The Secret (7 page)

Sophie

The second Jack ends the call, I’m a mess.

I’d not been able to keep it together very well on the phone with him, but thank God he didn’t have to hear the sobs
that are racking through me now.

I don’t regret my decision to stay with Chase
. I’d meant everything I’d told them both. I would never stop loving Jack, but the love I’d developed for Chase was completely unlike anything I’d ever experienced. Unlike anything I’d even known I was capable of. That being said, I love Jack enough that I know that conversation is one of the hardest things I’ll ever go through in my life.

As I lay across
the couch beneath me, I let the sadness completely consume me. The sobs that rack through me are uncontrollable. I’m not sure how long I’ve been here when Chase comes in. I’ve been crying so hard and so loudly, I didn’t even hear him.

“Baby?” he says softly
as he crouches beside me, moving his hand through my hair in gentle strokes. “What’s wrong, my Sweetheart?”

“Nothing,” I lie, struggling to find the strength to stop my crying with no success. I’ve unleashed the dam in my emotions and I know there’s no stopping it now. “I’m okay.”

“Sophie,” he says with his voice full of doubt. “You’re crying your heart out, Baby. I know you’re not okay. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I’m fine,” I lie again, biting my lip in an attempt to stop.

I hate lying to him, but I can’t talk to him about this, I know that much. He’s already feeling so insecure about our relationship since Jack returned. Talking to him about this would only increase his worry tenfold.

“
Come here, Baby,” he says, lying on the couch and pulling me onto his chest. When he presses his perfect lips to my hair, I wail even harder. “Please tell me what happened, Sophie,” he quietly begs, his voice thick with emotion.

“I can’t,” I finally manage, the anger staining my voice in no way directed towards him.

“Sophie,” he whispers, obviously surprised by my words. “You can tell me anything.”

“
No, I can’t,” I argue. “Not this.”

“Babe,” he says, lifting my chin to face me. “There’s nothing you can’t talk to me about.
Nothing
. Do you hear me?” When I nod weakly, he kisses me on the temple and lets out a sigh. “Talk to me, Princess. Why are you crying?”

“
I just talked to Jack,” I admit, hating the hurt I feel rolling off of him. The guilt I’m feeling for hurting the two people I love more than anything in the world is crushing my soul. After a moment, I lift my head to face his tortured gaze. “Chase… Chase, I don’t know if I can stay here with you.”

“Sophie,” he whispers, t
he pain in his voice, his expression undeniable. “What are you saying? Did you change your mind about us?”

“No,” I say immediately
, watching him release a sigh of relief.

“Then
I don’t get it,” he starts, confusion marring his perfect features. “What do you mean you don’t know if you can stay here with me?”

“
I think I need to go to Camden for a little while,” I manage. “I can stay with my aunt.”

“Why?”

“Because my head is a mess right now,” I admit, sitting up and watching him rise to sit beside me. “I can’t keep putting you through this, but I have to work this all out, Chase.”

“Baby, I don’t understand,” he shakes his h
ead. “Are you having doubts?”

“No,” I say as I squeeze his hand tightly.

“Then what is there to work out?”

“Baby,
my head is fucked!” I say, honestly surprised he doesn’t understand. “Since Jack came back, I’ve felt like a prisoner in my own mind. I can’t talk to you about any of this.”

“Why can’t you talk to me, Sophie?” he says, looking hurt.

“Because I can’t, Chase!” I say, the irritation of my reality hitting me. “I can’t talk to anyone! I can’t talk to you about Jack. I can’t talk to Jack about you. I can’t talk to Ana about either of you. I’m just sitting here, stuck in my head and the same shit keeps coming back over and over again and I can’t make it stop!” I grip the sides of my head in frustration. “I’ve spent the past few days trapped in my mind, desperately trying to make sense of something, anything. Do you want to know what I’ve been feeling?”

“What?” he asks quietly.

“Angry,” I admit, shaking my head. “I’m so pissed off, Chase. I’m pissed that my dad died. I’m pissed that my mom is crazy and that Lucy can’t get her shit together for JT. I’m pissed that Jack went into the Army. I’m pissed because I thought he was dead for almost two fucking years,” I rant before facing him, my voice softening as the tears keep rolling down my cheeks. “I’m absolutely livid that I finally moved on with this beautiful, perfect man and now again, everything feels as though it’s a breath away from being ripped away from me. I’m pissed that no matter what I do, someone I love will be in pain, that this is my life and I have
no one
to talk to about it. I’m completely
alone
. I have all these amazing people who love me, but I’m still alone and it pisses me off. It’s not fair, Chase,” I say, unable to stop my tears as he pulls me against his chest.

“Hush, Baby,” he says gently, kissing the top of my hair. “Sophie, you’re never alone.
I understand why you feel the way you’re feeling,” he admits. “But you’re not alone. I’ve got you. You can always talk to me about anything.”

“How Chase?” I say pulling away from him and swiping my tears away angrily. “How can I tell you that I still love
Jack so much it hurts? How can I tell you that I just had to call and break his heart and it’s killing me because I never thought that was something I’d ever,
ever
do? That I’d rather die than inflict that pain on someone I still feel so much for? How can I look you in the eyes and tell you that I’ll never be able to fully let him go because I know exactly what I’m walking away from and it’s everything I wanted since I was sixteen? That breaking the man I prayed for, cried every single day over for nearly two years makes me feel like I’m shitting all over everything he ever did for me? Like I’m telling him that it means nothing to me when it means
everything
? How do I look at you, knowing how much it will hurt you, and admit that?”

Leaning his head against the couch and running his fingers across my cheeks, drying my tears, he kisses me gently on the forehead.

“You just did and I’m still here, Sophie,” he says softly. “It may not always be exactly what I want to hear, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t need to be said. Sometimes you might say things that make me feel like shit,” he admits. “But I’ve got you, Baby and I’m not ever going to leave you, okay?” I nod slowly, still wiping my tears. “Are you sure you really want to marry me, Sophie?”

“Yes, I’m sure,
” I tell him, hating the doubt in his eyes. “Do you still want to marry me?”

“More than anything,” he says, holding my shaky hand in his. “But only if it’s what’s going to make you happy, Sophie. I won’t be your second best.”

“You’re not,” I swear, shaking my head immediately and holding his eyes. “God, Chase, you’re not even close.”

“
Sophie, you just said…”

“I know what I said,” I cut him off, not willing to let him h
old the doubt any longer. “I meant what I said about Jack, but you?” I start, the emotion strangling my voice as I struggle for the words to tell him what he means, words that don’t even exist. “What I feel for you? I can’t even… It completely consumes my soul,” I confess, shaking my head in wonder at the man in front of me, tears falling shamelessly. “God, Chase, I’m so in love with you, it doesn’t even make sense. You could
never
be my second best. You’re my only.”

“O
nly,” he whispers, kissing my temple and holding me to his chest for a long moment before pulling away and lifting my chin to face him. “It’s you and me then, Baby. No matter what, it’s you and me, okay?”

“You and me,” I nod, wiping my tears with the back of my hand. “I love you.”

“I love you, Baby.”  

Chase

After our talk that day, Sophie was still emotionally bruised from everything that she’d been through. Shit, I can’t really see how she couldn’t be.

I’d managed to talk her into staying in Rockport, promising I’d give her the space she needed while still be
ing there if she needed me. The first few days were rough, I won’t lie. It was almost as if that day on the couch, something in her beautiful mind snapped and I wasn’t sure I’d ever get her back fully.

She spent a lot of time on the couch or in our bedroom, just stari
ng out in front of her silently. Finally on Thursday night, she walked into the living room where I was pretending to watch TV.

“Hey, Baby,” I’d said, surpr
ised to see her out of the room at all, let alone snuggling up close to my side.

“Hey,” she’d whispered, pulling my arm around her as she wrapped herself around me and rested her head on my chest.

“You okay?”

“Getting there,” she’d said, letting out a low sigh. “I’m sick of missing you.”

The rest of the night, we stayed just like that in front of a game neither of us had any interest in. When she let out a long yawn, I lifted her into my arms and took her to bed and she never let go.

The next morning, s
he told me she’d decided to wait until after we got back from Houston to look for another job. Although I knew it would drive her crazy not to work, I couldn’t be happier with the decision. Even though she’d claimed it was her mother’s impending visit and Christmas that had helped her come to the decision, it was obvious my girl was still struggling to face everything that had been thrown her way. A few more weeks off, in my opinion, were exactly what she needed.

One thing that
had
changed was Jack. While Sophie had been sure to make it clear that nothing about our relationship had changed, she’d spoken to him every day since I’d gone back to work.

She’d never hidden anything from me. In fact, she even told me about how awkward it was talking to him the first time after their talk. She
always made sure to tell me when they’d spoken, I suspect her way of maintaining full disclosure, which I had to appreciate. However, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bug the shit out of me that she was spending so much time talking to her ex.

I’ve been trying to be understanding and patient about all of it, but when I walk in from work and hear her on the phone
after the day I’ve had, I’m less than thrilled.

“
That sounds like fun,” she’s saying into the receiver as I walk in through the garage door, setting down my bag and jacket. She’s still talking into the phone when she rounds the corner and gives me a small smile. “I’ll see what’s going on and let you know if we can stick around for a few days.”

I wash my hands at the kitchen sink as I try not
to eavesdrop on her goodbye, my jealousy flaring when she tells him she loves him before hanging up. Drying my hands off, I turn to find her standing behind me with an open beer in her hand.

“Sorry, I was talking to Jack and I lost track of time,” she says apologetically, reaching up to give me a chaste kiss. “
How was your day, Lovebug?”

“Thanks,” I say, taking the beer from her hand and
letting out an exhausted sigh. “My day was… long. How was yours?”

“It was okay. I didn’t really do anything, as you can see,” she says, gesturing around to the sink that’s h
olding a few dishes and the magazines she left out on the coffee table. “Sorry.”

“Baby, I don’t care if you clean,” I tell her honestly, taking a long pull off my beer. “I appreciate it, but I never expect it.”

“Thank you,” she says, wrapping her arms around my waist and hugging me closely. “It’s the least I can do, though. It’s not like I’m doing anything else. I’ll get started in a second. What’s going on at work?”

“I think we’re going to have to go to Houston sooner than we’d plann
ed,” I explain as I absentmindedly play with the strands of hair that brush her lower back. “We’re shorthanded and it’s going to take a little longer than we’d expected. The company we put the bid in with has a deadline and another company is gunning for the contract so we’re trying to keep the account and it’s just a pain in the ass.”

“How soon do you think you’ll have to go?”

“I don’t know,” I say, rubbing my hand over my face. She takes the empty bottle from my hand and replaces it with another from the fridge before returning to her spot against my chest. “We may have to leave on the twenty-ninth to get a head start. Drake’s supposed to let me know tonight after he makes some calls.”

“Oh no,” she says, looking up at me. “We won’t get to spend New Year’s together!”

“I thought you were coming with me?”

“Well, I was, but don’t you think I’ll be in the way if you’re starting out behind schedule?”