The Rock Season (26 page)

Stevie

I slept off and on for the next two days. I couldn’t blame Aaron for what happened. He was just trying to take care of his brothers under diminished capacity. It hurt to think that he didn’t trust me enough to see this through. I guess that whole “Faith, Trust and Prayer” philosophy was true. He just didn’t have them where I was concerned. Now all I could do was wait and see.

When I had picked up Shireen and Ryan, they insisted I tell them everything. Ryan was particularly angry with Aaron for the way he treated me. He was angry with himself for leaving and for not having an alarm system. Grandma McShane decided to stay for an extended period with her twin sister outside of Dublin. I would miss her. I really enjoyed spending time learning from her.

Shireen and I talked a lot about the home school option and I told her I would do some research and call her. She and Ryan were going to be meeting with the D.A. and principal and trying to sort everything out. I felt terrible for their whole family. On a positive note, Ryan looked really healthy! He’d put on some weight and seemed much more like the tough guy Aaron and the boys had made him out to be. I was so glad he’d had the time away and hopefully, once the smoke cleared, he’d get even better.

Schroeder called me Thursday and begged me not to give up on Aaron.

“I told you he could be a jackass. I’m sorry you had to see this side of him before you really grew to know and love the main McShane.” We laughed about that and he promised to keep me posted.

I called Mike that night and asked him to take me car shopping over the weekend, which he was tickled to do. Ryan begged me to leave my Bug over his place.

“I’m going to need something to tinker with or I’m liable to go insane over here with all this nonsense.”

Mike picked me up Sunday and we went to the Ford dealer. He was itching to test drive a Mustang and I thought I’d look at the trucks. I’d had a blast driving Ryan’s, all things considered.

The vultures swooped in as soon as we pulled up in his BMW. He pulled me inside past them and asked for the fleet manager. Turned out it was one of his old college buddies so we got good service. As much as I loved the Mustangs, I decided to be practical. Owning a truck would make me more self-sufficient. Mike’s friend gave me a great deal on a used F-150 quad cab. It was ginormous compared to my little Bug! It was black and had a killer stereo with an auxiliary jack for my iPod. I was kind of excited to join the 21st century! I even paid cash and still had a hefty amount of my nest egg left, so I felt pretty good about the whole experience!

Mike asked me to join him for lunch, so we stopped at BJ’s. It was late so the lunch crowd was mostly cleared out.

“So how’ve you been, Stevie? Maryland said you’ve been spending time with a guy across the Bay?”

I shrugged and sipped my Diet Coke. “I have. He’s pretty terrific, but we keep hitting snags.” He raised an eyebrow and gestured for me to continue. “Mike, if you ask me for more info, you’re gonna get it because I’m pretty lost here.”

He laughed. “Of course I want to know! Jesus, do you know how boring my life has been without Maryland? I need some juicy gossip!”

I kicked him under the table. “You really miss her, huh?”

He smiled. “I totally do, Stevie. And I miss my girls. I’m hoping when they come back, I can just swoop them up and move them into my place. I can’t stand it anymore. And if she doesn’t come home pretty soon, I’m fucking going to Alaska. Getting divorced was the dumbest thing I ever did in my life.”

I knew they’d work it out. Once Maryland mentioned there was a chance, I knew they would. They belonged together. I wondered if I could say the same for Aaron and I.

I gave Mike the full story. He was a surprisingly good listener! When I caught him up to present tense, he got his game face on.

“See, here’s the thing. Stevie, this guy is obviously nuts over you and is probably sitting home with his broken leg kicking himself with his good one. We guys have to feel like we can handle our business, even something as colossally fucked as his situation. He’s certainly got his hands full. And that’s just it. He probably felt like he was supposed to take care of you, too. I don’t know how you fix it, I just know if it were me, I’d pray you didn’t give up hope on me.”

I smiled sadly. “I’m not. At least, I don’t want to. I just feel really awkward about being over there without him asking me. I don’t even know where we stand! We never talked about boyfriend/girlfriend, none of that! I know he loves me, but I don’t want to butt in. His parents want me to homeschool his brothers, and I want to because they are great kids who got a raw deal. I just don’t want to step on his toes and God help me if he brought another woman around. I would just crawl up in a corner and die.”

Mike didn’t have any answers for me. It just felt good to have a guy’s perspective. I told him he was almost as good as Maryland at the whole corner coach gig.

He held up his hands. “I learned from the best.”

My phone started buzzing on my lap. I frowned when I saw it was Patrick.

“Hey, Patrick. What’s going on?” I heard voices in the background.

“Hi. Um. I’m sorry to bother you, but I wanted to apologize for my asshole brother and ask you to come back. Basically, I mean, Peter and I really want you to help us with school and, well, Asshole is a mess. An even bigger mess. He’s been up in his apartment since you left. I think he’s even been drinking because I saw a couple of empty bottles of bourbon on his counter. I didn’t even know he had them! Pops’ is pissed at him and they aren’t speaking.”

Wow, this was more information than I’d ever gotten from Patrick. “I don’t know what to say, Patrick. I hate this, too. But he and I need to talk, and me coming over there without an invitation would be a recipe for disaster. Especially if he’s been drinking.”

Patrick cursed and then apologized. “I’ve never seen him like this. All Peter could get out of him before Asshole threw him out was that he royally fucked up and lost his Goddess.”

Mike was looking at me funny from across the table. I gave him a confused look and shook my head.

“Look, Patrick, I told your mom, I’d do some research into home school programs and it looks like there’s a decent one in your district. I’m sending her the information this afternoon and hopefully she can get you guys signed up ASAP. But if I’m going to work with you, maybe we should meet at the library or something. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, especially Aaron.”

“Screw him, Stevie. He’s the one who fucked up. Look, just think about it, please? We need you.” Patrick was truly a great kid and he was breaking my heart.

“And I’ll be there for you guys, ok? You’re getting your diplomas and that’s that! Hopefully we can get started in the next couple of days. I bought a truck today so I can come over there whenever you are ready to start.”

He thanked me for him and Peter and said, “Are you going to call my brother?”

Mike was watching me with a pitying look on his face.

“I don’t know. I don’t really know what to do.” I reassured him that I’d see him soon and we hung up. I dropped my head into my hands and felt myself shaking. The tears were about to start spilling.

“I should go,” I said to Mike. “Thanks for lunch and for being my muscle.”

He nodded. “Anytime. That includes this guy if he keeps screwing up.”

I gave him a hug and left without any answers.

When I got back to my apartment complex, I went to the office to get a new parking pass and smiled as I stuck it to the window. At least I was making progress to get myself moving again.

I went upstairs and checked email. I had a notice that someone had responded to my blog. Frowning, I opened the page and saw a post from disgracedconcertbuddy:

How do you know whether or not something is too good to be true? I once had this discussion with the most incredible woman I’ve ever known. I told her Faith and Trust. And Prayer. I had something that good with her. But instead of Faith, I had Doubt. Instead of Trust, I had Fear. And I totally forgot about Prayer. I let that incredible woman walk away from me. Now I am stuck in my apartment, non-ambulatory, and all I can do is think about her and search for the answers. I decided to come back to the beginning and read her blog. I thought it would give me some insight, some miraculous plan for how to fix things. Instead, I’m just reading more and more about what an incredible person she is. And I’ve got another 5-7 weeks to sit here and dwell on my mistakes. If this were an advice blog, I wonder what they would say? How do you heal a gaping wound when you can’t even seem to get the pieces back together again? Folks, let me tell you that alcohol doesn’t work. Exercising would probably be perfect except for the whole non-ambulatory bit. Instead I’ll turn to what has always healed me…Music. I’ll play some of my favorite heartbreak songs, some songs about the one that got away, and maybe I’ll even find that perfect “I fucked up, please forgive me” song and learn to play it for her. All I can do now is pray that she’ll still listen, even though I was too stubborn to listen to her.

Aaron’s words blurred as my tears collected. I couldn’t stand it a minute more. I threw together a few things in a bag and I ran downstairs to jump in my new truck. I texted Patrick to tell him I was coming. His answer:

thank God. Please hurry. I can’t take his brooding anymore.

I drove as fast as I thought I could get away with and made it to the McShane’s in twenty-five minutes, a new record. I pulled up in front and met Ryan on the back porch. He hugged me and said quietly, “Bless you, Stevie. You really are a miracle.”

I smiled at him and said, “No, Ryan. He’s my miracle. Can I see him?”

He gestured up the stairs toward Aaron’s apartment. I kissed him on the cheek, grabbed my bag from the truck, and hurried up the stairs. The door was unlocked so I went inside. Aaron was sitting on the floor with stacks of vinyl around him. He had his headphones on and didn’t hear me come in. I watched him for a minute, my eyes filling up with tears once again. He was shirtless, his back up against the bed, looking for something. I walked around into his line of sight so I wouldn’t startle him. I knelt down in front of him and waited for him to notice me. He was wearing a pair of sweats with the leg cut off over his cast, he hadn’t shaved in probably several days, and he looked like he’d lost some weight.

His expression was confused when he finally looked up at me. I offered him a smile and touched his casted leg. He looked down at my hand and back at me. I pulled a sharpie out of my bag and started writing on his cast.

I missed you

He held his hand out for my pen and he wrote:

I’ve been trying to find the right words. The right music.

I smiled at him and took the pen back.

Let’s do it together. I love you, Aaron Ali Salaam McShane

He wiped at his face and he looked as though he was going to fall apart. I settled between his open thighs, careful of his cast, and curled up against his chest. He took a few shaky breaths before he tentatively brought his arms around me. And then he buried his face in my hair.

McShane

I didn’t trust this to be real until I buried my face in her hair. God, the one place I felt safe and sane… I hadn’t just missed her. I mourned her. This time was worse than before. My leg killing me was the only thing keeping me from feeling completely lost. It was the only thing that kept me grounded. The pain of losing her was too much.

But somehow she was here and this time I wasn’t going to let her go, I didn’t care how obsessive it sounded. I didn’t want to be without her ever again.

I pulled the headphone cord out of the jack so she could hear what I was listening to. It was Tonic’s “If You Could Only See.” It wasn’t perfect. I still hadn’t found the perfect song. Maybe I didn’t need to.

We sat like that for a while, not talking. The sky grew dark outside and I felt like I was drifting into sleep. Stevie turned to me and whispered, “Have you eaten? Do you want me to go get…”

I shook my head, not wanting her to leave my side. I brushed her hair back from her face. I touched her cheek and ran my fingers around the back of her neck. She looked worried.

“Baby? What can I do?”

I shook my head and the tears wouldn’t be stopped. “Forgive me? Stay with me?”

She smiled and kissed me gently. “Done and done. Let’s get you up, though. Your ass has to be falling asleep.”

I laughed and it sounded rusty. There’d been no laughter in my life without her. I motioned for her to step back and I pushed myself up until I could get a grip on the mattress and then I sat for a moment.

“You’re getting pretty good at that,” she said.

“Lots of time to practice.” I grabbed my crutches and got them in position. “I’m a mess. I think I should go clean up. I’m sorry-”

She stepped forward and damn if she didn’t shut me up with her kisses. I hated these damn crutches. I wanted to drag her against me, but I had to settle for her soft, forgiving kisses.

“Do you want me to help,” she asked.

I smiled at her, thinking of how much fun we’d had with that before. “I will, but right now I just want to be quick about it.” I looked around, realizing this place was a total pit. “I, uh, haven’t had much energy to-”

“Go clean up,” she said, stepping back from me. “I’ll be here.”

Those three words comforted me more than ‘I missed you’ and ‘I love you.’ I didn’t want to let her out of my sight, but even I could smell myself and my beard was ridiculous. I felt like Tom Hanks in Cast Away.

I had mastered the art of showering with my cast on. I had a huge garbage bag I wrapped it in. I took my time washing, shaving, and brushing my teeth…It didn’t make a whole lot of difference. I still looked like shit, but at least I wasn’t rank. I wrapped in my towel and stepped out to find her gone. I started to panic, started to think maybe I’d finally lost it when I heard her on the steps talking to someone. Then I noticed she’d stripped the bed and had picked up my dirty clothes. I wanted to cry again like the nancy I was.