The Secret (20 page)

He knows
.
Everyone knows
.

“Jack!” I gasp, completely shocked
as I ignore the voices still coming at me.

“I’m sorry, Sophie, but i
t’s the truth!” he says, throwing his hands up in exasperation. “You were pregnant. We were kids, Baby. I had to take care of you and I didn’t know what the fuck to do! I didn’t know what was going to happen. All I knew was we were eighteen years old and we didn’t have shit! How the hell else were we supposed to take care of a baby? I had no idea you were going to lose…”

“Shut up!” I shout
as loudly as I can manage, my voice strangling on the sobs lodged in my chest, still reeling that he’s just told everyone. “Jack, you
promised!
You swore you’d never tell!”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t hold this inside my chest anymore, Sophie! Do you have any idea how bad that fucked my head
up? The guilt I will always have knowing you were here and I couldn’t get to you?”

“How would I know that? You never told me! You were so busy blaming me for everything,” I start and he immediately shakes his head
but I can’t stop. The dam on my emotions has been cracking for far too long for me to hold it in any longer. “Yes you did! You blamed me! Why wasn’t I more careful? Why didn’t I go to the doctor sooner? You can deny it all you want Jack, but you blamed me!”

“
I never blamed you,” he argues, the anguish in his eyes undeniable. “And you’re the one who wanted to keep it a secret, Sophie!”

“
Her
!
Her
Jack! Our
daughter
!” I rail, tears streaming furiously. “And I had to keep her a secret because I had
no one
!”

“You had Ana!”

“Do you really think I could look Ana in the eye and tell her that it was my fault that you left? And then after losing our baby how was I supposed to tell everyone to know that I let you down? You’re off fighting a fucking war and I can’t even keep our baby alive? It was bad enough being the poor, pitiful girl who was left behind,” I admit, angrily swiping the tears away. “I couldn’t handle the questions I knew would come. I didn’t want the rest of the world looking at me the way I was terrified you would when you came back!”

“
Sophie…”

“
I’d already failed you, I failed our baby… I’ve had that guilt in the pit of my stomach for years,” I admit, my chest heaving with the sobs I’ve never set free. “Then, when we all thought you died? How could I look at your sister and tell her it was my fault you even left in the first place?” I glance over at Ana whose eyes are filling with tears, pulling more from me in the process. “How could I ever tell her it was my fault you were gone? That you were killed and she was never going to see you again because of me?”

“It wasn’t your fault,
Soph,” he says, shock covering his face as everything I’ve kept locked away is finally set free.

“Yes it was! It was my fault that you left. It was my fault she didn’t live…”

“No,” he tries, but I can’t stop.

“The doct
or told me, Jack! It was my fault! The entire fucking thing, you leaving, the baby, you not coming home, it was me, Jack!” I blurt out, tears streaming. “Until I met Chase, JT and your sister were the only things that hadn’t been ripped away from me. All I had left was the secret you swore you’d never tell and now I don’t even have that.”

“
I’m sorry, Baby! I didn’t know what to do! I had to make a decision and you just shut down! What was I supposed to do?”

“Stay!” I scream back at him. “You were supposed you to stay w
ith me, Jack! You were supposed to care about the fact that I was terrified, too! I begged you not to fucking leave me! I begged and I begged and you left me anyway,” I sob. “It didn’t matter what I said, you just left me here, Jack!”

“I was trying to do what I thought was best for us, Sophie!” he yells back. “I was trying
to take care of you and our child! One of us had to worry about it!”

Before I can think clearly,
the fury consumes me and I’m lunging across at him. As my open hand makes contact with Jack’s face, I feel Chase’s arms around me.

“How dare you!” I’m screaming at him, tears streaming down my face as he looks at me in shock while Chase struggles to hold me still. “You have no idea what I went through, Jack! You ha
ve no clue what losing her has done to me! Even when you came back, I was alone with it! You wouldn’t even talk about her!” I sob, no longer able to fight Chase’s grip, pulling away once he releases me. “I needed you! I needed someone to talk to and you wouldn’t even talk about her.”

“Sophie, I couldn’t,” he admit
s, his voice cracking as tears fill his eyes. “God, Sophie, I’m so fucking sorry, but I just couldn’t do it, Baby. It hurt too much.”

“Jack, I needed you,” I manage as I grip my stomach,
sobbing openly. “I needed you to let me cry. I needed you to tell me it would be okay, that you forgave me.”

“Sophie,” he says quietly, staring at me with eyes full of remorse
as he places his hands on the sides of my face. “It wasn’t your fault. I know I wasn’t here, but it wasn’t because I didn’t want to be. There’s nowhere else I wanted to be. It kills me that you had to do that alone and I’m
so
sorry. I will never be able to tell you how much I regret that, but you have to know that I never blamed you. I swear it, Baby.”

“I’m sorry, Jack,” I manage as he pulls me to his chest and begins to stroke my hair gently. I’m
gripping his shirt, sobbing so hard into his chest, I can’t breathe. “I loved her so much. I didn’t mean to lose her. I know I said I didn’t want a baby, but I was just scared. I never would have… I never wanted…”

“
Shh, I know, Babe. It’s okay. It’s not your fault,” he whispers into my hair, gripping me tightly to his chest. “It just wasn’t the right time, Soph.”

Standing in the middle of the front yard, I cry in Jack’s arms. The pent up tears from everything we’ve been through run freely as I cry.

I cry for our baby.

I c
ry for my broken heart.

I cry for his.

I cry for us.

And
finally… I let go.

Chase

Once everything has calmed down at Lucy’
s, Sophie quietly makes her way to where I’m waiting silently on the porch and asks me to take her home. She says goodbye to JT, avoiding everyone else as much as she can before climbing into my truck.

After that, she fall
s silent.

“Sophie,” I say softly
after nearly a half hour on the road, reaching across the cab of my truck for her. “Come here.”

“No,” she whispers. “I can’t, Chase. It hurts too much.”

Knowing she’s emotional from everything that’s happened, I simply nod and allow her the space. With the exception of her being in the hospital, I’m not sure I’ve ever been so worried in my life. I can’t imagine what she’s gone through. I can’t even fathom the pain she’s feeling right now, reliving something so devastating.

She’s silent most of the way back to Rockport, her knees tucked up against her chest as she hides her face from the world. It kills me to see her this way, but I know her well enough to know that sometimes she just needs to be silent.

As we round the final corner that takes us home a few hours later, Sophie’s soft, raspy voice breaks the silence.

“Chase?”

“What Baby?” I’m surprised to see her wince, but quickly kick myself when I realize my usual endearment may have hit her the wrong way. I’m about to apologize, but her quiet voice interrupts me.

“Is it okay if
I sleep in JT’s room tonight?” she asks, surprising me. Not once since we’d gotten back together had we slept separately by choice.

“If that’s what you need to do, of course.”

“Thank you,” she whispers, her voice thick and cracking with emotion.

Pulling in
to the garage, I walk around to her side to open her door when I see her staring out directly in front of her silently.

“Come on,” I say quietly. “Let’s go inside.”

I reach for her arm and she pulls away from me, confusing me more. As she climbs out of the truck, she’s seemingly careful not to touch me or meet my eyes. She walks in silently, making her way directly to JT’s bedroom and sniffling quietly to herself. As she reaches his door, she pauses and turns toward me, still avoiding my gaze.

“Thank you for letting me stay tonight,” she whispers. “I’ll have my things out in the morning.”

Standing in shock, I watch her as she starts trembling again and slowly turns towards JT’s door.

“Wait, what?” I blurt out.

“I’m sorry I can’t be out sooner,” she says in a soft, broken voice. “I can stay at Heather’s tonight if you want.”

“What are you talking about?” I ask, making my way to her as I touch the bottom of her chin. Her wince sends chills through me. “Please talk to me, Sophie.”

“Don’t,” she says, tears falling from her gorgeous green eyes. “Please don’t touch me, Chase. It already hurts badly enough. I won’t be able to handle… If you touch me it’s just going to make things worse.”

“Sophie?” I whisper, my voice breaking. “Look at me, Sweetheart.”

Reluctantly, she brings her tortured gaze to mine.

“Chase,” she says as a sob rocks through her. “I can’t do this. Please don’t make me do this. Please just let me go.”

“Why are you leaving?”

“Isn’t that what you want?” she asks, confused.

“What the hell would make you think that?” I ask, shocked at her assumption. Unable to keep my hands from her now, I grip her arms and watch her start to cry harder. Bending to face her, I find her eyes and stare into her. “Sophie, please talk to me.”

“After everything that happened today,
” she manages, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. “Why would you want me to stay, Chase?”

“I know you didn’t mean to kiss him,” I admit, assuming this is what she’s referring to.

“I know,” she admits tearfully. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Well, what is it then?”

“Chase, I may not be able to…” she starts sobbing hard. “I don’t know if I can…  I can’t give you babies. I shouldn’t have kept it from you. I should have told you months ago, but I was scared you were going to leave me once you knew,” she finally says, her voice cracking with the sob that leaves her as she grips her stomach as her cries become harder on her. “I’m broken, Chase. Why would you still want me?”

Pulling her to my chest, she grips my shirt and lets out a loud, guttural cry that tears me apart.

“Sophie,” I say softly into her hair. “Look at me,” I say gently, raising her chin to find her heartbroken eyes. “I love you so much, Sweetheart.”

“
Oh my God, please just do it. If you really love me, don’t drag it out, Chase. Please just get it over with,” she begs, her words tortured. “I can’t give you what you want. I understand…”

“Sophie,” I whisper. “I
just want
you
. There’s nothing I want more.” She starts to argue with me, but I place my finger over her lips to stop her, holding her green globes. “Nothing, Sophie. There’s not a single thing I want more than you. Not even babies.”

As the gravity of my words hits her, Sophie’s head falls gently against my chest and her petite frame begins to rack violently. Her arms wrap around my waist tightly, her hands gripping into my shirt as she falls apart in my embrace.

“I’m so sorry, Chase,” she manages, but the cries move through her with such force they make her breathless.

“
Shh,” I whisper. “Come here, Baby.”

Lifting her into my arms, I walk her over to the couch and sit down as she rests her head against my shoulder. Her grip remains tight as wave after wave of emotions run through her. Slowly rocking her, I run circles over her lower back just beneath the fabric of her cotton shirt and I don’t let go.

I’ll never let her go.

Jack

I take a long pull from my beer as I watch the only girl I’ve ever loved pull out of the driveway a second time. As I turn everything around in my mind, I can’t stop the long sigh that leaves me.

I’ve always kno
wn I’d messed up when Sophie lost the baby. I’ve felt horrible about it for years and that guilt will never leave me, but I had no idea how badly my silence had affected her. I’d thought I was doing the right thing by not bringing it up. I didn’t want that grief to overtake Sophie the way it had felt like it was doing to me. I only ever wanted her to be happy, to take all the bad from her life and erase it from her soul.

I’
d never realized the same silence I thought was helping her was only hurting her worse.

Killing the beer I’m holding and exchanging it for another, I try in vain to push the painful past behind me. As the cold beer washes over my tongue, I squeeze my eyes shut only t
o be met with memories I’d rather forget.

I never will though. N
ot ever.

“Hello?” she says quietly into the phone after the third ring.

“Hey, Beautiful,” I say, smiling to myself at the sound of her voice. “How’s my girl?”

“
Hi, Baby,” she whispers, sounding sad and hesitant, completely unlike herself. “I was actually just about to call you.”

“Are you okay?” I ask, her words
instantly alarming me. Between the time difference and my recent schedule, she rarely calls the cell I’d gotten.

“Jack,” she starts as her voice breaks and she starts to cry softly into the phone.

“Baby, what’s wrong?”

“I’m so sorry, Jack,” she says, crying harder.

“Sophie,” I start quietly in an attempt to maintain the illusion of privacy if only for myself. “Baby, you gotta talk to me, you’re freaking me out. What happened?”

“We lost her, Baby
,” she manages finally, causing my heart to stop beating.

Although I know what she means immediately, I’m desperate for her to mean anything else.

“Sophie…” I start, but her tearstained voice cuts me off.

“
She’s gone, Jack,” she sobs into the phone.

“Are you sure?” I ask as panic fills my chest, my voice cracking. “Maybe it’
s a mistake, Baby. Maybe…”

“I went to the doctor,” she admits
, gasping through her tears. “I didn’t feel right last night so I went this afternoon and he said… Jack, the doctor said she didn’t have a heartbeat…”

For a moment, time stops. I feel as though I’m drowning, struggling to breathe through the overwhelming grief I feel immediately.
As the world comes crashing back, I can’t hide the quiet sob that leaves me. Sophie’s still crying her heart out and making me hate everything about my surroundings.

She needs me with her and I can’t get to her.
Sophie’s alone right now in our bed, completely heartbroken, and there isn’t a fucking thing I can do about it.

I shouldn’t be here. I should be with her. I need to be with her
.

B
ut I can’t.

“What happened?” I ask her, struggling to gain control of my voice. No matter how bad I’m feeling I have to remain strong for her. “Sophie, what happened?”

“I don’t know,” she admits, still sobbing. “I just didn’t feel right last night and I…”

“What do you mean?
Did something happen?”

“
No, I just felt off. I went to bed and tried to rest, hoping that would help, but...”

“Why didn’t you go to the hospital, Baby?”
I ask through silent tears, my heartbreak consuming me.

“I didn’t think…” she says, crying harder again. “Jack,
if I had thought… I didn’t know. I’m sorry, Baby. I’m so sorry…”

“Lucy’s
gonna shit if she sees you out here with that beer,” Ana says quietly, breaking me from my thoughts.

Forcing a small smirk, I nod silently and turn my attention to the bottle I’m holding. Knowing her recent struggle with sobriety, I’d waited until she and JT went to sleep to have Matt bring them over. Now that they were fast asleep though, I needed to drown the past.

“You okay?” Ana asks as she takes the seat next to me, angling her body to give me her attention.

“Yeah,” I lie, clearing my throat in an attempt to make it sound more convincing, still knowing she’ll see right through it.

We sit in silence on our parents’ porch for a long while, simply letting our thoughts take hold. I’m slipping back into the past when she takes my hand in hers.

“Jack,” she whispers, pulling my attention back. “If you want to be alone for a while, I understand,” she starts. “I just came out here to say something and if you need some privacy, it’s yours. Is that okay?”

“Of course,” I say, squeezing her hand in mine.

I watch her as she looks down at our joined hands and searches for the words she needs. When she looks back up at me, I’m surprised to see her eyes full of tears.

“I’m not sure why y’all didn’t feel like you could come to me,” she starts. “If it was something I did, I’m sorry…”

“Ana, it wasn’t…
” I cut her off, refusing to let her take any blame for anything.

“Let me finish,” she says, waiting for me to nod. “I don’t know why you didn’t talk to me then, but I want you to know that I’m here for you now. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling, but if you tell me how to help you, I’ll do anything for you. So,” she continues, releasing a long sigh. “
Tell me what you need, Jack. If you want to talk, I’m here to listen. If you want to be left alone, just say the word and I’ll leave.”

Holding her eyes, I’m grateful for my sister in ways I’ll never be able to even comprehend.

“Thanks,” I say softly. “You don’t have to leave.”

Giving me a small nod, she pulls her feet up under her and leans back against the seat beside mine keeping hold of my hand.

“You wanna talk about it?” she offers.

Normally, I wouldn’t say a word. If almost anyone else asked this, if I hadn’t just watched Sophie drive away with another man, if I’d not been holding onto this for so long, I’d shut it down, but it’s not someone else. It’s my sister.

Shrugging, I shake my head and sniff back the hurt, hating that it just keeps coming.

“Not really sure what to say, Ana,” I admit, meeting her eyes. “I just… I just don’t understand how I can love someone so much
, how I can know that every single thing I did was a product of that love and it’s still turning into a disaster, you know?”

I watch her nod her head though my blurry, tear filled gaze.

“What happened, Jack?”

“With the baby you mean?” I ask and am answered with another subtle nod. Leaning back into the seat, I release her hand and reach for another beer and rub my eyes clear. “Right after Sophie moved in, I came home from work one day and she was in our room,” I start, taking a long pull from the beer.
“She was sitting on the bed crying and I asked her what was wrong. She told me she was late,” I admit, my voice breaking. “We decided she needed to get a test and she didn’t want to tell anyone for sure until we knew, but I already knew. She’d never been late before and we’d slipped up a few times,” I confess. “The next day when you went to work, she took the test and once we found out, she made an appointment. Once the doctor confirmed it, we wanted to tell you, but Sophie was scared.”

“Why?”

“She’d been asking me to reconsider enlisting for a while,” I admit. “I’d decided I was going to stay here in Camden, but once we found out she was pregnant, I didn’t really see any other option. When I told her that, she was scared you’d blame her for me leaving.”

“I never would have…” she starts, but I cut her off.

“I know,” I tell her, squeezing her hand. “I think she did, too, but she was terrified, Ana. When I told her I was enlisting, she was so upset. I didn’t want to make it any harder on her, so I just agreed to not tell anyone until she was ready.”

Taking another long pull from my beer, I finish it off and reach for the next one, readying myself for the next part.

“For a while, nobody knew. Then about a week before I was supposed to leave for boot camp, Sophie got a phone call from Grace. When I got home, she was in hysterics,” I tell her. “She’d told me was that she’d forgotten to update her forms at the doctor’s office and they’d called her old number, Grace’s, to confirm her obstetrician’s appointment.”

“Oh no,” Ana says, slowly closing her eyes because she knows whatever is coming next can’t be good.

“Apparently, she’d filled Sophie’s head with all her normal shit. Told her she wasn’t fit to be a mother, called our baby a bastard,
threatened to turn me in for having sex with Sophie before she’d turned eighteen even though I hadn’t,” I say, shaking my head in anger. “I wanted to drive over there so bad, but Sophie wouldn’t let me. She said she didn’t want to spend the last few days we had together dealing with Grace so I didn’t go… I should have gone over there and cut that woman out of our lives that day.”

Ana remains quiet, listening intently as I tell her the thoughts I’ve kept hidden away for years, but never forgotten. I never realized how badly I needed to talk through it with someone, but now that I’ve started, it’s like the pressure valve I’ve had in my chest is slowly deflating.

The hurt is still there, it won’t ever leave, but for the first time in years as I allow the weight in my heart to fully expand, I let myself feel it. I’d spent so many years shutting my emotions off to be strong for Sophie, for Ana, that I hadn’t realized until I feel the tears running down my face how badly my heart was really broken.

“We went to the doctor again after boot camp while I was home on leave and everything seemed to be fine,” I continue. “The baby’s heartbeat
was strong, Sophie was healthy. I thought everything was going to be just fine. Since Sophie was so highly stressed over me being gone and her mom acting the way she was, they told her to take some extra precautions, rest more. When the doctor told her that, she thought we should wait until she made it through her first trimester. I just wanted to make her happy, so I agreed.”

I lose myself in the memory of that night for another moment, rubbing my hand over my eyes again before I stare out into the night before us.

“I’d only been back at the base for a little while when it happened,” I say, my voice cracking. “I try to live my life in a way that when it’s time for me to go, I have as little regret as possible. I don’t want to be one of those guys on his death bed wishing he’d done everything differently,” I say, watching her nod in understanding. “That night though, when Sophie told me she’d lost our baby? Ana, I’ve never felt so much regret. I regretted enlisting. I regretted getting on that plane and leaving. I regretted not telling anyone because I knew she never would and she’d be alone with it. The second she told me, it felt like my world had shattered. I won’t ever forgive myself for not being able to get to her. I will live with that regret in the pit of my stomach until I take my final breath.”

“
Jack,” she offers in a soft voice, sniffing away her tears as she squeezes my hand. “There’s no way you could have known.”

“It doesn’t matter,
Ana. Knowing you’re helpless to something doesn’t make you want it any less,” I say as I release a deep sigh. “When I came home again, we talked about it some, but not much. Sophie cried and cried her eyes out that first day. At that point, I’d never seen her cry so hard,” I admit. “I held her, told her to get it all out, let go of the pain if she could. The next day, I asked if she was okay and she said she was. Stupidly, I believed her.”

“That’s not stupid.”

“Yeah it was. I’d been miles away when it happened. She’d gone through all of this pretty much on her own while I had the constant distraction of training, work… Even with all that, though, I wasn’t okay. How the hell could she be?” I scoff, shaking my head with anger at myself. “I felt so horrible about everything. I knew we needed to talk, but it was just so hard. I figured if Sophie was healing, I needed to just keep it to myself. Not say anything so that I didn’t make it worse on her, you know? I know now how stupid it was, but if I’d ever thought I’d been hurting her more, Ana, I never…”

“I know,” she says, encircling me with her arms and pulling me close.
“You just did what you thought needed to be done. There’s no fault in that, Jack.”

“There has to be, Ana. Otherwise, how
, after everything, did I
still
lose her? How did I make it through all of this, living in caves, surviving a war, surviving all of it and she still got into his truck and drove away like none of it meant anything?”

Looking into my sisters grey eyes, I see the love and sadness she’s feeling for me, but that’s not all I see. In her eyes, I also see her disbelief.

“Jack, I don’t necessarily agree with a lot of things Sophie’s been doing lately,” she starts quietly. “But I saw what happened to her when we thought you weren’t coming home. If you take nothing from this whole fucked up experience, you need to take one thing with you.”