks if you’d like another (and he will), always accept. Drink this drink as slowly as possible.
    
16. If he asks you to dance, you may not be speaking to an actual Englishman! But if he is drunk enough, dancing could be in the cards, so don’t be afraid to join him on the dance floor. I’ve found British boys to be surprisingly good dancers as long as you let them lead.
    
17. Try to leave the venue before he does. (I’m telling you, Cinderella knew what she was doing.) Place your business card in his hand and tell him to email you. Business cards are an excellent way to share your details without looking too forward or aggressive (and in many cases he won’t have formally introduced himself or asked your name). When out and about in London, I
    never
    left the house without a small pack of cards in my purse. (If you don’t have a business card, get a cute one made. It doesn’t have to have an actual business on it. If the Victorians did it, so can you.)
    
18. The majority of Englishmen don’t have the social skills to ask for your number. Don’t take this personally. It just
    doesn’t occur to them as the obvious next step in seeing you again.
    
19. If he miraculously remembers to ask for your number, and you actually want to see him again—give it to him! (And, come on—if you don’t trust him with your number, why are you still standing there talking to him?)
    
20. Rather than reciting your number to him, suggest calling him from your phone so your number appears on his screen. This is a coy way of getting his digits and putting you on an equal playing field—because god knows it can be hellish if he has your number and you don’t have his.
    
21. Kiss him good-bye on the cheek (or if you dare, on the lips) and make a quick exit. Text later that evening—something short, sweet, and flirty but not overly sexual. Then, however excruciating it may be, resist all urges to make contact again. The ball is officially in his court.
    
22. Sometimes the evening gets carried away and you are way past kissing on the cheek. He’ll offer to share a cab home with you, but mainly because he’s hoping to be invited in. Please keep in mind that all Englishmen are NSIT!
    
23. If you really want to see him again, avoid staying the night at his flat. Even if you come in for, in the words of my friend Olivia, “a quick drink and a fumble,” call a cab to take you home at three in the morning. It’s so much classier (and so much more mysterious) than waking up with panda eyes in last night’s party clothes.
    
24. If you simply got drunk and accidently spent the night with him, don’t panic. Englishmen seem to be fond of what I call
    “reverse dating”—meaning it is very common for dinner and a movie to happen
    after
    your first sexual encounter (this is especially true for university students).
    
25. If you haven’t heard from him after a week or so, ask mutual friends to do some sleuthing for you and/or push him in the right direction. Sometimes a little nudge is all it takes.
    
26. Unfortunately, there are times when you simply won’t hear from him ever again. You can’t take this personally. The magical chemistry you felt during your first encounter
    was
    real (don’t try to convince yourself otherwise), it’s just that most Englishmen lack the skills to hold on to it. Don’t be angry with him; just be amused at his ineptitude. (And remember that when it comes to matters of the heart, he’s probably been through just as much pain as you have—but being English, he has absolutely no clue how to deal with it.)
    
27. Nine times out of ten, when he
    does
    finally contact you—an Englishman will text, not call. These texts are usually vague, often funny, and will always require some degree of decrypting.
    
28. Don’t expect to be asked out immediately. (See numbers
    3
    ,
    4
    , and
    6
    .) In the beginning, if he fancies you—he will simply try to make you laugh.
    
29. Texting and email technologies are actually a dream come true for most Englishmen—both allow British boys to avoid verbalizing any type of emotion while facilitating their innate love of language and wordplay. Emails and
    text messages give Englishmen the courage and the platform to say all kinds of things to a girl that they wouldn’t dream of saying to her in person. That blinking cursor magically negates many of their deep-seated English inhibitions, and in fact, I sometimes think that when it comes to romantic interaction, for British men, it’s very similar to being drunk.
    
30. Don’t reply to his messages immediately. Make him wait. Make him worry and wonder if you will reply at all. (The only exception to this is late night texting, which tends to be more flirtatious and move at a faster pace.)
    
31. When he does suggest meeting up again, don’t expect a well-thought-out evening (and don’t expect him to pick you up). In all reality, he’ll probably just invite you to a pub that is convenient for him. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you or he
    doesn’t want to spend time with you—it just simply never occurred to him to make reservations at a restaurant.
    
32. Englishmen specialize in what I call the “non-date date”—which means don’t be surprised if his friends are already there when you arrive, or if his friends show up halfway into the evening. (Warning: He will seem slightly more relaxed in the company of his friends, but slightly less doting toward you. He may also forget to introduce you to them.) Don’t take any of this personally. It is just how British boys do things.
    
33. You’ll probably be expected to drink all evening without eating. (Again, this doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you or he doesn’t want to spend time with you—it just simply never occurred to him to make reservations at a restaurant.)
    
34. If it’s just the two of you—and he invited you out, he pays for the drinks. It’s that simple. Don’t overthink it any more than this. (If his friends are there, offering to buy a round is always a nice gesture.)
    
35. Playing hard to get in itself can be hard, so in the beginning, only agree to dates (or non-date dates) on school nights. That way you have an excellent excuse not to go home with him.
    
36. If you actually find yourself sitting with an actual Englishman at an actual restaurant with menus—then give yourself a pat on the back. This means you have an unusual English specimen. You have an Englishman who not only thinks he feels (yikes!)
    an emotion
    toward you, but is familiar with the concept of dating and, even more so, the concept of a dinner date. He’s not entirely sure what happens on these “dates,” but he knows that they usually happen at restaurants. This is
    huge
    evolutionary progress.
    
37. Try to put the poor guy at ease. Make breezy American chitchat. Tell him what you think looks good on the menu (so he doesn’t worry that you’re ordering lobster). And for your sake and his, order a bottle of wine asap.
    
38. Keeping your new continental table manners in the forefront of your mind, order food that you feel confident eating the correct way. And even if you’re on a low-carb diet, I need you to eat at least one piece of bread—not only to
    practice your bread plate skills but to soak up all those glasses of wine.