The Secret wish List (18 page)

‘Have it slowly. There are many varieties in wine. Some are sweet, some dry, some full-bodied. I did a wine appreciation course once,’ she says.

We settle down on the bed with our glasses and lean against the propped-up pillows. This is something I haven’t ever done—relaxing with a good friend like this. It feels wonderful.

Tanu brings me up to speed about her life. She tells me about the MBA she did in Australia. About her four failed relationships. About how she lost her virginity. She talks about sex, about being single and how she buried herself in her career to get over the pain of breaking up with a guy who, each time, she thought was ‘the one’. She talks about how, now, her career is top priority for her.

I tell her about my married life. About Sandeep and his idiosyncrasies and how stifled I have been feeling in my marriage lately. I tell her about my secret wish list which I made with Vibha, and she makes me promise that I will show it to her. I also tell her about my salsa class and my ‘date’ with Gaurav.

I want to ask her about Ankit, but somehow I don’t, as in this moment, my closeness to her overshadows all other feelings, including my curiosity about Ankit. There is time for that later, I decide in my mind and right now all that matters is that I am here with Tanu, after eighteen long years and that we are still as close as ever. It feels incredible and I feel so fortunate for a friendship like this. My mind is full of all that she has told me about her life and all that I have shared with her. Our lives couldn’t have been more starkly different.

It is only when the light outside changes to orange that I realise it is evening and the entire afternoon has passed. The colours of the sunset are beautiful. I feel light-headed because of the wine and a bit unsteady on my feet.

‘Oh, Tanu. This has been truly amazing. Look at the sunset. It feels as though someone has emptied a can of paint all over the sky,’ I say, gazing at it from the french windows which provide a marvellous view.

Tanu nods happily from the bed.

‘Hey, I have to get back and I feel slightly dizzy now,’ I say as I reach for my handbag and wear my sandals.

‘I’ll call a car. I am entitled to a car and a driver here. One of the few perks of slogging my butt off,’ she replies.

It is only then that I look at my phone and see two missed calls from Sandeep and a text which says,
‘Where are you? Why are you taking so long? Abhay is hungry.’

I panic seeing the text. I know Sandeep is irked. I feel like a teen who has overshot the curfew time set by the parent.

‘Oh no. I didn’t hear the phone, Tanu. It was in my bag. And now Sandeep is upset,’ I say.

She grabs my phone from my hand and reads the text.

‘Come on! It is not every day that you meet your best friend after eighteen years. And you have been here just three hours, Diksha. So what if Abhay is hungry? Can’t Sandeep make a sandwich for him? Is he that helpless? Isn’t he a full-grown adult?’

‘Look, you really don’t know him. He can be nasty.’

‘Hey, let me do one thing. I am coming home with you, right now. Let me see how nasty he can be,’ she says.

I giggle. I find it funny that I, a full grown woman, am taking my best friend home to avoid getting a ‘scolding’ from my husband.

I want to protest and tell her that I will manage just fine, but the wine is making me really light-headed and unsteady on my feet. I am happy to go along with whatever she wants to do. I am in no state to take a rick by myself, in any case.

She brushes her hair, touches up her lip gloss and calls for the car.

Then we head towards my home.

Eighteen

S
ANDEEP IS OUTSIDE THE HOUSE PACING UP AND
down, when Tanu and I arrive in the hired hotel car. One look at him and I know he is murderously angry. The wine has really gone to my head now and I try hard to suppress my giggles. I find his angry, balding face apt to be caricatured.

He looks puzzled when the car stops and Tanu emerges. I continue sitting in the car.

‘Hi, I am Tanu, Diksha’s friend,’ says Tanu as she extends her hand. Tanu is sober and can obviously hold her drink, unlike me, the novice.

Sandeep’s jaw almost drops to the floor. He is clearly flabbergasted by how gorgeous she is.

‘Uh—oh. I am Sandeep, her husband,’ he says and his astonished look sends me into a fresh paroxysm of giggles that I quickly suppress.

‘Where is Diksha?’ asks Sandeep.

Both of them look towards the car and I realise they cannot see me because of the tinted windows. I am forced to open the door and climb out.

‘Here I am. Ta-da,’ I say and chuckle.

Tanu smiles and Sandeep cannot, for the life of him, figure out what has come over me.

‘We just had some wine to drink and Diksha isn’t used to it. She will be fine, won’t you, babes?’ asks Tanu as she takes my arm and we march inside, leaving a gaping Sandeep behind to follow suit.

Sandeep scuttles around asking Tanu if she is comfortable and if he can fetch her something to drink. I am seeing this avatar of my husband—the cordial host—for the first time and I am stunned at how he is meting out the royal treatment to Tanu. I have never seen him behave like this.

‘Yes please, what do you have? I wouldn’t mind another glass of wine, really,’ she says with a straight face and watches Sandeep squirm in embarrassment.

‘Uh, sorry. I don’t have wine,’ he says.

‘Oh, then it’s fine. Whatever you have, really. Vodka, whiskey, anything is okay,’ she says and winks at me.

Sandeep doesn’t know what to say.

‘Sorry, I don’t drink. We do not have hard drinks in the house, actually,’ he fumbles.

‘Oh is it? Such a shame,’ she says, narrowing her eyes and looking flirtatiously at him, as though making a pass.

He is clearly very uncomfortable. She is thoroughly enjoying herself and I am too.

He begins to perspire now and takes out his handkerchief to dab his forehead. He looks totally lost.

‘Hey, relax. I was just kidding. I have to leave now, in any case. I just came to drop off Diksha. Bye, babes, and we will catch up soon? I need you to help me choose all my furniture. I will call and pick you up, okay?’ she says and with that she is gone.

Sandeep stares after her as though she is an apparition. He does not know what has just happened. He looks dazed.

Then he catches me looking at him and quickly composes himself.

‘What the hell, Diksha? Are you drunk?’ he says

‘Just a little wine, darling,’ I say and laugh uncontrollably. I have never used words like ‘darling’ with him before. I cannot stop myself.

Sandeep is too taken aback to react. That amuses me no end. It is the first time in all the years of marriage that I have seen him like this.

‘You look like a goldfish, opening and closing your mouth like that. It doesn’t suit you, you know,’ I say.

Then I feel something rising in my mouth. I run to the loo downstairs and throw up violently. I shudder at the bitter taste. I rise, rinse my mouth and gargle, but the horrid taste still lingers.

‘See, this is what happens when you indulge in such nonsense. Drinking is nothing to be proud of,’ says Sandeep angrily.

I have nothing to say. I wash my face and plonk myself on the sofa.

‘What? It is your own stupid fault. Who told you to drink? You think it is so very cool, don’t you?’ he follows me and continues watching me.

It is not because I think it is cool, it is only because I have never done it and I want to know what it feels like. It is because I became a mother at an age most people go out pubbing and drinking and I had to change diapers and sing lullabies. I had a drink with a friend. Is that so wrong? Is it such a crime?

‘And let me tell you, all this drinking and everything, it leads to no good. And by the way, what are we having for dinner tonight?’ He continues in a smug superior, preachy tone.

‘Shut the fuck up. Is dinner all you can think of?’
I want to scream. I can always blame it on the wine later, I think. But somehow I don’t.

Sometimes in a marriage, it is easier to just buy peace and pay the price of swallowing your ego and keeping quiet.

The next day, long after Sandeep leaves for work, I get a text from Gaurav:

‘Want to join me for lunch? I will pick you up and drop you back.’
It reads.

I am too overwhelmed by my little drinking adventure and don’t feel like seeing him today.

‘Not today. Can I take a rain check?’
I text back.

‘Anytime! Whenever you feel like, just text. See you in class on Friday.’
His text comes promptly making me smile.

‘Do you always chase all your women students like this?’
I text back smiling.

‘Only the married ones☺
!!!’ His reply makes me smile even wider.

I call up Vibha and update her on all the happenings and the adventures that I have had since we last spoke. Vibha chuckles to hear how astonished Sandeep was to see Tanu, and to hear about his behaviour around her, and how she was teasing him. I tell her that I had my first glass of wine and got drunk.

‘Oh my God, Diksha! You managed to tick off one more item on your wish list!’ she says.

‘What?’ I ask puzzled, as I try to remember what it could possibly be. Then it strikes me that one of the things that I had written (of course, purely on a whim) was ‘getting drunk’, and I had managed to do that last evening.

‘Oh yes, I had almost forgotten. How did you remember?’ I smile.

‘How can you forget your wish list?! I remember everything you wrote. I had told you I will push you to achieve it. And I will do just that. You wait and see. And by the way, what is Ankit doing? Where is he based now? Did you both talk about him?’

‘You know, Vibha, I am going to call Tanu right now and ask her. We talked about everything under the sun and somehow we did not speak about Ankit at all. I just have to know now. I can’t wait any longer,’ I say.

I call Tanu and she says she will forward me a few mails that she and Ankit exchanged. She adds that she had meant to do it much earlier, but wanted to meet me first before forwarding anything.

‘Why? Why did you want to meet me first?’ I ask.

‘Somehow, that seemed the right thing to do. Read the mails and you will understand why,’ she says.

I rush to the computer and wait impatiently for Tanu’s mail.

I keep hitting the refresh button and finally, on the third try, there it is. The string of messages that Tanu has exchanged with Ankit. My heart beats increase rapidly and I scroll down to the bottom of the messages and begin to read.

From: Ankit Uttam ([email protected])

To: Tanushree Dev (tanud@bibcom)

Subject: Reaching out

Hi there,

Is this the same Tanushree, better known as Tanu, who once wrote a rather bold note in a senior’s book? ☺

Of course, the details of your batch year seem to match, and, as far as I can remember, there was just one Tanu in the whole school.

But, in case I have made a mistake, please ignore this mail. I have been trying hard to get in touch with someone who was in school with me, and when Blast from the Past threw up your contact, it was hard to pass up.☺

Ankit

From: Tanushree Dev (tanud@bibcom)

To: Ankit Uttam ([email protected])

Subject: Reaching out

Ankit!!

You devil!

Yes, it is me.

It is Diksha you are trying so desperately to get in touch with, isn’t it? Say!

Where are you based now? What do you do? Give me ALL details please. Where did you go after school?

I did my graduation from Delhi and then my MBA from Australia. I am based in Gurgaon right now with an international bank, but will be moving soon to Bangalore.

Your phone number(s) please!

Tanu

From: Ankit Uttam ([email protected])

To: Tanushree Dev (tanud@bibcom)

Subject: Reaching out

Tanu!

Hey!

I knew it was you. I was 99.9% sure. But left that .01% to chance and hence wrote a ‘disclaimer’ line.

Yes, I have been trying hard to locate Diksha all these years. There seems to be no trace of her or Rohan (not that he will want to speak to me). I did get in touch with a few of my batch mates but they had no idea either.

I truly cannot get over what happened to her and how she was pulled out of school. I felt guilty for years. I guess I still do.

And even you stopped talking to me after that incident. And then I finished my twelfth, and we were scattered all over.

My parents sent me to Canada for an engineering degree.

Got into Wharton for my MBA. Did a dual-degree programme there (and so I have an MA in International Studies as well). Joined my dad’s business. But got bored.

Diversified and started my own chain of resorts, which I now manage and head and, at the risk of sounding boastful, I must tell you, we have branches all over the world now. ☺

If you, by any chance, are in touch with Diksha, do pass me her contact details.

Ankit

From: Tanushree Dev (tanud@bibcom)

To: Ankit Uttam ([email protected])