The Secret Catamite Bk 1, The Book of Daniel (32 page)

"Peter, are you telling me that
you're a queer?" he said in as sympathetic a tone as he could
manage.

"Yes, I had to tell someone, and
you're the one. I've liked you that way for ages. I see you when
we're in the showers and it makes me … well, you know. Please don't
be angry. I would hate that." He withdrew his hand.

"I'm not angry, Peter. Just
surprised. I had no idea you were like that, or that you felt that
way about me." At least that part was true.

"I know you're not one, Simon,
but can we still be friends? Please? I haven't spoilt it have I?
It's just I had to say. It's been burning me up for ages."

Poor kid, thought Simon. Would I
be in that hidden anguish were it not for Daniel?

"Of course we're still friends.
Just like we always have been. I'm not going to drop you because of
that. You're still the Peter I've known for years." He reached out
and patted Peter's shoulder.

Peter's face was one of sheer
relief and pleasure. "Thank you Simon. I knew in my heart that
you'd be OK. I couldn’t keep it bottled up any longer. I've been
wanting to tell you for ages."

"Honestly, Peter, it's fine,"
said Simon. He looked at Peter anew, and briefly wondered what sex
with him would be like. But no, put that out of your mind. "Why
were you so worried about Daniel?"

"Daniel Gray! Are you joking?
You know him. A homo is the last thing he is. He's good at sports,
music, dead brainy and all that, like you. I can see why you're
friends. But please don't tell. You promised."

"OK, I promised. I'll keep my
promise. But he's a very kind person, and he would not condemn you.
He's not a bigot like so many of them here."

"Bigot?" muttered Peter. "Oh
yes, bigot. I know what you mean. So we're friends still?"

"Of course, Peter. We always
have been, always will be. Don't worry, your secret's safe."

"I know you're friends with
Gray, so maybe I shouldn't say this," said Peter.

"What?" said Simon, suddenly
anxious.

"Well, as I seem to be telling
you everything, it's just about Daniel Gray."

Simon's head was spinning. Was
there something about Daniel that despite their closeness, he
didn't know? Hideous doubt crept into Simon's mind.

"What, Peter?" he said, his
impatience showing.

"Well, some of the boys say he's
…" Peter's voice tailed off.

What was he going to say? That
they thought Daniel was queer, a homo? He felt panic. Had they been
found out?

"Peter, what is it?" he
demanded.

"Well, they say he's a bit too
big for his boots, big headed sometimes. But they might not say
that to you coz you're his friend."

Relief surged through Simon. "Is
that all, Peter?" he said, relaxing. "I wondered what the hell you
were going to say. Like he was a murderer or something."

"Did you know?"

"Don't worry, Peter. I can see
how he comes across that way, and yes, he is a little bit
sometimes. I tell him off for it."

"So you don't mind me telling
you?"

"Of course not."

"And you really won't tell him
what I've just told you? About me, I mean."

"No, Peter, I won't. I promised,
didn't I?"

Simon kept his promise. He and
Peter talked more about it, Peter happy to have someone he could
trust and be open with. Simon knew how that felt and was happy for
Peter, and knowing how Peter felt about him, being attracted to
him, made him feel flattered. Daniel was never told, even though
Simon knew he could be trusted. He had promised Peter.

As the nights drew in and
it got cooler, the pressure of school work mounted and the scout
hikes stopped. Scout activities became more indoor oriented,
concentrating on badge work for Simon, as well as helping his
patrol with their mainstream work, another new tenderfoot and the
second class course for most. Gareth was a good Second and almost
had his First Class. Definitely a future Patrol Leader. Daniel had
his eye on him for promotion. Scout nights often ended with games
such as British Bulldog or Hot Rice, and then perhaps camp fire
songs such as
Coming Round the
Mountain
and
Quartermaster's
Stores
and of course the Scout 'anthem' Ralph
Reader's
Riding Along on the Crest of a
Wave
.

"We're riding along on the
crest of a wave, and the sun is in the sky.

All of our eyes on the distant
horizon,

Look out for passers by.

We'll do the hailing,

When all the ships are round us
sailing,

We're riding along on the crest
of a wave,

And the world is ours!"

One evening Daniel said,
"Who knows
Fire Down
Below
?"

Simon looked across at Daniel,
startled. Daniel refused to make eye contact but was aware of
Simon, a slight smile playing round his lips. Simon knew he was
being privately teased, in public! About half the boys put up their
hands.

"We did that one at school,"
said one and others nodded.

"Right," said Daniel. "I'll
start, you all join in and the ones that don't know it, join in the
chorus."

Daniel launched into the sea
shanty, with the boys joining in. Their raucous singing of that
song took Simon by surprise and for a moment he didn't sing. Then
Daniel caught his eye, smiled through his singing and gave him a
wink. Simon grinned back and joined in as loudly as any other.

When the shanty ended, Daniel
held up his hand, and the troop fell silent. Daniel gestured they
get up, and the scouts got to their feet, all eyes on their Troop
Leader.

"Troop! 'Shun!" commanded
Daniel.

Thirty-seven boys came to
attention and waited. All that could be heard was the breathing
after the singing and quick standing and coming to attention. Simon
knew that this was a way Daniel had of allowing the boys'
exuberance to ebb, to calm the troop down before the prayers that
would close the meeting.

"Simon, tell Skip we're ready,"
ordered Daniel.

Obediently Simon stepped out
from his Patrol's line and up the steps to Skip's little
office.

"Troop! At ease!" Daniel barked.
The scouts placed their feet apart and their hands behind their
backs, right hand in left, thumbs crossed as Daniel had taught
them.

Skip came out of the office just
as Simon appeared through the glass.

"Thank you, Simon," said Skip,
and followed him down the steps. When Skip entered the circle of
boys next to Daniel, the Troop Leader again brought the troop
smartly to attention.

"Troop! 'Shun!" commanded
Daniel. Turning to Skip and saluting, "Troop ready, Skip."

"Thank you Daniel," said
Skip.

"Troop, stand at ease. Stand
easy," said Skip. The scouts stood relaxed as the notices and
reminders were given out and with the prayers, another scout night
was ended.

1. 1960/10
   Separation
   

Simon woke up. Something was
wrong. He switched on his bedside lamp and looked at his watch, it
was just after midnight. Then he heard what had woken him It was
Mum in the bedroom next door, arguing with Dad. With mounting
horror, he realised what was going on.

"No, Harry, not now. I don't
want it."

Then Dad's voice, but lower, the
words indistinct. But Simon could hear the bed creaking.

"Get off me, you brute!" shouted
Mum. But the steady hammering of the bed could still be heard.
Simon's heart was pounding, he felt sick, frightened, angry,
powerless. He lay there, listening to his father forcing himself on
his mother in the next bedroom.

"Oh God!" he heard Mum cry. But
his mother's protests went unheeded and Simon was overwhelmed with
helplessness because he could not, dare not, intervene. He wanted
to cover his ears but yet was compelled to listen, to share Mum's
suffering. At last the hideous creaking stopped. There was silence,
broken only by the sound of Mum crying through the wall. Simon
turned out his light and lay in bed, weeping through that October
night.

In the morning, Dad was not at
breakfast.

"Where's Dad?" asked
Frances.

"He's left already, early this
morning," said Mum, subdued. Simon looked at Frances. Had she slept
through it? In which case, how did he tell her? She seemed not to
notice Mum's quiet manner that morning. Outwardly, all seemed
relatively normal, but Simon knew the truth. Alone with Mum for a
moment, he asked, "Mum?"

"Yes, Simon."

"Are you all right?"

"Yes of course, darling," Mum
replied, forcing a smile. Simon knew then that she would not
confide in her fourteen year old son. How could he say it? What
could he say? And what difference would it make if he did? Simon
saw that revealing his knowledge would only upset her further. Mum
was trying to protect him.

He put on his green blazer and
his coat. It was cool outside, but not cold.

"See you tonight, Mum."

"Yes love, have a good day."

"I love you, Mum."

"And I love you too, Simon.
Never doubt that," Mum said giving him a hug. Simon, now taller
than Mum, hugged her back. He turned and went out before the tears
he felt would show.

He waited at the corner. Daniel
appeared, carrying his heavy satchel. This was his GCE year and he
seemed to have more books than ever.

"Hi Simon," he said.

On seeing Daniel, Simon could
contain himself no longer. On the corner he burst out in tears,
sobbing, unable to speak.

"What's the matter? What's
wrong? They been arguing again?"

"Worse, far worse," sobbed
Simon. "I can't go to school today, I just can't."

"You'll get detention or even
worse if you don't," said Daniel.

"I don't fucking care," snapped
Simon, angrily. Seeing Daniel's hurt expression, "I'm sorry,
Daniel. It's not your fault. Can I tell you about it?"

"You can tell me anything, you
know that," said Daniel gently. Simon knew he could. But not here,
on the corner. Daniel continued, "Get through the day, we'll talk
tonight. We have to get the bus now."

Simon knew the sense of what
Daniel said, with the wisdom of his sixteen years. Comforted by
Daniel's support, he walked down with him and got the bus to
school. How Simon got through that day, he could never remember. It
was a blur. Peter knew there was something wrong, but Simon could
not tell Peter. Not even Peter who had trusted him with his darkest
secret.

At home time, Simon was walking
down the school drive to the gates past the field. Peter was with
him, but in response to Simon's downcast mood, uncharacteristically
quiet.

Then Daniel was beside them.
"Sorry, Peter. I'm taking him now." Without waiting for Peter's
reply, Daniel took Simon's arm and steered him away. "Come on, I'm
with you now," he said to Simon, ignoring Peter's puzzled look.

They spoke little on the bus,
and walking up the hill, Daniel said, "Come straight to mine. We
can talk there."

Simon nodded. Daniel let himself
in, and Simon followed. They hung up their coats. The house was
quiet.

"Must check the Aga," said
Daniel. Simon waited. Daniel led the way to his room. He hung up
his blazer, Simon put his over Daniel's chair and stood, feeling
helpless, not knowing where to begin

Daniel sat on the bed. "Come on,
sit with me."

Simon sat next to Daniel. "I
don't know how to say it."

"Just say what's wrong. What
happened? Something last night? You seemed OK when you left
here."

Simon nodded.

"So? Something about your Mum
and Dad? You can tell me, but only if you want to."

"I want to, it's just I don't
know how to."

"Simon, we've known other each
practically all our lives. We've no secrets, none at all. We trust
each other, don't we." A statement, not a question.

Simon nodded again and slowly
the painful events of the previous night came out. Daniel listened,
stony faced, horrified by what he heard. Simon's anguish and fear
manifested as he collapsed in sobs at the end, relief at having
someone in whom to confide. His true friend, Daniel. In tears
himself now, Daniel took Simon into his arms and rested his head on
his shoulder and just held him tight, allowing the tears to flow.
Daniel was outraged, and felt the same protective care he had
always felt for Simon, his closest friend, his lover. But he knew
he could not change what had happened and was angry at his own
impotence in this matter. But the important thing now was
Simon.

"I'm so sorry, Simon. What can I
say? What can I do?"

"Just be there. Please?"

"Always. You know that."

"Sex with a woman isn't supposed
to be like that, is it, Daniel?"

"Well,
I
don't think so. I'm sorry, Simon, I know it's
your parents, but it sounds wrong to me."

"Me too," said Simon, sadly.
"It's not like that with us, is it?"

"Of course not," replied Daniel.
A ghastly thought came into Daniel's mind. "Simon, tell me
honestly. You've never done anything with me you didn't want to,
have you? I mean, tell me now if you've ever felt forced at
all."

"No, Daniel. Never. You would
never do that anyway. You're just not like that."

"Thanks, Simon. I couldn’t bear
it if I thought I'd done that."

"I never want to do that!" said
Simon with feeling.

"Do what?"

"Do that, to a girl. It's
horrible."

"Like that, yes," said Daniel,
all concern. "But it doesn’t have to be like that. I do it to you,
after all."

"Yes, but that's different.
That's you, and you're …. I love it when you’re in me, you're just
special, that's all." Simon felt the emotion of his feelings for
Daniel welling up inside him. Daniel saw this and his own emotions,
his love for Simon, seeing his lover's distress, overtook him and
he shed a tear.