The Secret wish List (25 page)

I apologise to her and tell her that we will soon pay her a visit. She says she will be more than happy to have him over and I thank her for it.

Ankit is in Bangalore for two more days. He isn’t able to meet me the next day as he is in meetings. His responses to my messages are much delayed.

‘Sorry, meine liebe. This deal is important. In meetings whole day. Will call you the moment I get free.’

He types and there is also an emoticon, a kiss which sends my heart racing again.

It is as though I have turned into a teenager overnight after meeting Ankit. He says that he feels the same way.

‘It’s okay. I’m right here waiting for you. Do your work well,’
I type back. I do mean it.

I do not mind when he is busy with meetings. He in talks with a group of investors who want to collaborate with him to open a hotel in Bangalore which will have super-luxury service apartments instead of just rooms. They plan to offer studio apartments as well as two- and three-bedroom apartments with the unique comforts of home, the ambience of a corporate guest house or a five star hotel, and the exclusive facilities ideal for both a short-term and extended stay.

I feel proud just thinking of his achievements. I am amazed that he has still held on to a love that he felt when he was seventeen. I cannot get over the fact that he loves me so much. He must have met scores of attractive women, smart women. Yet, he wants a relationship with
me
. But then, I think about my friendship with Tanu and how we still feel the same way towards each other. And I realise that some bonds forged during the early years are eternal.

I have a salsa class that evening and I am increasingly certain that I do not want to go back and face the others in class. Gaurav calls me up to enquire if I will attend.

‘Listen, Gaurav. I love salsa, and I really do want to learn it. But let me be honest with you. After what happened that day, I cannot face my classmates. I simply do not have the guts. I had let them believe that I was single and in-between jobs. And after that crazy scene Sandeep created that day, I am ashamed to even show my face there.’

‘I know, Diksha. But you have already paid up. 16K isn’t exactly a small sum. And the institute has a policy of non-refund. If I owned the institute, I would have gladly refunded you the full amount. But I get audited for it. I feel bad about you not only losing money, but more so about you losing out on learning salsa. You are really talented. It would be a shame to let that talent go waste.’

‘What can I do, Gaurav? Like I said earlier, I do want to learn, but it’s awkward for me to come to class. I really cannot.’

‘Hmm, how about I shift your timings? Put you in a new batch?’

That idea had not occurred to me at all. While I had wanted to very much continue learning salsa, I hadn’t seen a way out of my current predicament. Gaurav’s solution seems ideal.

‘Wow! Can you do that? That would be just perfect,’ I say.

‘But it will have to be late evening. What will you do with your son?’

‘That will be a problem. If Sandeep isn’t in town, there won’t be an issue, as I can leave Abhay with my mother-in-law. But if he is around, then he will definitely ask and create a fuss if he comes to know I am continuing to learn.’

‘Diksha, I have the perfect solution for this,’ he says.

‘Which is?’ I prompt him.

‘Have coffee with me today and I will tell you,’ he says.

I know that Ankit will not be able to meet me as he is busy for the day, so I readily agree to have coffee with Gaurav.

‘Same place, same time?’

‘Yes, I will be there.’

While Gaurav is a great guy, I know all I feel for him is fondness as a friend. I do not know if he feels anything more than that for me. And I do not want to take any chances screwing up a great friendship, just in the remote case of him wanting a relationship. I know it is too early and even perhaps ridiculous of me to think he might want something more, but I value his presence so much in my life that I do not want to take even the smallest risk. I decide that I will tell him about Ankit.

We meet at the usual place and he greets me with a hug.

We now talk with the ease of old friends and I feel that I have known him all my life. By now, I am used to his good looks. He is really attractive and is as well-dressed as usual. I see women turning around to look at him, trying to catch his eye and checking me out as though to say, ‘What does he see in
her
?’ I feel a kind of vicarious pride when he is with me.

I tell him that I really appreciate all that he is doing for me.

He says, ‘Hey, that’s what friends are for. Don’t even mention it.’

‘I wouldn’t know, Gaurav. I really haven’t made any good friends other than you.’

‘Really? I am surprised. But you do have Tanu, right?’

That gives me the opening I am looking for. I tell him about my friendship with Tanu. How close we are. I tell him about all our escapades in school.

Then I ask him, ’Do you remember you had asked me what rules I had broken and I had told you I will tell you later?’

Of course he remembers he says and still wants to know.

So I tell him about the night Ankit and I were caught kissing. I tell him about how miserable my life became after that—the new school, new city, the monitoring, the pressure, the constant reminding of my wrongdoing, the pressure to get me married which I eventually succumbed to, thinking, in my naivete, of it as an escape route. But, unfortunately, it didn’t quite turn out that way, and I tell him what it’s been like all these years with Sandeep. I tell him about how Tanu and Ankit came back in my life. And I tell him about how much Ankit means to me and how we have been meeting in secret.

He listens to all of it patiently. Without any interruptions. And finally when I finish, he says, ‘Oh my God, Diksha. I truly would have never guessed. What a life you have led!’

‘Yeah, I know. It is like leading my life in reverse. Most people go through relationships and finally settle down with someone they like, have a baby, etc. Here, I have had a baby and now I am going on dates, as though to compensate for what I have missed. It is crazy.’

‘No, no, Diksha. I never looked at it that way. What I meant was, when you first came to the salsa class, I could have never imagined that you came from such a conservative background and how hard it must have been for you to join the class, and how many internal barriers you must have broken to follow your heart. Looking at you, I would have never guessed all of this. So when Sandeep stormed in that day, I was indeed shell-shocked. But now it all makes sense.’

‘Anyway, now you know my whole story, Gaurav. This is the first time I have opened up like this to somebody.’

‘I am honoured, Diksha’, he says and cups my hand. It is the touch of a good friend as though to say, ‘Don’t worry. I am with you through and through.’

Then I ask him what was the brilliant idea he had.

He says that he wants to offer me private salsa lessons. They will be exclusive lessons, just for me. I cannot believe what he is offering. It is like a dream come true.

‘But the money, Gaurav? I can’t afford private lessons, you know. My cousin, Vibha, paid for this course.’

‘Did I ask you for money, Diksha? Come on! How can you even talk about money and belittle our friendship. This is truly the least I can do for a friend. Please! If I wanted money, do you think I would have called you out and spent time with you? Wouldn’t I have simply suggested this over the phone? What a silly goose you are, Diksha. I
like
you! You’re my
friend
. And if I cannot do this much for a good friend, what is the use of friendship?’

The generosity of his offer takes me completely by surprise.

‘Wow,’ I say, my voice almost a whisper. I am speechless.

Gaurav smiles.

‘I knew this was the perfect solution. So will you come to the studio? When shall we start?’ he asks.

I tell him that I will let him know. All of this has happened so suddenly. I thank him and tell him that I definitely want to learn and that we will work out the timings and other details.

Once I am back home, I know that I have to speak to Tanu. I have just told Gaurav about my relationship with Ankit and it seems unfair to hide it from Tanu anymore. But somehow I am still reluctant to share it with Vibha.

I call up Tanu, telling her that I am coming over to her place to spend the night and that I want to talk.

‘Anytime, babes, anytime. I am only delighted to have you. You know that well,’ she says.

Next, I call up my mother-in-law and tell her that since I want to spend a night with my old school friend, just chatting and catching up, would she be okay to have Abhay over? She is thrilled by the idea and suggests that I drop him off at the earliest and leave him till the weekend or even longer if I want.

This fits perfectly with my plans. I know Ankit will be free to spend the next day with me. If Abhay isn’t around, who knows I could perhaps even spend the night with him? The very prospect excites me.

Tanu and I sit on her balcony overlooking the pool. The lights in the swimming pool shimmer and the reflections dance on the dark bobbing waters. There is nobody in the pool at this time of the night and it is so tranquil just to sit there and gaze at the water.

I tell Tanu that I have a confession to make. It reminds me of the time all those years ago when I had cycled to her home to tell her about Ankit. Strangely after so many years, I am once again confessing to her, and it is once again about Ankit.

Tanu says that we will talk over a glass of wine.

I laugh and say that this time it is okay even if I get drunk as I am staying over and Sandeep isn’t around to pass moral judgements or be shocked. Tanu opens a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and pours it into long-stemmed flute glasses and hands over one to me.

As we sit sipping our wine on her balcony, I find myself relaxing more and more.

Tanu is so easy to talk to and she has been such a loyal and devoted friend. I tell her about Gaurav’s offer to teach me salsa. I tell her about how my marriage really is and how sex in my marriage leaves me feeling raped. I tell her about how I am unable to stand up to Sandeep, and how subservient I have always been, and how I am unable to find the courage to break free. I tell her about my meetings with Ankit and how we have now got into a relationship and become inseparable.

Tanu listens without judging me and I am grateful for that.

She tells me about all the men she has been in a relationship with in detail. ‘I am thirty-four, Diksha. I head a business unit. But I am still single. I really don’t think I will ever find Mr Right,’ she says. She talks about her last relationship with an investment banker who really broke her heart.

‘It was just a relationship for sex, Diksha. But he led me to believe otherwise. I was a naïve fool to have slept with him. He finally left me a week before he got married, can you believe? He had hidden all of that from me. He is happily married now, but I still burn with the memories. What a bastard he turned out to be. And the sad little pathetic fool that I am, I still wait for him secretly. I know she is so wrong for him, and one foolish little part of me still hopes he will come back to me. How stupid is that?’ she says as she takes a last gulp of wine and pours herself some more.

‘So you see, we all have our little secrets. Our little burdens to carry. We should just make choices that bring us happiness. We have only one life, Diksha. We should follow our heart and do what gives us joy. Learn salsa. And you know what, if you think going to the studio at a late hour is difficult, just use my apartment. It is anyway large enough. This way, you will be close to home and can bring Abhay over too. When Sandeep gets back, you can always say you are popping over to my place and he will not suspect a thing.’

I smile. It is indeed the perfect solution. I am happy about it. I immediately call up Gaurav who says it is ideal too. He then speaks to Tanu and thanks her and tells her that this will give him an excuse to see her more often as well.

Tanu laughs and I know she likes the idea of seeing him as well. I am happy.