The Regret Series Complete Collection Box Set: Lost to You, Take This Regret, and if Forever Comes (64 page)

So badly I’d wanted that for my life, but years ago, I’d given up on that perfect picture, counted it as loss.

Standing here now, those hopes came rushing back, kindling the remnants of those days of my life that had been filled with such a pure, unassuming innocence. It set those hopes aflame and ignited my dreams anew.

My attention wandered the length of the mirror, taking in the simple strapless gown. It had a bodice of delicately braided white lace and a thick ribbon sash that fit snugly just above my expanding waist. It gave way to a cascade of tulle that fell in soft waves down my body. The dress flowed all the way to the floor, and the material was fuller in the back with just the hint of a train.

A swell of emotion surged, pumped steadily through my veins, joy and peace and ecstasy.

How, in such a short time, had my life gone from empty to complete? Less than a year ago, I’d spent my nights alone, yielding to the belief that I always would be. Now they were spent in the safety of his arms.

Christian had once again changed the direction of my life, this force of a man that I could never have resisted. I never should have tried.

Because a life with him was the only thing I wanted.

“Oh my God, Elizabeth,” Natalie whispered at my side. Her fingertips were pressed to her lips. “It’s…perfect.”

Through the mirror, Natalie met my watery gaze. I let mine wander to my daughter who bounced beside her.

“You look so pretty, Mommy…like a princess,” she asserted through her precious grin.

A tremulous smile edged my mouth as I looked down upon the little girl I loved with all my life. I slanted my hand over the soft material covering my stomach, where this new life blossomed. Somehow this baby girl managed to fill me just as full. Not for a second did she take away from the love I held for Lizzie. She just magnified what was already in my heart.

“And look at you, precious girl. You are going to steal the show,” I promised her.

Redness flooded Lizzie’s face as she twirled the silken material of her baby blue flower-girl dress. She giggled. Bashfully, she whispered, “I think I look like a princess, too, Mommy.”

From over my shoulder, I caught my mother watching me with outright adoration.

In the beginning, she’d had reservations about Christian and me. It wasn’t that she didn’t want us to be together, it was just that she believed we were rushing into things too quickly, the way we’d upped the wedding date, definitely when we told her we were expecting. She’d wanted us to give it time so we could find if we really could fit back into each other’s lives, for trust and belief to build before we made any permanent commitments.

But time had brought that all to an end, because time could never change what Christian and I shared. A strong relationship had steadily built between Christian and my
mother. It was one that was so incredibly important to me because I loved them both more than should have been possible. I couldn’t stand for any riffs to remain between them.

The same awe I was feeling shined back at me. Moisture swam in her eyes, glistening in the warm brown. “You’re beautiful, Elizabeth. Unbelievably beautiful,” she said.

Her words tightened my chest and made it hard to breathe. “Don’t make me cry,” I demanded, pressing my fingers into the hollow beneath my eyes, trying to rein in the emotion that was vying for release.

But it was already too late.

Tears worked their way free and slipped down my cheeks, a fervent display of everything I’d ever wanted. Frantically I rubbed them away. “Oh my god, I’m going to cry all over my wedding dress.”

From where she stood beside my mother, Claire watched me with her own elation shining through. Chewing at her bottom lip, she struggled to control her brimming emotions that quickly overflowed.

And I was trying not to laugh, trying not to cry, knowing that I looked a complete mess, because all of this was entirely overwhelming.

I was going to marry Christian.

The realization hit me hard.

Natalie choked over the tears that welled up in her throat, laughing over the sob she seemed to be struggling to keep in.

The seamstress who’d done my final alterations probably thought all of us insane, these grown women standing in the middle of the bridal dressing room, crying through their laughter.

Natalie wiped her wet cheeks, her smile unending. Then she shook her head with a grin. “Christian is going to lose it when he sees you in that dress.”

My gaze traveled back to my reflection. Redness seeped across my chest and flamed at my cheeks, because I couldn’t help but picture the expression Christian would wear when he first caught sight of me. But what struck me most was I could only imagine how it was going to feel when I finally walked down the aisle toward the man who owned me, heart and soul. The one who held me in his hands and captured every thought in my mind.

I couldn’t wait to stand before him in this dress and promise him my life.

Chapter Nine

Elizabeth

Present Day, Late September

On Thursday afternoon, I pulled up close to the curb in the circular drive in front of Lizzie’s school. I cut the engine to my little red Honda and glanced at the clock glowing from the dash. Only three minutes until the last bell rang. Yearning nudged me somewhere in my chest. It was just a little thump of awareness. But it was there. It was a feeling I hadn’t truly experienced in so long. I’d longed and I’d mourned, but I realized then I hadn’t really
wanted
.

And I wanted Lizzie.

Two days had passed since I last saw my little girl. She spent Tuesday and Wednesday nights with her dad. Even though I always missed her, there was a grim resignation that always came with it. It was then I’d find myself lost in the oblivion of sleep, wasting away the minutes and hours, letting go of those days of my life because I didn’t want to live them.

But today was different. I wasn’t sure what it was. This morning I woke early. I’d gotten up and cleaned the house, went out in the backyard and puttered around in the flower bed, had showered and changed.

I even looked in the mirror, studying what my mother had seen earlier in the week, the hollow woman who’d been staring back at me. Almost frantically, I put makeup on, as if I could cover it up, hide what was festering inside of me.

And I knew it was only a temporary solution, a patch that couldn’t hold.

Still, I found some sense of satisfaction in it.

Now I was anxious. I gripped the steering wheel, willing time to pass. I couldn’t wait to wrap Lizzie in my arms.

After what seemed an eternity, the bell rang. Seconds later, children began to flood through the school gates and out into the open corridor.

I rose from my car and went to stand on the walkway, my attention focused ahead as I strained to catch the first glimpse of my daughter.

“Hey, Liz.”

A short gasp escaped me and I jumped when I was hit with the voice that fell much too close to my ear. I pressed my hand to my chest, trying to catch my breath.

“Logan, hi,” I wheezed. A disconcerted smile ruffled my mouth as I attempted to regain my composure. Ridiculous, but the man had really startled me.

“I didn’t hear you,” I said, feeling self-conscious as I peeked up at him from the side.

He laughed, pitching a casual hand through his shaggy, blond hair.

I might have been from California, but Logan definitely owned the look.

“Well, that’s because you were about a million miles away.” With a grin, he gestured his chin toward the gate. “Or rather, lost within those halls over there.”

I smoothed myself out. “Yeah, I guess I was, wasn’t I?”

“Are you missing her?” he asked, his expression suddenly serious as he turned his full attention on me.

Taken by surprise at his question, I jerked to look at him. I blinked rapidly as I found him staring down at me. His gaze was intense, like he was searching for an answer inside of me.

I really didn’t know him all that well. I’d spoken with him casually when I’d dropped Lizzie off at his house or he’d picked Kelsey up at mine, and we’d shared quick exchanges like this out here in front of the school. But honestly, the last months had passed in such a blur that I really couldn’t remember much of our interactions at all, just innocuous hellos and goodbye wishes that meant nothing at all.

Now he was looking at me as if he understood some fundamental piece of me.

He seemed to take my silence as an admission, and he released an empathetic breath. “You know…” He spoke softly, slowly, his hands stuffed deep in the pockets of his shorts. “It’s really difficult getting used to at first.” He kind of shrugged. “Dropping them off and knowing you won’t see them for days. Going home to the obtrusive silence of an empty house.” He inclined his head, nodding as if he were convincing me of something I needed to know. “But it does get easier. I can promise you that. Pretty soon, it just becomes a routine. Normal.” It almost sounded like defeat.

Is that what this was? Something I would get used to? I chewed at the edge of my bottom lip as I let my attention drift back toward the gates. The idea tumbled around in my head. My first instinct was to reject the notion. No, I just wasn’t willing to
accept this as normal. But the truth was, I didn’t know what normal was anymore.

A shock of black hair that could only belong to Lizzie finally came into view behind the herd of students flocking to their cars. Her ponytail bounced wildly behind her as she skipped along the sidewalk, hand-in-hand with Kelsey. She was smiling, a smile so bright I couldn’t help but smile myself.

“Mommy!” she squealed when she caught sight of me. She made a beeline in my direction, Kelsey in tow. “I missed you.” She threw her arms around my waist and hugged me. I weaved my arms around her, high up on her back, holding her close to me. God, it felt so good. How much had I missed this child? I realized then, I’d been missing her for much longer than just the last two days.

For a few seconds, she kept her face buried in my stomach before she turned that precious face up to me.

I ran the back of my fingers down the soft skin of her cheek, my head tilted to the side as I looked down at my daughter beaming up at me. “I missed you so much, baby girl. Do you know that?”

Her little hands clung to me, and I felt all of her love. But it was there, too, a trace of her confusion, a hint of her need she kept tucked inside her, hidden away in the same way I hid my own. I sighed in regret as I ran my fingers through the silky strands of her ponytail, a gentle encouragement that somehow, someway, we were going to figure all of this out.

She hugged me a little more before she turned her attention back to Kelsey, who seemed to be permanently attached to her side. “Mommy, when can me and Kelsey play again? We haven’t got to play in a whole week,” Lizzie said emphatically, the sweet, innocent, little girl making a return.

My voice was soft as I cupped her cheek. “I’m not sure, sweetheart, but I’m sure we can figure something out.”

“Kelsey’s going to be with me over the weekend.” Logan’s voice broke into the moment.

I’d almost forgotten he was there. Taking Kelsey’s backpack from her, he slung it over one shoulder.

“Why don’t you and Lizzie come over Sunday afternoon? We can let the girls play and we can barbecue or something?” He said it in an offhanded way, completely nonchalant.

I hesitated, knowing it should be nothing. Still, it felt like something.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea right now,” I said quietly, turning my gaze down to my feet.

“Oh, please, Mommy, please!” Lizzie begged at my side as she jumped up and down.

Kelsey joined in. “Yes! I wanna have a barbecue!”

I chanced a glance in his direction. Logan grinned at me with his hair flopping down in his face. He flipped it back with a shake of his head.

“It’s not a big deal, Liz. Honest…it’s just food, and it’ll be a ton more fun if we share it with friends.”

My deadened senses sparked. Christian fluttered through my consciousness like a breeze, a gust of his presence breathing into me. His touch…a whisper of his mouth. A ripple of need.

An eruption of blinding pain.

I squeezed my eyes to block it all out, this reflex that curled in my stomach and soured in my mouth.

I hated it, hated that I couldn’t stop myself from feeling like this whenever I thought of him.

I shook the involuntary reaction away, convincing myself it didn’t matter anyway. It wasn’t as if this meant anything, because it didn’t. It was just something to get me out of the
house, something to break me from the cycle I’d given myself over to.

I’d promised Natalie…had promised myself.

I will try
.

“Come on, Mommy,” Lizzie implored again as she tugged at my hand, looking up at me with hopeful blue eyes.

“Fine.” I bit at the inside of my mouth as I agreed, feeling a flicker of unease. “Is there anything I can bring?” I asked warily, giving in and looking up at Logan.

“Nah. Kelsey and I hardly ever get the chance to entertain, so we’d be happy to take care of it all. Right, honey?” he asked as he flashed a mega-watt grin at his beaming daughter.

“Right!” she said with a delighted nod of her head.

“Yay! I get to come over to your house!” Lizzie released my hand and nearly tackled Kelsey, the girls jumping as they squeezed each other in an overt show of excitement.

For the second time today, there was no stopping the smile that prodded at my mouth, the faintest hint of joy manifesting on my face. Seeing my daughter this way, knowing everything she’d been dragged through over the last few months and she still was thriving, brought a feeling of peace over me.

Any discomfort this brought me was worth it.

I will try
.

I would try for her.

“So what time do you want us over?” I asked.

“Three sound good?”

“Sure.” Unsure would have been a better description of what I was feeling, but I said it anyway. I took Lizzie’s hand to start for the car. “We’ll see you Sunday, then.”

“Oh, and Liz?”

I paused and looked over my shoulder.