The Rejected Writers' Book Club (Southlea Bay) (24 page)

“So, he swam with me to the bank, which could have only taken a few minutes, but it felt like an eternity to me. Probably because I was so scared. My face was so close to him, I could hear him breathing as he swam. His thick black hair was like a mop floating in the water next to me. I remember thinking, even though I was petrified, that I wanted to reach out and just touch that hair just once while I was so close . . .”

Gracie giggled then, saying, “But I didn’t. He got me to the bank, and someone put a coat around me, but I did get a cold and had to stay in for a couple of days.

“One day after that, Douglas came to visit me. I remember how shocked I was when I saw him at the door. I’d been sitting by the fire in an old cardy, as my mum always called them. My nose was running and my eyes were red, and I was feeling pretty miserable. When I heard the knock on the door, I thought it was the baker, who was due to drop off bread that day, so I opened it without even thinking, and there on the doorstep was Douglas.

“Well, I wanted to die,” added Gracie, looking straight at Lavinia.

“Absolutely,” added Lavinia. “No lady wants to be caught in her cardy.”

The group laughed then, and I noticed Gracie was becoming more and more buoyant as the story went on, as if in telling it she were being released from the power of the past.

Doris topped up our tea, and I actually took a bite of the carrot cake.

“Anyhow, I didn’t let him in. It wasn’t the done thing when a girl was alone at home, but he said he’d just come to check on me, and I was so touched. Something was ignited in me that day. I found that whenever we were out as a group, I would find myself looking for him, trying to get closer to him whenever we were together.

“One day, we all went to a village dance together for a lark. Mary had been dancing with Douglas, and I had taken a turn around the dance floor a couple of times with some of the other local boys. When Mary and Douglas returned to the table, he was raucous, and she was exhausted.

“He was saying, ‘Is that all you have in you, Mary? I could go another two or three at least.’ Mary was laughing and said, ‘Not with me, you won’t. Why don’t you take Grace around instead?’ I felt my heart leap in my chest.

“Mary pushed me to my feet, and before I knew what was happening, I was in Douglas’s arms, and we were on the dance floor. At first, we were both a little tongue-tied. I know my face was beet-red, but he eased me by telling me he would try not to step on my feet, and we laughed. But as my body got closer to his, there was an electric energy between us, one I can’t even explain to this day, a merging of our souls that can’t be expressed in words. As our bodies circled around the dance floor, it was as if on each turn, we were becoming closer and closer to becoming one person. I know he felt it too. I could hear his heart pounding in his chest. It was as if a magnetic force was willing us together.

“We didn’t dance again, but in my mind, that was the beginning for Douglas and me. Something had awakened, something that was a little fearful for both of us, I believe.

“At the end of the night, we all walked home. Mary wasn’t feeling well, so Douglas and I walked her home first to make sure she got back okay. I also think secretly I’d wanted to be with Douglas alone. Once Mary went in, we looked at one another on the doorstep, and he said, ‘I should walk you home,’ and I nodded. We talked as we walked, and normally when we were together with the group it would have been all fun and light, but this was different, more careful, purposeful. Just a short distance from my house, I lost my footing on some broken stones, and he grabbed me again saying, ‘I’ve got you.’ I responded, laughing, ‘Don’t tell me, you wish you didn’t?’ His blue eyes met mine, and we both said together, ‘But I’ve got you all the same.’ And we laughed.

“He held my hand then and didn’t let it go, and we didn’t speak for a minute. Then he said, ‘Gracie, there’s something I want to ask you.’ My heart was pounding through my chest, and I didn’t want him to keep speaking, but he did. We paused under a large oak tree that grew on the edge of our town. I remember thinking that it was all so romantic.”

She giggled once again, as she added, “Then he said, ‘Gracie, I would like to kiss you.’ I almost laughed then. He said it in such a proper way.” Gracie repeated the words again, this time matching them with a perfect Scottish accent. “‘Why don’t you, then?’ I said, and he reached down and gently stroked my face, looking into my eyes as if he wanted to remember that moment forever. Then he kissed me. And it was lovely,” said Gracie, her voice becoming dry with emotion. “I think I need a minute,” she said, clutching her hankie to her chest.

“I think we all do,” said Lavinia. “I’m perspiring like a racehorse.”

“Let’s take a short break,” said Doris.

As we got back together ten minutes later, the mood in the room was so much lighter. The door was now open, and Gracie seemed to be enjoying herself. After we’d all had another cup of tea and finished our cake, Gracie returned to full storytelling mode.

“Where was I?” she said, getting comfortable in her favorite chair.

“In my favorite place, the throes of passion,” joked Lavinia.

“Oh yes. Well, when I got home I realized that it was a big mistake, and I knew that Mary was totally smitten with him. So I decided to put him out of my head. The next time I saw him, we were both embarrassed and agreed that we’d just got swept up by the moment. I think we both knew it wasn’t the case, but neither of us had the heart to hurt Mary.

“Then the war started, and everything changed. Most of our young men went off to fight, but because of Douglas’s hearing problems, he had to stay behind. So he worked for the home guard and used his own tiny fishing boat to ferry soldiers to and from France whenever they needed him. He and Mary decided to get engaged, and I remember my feelings were mixed. I was so happy for them both but still felt a yearning. There was something unsatisfied in me.

“Then the GIs came to town, and our world turned upside down. I remember the feeling of excitement as they arrived. Strong and full of confidence, they lifted our spirits, and we were all a little in awe of them. And that’s when I met Doris’s father, the dashing William Jonathon Miller, whom everyone called Will. He told me later that he’d wanted to marry me the very first day we met. I’d been helping Mum in the post office when he came in to post a letter home. He’d been so brazen and charming, refusing to leave the post office until I agreed to go out with him to a dance they were having in town to welcome the GIs. He was larger-than-life and a hoot to be around, and before I knew it, I was having so much fun with him. It had been such a long few years, and we had been working so hard for the war effort, it was nice to take a break and enjoy a breath of fresh air.

“Then, in a moment of craziness, he proposed to me, and I found myself saying yes, as I loved being around him. He made me laugh all the time. Then he was shipped out. I remember how devastated I was when he left, frightened that I might never see him again. We wrote to each other constantly. Then, when he was listed missing in action, I took to my bed for a week. My mum would try and tempt me with all sorts of treats, but I was heartbroken. I just kept the letters he had written under my pillow. I convinced myself he was dead. Somehow, it was easier that way, because if he was still alive, I believed he would have found me to tell me. So instead I decided he wasn’t coming back—so many didn’t—and to hold out hope just hurt somehow.

“One day I decided to take a walk out and found myself at that little duck pond I’d almost drowned in. As I sat staring into the water, I became aware of a familiar presence next to me on the bench. It was Douglas. I was thrilled to see him; with the busyness of the war, I hadn’t seen him for months. ‘Not thinking of throwing yourself in, I hope,’ he said mischievously, ‘because I’m not wearing the best clothes to save you today.’ We both laughed.

“He’d been busy ferrying soldiers back and forth to France. Mary had also been busy volunteering at the local hospital, and I hadn’t even seen her for about six weeks either. It was then that he told me he and Mary weren’t together anymore; apparently, she’d met someone in the hospital who won her heart. The Florence Nightingale effect, I believe they call it now.

“Douglas and I were now both alone, and we needed someone. The constant loss of war was all around us, and it made you want to hold on to anything that was good and safe. We started to see each other, just as friends at first. We would go to the pictures or out to eat. However, whenever we would get close, that same electricity was still there. We carefully chose to keep our distance, as we were both still in a lot of pain. Then, one day, something happened.

“We’d got caught in a downpour and had to run to a bus shelter to get out of the rain. He’d taken off his raincoat to put around my shoulders, and as he did, I looked up into his dripping wet face and found, more than anything, that I wanted to kiss him. His eyes were full of fear, as if maybe he felt the same way and didn’t know what to do about it. He was about to back away when I said, ‘Douglas, there’s something I want to ask you.’

“‘What?’ I remember his tone was serious as he looked down at me.

“I gazed back up at him, saying, ‘I would like to kiss you.’ He’d smiled back, remembering that day, years before. He appeared to hesitate for just a minute before his lips were upon mine. Both of us were so hungry for love, both of us hurt and lonely; it was inevitable, I suppose. So much loss and hurt all around us.”

Gracie stopped, lost deep in her thoughts, and then she added in a quiet, gentle voice, “It was one of the most passionate times in my life, and we couldn’t get enough of each other, but contrary to my sister’s lies, he was the perfect gentleman and never took advantage of me.” Gracie took a sip of her tea thoughtfully before saying, “He asked me to marry him over and over again, but I was still engaged to William and felt a sense of obligation. Until there was the final letter telling me he was officially dead, it just didn’t seem proper.”

She giggled then.

“Funny, there I was having a passionate relationship with Douglas, and it didn’t seem proper to give up on an engagement my heart had already let go of. We were so full of ideals back then and making sure we all did the proper thing. That time with Douglas was a wonderful time, a window of joy in a time of so much sadness.”

She took a sip of water and then her eyes clouded over as she added, “Until the day Douglas went away from me. He’d been in the post office that morning and was trying to talk me into going out with him that evening to see a movie. I needed to stay at home, as my mother was sick. As we bantered playfully, the post arrived, and there was something in it for me from America. I was surprised, as, apart from Will, I didn’t know anyone in the United States. It was from Will’s mother. He was alive, and she’d been trying to locate me to let me know he’d only just been transported from a French field hospital.

“I couldn’t believe it. It was with such mixed feelings I received the news. I was overjoyed that he was alive but not sure how I felt about Will anymore. Douglas, however, was not so overjoyed, and we quarreled. He wanted me to choose between them, and I couldn’t. I loved both men in different ways.

“Douglas left the post office that day, and that night the D-Day invasions began. Douglas was called to collect soldiers all night from the beaches in Normandy. On his last run, his boat was attacked, and he was badly injured. He was sent to the hospital that Mary worked at, and she told me right away.

“I raced that night to his side. I didn’t think he was going to wake up, and I really needed him to wake up. I wanted to say how sorry I was and to tell him that I’d chosen him and that I loved him. I waited all day and all night for him to open his eyes. I waited until I finally fell asleep across his bed.

“Late that night there was an air raid, and the whole hospital was rocked. I jumped up when a bomb dropped nearby, nearly knocking me off my feet. Then I felt a hand take my arm, and I heard Douglas say, ‘I have you, Gracie. Don’t worry, I have you.’ I was so glad to see his eyes open that, even with the air raid going on all around us, I sobbed and pulled him close and kissed him all over his face. ‘Don’t leave,’ I shouted through the noise. ‘I love you and I’m sorry.’ He nodded and smiled before his eyes closed for the final time.

“William arrived the next day to the same hospital that Douglas died in that night. He was so glad to see me, and in a way, I was so glad to see him. As I held him, I thought how the grief of losing Will had thrown me into Douglas’s arms and now the loss of Douglas had thrown me into the arms of Will. It made me wonder if there is much difference in our hearts between love and grief. They both have a yearning that seems unable to be satisfied. When I eventually married Will, I never regretted it. He gave me Doris, and he made me very happy. He was a wonderful, warm, larger-than-life human being, and I felt lucky to have found not one, but two amazing men to love in my life.

“I went to Douglas’s funeral a week after he died. As I was leaving the church, the same church we’d met at all those years ago, I put my hands on his coffin, and I whispered to it, ‘I have you, Douglas. I wish I didn’t, because it hurts so much, but I’ve got you all the same.’”

Gracie stopped then as the raw emotion swept through the whole room. She pulled her little lace hankie into her chest, saying, “And I do have him, till this day. I have him right here.”

We all wept together in quiet companionship, taking in this amazing story. Then, slowly, Lavinia took my hand. I knew instinctively what she was doing, and I took Ruby’s, and slowly the whole circle of ladies followed suit. Then Lavinia started very slowly and everyone joined in,

“Selected for rejection

We reach for true connection

Choosing a path of celebration

As we bond . . .”

We all paused then. I think the words caught in our throats as we finished the promise,

“With true affection.”