The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from the Impostor Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It (30 page)

Rita’s words forever changed how I viewed the consequences of playing small. My gut response was, “Oh my goodness, how selfish am I? People are waiting for me! I have to hurry!” It was as if someone had
flipped a switch inside me. This recognition that my procrastination had consequences for people other than myself became a powerful motivating force.

I’ve since learned that advocating on someone else’s behalf or otherwise serving others is a highly effective way to get women to take action. In an earlier chapter you learned that women who negotiate for more money are perceived to be less nice and more demanding than women who don’t ask. I waited until now to tell you the good news. What this study also revealed is that when male and female executives negotiated compensation for themselves, they achieved similar results. But when they bargained
on behalf of someone else
, the women outperformed the men.

The researchers speculate that when acting as an advocate for someone else, women felt more freedom to negotiate assertively, with less fear of being judged unfeminine. Plus, just as men tend to shine in competitive environments, women become energized by cooperative ones, and how better to cooperate than to represent another person’s interests?
⁴

You already know that you tend to be other-oriented; we talked about it at length in
chapter 8
. So what if instead of worrying about being unfeminine, you rode the horse in the direction the horse is going? In this case that means that if you want to improve your own outcome, see if you can find a way to link your results to those of others—whether an individual, a group, a community, a country, or humanity as a whole.

This strategy can also improve your chances of achieving a long-held dream. Over the years, I’ve had countless opportunities to use Rita’s advice to help women who find it difficult to let their light shine. One of these was a gifted but unpublished writer named Kim. She had spent years lovingly caring for an ailing parent. After her father passed she began to craft a play about her experience. Kim got only so far before she was stopped by the fear that her play might actually become a hit. Then, she said, “I’d have to play big.”

I invited her to imagine a sold-out theater full of people … to feel the excitement in the crowd, to know that among them were many women who had been through similar experiences with their own parents, women who were especially eager for their own joy and pain to be honored by the words she’d scripted … to watch as the lights dimmed and the curtain rose to reveal an empty stage … and then to hear herself, the almost-playwright, step out from the wings and announce to her almost-admirers,
I’m sorry, there will be no play tonight. I was too afraid of being great to write it
.

Can playing big be scary? You bet. It’s even harder if you’ve spent your life putting others’ needs before your own. Even when you do manage to convince yourself that you are worthy, to suddenly move your own dream to the front burner can feel selfish. All the more reason you need to see that
everyone loses when you play small
. As Audre Lorde said, “When I care to be powerful—to use my strengths in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.”

Instead of the proverbial question “What would you do if money were no object?” try asking, “What sort of difference could I make if fear were not a factor?” There are people out there right this very minute who want and deserve to benefit from your full range of knowledge, abilities, and skills. Widen the lens even further and you’ll see that in a world where poverty and illiteracy disproportionately affect women and children, the world needs all hands on deck. Yours included.

You don’t need to run out and end world hunger, secure world peace, or save an endangered species. But you can help raise or mentor the next generation of strong girls and sensitive boys. You can raise your hand in a meeting. You can raise your hand for a project, a promotion, a raise. You can throw your hat into the ring or throw caution to the wind. And if someone is making you feel less capable than you really are, you can raise heck—and plenty of it.

Whatever you do, you owe it to yourself—and to all of us—to start acting as powerful as you really are. If you’re ready to use all of the newfound confidence you’ve acquired here, if you’re ready to liberate yourself from the fear of your own greatness, then let’s get on with it.

One thing that keeps people stuck in the impostor syndrome is the belief that they are not entitled to feel, think, or act in certain ways. Below is a list of twenty rights that we’re all perfectly entitled to but sometimes act as if we are not. Check off any and all rights that, up until now, you’ve had trouble always granting yourself. As you read through the list, try to avoid intellectualizing. Instead focus on how you typically respond when your impostor feelings get triggered.

Next, identify the situation that is most likely to trigger impostor feelings in you. For example, is it whenever you are in a situation where you …

Now put a star next to the right that is at the core of the impostor scenario you just identified above. In other words, which right are you most denying yourself in that situation? As important, what would you do
differently if you really believed you were entitled to this right? If you’re not sure, don’t worry because you’re about to find out.

In
chapter 4
you gained insight into unconscious ways you’ve attempted to evade detection as an impostor. This is also where you identified the negative internal lie you’ve been telling yourself about yourself known as your “crusher.” That was essentially your “before” picture.

Now that you know so much more about the perfectly good reasons you might feel like a fraud, about how society contributes to women seeing themselves as less competent than they really are, about risk taking and the importance of not waiting until you feel confident to demonstrate a bit of chutzpah, you have everything you need to decide who you want to be from this day on.

The “after” picture you create here will be in direct contrast to the “before” snapshot you took in
chapter 4
. You learned then that the old way of being has become second nature. That’s why you need to conjure up a new, self-affirming picture, one that you can have cued up and ready to run the moment your old impostor feelings kick in.

As you prepare to create this new you, remember that acting confident when you feel quite the opposite requires a bit of, well, acting. After all, you’re asking yourself to think thoughts you’ve never thought, feel unfamiliar feelings, and behave in ways that feel quite foreign. Up until now you’ve typecast yourself as someone who is less competent and capable than you really are. When actors attempt to escape typecasting, they choose roles that are opposite ones they’re known for. For you to break out of behavior that is so habitual will require you to dig deep and act against type too.

First you want to get clear about how you would typically respond in this situation. To do this we’ll draw again on the work of Gerald Weinstein in
Education of the Self
. To better understand your impostor pattern, complete the following sentences:

Now I want you to think how you would like this new, confident non-impostor to behave in the same situation by answering these questions:

How about feeling powerful, clearheaded, confident, excited, secure, proud, optimistic, eager, curious, capable, or entitled? What about telling yourself things like: “I know I can do this.” “I know this stuff.” “I love a good challenge.” “I’ll get better as I get more experience.” “It’s good enough.” “Win or lose, I’ll still learn something.”

As for your new behaviors, what if you could relax and enjoy the moment? Ask lots of questions so you learn more? Trust that the words will come? Be less concerned with what others think? Wing it a little? Take time to acknowledge and celebrate when you accomplish something?

Before this new way of being can become as automatic and natural as your old self, you need to set a positive foundation that packs enough emotional power to override the negative belief that lies at the heart of your
old pattern. This new foundation comes in the form of a one-line declaration that is in direct opposition to your crusher. Unlike that old negative belief, this new “directional statement,” as it’s called, sets the course for the new positive direction in which you are moving. What about:

As you create your own directional statement, there are a few things to keep in mind. First, ideally it will be brief and punchy. That way you’ll remember it more easily. Also—and this is important—make sure you phrase it as a positive. So instead of writing,
I’m not as dumb as I think I am
, write,
I am intelligent and capable
. Also, eliminate any hidden qualifiers like
I’m competent—as long as people don’t look too closely
or
I measure up to myself—but so what?

Finally, it’s important not to set yourself up to fail with a demand for perfection or grandiose visions. So no unattainable statements like
I am capable of doing everything brilliantly and with ease
or
I am the greatest attorney who ever lived
. Not only are such expectations unrealistic and unnecessary for success, but in the long run imposing these kind of demands on yourself will only rekindle dormant impostor feelings.

With these guidelines in mind, write your new non-impostor directional statement here.

Before moving on, it’s important to do a quick test to make sure your new self-confident persona is strong enough to oppose your crusher. You’ll know you’re on target if: