The Secret wish List (22 page)

I say nothing.

‘You will answer me when I talk to you, you stupid bitch!’ he says as he walks towards me and jabs his fingers into my upper arm. His words, more than the physical abuse, make me wince.

I am really frightened now. I know he is furious. Of late, even the slightest of things seem to irk him. I am so scared that he might hit me. After the way he has behaved today, I know he is capable of anything. I realise that the best way to ease the situation is to just give in to him.

‘I am sorry, Sandeep,’ I hear myself say in a voice I do not recognise. Tears sting my eyes as I say it, and I cower in fright.

‘How dare you? And how come all the neighbours know about it and I don’t?’ he says.

That is when it dawns on me that the chakkar woman must have fed him the information. Sandeep must have come home early for some reason and she must have somehow seen him and intervened. From his words, it is evident that it had to be one of the mothers at the bus stop. He couldn’t have got the information from anywhere else.

‘I just meant to go for a demo class. It’s always been my wish to learn salsa,’ I say.

‘And this wish emerged all of a sudden, is it? In all these years we have been married, you never had this wish. And who was that bastard you were shaking your tits at?’ he spews out.

‘Please don’t talk like that,’ I plead. I truly cannot bear his language.

‘You really have loose morals. Look at you. You forget you are a wife and a mother.’

No, I am fully aware of it. I have never neglected my duties as a wife or as a mother. I have done everything for you these last fifteen years. I have been your subservient, faithful wife who has kept house and raised a child. You have never once appreciated or even noticed me. Have you once spoken a kind word to me? Have you ever told me I look beautiful? Have you even thought of what I might like and enjoy? You have always made decisions for me and you have presumed I am happy. It is you who forgot that a mother and a wife is also a woman and a human being, just like everyone else, and deserves to be treated right.

‘Sorry, Sandeep. I will not attend any more classes,’ I whisper, detesting myself for saying the words.

He switches off the light and tears off my clothes.

This time the love-making is animalistic, rough, and savage. It is as though he wants to punish me and claim his ownership of me. He does not even notice that I am crying and sobbing as he thrusts and thrusts.

Or perhaps he does and it gives him a kick. I do not know the man I married anymore.

I continue sobbing long after he had dozed off. I want to call up Ankit and tell him the reality of my marriage. I want to call up Tanu and tell her what has happened. I want to reply to Gaurav’s text. I know I cannot be a silent martyr in my marriage anymore. I have had enough of this. I know I must do something, but I really have no clue where to start, what to do or how I am going to do it. All I know is, I want to be free of this man, the father of my child. I am done with enduring all of this. I am done with trying to please my parents, my husband and society at large.

It is about time I started living my life, doing what I want to do.

The next morning Sandeep pretends as though everything is fine. He packs his clothes meticulously for his trip to Korea.

I go about all my chores, cooking breakfast, lunch, sending Abhay to school, and keep mum most of the time. I speak only when he speaks to me. He is mostly busy packing his stuff, ticking off the things on his list and answering phone calls and mails on his smart phone. I hear him talking to his mother, telling her that he will be in touch from Korea.

I hear him talking to his colleagues, giving them instructions and discussing something related to his project with them.

Finally his cab arrives.

‘Don’t do anything stupid. Bye,’ are his parting words as he finally leaves for the airport.

I wait and watch till the cab disappears round the bend. Then I come inside the house. I make sure that I double bolt the door. I turn up the music really loud. The song ‘Are We Human’ by Killers, streams across the room.

‘Close your eyes, hear your heart, Cut the cord.
’ The words seem to be speaking to me.

I dance and dance and dance. I dance like I have never danced before. It feels wonderful, exhilarating—to be doing something that gives me so much joy.

Sandeep’s departure has made me feel as though a huge burden has been lifted off my chest. I am actually celebrating his leaving. I am happy to see him go.

And, finally, when I have exhausted myself dancing, I take a quick shower and finish the day’s cooking.

I want to tell Vibha all that has happened, but I am not ready to speak to her yet. So I sit at the computer and draft a long mail to her, updating her with all that has been happening so far, leaving out the part about my involvement with Ankit or even meeting him.

Then I call up Gaurav and tell him I want to meet him.

‘Now?’ he asks

‘Yes, now, unless you have a class.’

‘I was in a class when you called.’

‘Oh, I am sorry. You shouldn’t have picked up my call then.’

‘How could I not? I finish in about twenty minutes. Where do you want to meet?’

‘At Ajanta, near Brunton Road, in about thirty minutes?

‘Sure. I will be there.’

‘And Gaurav—I am calling one of my close friends too. There is something I want to talk to you guys about. I hope you don’t mind.’

‘Of course not, Diksha. A friend of yours is a friend of mine,’ he says.

Then I call up Tanu.

‘So all set, babes? Shall I come and pick you up? You have made arrangements for Abhay to get dropped off at your MIL’s place right?’ Tanu asks, as soon as she answers the phone.

‘Yeah, I have. Listen, Tanu, something happened last evening. I am really shaken. I need to talk to you. In fact I have called another friend too. I am meeting him at Ajanta, in about thirty minutes. Can you come?’ I ask.

‘Sure, babes. I will be there. Are you okay?’ she asks

‘Yeah, sort of. I guess. But I am terribly shaken,’ I reply.

When I reach Ajanta, I find Tanu already waiting. I hug her and I cannot stop tears from rising to my eyes, clouding my vision.

The waiters give us curious stares, but I am past caring. I explain to her all that happened last evening.

Tanu is aghast. She is shocked and angry.

‘You must leave him, Diksha. What the hell are you doing sticking around in that marriage?’ she asks.

‘Look, it isn’t so easy for me,’ I reply.

Before she can answer, I see Gaurav walking towards us.

I can tell that, like most men, he is very impressed by Tanu. But then he conceals it quickly and recovers. I watch Tanu too and I know she likes his manner, his poise, his good looks and his stylish clothes.

‘Hey Gaurav, meet Tanu, my best pal. Tanu has just moved to Bangalore and heads the Bangalore division of Barclays. And Tanu, this is Gaurav, my salsa instructor,’ I say as they both shake hands and say their hellos.

‘Hey, I thought I was your good friend more than your salsa instructor! And you never told me you had such a great-looking friend,’ smiles Gaurav.

‘She did not tell me about you either,’ smiles Tanu and I know they already like each other.

‘Yeah, yeah, now you have both met, so you can’t complain,’ I say, secretly pleased that he asserted he was a good friend. Somehow it matters to me, these small things.

We all order mini-idlis and filter coffee which is the speciality of this restaurant.

My phone rings and it is Vibha. I cut her call and text her, telling her that I am out and will call her back later.

As the waiter scuttles off to get us our order, Gaurav looks at me and raises his eyebrows, as though to ask whether Tanu knows what happened and what it was that I wanted to talk about.

‘I told Tanu about the incident at the salsa class and she was just telling me that I should leave him and, hey, I am really, really sorry that he hit you,’ I say, laying out the topic in the open.

‘Well, you don’t have to apologise for him. I was really shocked. This has never happened to me in class before and I was taken totally by surprise. And, ouch, it still hurts. From now on, I must make sure that the spouses sign a no-objections clause and a consent form before I let married people join a class,’ he says half-joking, rubbing his jaws and making an exaggerated comic face to show extreme pain.

Tanu laughs.

I am unable to.

‘Hey, Diksha, relax, It is really not your fault that you are married to an asshole who is stuck in the dark ages, pardon my language,’ says Gaurav.

I tell them that I really want their advice. I explain that Sandeep is in Korea and will be there for the next few weeks. I truly do not want to stay in this marriage anymore.

But the problem is I have no financial means to fall back on. I have never worked and have a nine-year-old son whom I dote on, to take care of. I am actually filling in the void for a father as well in his life as Sandeep is never there for him. I tell them how much it meant to Abhay to have his father at his science fair, but Sandeep couldn’t care less. I explain how difficult it is to walk away from a marriage when a child is involved.

‘Child or no child, ending it and going through a long-winded divorce is always messy, Diksha. Trust me, I speak from experience,’ says Gaurav.

I reach out and squeeze his hand. I can feel the pain behind those words.

‘I agree. Not the divorce bit, but ending relationships,’ says Tanu.

Our steaming-hot mini-idlis arrive and we eat in silence.

‘Hey guys, you both are truly the only real friends I have and I am so glad you are with me in this,’ I say.

‘Anytime. We are with you, Diksha. We will sort this out. There are no easy solutions, but that does not mean there are no solutions at all,’ says Gaurav.

‘Yes, I agree. You have time for now, Diksha. At least till he returns. We will figure out something,’ says Tanu.

And sitting in that café with Gaurav and Tanu, I am really glad I have these two people in my life. I feel grateful to have someone I can speak openly to, without fear of judgement. Someone who understands the situation fully. Someone supportive and someone who genuinely cares for me. I feel good about my friendship with Gaurav and Tanu, who have unexpectedly come into my life and are now there when I need them most.

But I still hide my involvement with Ankit from them.

Somehow, even though I have shared so much, I am not ready to share that yet.

My phone beeps and I smile when I see that it is a message from him. I quickly put it away, like saving a treasure for later, to be savoured in secrecy when I am by myself.

No matter what has happened in my life, even the mere thought of him is enough to make me smile.

‘So what are you going to do now? Will you be coming for dance class or no? Personally, I think you have great potential and you should continue,’ says Gaurav.

‘I want to, Gaurav. But I do not feel like facing the others now. How can I after Sandeep behaved the way he did?’

‘Hey listen. Let us get one thing very clear, you are not responsible for his behaviour, okay?’

‘I agree,’ says Tanu. ‘You should continue your class, Diksha. It would truly be a pity if you stopped.’

‘And, you know what? She is really one of the best students I have had. She should, in fact, do the intermediate and advanced levels too. Salsa comes naturally to her. Do convince your friend,’ he tells Tanu.

Tanu replies that she will do her best.

Gaurav hugs me and tells me that I can call him anytime. He tells me to take care and assures me not to worry and that everything will be all right. We bid a bye to Gaurav, who has another class soon.

And then we go house-hunting.

Tanu is very clear about what she wants. It has to be something modern, swanky and upmarket. She wants round-the-clock security and amenities such as a good gym (a must, she insists as she works out every single day) and a swimming pool.

We are not happy with most of the properties that the agent shows us. Some have interiors that are too dark, some are too far away from her place of work, some are very poorly constructed and some just have terrible floor plans. We find one which seems okay, except the road that leads to it is terribly narrow.

I tell her that there is a new construction, just a few metres away from my home, that she could check out. She is keen to do so.

‘Your home is really close to my office. So I am already inclined towards this place. Let’s go and see it,’ she says.

We finally reach my lane and have a look at it. It is like a dream home.

The project has eighteen exclusive penthouses, each with its own private terrace garden. Added to that, it is a space full of extraordinary amenities like a bowling alley, a putting green, a swimming pool. There is a round-the-clock power back-up. The whole area has wi-fi and, apart from all this, there is also an amphitheatre. The entrance to each home is through an electronic key and finger-print scanning. There is wooden flooring in the master bedroom and beautifully landscaped gardens surround the area. The balconies all have transparent fibre-glass. The whole effect is very urban, posh, classy, in short exactly what Tanu wants.