The Rocker That Needs Me (The Rocker...) (10 page)

I bit my lip. “I have to do this, Shane. I know it’s going to hurt him, but right now I have to do what is best for me. That must sound selfish, and I’m sorry.”

After a long pause he finally nodded. “Yeah, I understand.”

He walked with me to the patio and asked if I wanted to go for a run with him the next evening. I knew he was just being nice, but I really needed someone right then. My chin trembled and I nodded. Shane sighed and pulled me into his arms. “It’s going to be okay, Lana. Everything will work itself out.”

Our run Thursday night was almost relaxing, and it left me looking forward to Friday evening since he had asked me to run with him again. After the stress of the last week, the running helped me relax, and I ended up falling into a deep sleep for the first time Friday night.

Saturday wasn’t pretty. Layla was home earlier than I expected, and Jesse was already talking to Emmie about my college plans since she had left him a message that she needed to talk to him about it as soon as he got back. I wanted to be mad at her when Jesse stormed into the new house with rage in his eyes, but I couldn’t. She was just looking out for Jesse after all.

“Lana, why?” Layla demanded, tears in her eyes as she turned to confront me. “I don’t understand why you would do this.”

With Jesse shouting and Layla crying, I couldn’t handle the situation like I had wanted to. Unable to deal with it, I ran up to my new room. Of course Jesse followed me, wanting answers, and Layla joined the party, trying to diffuse the tension but wanting answers too. I could see that my sister suspected the truth; it was there in her eyes. She couldn’t possibly know all of it, but she could guess, and knowing her, she would guess right.

I wasn’t ready to face Drake when he stormed into my room. I wasn’t ready for any of it, actually. Confessing everything—that I loved him, that I had heard him having sex against the hotel room door—hadn’t been part of my plan, but I had to tell him. He deserved to know where I stood. That even though he had shattered my heart, I still loved him.
Would always love him
.

It nearly killed me when I saw his face as I told him I was leaving. Three thousand miles. I didn’t know if it was far enough away to get over him, but I knew it was hurting him. His best friend was abandoning him.

“I’m sorry, Drake,” I whispered.

He didn’t say a word as he turned and walked away. As the door shut quietly behind him, I crumbled to the floor, shattered all over again.

Drake

Over the last three weeks, I had heard them all. Excuse after excuse, and they all ended with the same phrase: “…and then I hit rock bottom and ended up here.”
Here
was the best rehab in the country. The one place I hoped to find solace after the mess I had made of my life because I had hit rock bottom, and now I was free falling toward Hell.

In the three weeks, I had been here, I hadn’t had one drink. I was shaky, fingers trembling just at the thought of a bottle of any kind of alcohol. Depression was a painful thing. It made your entire body ache for no good reason. My chest constantly felt like there was someone standing on it. Sometimes at night I couldn’t sleep from the sheer pain of not having my angel close. There was nothing—not one damned thing—that I could do about it.

The staff, from the nurses to the psychiatrists, all said I was doing well. I thought they were full of shit. I was a mess. Without the alcohol I was haunted day and night, not only by nightmares of the day I had beaten my stepdad half to death, but now I had one more torment to add to all the others.

Lana’s face as she told me she loved me, but that I had ruined everything.

Emmie had called me the night before and asked if I was coming home next week, when my thirty days was up. I wanted to see her so badly. I had never spent this long away from her, but I knew that if I really wanted to get through this I needed to stay another thirty days…

Today, I was having a one-on-one session with my psychiatrist. It was the first time I had ever sought the guy out instead of him having to seek me out. He said that step alone was progress, but I thought he was delusional. I spent ten minutes just staring out his window at the lake off in the distance before I even started talking about what was on my mind, but he give me time and space.

Finally, I blew out a long breath and raked a hand through my hair in frustration. “I was sixteen when I opened the first bottle. The first swallow was like swallowing a mouthful of fire, but the burn was a good one. It took my mind off of what I wanted to forget. The second swallow was a little easier to get down, and by the third I was out of it.”

The doctor, a skinny man with long gray hair pulled back into a ponytail and eyes that looked like he had seen it all in his profession, simply nodded. “How did you feel later, after the effects wore off?”

“Worst headache of my life,” I assured him. “My mom…” I swallowed hard. I rarely talked about my mother. It was just too painful to think about her. “My mom thought I had the flu and stayed home from work to take care of me.”

“Do you want to talk about your mom, Drake?” Dr. Kent asked, having seen me flinch at the mention of my mother.

I sighed and locked my fingers together behind my head. “Not really,” I muttered.

Kent was quiet for a long moment, as if he were giving me time to rethink my answer. When he finally did speak, he surprised me. “Your brother has come to visit you a few times, but he never stays long. Why is that?”

Pain sliced through my chest thinking about Shane and his last visit, just the day before. Lana was gone. She was in New York now, three thousand miles away. I hadn’t gotten to tell her goodbye or that I loved her. She was just gone, off starting a new life that I had no place in.

“He just wants to see how I am,” I told the doctor, “but he knows that I will want to leave with him if he stays too long.” Yesterday had been one of those days when I had nearly begged my little brother to get me the hell out of this place. I wanted to get on a plane and follow Lana across the country!

The only thing stopping me was the knowledge that I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be with Lana just now. First, I had to become a man that was deserving of my angel. The man I had been three weeks ago, when I had walked through the front doors of this place that was so private it didn’t even have a name, didn’t deserve Lana. I was working toward being one that did.

“Maybe we should sit down and have a group session. Me, you, and your brother. Perhaps, the only way to sort out your past is to face it head on. Do you think he would be open to that?”

I glared at the doctor. “I don’t want to put Shane through that.”

The doctor let it go, and I spent the rest of the session just staring out the window again…

When I walked into Kent’s office the next morning, after a nurse had informed me that I was to have a session with the doctor again, I wasn’t pleased to find my brother sitting on the long sofa in front of the doctor’s usual chair.

“What the fuck?” I exploded and faced the doctor, who was sitting calmly behind his desk. “I told you I didn’t want to do this!”

“Dray, I want to be here,” Shane said, and I turned around to look at him. He looked pale, and I could see that his hands were fisted at his sides, but there was determination in his blue-gray eyes.

“I don’t want to put you through this,” I told my little brother, the urge to protect him still eating at me. “You don’t have to…”

Shane was already shaking his head. “I think it will be good for both of us, bro. Just give it a chance.”

I frowned at him for a long moment. It went against everything that was inside of me, but I finally sat down beside him. The doctor stood and moved to his chair across from us, his iPad in hand. “I agree with you, Shane. I think this will be a good thing for you both.”

“Emmie thinks so too, or I wouldn’t be here,” Shane assured the man who grinned at the mention of Em.

“Well, I’m sure if she agrees then we can’t go wrong.” He typed something into the iPad and then put it on the table between us. “Let’s start off simply by talking about your mother.”

Even as my whole body tensed, I could sense Shane’s doing the same. “Our mom was one of the best women I have ever known,” Shane began after a static filled minute. “I always like to remember her as the saving grace to everything else that was bad in the world.”

It hurt to hear Shane talking about the woman that had been everything to us both. She had been a great mom, working hard to support my brother and me to make sure that we never wanted for anything. Our dad had been a decent enough guy, when he was around, but once he had gotten married again, and that marriage had produced a few more kids, we might as well not have existed for all the attention he showed us.

“How did your mother die?” Kent asked after Shane had told him all about the wonderful woman that had given us both life.

I watched Shane’s throat work a few times before he whispered out the answer. “She killed herself… It was all my fault.”

I jumped to my feet, already fighting tears but also angry. “What?” I exploded. “How can you say that? It wasn’t your fault, Shane. It was mine.”

My brother scrubbed a hand over his damp eyes and got to his feet to face me. “No. You didn’t do anything wrong. You saved Emmie. You avenged me and yourself. I’m the one who told Mom what Rusty did. I’m the one who stood by and did nothing while she grabbed the cop’s gun and killed him. I didn’t stop her when she turned the gun on herself!”

The tears poured down both our faces now, but I didn’t care. It was tearing me apart inside to hear those words coming from Shane. That he had blamed himself all these years was just wrong on so many levels. “No one knew she was going to do that, Shane. She…She just…” My voice broke when Shane started sobbing. “No, Shane. Please.” I pulled him into my arms, holding onto the man that was still the boy trapped in the past. “I’m sorry, little brother. It was all my fault. If I had just told someone, then none of it would ever have happened.”

“You were just trying to protect me, Dray,” Shane managed through his sobs, “like you always do, and I love you for that.” He pulled back a little to meet my gaze. “You have to stop blaming yourself, brother. Let it all go, man. Let it go.”

July

Lana

My cellphone was buzzing from my back pocket with Jesse’s text tone that I had assigned months ago. It was an annoying sound that I had thought was appropriate because he only ever texted me with annoying news. Still, I loved him and I knew that he loved me, so I fished the cell from my hip pocket and opened the text.

Picking you up @ 6. Be ready.

I frowned. What was he doing in New York? I knew for a fact that Demon’s Wings didn’t have a concert. The band only did small tours, and they didn’t have an East Coast tour scheduled until next spring. My brother-in-law being in New York out of the blue startled me and made me wonder if everything was okay back home.

Is everything ok?
I rushed to ask.

Need to see you. Be ready.

“Fuck,” I muttered, stepping into my apartment building. Normally, I would have greeted the doorman, but I was just too preoccupied to even notice him. The ride up to the twelfth floor felt like it took forever, and by the time I stepped through the door of the three bedroom corner apartment, I was biting my nails to the quick.

I tossed my shoulder bag on the sofa and flopped down, glaring at the TV that was already on some sports show. Looked like Linc was already home from the gym. “Are you in the kitchen?” I called out.

“Yeah. You want something?” my deep voiced roommate called back.

“Got anything harder than beer? I need a drink.” He knew that I was kidding. I had only gotten drunk once since moving to New York. That night had been bad, and I didn’t want to relive it.

“How about a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and some hot fudge?” He appeared at the end of the couch with the ice cream in one hand and the hot fudge in the other. One look at my face and the hulky man dropped down beside me. “What’s up?”

“My brother-in-law is picking me up at six.”

“Jesse Thornton, right?” I nodded. “So what’s the problem?”

“It’s a surprise visit. I don’t know why he’s here, and all he said when I asked was that he needed to see me.” I pushed my hair away from my face. “He never does things like this, and I’m worried something is wrong.”

Linc cracked his neck, making me grimace. It was what he always did when he was thinking. After spending the last seven months under the same roof with him, and my two other roommates, I knew all his little quirks. “I guess you will just have to wait and see,” he finally said.

I glared at him. “Thanks for those words of wisdom, babe.” I rolled my eyes at him and took the ice cream.

He winked as he got to his feet. “Anytime, sweets. Anytime.”

I threw the lid at his retreating back. It bounced off his hard ass and landed on the end of the couch. “Where are Dallas and Harper? I figured they would be back by now.”

“Still shopping.”

I hoped they would be back before Jesse got here. It was already after four, and I needed my two best friends here to diffuse the whole “Linc is living in the apartment” situation. It wasn’t like he didn’t know that I had a male roommate. I had told Layla and Jesse all about him. Fitness model, check. Good friend, check. Gay, double check.

Linc was all of those things. But looking at him, talking to him, you would never guess that he was one of the gayest men on the planet. He was sexy as sin, and I will honestly admit that when the dude walked around in little to nothing—okay, sometimes nothing at all!—I wasn’t shy about looking. Neither were Harper and Dallas.

Still, it was going to be hard to convince Jesse that big, hulking, sin on two legs Linc Spencer was the guy I had told him all about. When I had first met Linc, I hadn’t believed that he was gay either. It had taken him bringing some random guy home from a club one night to make me believe. And only then when they had started making some very X-rated sounds from the bedroom across from the one I shared with Harper.

Yeah, Jesse was going to hit the roof when he showed up to pick me up.

At five, my roommates still weren’t home, and I rushed to get ready. By ten to six, I was ready and waiting, impatient to get this over with. I was almost tempted to ask Linc to hide when Jesse got here but didn’t want to hurt my friend’s feelings. He was a Demon’s Wings fan and would want to meet Jesse.

The door opening startled me, and I looked up to find both Harper and Dallas entering the apartment. Each had their arms loaded with bags, and I figured Dallas was being rebellious again and maxing out her mother’s credit cards. Her hair was pulled back from her face, exposing the dimple in her right cheek. She had been one of Europe’s highest paid models from the age of fifteen until last year when she had turned twenty-one.

That was when her contract had come up for renewal with her agent and she had refused to sign on again. Modeling had never been her thing. In fact, she hated every second of it. Her mother had been the one to force Dallas into it and signed the original contract, making her unable to get out of it until it ran out. When Dallas had refused to continue, her mother had gone ballistic.

Since then, she had made sure that her mother wouldn’t want her to do the model thing. She had tattooed and pierced her body until her mother nearly had a stroke from just looking at her. I applauded Dallas’ rebellion. It was her body, after all.

Of course I had lent my support and went to get a tattoo with her on Valentines’ Day. My first ink had left me with an addiction for it. I was already thinking of what I wanted next, and this time I was going to go all out with a big piece of ink on my back. Compared to Dallas, Harper looked like a librarian in her cashmere skirt and cardigan. Her caramel colored hair was pulled back in a French braid and her glasses hid those lavender eyes of hers. I had met Harper my first day of NYU, and we had become friends fast. When my roommate had gone all psychotic bitch on me the second week of spring term, and I had needed a place to stay, she offered me the twin bed in her room.

“Hey, you should see the car downstairs,” Harper said as she dropped down beside me on the couch. “Stretch limo in front of this building? That just seems too funny.”

I grimaced. “That’s probably Jesse.”

Harper’s eyes grew huge behind her dark frames. “What’s he doing here? Did you know he was coming?”

I shook my head. “Not until about two hours ago.” I stood and smoothed a hand over my sundress, a gift from Dallas the last time her mother had pissed her off and she had gone Fifth Avenue crazy on her mom’s cards.

Just as I slipped on my wedges, the phone rang. Dallas picked it up because she was the closest to it. “Yes?” she asked, her southern accent never failing to make me smile. “Oh. Okay. He can come up.” She replaced the phone and grinned at me. “Rock star in the building!”

Linc came out of his room down the hall. His hair was damp and all he was wearing was a pair of basketball shorts and a smile. My mind went blank for a moment as I drooled over the sight of all those hard angled abs and tight pecks. And then I remembered that Jesse was on his way up in the elevator and Linc was running around half naked.

“Put a shirt on!” I said, pushing him back down the hall to his room. “And some pants. Your free balling and I don’t want my brother-in-law getting hysterical about you walking around with your junk hanging free!”

Linc laughed. “Oh my God, Lana! Relax. I can handle your in-law.”

I pushed him hard. “Go, Linc. Please.” The doorbell rang and I jumped. “Please,” I cried. He didn’t know Jesse like I did. I didn’t want my friend with a broken nose or something bleeding.

Harper was already standing by the door. “Wait!” I called to her, making sure the door to Linc’s room was closed behind him before letting her answering the door. “Okay, go ahead,” I said, smoothing my dress down once again.

Harper giggled and pulled the door open. I wasn’t ready, but then I doubted I ever would be.

When I saw Jesse standing in the door way my heart hurt. I hadn’t seen him since he and Layla had flown out to New York with me in January. He looked good, especially in his suit. Despite the anxiety I felt over his reaction to Linc, I found myself running across the living room and throwing my arms around Jesse.

Strong arms tightened around me as he lifted me off the ground in a bear hug. He laughed and swung me around once before setting me on my feet. “It’s good to see you, Lana.”

I had to blink to keep the tears from falling. “I don’t know why you’re here, but I’m so happy to see you.”

His eyes darkened, changing colors rapidly. “We can talk later.” His raised his eyes to look at Harper and then Dallas. This was the first time he had seen my roommates and best friends. “Hello, ladies,” he greeted with an easy smile.

“Oh shit.” Dallas fanned herself with her hand. “You are hotter in person than I expected.”

I rolled my eyes at her. “Jess, this is Dallas Bradshaw and that’s Harper Jones.” I introduced them. “Guys, you know who he is, so whatever.”

Harper giggled and offered Jesse her hand. “Nice to finally meet you, Jesse.”

“You too, Harper.” He winked at Dallas who was still sitting on the couch. “And you’re the trash mouth I keep hearing in the background when Layla calls.”

Dallas shrugged. “I do what I can.”

Jesse glanced around. “And the other roommate? Linc, right?”

I mentally groaned and prayed that Linc wouldn’t come out. Of course he picked that moment to open his bedroom door. I closed my eyes, waiting for the explosion that was sure to erupt. “Hey, man. I’m Linc.”

Cautiously, I peeked open one eye, glancing at Jesse. His eyes narrowed at the other man, but he wasn’t sprouting curses or swinging fists. I took it as a good sign but didn’t want to push my luck, so I pulled Jesse toward the door. “I assume you are taking me to dinner. I’m starving, let’s go.”

He was quiet all the way down in the elevator, his big hands thrust into the pockets of his suit pants. There was a driver standing by the door to the limo, and I gave him a small smile as he opened it for me. When we were settled inside, the limo pulled out into traffic. “Okay, let’s hear it.”

“That guy is gay?” he exploded. “No way. He can’t be…”

I grinned. “And you would know…how?”

“Don’t get cute with me, Lana. Your sister is going to shit a brick!”

I cocked a brow at him. “Are you sure you’re worried about Layla’s reaction? Or someone else’s?”

“Lana…” He rubbed a hand over his smooth head, telling me that he was frustrated. “Let’s wait and talk when we get to the restaurant. Please?”

“Only if you tell me this doesn’t have something to do with Layla or Lucy? Are they okay?”

“Both are fine. And Layla is here with me. She’s going to join us later.”

Excitement shot through me. I talked to my sister every day, but a phone call didn’t make up for getting to see Layla. My excitement was short lived because I knew that if this wasn’t about either of my sisters, then that only left one other reason for Jesse to be here like this. I turned my head away so he couldn’t see my expression and gazed out the side window as the limo drove through Wednesday evening traffic in New York City.

The restaurant the limo stopped in front of was so popular there was a six month waiting list for reservations. I had only heard about it, and I really hadn’t had any real urge to try the place out. Expensive food only gave me indigestion, especially when I was presented with the bill.

I figured we would have to wait for a table, but I guess Emmie had worked her magic and had gotten Jesse a quiet table in the back. People actually stopped eating as we passed, and I couldn’t help but feel self-conscious. When we reached our table, I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Really? You had to bring me here?”

Jesse grinned. “Yes. I had to bring you here.”

“Why? Couldn’t you have just taken me to McDonald’s and bought me a cheeseburger?” That was more me. This place? Not so much!

The waiter brought wine, which I didn’t want. Jesse ignored his glass in favor of his water. I didn’t bother to glance at the menu. It was probably in French or some other language anyway. Instead, I glared at the man seated across me. “I’m getting impatient, Jesse.”

He blew out a long sigh. “I know. I’m trying to work up to it.” I rolled my eyes and he laughed. “We all miss you, you know. It’s the little things that make me think about you.”

“I miss you too, Jess.”

Jesse tossed his menu aside and reached for my hands. “There’s something I want to talk to you about. I need you to really listen, okay?”

“Okay.”

“There is a new show that’s starting in September. It’s called America’s Rocker.” He rolled his eyes when I laughed. Yeah, okay. “Axton Cage was asked to sit on the panel of judges, but one of the other two judges backed out, and Ax said that he wanted someone from Demon’s Wings or he was backing out too. The network agreed.”

I frowned. “So are you going to be in New York more?” I smiled. “That’s great, Jesse!” I would get to see him and my sisters often.

He was shaking his head. “Nik and I both turned it down, and Emmie was about to tell the network to get lost when Drake agreed to do it.”

I sat up straighter in my chair. “What?”

“Everything is taking place here in New York. Everything. The tryouts, the show, the finale. Drake will be here next week. Emmie has already found him an apartment. Shane is coming out here with him.”