The Saga of the Renunciates (81 page)

Rohana turned white. She said, “Jaelle, don’t say that! Oh, don’t—” and Peter said, “Jaelle, love, listen to me—Lady Rohana, she’s been feeling sick, she’s upset—” clearly she heard, and she knew Rohana heard.
She’s sick and irrational, she’s pregnant and women get a little crazy when they’re pregnant, but I can talk her out of it, just let me handle her
!

Jaelle swung around, with a stableboy’s muttered oath which made Rohana blanch, and stormed out of the office.

She had promised Peter the chance to talk to her about the divorce in private. But he had violated that first; he had brought out their personal business before Montray, even though he had nothing but contempt for the older man; Montray, of all people! She might have been able to forgive him, if he had told some close friend here on the base about their child—men
did
brag of incipient fatherhood, she knew that—but to tell Montray, to put it formally into Personnel Records?
Damned big-mouthed
—she was too angry even to complete the thought. She went into their shared quarters and began slinging clothes into her old saddlebags.

A few things she must settle before she left. She would speak with Cholayna: well, she could do that in the Guild House. She should formally give over her pledged responsibility for Aleki— Ambassador Li had accepted her word and that was a matter of honor. Then she would go home.

She went to the Intercom. She had resented it; now it seemed a wonderful convenience and she wondered suddenly how she would manage without it.

“Communications, please. Bethany, has anyone managed to locate Ambassador Li?”

“He left a message for you, Jaelle You should come and pick it up, if you can.”

She looked at the nearly packed saddlebags. She was tempted to ignore it. They had, she considered, violated the terms of her employment so often, now violating even her privacy by making her pregnancy part of official record, that she felt that she should ignore it in turn.

But she would not stoop to their level. She had accepted personal responsibility for the well-being of this particular dignitary and she could not abandon him now.

She said, “I’ll be right over,” and left the bulging saddlebags in the middle of her bed. If he saw them when he came in, Peter would get the message loud and clear. His cozening had not worked; whatever he might now say or do, her decision was irrevocable.

Bethany, in Communications, gave her a troubled smile.

“Oh, Jaelle! Is that your Amazon—excuse me, Renunciate outfit? Are you going out in the field? Oh. yes, of course, you’re going after with Alessandro Li, aren’t you?”

“What do you mean, Beth?”

“I’ve been trying to find you all day, but you haven’t been in any of the places I expected you. Li left a message here for you early this morning—”

This morning. But she had been with Monty, readying him to leave the city, and then involved in that long and stupid argument with Peter—

“You knew I was up in the Coordinators office,” she remonstrated, and Bethany shook her head.

“Li said
particularly
that this message wasn’t to be given where Montray would hear about it until at least a full 28 hours after he had gone. You know what he thinks of Montray.”

“This message—”

“I don’t understand all of it,” Beth said, “but he gave it to me; he said he didn’t want it in the computer. That’s against regulations, of course, but you know what it’s like, the boss is right even when he’s wrong. He said he had received some information about this man—” she checked a scribbled note on her desk. “Andrew Carr, does that mean anything to you? He was starting out into the Kilghard Hills and would be heading toward Armida, and that you should catch him up on the way. Jaelle, what’s the matter? You look sort of funny—”

Into the Kilghard Hills. Into an unseasonable freak storm, into some of the worst and most confusing terrain on Darkover. And alone
? She asked, already knowing the answer and hoping that she was simply imagining things, “Who went with him, Bethany? He took some local guides and so forth, didn’t he?” No; that had been what she had planned for Monty, that his well-equipped expedition should have the well-trained mountaineering skills of Rafaella and her party. But she could have planned something like that for Li if Peter had not detained her. Li knew that she had those skills and was planning to take her with him as guide and bodyguard; out of Thendara—she need not even return to the Guild House and admit her failure! But all day she had been delayed, first with Monty, then by the idiotic argument with Peter. What did she owe him? Duty came first, the clear and simple fact that she had sworn to be
personally responsible
for Li and his safety. And he had gone off alone, on strange roads with a dreadful storm brewing—at least she would have persuaded him to wait until the storm had passed.

I’ve got to follow him; I’ve got to get away fast
, she thought, thanking Bethany for the message in routine words that would not betray her agitation. He was on Carr’s trail, and Carr had left the Festival Ball shortly before midnight. He might have checked the weather with his starstone and realized that he must get well away to be safe at Armida—or perhaps some intermediate house of safety, Syrtis or Edelweiss—before the storms broke. Li had delayed till dawn—had he somehow heard Lady Rohana’s admission that Carr was married to the Lady Callista? She wondered who the Lady Callista was and why in the world she would have married a Terran.
I can tell you, Lady, you’ll be sorry. I tried it and I thought it would work, too. It won’t
.

So off he had gone, to try to trace down this missing man, find out more about the Comyn, learn what had happened… but he should have waited for her, consulted her.
And I failed him too! Failed in my duty as I have failed at my marriage
!

There was no sense in her first impulse, to rush madly down to the gates after him, try to stop him. He was probably well outside the City. She needed boots and clothing that would protect her in bad weather. Her horse was at the Guild House, and she could get food there too, and her saddlebags were almost packed.

On a sudden impulse, she squeezed Bethany’s hand. She said, “You have been a good friend to me, Bethany. I promise you I will not forget it. I must go, now,” and hurried away, not listening to Bethany’s shocked question about what she meant.

Cholayna had been her friend too. All Terrans were not like Peter or Montray, wholly self-absorbed and involved only with their ambition—

The little apartment in Married Persons Quarters was still empty; good, she could get away without any further confrontation with Peter. She put a final few things into the top of the saddlebags, extra warm socks for riding, one or two small packages of the Terran synthetics which could be eaten quickly and would give fast energy and protein. She looked with a stab of regret at the bed they had shared. She had been so happy, and now—but she was wasting time. She pulled the straps of the saddlebags tight, and saw Peter standing in the doorway, watching her.

“Jaelle! Sweetheart, where are you going? I thought you said we had to talk—”

“It was you who said that,” she replied precisely. “And I found out in Montray’s office that you had already done too much talking, without even the courtesy to speak first to me of it. There is really nothing left to say, Peter. I am sorry; I will readily admit that it is my fault that our marriage failed. But now I must go at once. Don’t worry, I am not abandoning my duty, but fulfilling it.” She started to pick up the saddlebags, but he stepped forward and prevented her, grabbing her arms.

“You must be out of your mind! If you think I’m going to let you go, with a storm coming up, alone, pregnant—no, Jaelle. You’re my wife and it’s my duty to look after you, and damn it, that doesn’t include letting you ride out into the Kilghard Hills. Li can afford to hire all the native guides he could possibly want, but my wife isn’t going to be one of them, and that’s that.”

“I have pointed out to you already,” she said, feeling her lips thinning in what she knew might look like a smile but was a grimace of anger, “that our marriage is at an end. I am not
your wife
—I never was
your wife
in that particular tone of voice, as if I were a toy you owned and could do with what you liked. I do not admit your right to prevent me from doing my duty—or anything else I choose to do. Peter, this is foolishness; I am leaving you now, whatever you do, and please do not make a fool of yourself by giving me orders which you know perfectly well I will not obey.”

He reached out and tried to wrench the saddlebags away from her. “Will you put that thing down? You shouldn’t even be lifting anything that heavy, in your condition. You’re not going anywhere, Jaelle. There’s no sun, but it must be near sunset, and rain, or even snow will be starting soon.”

Yes, and Aleki is alone in it; he may lose his way, or come to grief on the trail. I do not know how well he planned this trip
. “Get out of my way, Peter. I told you, I am going.”

“And I said you’re not,” he retorted at white heat, “You’re my wife and you don’t talk to me that way. Put that thing down, I told you! Now, sit down, and let’s have a drink and discuss this sensibly. You talk about how sensible the Renunciates are, but you are behaving like a hysterical pregnant girl, ready to rush off into a storm without even stopping to think! Does that sound like a sensible thing to do, Jaelle?”

He went to the refreshment console and dialled her a hot drink, one he knew she liked. The rich smell, something like
jaco
without the bitterness, stole into the room.

“Sit down, drink your chocolate, Jaelle. Try to see this reasonably.”

“You mean, see it your way?” She accepted the chocolate; she would need her strength with a long ride before her. “Peter, can’t we discuss the formalities of divorce just as well when I come back? By that time you will have calmed down, and you will see that this is reasonable. If our child should be a boy— though Rohana says it is a daughter—I will give it to you to foster; then you will have the son you want. I think that is all you ever wanted from me anyhow—”

She detected a glimmer in his mind of logical resentment; women were damned unreasonable creatures, yet a man was at their mercy if he wanted children, and how else could they have any immortality? It almost made her pity him.

“Don’t be silly, Jaelle. I’m not going to let you divorce me, not with a baby coming. I owe it to my child at least, to protect and look after his mother, even if we’re not getting along too well.”

“And you think that I am going to sit here in the HQ and never stir myself out of doors, just because you would rather have me under your thumb? No, Peter.” She set down the plastic cup so forcefully that it fell over and a little trickle of brown liquid ran across the surface of the table. “I will meet with you when I come back—in the Stranger’s Room in the Guild House—and we will talk about our child, if you must. But not now; and you are delaying me; I want to be on the road before dark.” She leaned to pick up her saddlebags. She had to step around him. “I’m sorry. Peter. I wish it could have been different. I—” she started to say
I loved you
, but she was no longer sure of that. She sighed and hoisted the saddlebags to her shoulder.

“No, damn it! Jaelle, you’re crazy! Can’t you even see how crazy this is?” He grabbed at the saddlebags and dumped them heavily on the floor. His face was flushed with anger.

“Peter, get out of the way, I do not want to hurt you!”

“I tell you, you’re not going
anywhere
, not in this weather, not alone, not pregnant!” His lips thinned with wrath. “If I have to, I’ll call down to the gates and have Spaceforce stop you, and you’ll end up in Medic under protective restraint; I’ll tell them you’re pregnant and have gone crazy, and they’ll lock you up until you behave!”

And he could do it; that was the terror of it, she saw herself in restraints or again drugged out of her senses, he needed only claim that she was out of her mind, meaning that she did not do everything he wanted her, as her husband, to do. She could probably prove herself sane; she was not, as a Terran wife, his property even as she would have been had she married a Darkovan. She could call Cholayna to witness that she was perfectly in her right senses, and explain her sense of obligation. But that would take time, she would have to locate Cholayna, and meanwhile she would be drugged and up in the hospital!

“And to think I believed you loved me!”

“I do love you,” he retorted, “but does that mean I have to put up with every crazy idea you get into your head?”

“Peter—ah, Gods, can’t you understand a sense of honor, of obligation? Can you think of no one but yourself?”

“And who the hell are
you
thinking of? Certainly not me, or your baby. If you want to convince me you’re in your right mind, put down those damned saddlebags, and try making some sense,” he demanded.

“Our marriage—it is my fault it failed,” she said quietly. “I think you really wanted to marry
di catenas
, and though you knew my oath prevented it, you thought perhaps if you loved me enough I would change.”

You and that damned Oath
. For a moment she thought he had said it aloud. There was no talking to him in this mood. What could she do to prevent him carrying out his threat? He was wide open to her; she could feel his rage, his frustration, even grief for the love that had gone awry. Yet it would do no good to walk past him, even to fight her way out of the room, if the moment she was outside he used the intercom and persuaded the Spaceforce guards at the gate that his insane pregnant wife had some lunatic purpose in going out into the coming storm, and should be forcibly prevented for her own good.
My wife. She’s pregnant, she’s crazy, I have to keep her locked up for her own good
… when had those same thoughts battered her before this?
A picture of Jalak, of her mother monstrously swollen in pregnancy… no; surely she could not remember her mother, could not remember Jalak, she had been only a child then, without laran
…
or had it only been too painful to remember
?

“What you really want,” she flung at him, in confusion and agony so great she hardly knew what she said, “is to put me in chains… so that I will do nothing you do not want…”

“Ah, God, Jaelle, I don’t want to hurt you, but you’re not even listening to me,” he flung at her, “and if I have to get Medic to put you in restraints I will—” and she saw in his mind a picture of herself… the picture in his mind was only of a quieter Jaelle, perhaps tranquilized, perhaps tied to a bed, but in her mind she saw herself chained,
a picture in her father’s mind, the young Jaelle, budding breasts, old enough to be chained like a woman, copper links binding her hands, when she was wounded in the Pass of Scaravel Magda had tied her hands so she would not tear the bandages from her wounds, she had never remembered that till this moment, she heard herself screaming and Magda had quickly untied her. All that night Magda sat by me and held my hands because of my fear of being chained
…

“Don’t touch me,” she spat out at him, retreating backward, “if you dare—”

He grabbed her hands—and Jaelle exploded, fighting on pure instinct. Camilla had trained her both in armed and unarmed combat, how to react if any man laid a hand on her unwilling; she had forgotten that this was Peter, she had forgotten everything; she fought as she would have fought the men who would come to chain her on the morning of the day after she had become a woman. She felt the edges of her hands, soft now because she had done so little fighting in the last years, strike something soft, she felt Peter’s fear, agony striking through him…

And silence. Silence… she looked down at Peter. He was lying on the floor, and his
laran
was silent, nowhere, nowhere… she could not feel his presence in the room.

She knew now what she had barricaded from her mind for all these many years; she had begun to have
laran
, begun to reach out with her mind, and then, on that dreadful night when her mother bore her brother Valentine in the desert, surrounded by the Amazons, she had tried to block it out… too much, too much pain and terror…

Her mother’s arms around her, her mother’s pain filling her to the brim, stifling her. She could not breathe. Jaelle, Jaelle, it was worth it, it was worth it all, you are free, free… oh Jaelle, come here and kiss me… and a flood of pain and weakness and then nothing. Nothing. Nothing, her mother was nowhere in the world, was a lifeless body sprawled bloodless on the sand, blood staining the sand as the rising sun stained the rocks red with blood…