The Rookie (Racing On The Edge #7) (24 page)

It was so vivid and real.

The entire time I was in that shower my skin was all warm and tingly like it was when he touched me. Why wasn’t it like that when Easton touched me? What was the difference?

Mom’s surgery was scheduled for three that afternoon so we took our time getting ready.

When I got done with my shower, Casten was in the kitchen. It’s like none of us but Axel lived at home these days.

“What’s with you?” He was on his second bowl of cereal it appeared.

“Nothing, why?”

“You’re all flushed.”

“No I’m not.”

“Yes, you are.” His smile was huge. If I didn’t know any better, he knew that I’d had a dream. “Why are you all weird acting?”

“I’m not.”

“You’re definitely weird.”

“Shut up.” I punched him in the ear.

Immediately he cursed at me holding the side of his face as he dropped his spoon in the bowl. “The fucking women in this family piss me off.”

“It’s okay, sweetie.” Mom cuddled his head and kissed his forehead. “Mommy’s here.”

Around ten we made our way to the hospital in Charlotte where they admitted mom and got her into a gown. She made me go back there with her. Me. Only me.

First thing out of her mouth when we were alone?

“What’s going on with you and Rager?” She asked as she straightened out her gown. She was swimming in it, oversized and bunched up around her waist.

“What? Why?” I handed her another warm blanket making sure it covered her feet. “I mean, what did Casten tell you?”

“Nothing. I’ve always seen the way Rager looked at you. He’s been in love with you for a long time. Couldn’t even make it through your wedding without throwing up after the ceremony.”

“He was drunk.”

“No,” Mom shook her head, smiling now. “He was physically sick that he did nothing to stop it.”

I was quiet thinking about that night as I sat next to her in the small pre-operation unit of the hospital. I didn’t like hospitals and all of it reminded me of the months we spent in one following dad’s surgery.

“You’ve been flirting with him.”

Okay, she had me there. She did. But I lied and said, “Have not.”

“Arie, I know how you flirt, you are too. And I saw you at the party last night dancing with him.”

Well, shit. There was that, huh?

And then I caved. Maybe it was the day and needing someone to tell this too but I caved and told her what happened.

“Okay, fine. I had a very graphic dream about him last night and it felt real. Part of me, okay…” I paused, finally being honest with myself. “A lot of me wanted it to be real. I was depressed when I woke up and it wasn’t real. I feel like I cheated on Easton.”

“You didn’t. He cheated on you. And it’s part of being human. We make mistakes and we want what we can’t have at times.”

“Do you and dad ever have problems?” My eyes dropped from hers to my screen and the photo on my wallpaper now. It’s the one of my dad on his knees giving his heart to my mom.

“Like that?”

“Yeah. You seem so only for each other. Makes me wonder if you’re even real.”

“I’ve been attracted to other men before.” She admitted. “Just don’t tell your dad that.”

“Who?”

“Personally, I think Rager is hot.” Her damn cheeks even flushed when she spoke. “So I understand your attraction to him.”

“Oh God!”

“Don’t tell your dad. He’d fire the poor kid just off the principal of it. And I’m too old to think like that.” She giggled, covering her mouth with her hands.

“You’re not even fifty yet.”

“Still.” A nurse came, never saying anything but started mom’s IV like they said they would an hour ago.

The conversation surprised me but it was great to talk to her like that. I almost felt like I was getting to know her for the first time as a person, as a friend.

“Do you think dad has ever been attracted to someone else?” Not that I wanted to know who my dad was attracted to, I guess I was just hoping it might make me feel better about the whole Easton thing. Hearing that my parents were normal was reassuring to me.

“Oh, I’m sure he is. He’s a boy. We never talk about it though.”

That I understood. There’s just some things that are better not knowing.

“Have you told Rager about the dream?” She asked when the nurse left.

“Fuck no.” I leaned back in the chair slightly embarrassed when my skin pricked at the thought of telling him all those details. “He’d tease me and then make it worse.”

“I’m sure he would.” Mom knew Rager pretty good. She’s been around him for the last eleven years, nearly every day ten months out of the year. I’d say she knew him well. “What happened in the dream?”

The question honestly surprised me. Was she looking for kinky details for her cougar crush?

It was then I realized this was mom’s way of distracting both of us from the day and the fact that she was having surgery in a few hours.

I told her everything, something I would have never normally done.

“What are you going to do about Easton?”

“I don’t know.” I sighed feeling my heart start to race. It always came back to this. How much more time could I avoid this? “I just needed some time away to think.”

“Do you think he really cheated on you?”

“Honestly?” I raised my eyebrow and she nodded. “No. I think it was a setup.”

“Do you think it’s fair to him that you feel something for Rager, and always have but didn’t tell him?”

“No. It’s not.” She was absolutely right. It wasn’t fair at all. I knew that all along.

“It’s okay to be confused, Arie.” Her hand reached for mine and held it tight on her lap. “It’s normal.”

“I know. But it feels wrong.”

“I know what you mean.”

She did too. She completely understood me right then.

What the fuck was I doing though? I had basically moved in with my parents, I dream cheated, and now it’s just me avoiding life. I was using this with my mom as an excuse to be away when really, I wasn’t away. I was thinking of someone else in illicit ways and this was taking a completely different part of my heart’s desire.

I needed to be there for my mom and not having dreams about Rager and him fucking me so good, I think I was satisfied just off the dream itself. I’m married. I can’t go around having these sort of dreams and thoughts about a man I wasn’t married to. What the hell was wrong with me?

I wanted to switch the focus back to her and noticed she was staring at her cell phone. Apparently dad had been sending her dirty text messages all morning letting her know exactly what he was going to do to her when she was better. Thankfully she didn’t show me the messages. But it was nice to see her smiling. “What did dad say to you this morning after breakfast?”

“He said…I’ll be here. Always. Until this stops beating.” She pressed her hand to her heart remembering his words exactly. “And when that happens, you’ll be here, with me, in my heart until I stop breathing.” She smiled, tears in her eyes. “If you let go…I’ll hold on.”

She was terrified. I saw it right then in the look she gave me. That sense of inner strength she always had was cracking. Right. Before. My. Eyes. I was as scared as she was at that moment, probably more because I’d never seen her like this and it freaked me the fuck out.

She broke right then and started crying and screaming. “I lived a life most can only dream about. I fucking lived. That’s what matters to me.” Her smile through her tears made me relax but still, it wasn’t easy to watch. “I’ve loved one man my entire life, shared with him what I never thought possible, raised three beautiful kids, have precious grandkids who I have to see grow up. I’ve watched so many important people in my life die and I cannot and will not allow my children to suffer by losing me, goddamn it!” She leaned forward, hands fisted, and reached for both my hands, her breath soft against my face as she finally relaxed. “I love you, Arie. I love you for everything you are. Quietly confident, insecure at times in the most sincere ways. Funny, loving, just…everything. You’re an amazing woman and I’m so happy to say you’re my daughter.”

I could barely get the words out over the lump in my throat. “I love you too.”

She had every right to be scared. I saw it in her eyes when it hit. Dad saw it too when he rounded the doorway of the pre-op area. It was when she caught my dad’s stare and the floodgate of emotions that he was holding back, holding back everything because he had to because, for once, he was hell bent on being her rock and her biggest supporter like she’d been for him the past quarter of a century. Yet never forgetting that this had the potential to be the last time they saw each other.

I hated that look I saw. So heavy, so unfamiliar to her carefree features. Like she was memorizing what her family looked like.

They came and told us that she would be heading to surgery in a little while so I left and let my dad go in there after my brothers went in, separately. I don’t know how my brothers handled it but I know when dad came back to the waiting room, the sense of despondency on his face at that moment almost broke me. It was like he’d lost a part of his soul already. I went over and hugged him, it was all I could do in that instant. We were all dealing with this the only way each of us knew how. I needed my family at that moment. Needed them just as I needed my next breath.

We pretty much took over the waiting room after that.

And it was boring. So boring sitting there waiting. All I had were my thoughts. I even texted Lexi to try and get my mind off things but she never replied which meant her and Brody were probably having sex. She texted me once while doing the deed with Brody and I made her promise she never would again.

Dad held things in pretty well. When he was weak, she was strong. When she was weak, he was strong. Until now.

It was clear the gravity of the situation, had sunk in for my dad and what could happen behind those closed doors.

“Dad, are you okay?” He wasn’t, but I had to ask.

“I’ve…” Dad took a shaky breath, his chin shook and then he looked down. “She has to come through this. I could never do it without her.”

As tragic as that statement was, it was true.

Dad’s eyes were so distant they were in another world as he sat beside me. “I can’t do this without her. I’ll never make it. I don’t care what they take from her as long as they give her back to me.”

I knew enough to know how accurate that was.

“The doctors are hopeful everything will be fine. We need to feel the same, Dad.”

It was three hours into the surgery when a doctor came out. Tall with dark hair peeking out slightly from under his scrub cap.

He was hesitant as he spoke to my dad, his eyes never meeting his. “We’ve run into some complications.”

Dad sat up, his attention on the doctor. We all did the same. “What the fuck do you mean complications?”

The doctor stepped back. “She’s fine. It’s just taking a lot longer than we anticipated.”

Dad glared at him, almost offended. “Well say that. Don’t fucking come out here saying there’s complications when it’s just taking longer.”

The doctor stepped back again, clearly offended himself. “You don’t have to swear sir. And please keep your voice down.”

Dad leaned forward, standing, and got in the doctors face. “Fuck. You. Get. Back. In. There. To. My. Wife.”

I grabbed dad’s arm and pulled him down. “I’m sorry. Ignore him.”

And the doctor turned and left. I knew he wouldn’t be coming back in here again to give us an update, compliments of my dad’s behavior.

Surprisingly he sat down. But he didn’t shut up. “These doctors are ridiculous. Who says that shit?”

“I’m sure they’re trained to say that.” I told him, trying to hand him a sandwich that Alley went and bought him. Everyone said he hadn’t eaten all morning. I couldn’t blame him but he gets really mean when he hasn’t had food. Now was a perfect example.

“Well fuck them.” Dad said, rolling his eyes. “They need better training.”

Casten couldn’t stop laughing. I wasn’t impressed by it.