The River Leith (9 page)

The rain rushed by Dr. Thakur’s office windows. It was dark in the room without the sun shining, and the gloom lent a solemn atmosphere to the usually cheerful room. Dr. Thakur sat at his desk, a big wooden thing that made him seem very small behind it. There were photos of his wife and children scattered around, and loads of books with titles that made Leith’s head swim.

“You’ve been much calmer this week, but also more distant. The OTs all report that you’ve been subdued. Can you tell me about what’s going on with you?”

Leith leaned back in the leather chair, trying to decide what he wanted to tell Dr. Thakur. His whole perspective had altered, and he didn’t know where to start.

“I’m just thinking of the future I guess,” Leith said. “Arthur told me that CUNY was holding my place, and I don’t know if I want to go back. And then there’s boxing. I don’t know how to feel about it. I used to love it, but I don’t know if I should fight again. I don’t know if I want to. This injury was a close call.”

Dr. Thakur looked at his file and closed it. “Speaking of such things, you’ve been cleared for more rigorous exercise. Would you like to start using the gym here tomorrow? I think it would be a good source of stress relief for you.”

“Sure. That sounds good.”

Dr. Thakur sat behind his desk looking as calm and radiant as always. Leith idly wondered if he ate stars for breakfast to glow like that, and then his thoughts turned, as they had all week, back to Zach. He also glowed like he was made of starlight, so pale and bright.

“Zach brought pictures for me to look at the other day.”

“Did you find them of interest?”

“Yes.” Leith looked down at his hands folded in his lap. “His full name is Zachariah. That’s a nice name, don’t you think?”

“It is indeed. Did you know it means ‘Jehovah remembers’?” Dr. Thakur smiled, his white teeth flashing. “Are you aware, Leith, of the various threads of meaning in your name? Given the situation, you mind find them interesting.”

“My mother chose my name. Her people were Scottish,” Leith said. “My father’s side was German.”

“I see. Perhaps the connection exists only in my mind then.”

Leith waited, but Dr. Thakur said nothing else. “So you’re not going to share? You’re just going to drop something like that into our session and expect me to ignore it?”

“Not ignore it. Ponder it, maybe. But if you’re curious, have you ever heard of the River Lethe? No? According to Greek myth, it was one of the five rivers in the Greek underworld. The dead were forced to drink from the waters of Lethe in order to erase their memory of their life on earth.”

“I haven’t heard of it.”

“According to the Greek beliefs, some might say that during the time you were in a coma you traveled to the underworld, consumed the water of Lethe, and then returned instead of going on across the River Styx. Some might say that’s how you came to lose your memories.”

He scoffed. “Who would say that?”

“Long ago Greeks, perhaps.”

“Well, some might say that you’re stranger than any of your patients.”

Dr. Thakur grinned. “Indeed. I think we both agree
some
would be right on that account. But consider it a moment, Leith. The waters of Lethe. Is there a lesson in the concept of the river of forgetting you can embrace?”

“Don’t drink the Kool-Aid?”

“Nicely played,” Dr. Thakur said. “But don’t sell yourself short here, Leith. Give it some thought.”

Leith crossed his arms over his chest and shrugged.

“In the meantime, you were telling me about Zachariah
—
”

“Jehovah remembers.”

“
—
and how you liked his name.”

Leith shrugged. He’d lost the thread of his original comment. His mind drifted back to Zach and the way his hands moved when he talked, and the exciting sound of his laugh. He wished he could remember what had attracted him to Zach the first time. Had it been there from the beginning? Or had it been a gradual fall? How had he taken it, he wondered? Because he wasn’t sure he would have taken it well. He’d always focused his attention on women. He’d never allowed himself to seriously consider a man before.

Leith sighed.

“Sounds heavy,” Dr. Thakur said.

“I just wish I could remember.”

“I know. It would make things simpler, I’m sure.”

If he was Lethe, a river of forgetting, and Zach was about remembering, what did that mean? Who exactly was Jehovah
—
was that another name for God?
—
and what was it he remembered? Everything? Or nothing?

Dr. Thakur cleared his throat. “That’s all for today, Leith. I’m sorry to cut our session short, but my son has a football tournament this afternoon, and I promised I’d attend.” He frowned at the window. “They play rain or shine, I’m afraid.”

Leith stood up and ran his hands over the jeans Arthur had brought in the day before. Leith felt like it was progress to start dressing in real clothes again. Arthur had also brought shirts, including a blue polo that was very similar to the yellow one Zach had worn. “It’s from Zach,” Arthur had told him. “He thought you’d like it.”

Leith had rubbed the fabric against his cheek. “Yeah. It’s soft.” He must have sounded strange because Arthur had made a face at him. Now, Leith crossed over to Dr. Thakur’s door, and he smoothed his hand over the front of his shirt, remembering the way Zach’s shoulder had felt against his palm.

“Leith? One last thing. What is the significance of the birds you keep making in art therapy? Do you know?”

Leith fiddled with the hem of his shirt. “I think I just like birds.”

Dr. Thakur’s eyebrows lifted, and it was clear he didn’t believe him, but Leith walked out anyway. He made his way to the door to the rose garden. He stood in the open threshold and listened to the drone of the rain.

After several minutes of feeling the spray of it against his face as it pelted the sidewalk, Leith pulled his cell phone from his pocket and texted Zach.

My doctor wants to know why I keep making birds out of clay in art therapy.

Zach’s reply made him smile, and he put the phone away. He stepped into the rain, feeling it seep into his hair, run down his face, and soak his clothes. He felt clean and cheerful. He felt good. He repeated Zach’s message in his head, hearing the text in Zach’s voice.

Has it never crossed his mind that you might simply like birds?

THE SAME DAY

VLOG ENTRY #4

INT. APARTMENT – COUCH – DAY

Zach sits on a sofa in an apartment alone. Behind him is a table strewn with dishes.

ZACH

Hello, my loves! It’s your old friend Zach here. Thank you, my dear friends, for the unbelievably kind and loving comments and emails. It’s in part because of you that I feel so much more optimistic today. Thank you especially to everyone who even offered me places to stay so I could get away from it all. In other circumstances, that would have been just the break that I needed.

I even bought a plane ticket to visit a friend in Italy! I had the ticket printed out and my bag packed, I’d thrown Blue Flight into Arthur’s hands
—
even though he’s got more than enough on his plate these days too. And then…

He shrugs and sighs, looking up at the ceiling and then back at the camera with a sparkle in his eyes.

Well, then Leith texted me. What can I say? I sat forever right here on this very sofa, just staring at the words he’d sent, and I knew I couldn’t go.

He said he missed me.

He takes a deep breath and blows it out slowly.

You can imagine how it felt to hear that. I owe it to Leith to stay and see him through his mess in whatever capacity I can. And as much as I’d love to jet off to Italy and drown my sorrows in Chianti, it wouldn’t be fair to Arthur
—
or the staff at the bar. They’ve all been so great about pitching in since the accident. I guess the days have passed when I can pretend to be carefree and without responsibilities.

He smiles sadly.

Carefree. It’s hard to imagine I ever felt that way. So…I guess you’re wondering, aren’t you? How things are with Leith?

He shrugs, pressing his lips together, and looking down.

Things are much the same, but entirely different. He doesn’t remember me. That hasn’t changed. I’m told that it never will. But
I
remember
him
, and I love him. I made a big mistake earlier this week, thinking that being with another man could help somehow. It was so tempting to keep running, but then Leith texted. If
he
misses
me
, then maybe…

He shakes his head.

No. I can’t let myself go down that road. But just because he doesn’t remember all the promises we made to each other doesn’t mean I shouldn’t keep them. We might not have been married, but we’d promised to take care of each other no matter what, and I’m holding myself to that. I’ll never stop doing things for Leith. No matter what. No matter how this turns out.

Zach sighs, picks up a throw pillow from the couch, and then tosses it aside. He grabs it back and leaves it in his lap, his fingers twisting at the seam.

He thinks I’m his best friend. That was what the doctor and I agreed on when they said I could see him finally. It’s true enough but it leaves out a lot, obviously.

And it’s hard because every time I see him, I want to kiss him and touch him the way I used to, but I can’t. I don’t even mean sex. It’s everything else that I miss so much more. Things like…how soft his hair felt when I mussed it, and the way he smelled, and the rumble of his voice in his chest when I lay with my head on it at night…

Biting his lip, he shakes his head.

I can’t allow myself to think of those things right now. It doesn’t do any good, and it hurts.

He slaps his palms against the pillow.

So I’m moving forward. How will I move forward, you may ask? Well, I’m going to see Leith every day starting tomorrow. I know, it’s not exactly what most people consider to be moving on, but it’s what I have to do. He needs me, and I’m not going to let myself be a coward anymore.

He takes a deep breath and smiles shakily.

So that’s where I’m at, my lovelies. A better place than the last time you heard from me. It’s progress, and I’ll take it. I’m nervous about going back to see Leith, but I’m excited too. I’d go now if visiting hours weren’t ending soon, but tomorrow will have to do. I’ll let you know how it goes. Until then, farewell.

He blows a kiss to the camera.

Arthur, skinny and tired-looking as ever, trimmed Leith’s hair with old-fashioned clippers while he talked about the two hundred dollars he’d lost on the horses.

“That looks better,” he said, cleaning up the mess and wiping a warm, wet towel over Leith’s neck and shoulders. “Hop in the shower so you don’t itch.”

Leith washed himself while Arthur stood in the doorway, describing the neck-and-neck final moments that had put his horse in second place. “Hindsight being what it is, I should have gone for the exacta box. I’d have walked away with a little money, at least.”

“You’re playing with fire,” Leith said, drying off and pulling on fresh clothes. “After our father’s problems you shouldn’t be betting on horses at all, Arthur.”

His brother waved his hand. “Hold
your
horses, baby brother. It was just a day of fun with a pretty lady.”

“Oh? You have a pretty lady?”

“Don’t I always?” Arthur smirked, brushing his hair out of his face.

Leith chuckled to himself.
If anyone needs a trim…

A knock at the door announced Zach, who stood laden down with bags and a big basket. His dark hair was in impeccable order, and he wore an aqua, tight-fitting T-shirt that made his pale skin appear luminescent. He smiled tentatively.

“You came back!” Leith blurted. He cleared his throat, willing his heart to stop racing. “Hey. Good to see you.”

“Your food dealer has arrived, baby brother,” Arthur said, watching as Zach put his bundles on the comfy chair in the corner. “Speaking of addictions, I’m sure he’s feeding yours.”

“Cheese?” Leith asked.

“Of course,” Zach answered, his dark pink lips widening to reveal his bright teeth.

Leith watched closely as Arthur slung an arm around Zach’s shoulders and shook him the same way he did Leith. Leith noted with satisfied amusement that spread warm and right through his body that Arthur didn’t have to stand on his tip-toes to give the brotherly shake since he and Zach were roughly the same height.

Zach let Arthur man-handle him without any fuss, and then started unpacking the picnic basket, revealing fresh fruit, a new container of yogurt, and bright vegetables that made Leith’s mouth water.

Arthur said, “Since Zach’s here for dinner, that means Blue Flight has been left in the hands of our employees, so I’d better get over there and supervise.”

“Oh yes, that’s the only reason you’d want to rush over,” Zach said, rolling his eyes.

“You know as well as I do that one of us should always be there,” Arthur said with a haughty air.

“Uh-huh.” Zach smirked. “Then you’d better get moving.”

Leith watched the exchange with a small smile. Before he could ask who his brother wanted to rush over to see, Arthur cuffed Leith on the head lightly
—
very
lightly.