The Secrets That We Keep (22 page)

Tyler Williams was a street thug who was too cocky for his own good. He ran his mouth incessantly and it ultimately got him in trouble. I was undercover on another job and overheard him telling his friends about how he killed these old people and how the old man tried to fight him but he snapped his neck with ease. He said the old woman wouldn’t stop screaming so he suffocated her with a pillow. Apparently he was there to rob them and got caught and killed them. His friends found it hilarious and he was talking about the stupid cops and how he’d never be caught and thought he’d try to do it again just to see if he could get away with it.

I was a rookie at the time, no other coworkers heard his confession. I wasn’t even supposed to be in that area, it was a mistake on my part but I happened to hear him. If I had told, it would have been the rookie who wasn’t even where he was supposed to be that night, versus Tyler who would obviously lie and say he never said anything. His friends wouldn’t rat him out and with his brazen confession of wanting to do it again, I knew I had to stop him.

I already told you about Cyrus and why I did what I did. I don’t think I have to give you any more information on that. The last thing is about Dante. As you’ve seen, he is dead and before you can even question it, yes, it was because of me. But I did not just go in and murder him. I had “anonymous information” on his dealings and once my bosses had that information they went in to question him. It ended up in a shootout and it wasn’t only him that was killed. I hope that with this information, you will feel safe again. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, you to be safe.

This is me being completely honest with you, no more lies, no more secrets. I hope that one day you will be able to forgive me. I can’t apologize enough and I will forever try to make it up to you. I know that you want to be friends with Lucas still and I’m okay with that. I can deal with you two being friends, don’t think that I’ll try to keep you two apart. I love you more than you will ever know Annabella.

I put the papers in my lap and take a breath. My thoughts are all over the place and I’m not even sure how to feel. I’m definitely happy to hear that I don’t have to worry about Dante coming after me anymore. After learning about the men who Julian had killed I felt disgusted by the criminal’s actions and of course felt they should have been punished. Although, I’m sure they had family and friends who still cared about them even though they were sick and heartless. I just can’t find myself to feel too bad for them considering the things they had done. People who hurt young, innocent children just don’t deserve a second chance in my eyes, and the poor elderly couple didn’t deserve to die
, either.

Besides them, Julian only killed Cyrus and I can’t say that I feel too terrible for him either. He was a brutal bastard and wanted to kill both me and Michelle. I
shudder just thinking about him.

He’s killed three people.

Two of those people he killed before he was with me. He said he was a rookie back then and I wasn’t with him when he was a rookie. So he’s killed one person while we’ve been together and that was to protect a friend of mine. He’s still considered a killer; he still could go to jail if anybody else ever found out.

It suddenly hits me that he has obviously put his fate in my hands. I have his confession here, in my hand. I have the power to put him behind bars. He trusts me with his life. This causes another wave of emotions to hit. Could I put him in jail? He killed people, yes, but he killed detestable and vile hoodlums.
People who would have gone on to hurt, and rape, and kill others, so perhaps he saved a lot of people as well.

I go to put the papers back in the box and realize I left one in there. It’s something else written from Julian.

In my world full of chaos, frustration, anger and darkness, you are my moonlight. In my darkest moments it is your light that guides me to see. Without you I am blind and all alone; left to wander through life aimlessly with no hope of ever finding salvation or happiness. Without you, darkness is all I see. It would be all I have left. With you, I know that I am never fully submerged in the dark. With you, I can see.

You are the stars in my night sky. There is no beauty in this world that can match what I see in you every day. Outside, you are stunning. Every man wishe
s he had what it is that I have, a wife whose physical beauty is so mesmerizing that she commands attention in every room that she walks in. That doesn’t even hold a candle to the beauty that you possess on the inside. No one has ever loved me the way that you love me. When things become too hard, I turn to you. When things become too dark for us, I look up to you, my star and it is your beauty that guides me home.

Nothing that I do in this life would ever have any meaning if it wasn’t for you. You keep me centered. You are my sun. Without you, everything in my life would freeze. Everything would stop and I would become lost and immobile, struggling to find my way on my own, in the dark. You are the light that has guided my lie to be successful and full of happiness. You are the reason that we are an example to relationships around us. You tamed me when no one else could. You keep me warm when I am cold and feed the good that is within me and encourage it to grow. You are everything beautiful in my life. My
moonlight, stars and sun. I love you.

I let the paper fall from my hands and watch it gently float to the ground. I
lay across the couch and curl into the fetal position and cry for the first time since I left Chicago.

I
ended up crying myself to sleep on the couch after reading Julian’s beautiful letter. I cried because I miss him, I cried because I still love him, I cried because I want things to be the way they were. I want my perfect life back. I was happy and in love and want nothing more than to go back to that life. Why did everything have to get so fucked up along the way?

When I wake up on the couch, the room is cloaked in darkness. I didn’t have my TV or lights on when I fell asleep because the sun was still shining through the windows. I realize I’ve slept into the night a
nd it’s now ten o’clock. I wonder if it’s too late to call Julian. He probably thinks I never want to talk to him again since I was supposed to call him after opening the package. I decide to send him a text to see if he’s still awake.

Me:
Hey, are you awake?

Julian:
I’ve been waiting to see if you were going to call. Of course I’m awake.

As soon as I hit the call button, I realize I have no idea what I’m going to say to him when he answers. I don’t have much time to worry about it because he answers on the first ring.

“Hello?” he says, sounding solemn.

“Hey,” I
respond, my voice barely above a whisper.

“I didn’t think you were going to call.”

“Yeah, I uh, fell asleep on the couch, sorry.”

“That’s okay. I take it you’ve opened the package.”

He sounds so dejected when he says it.

“Yeah, I have. I don’t really know what to say.”

I hear him let out a long breath like he had been holding it in.

“
Well, I’m glad that you called.”

After a couple of awkward minutes of silence, I decide to say something.

“Julian, that letter you wrote for me was absolutely beautiful. Thank you so much, it really touched me and warmed my heart.”

“You’re welcome, my beautiful B
ella. Everything in it was only the truth. I never want you to forget what you mean to me.”

I feel the lump in my throat and the tears forming in my eyes again. I don’t want to start to cry uncontrollably on the phone
, so I take a few seconds to get myself together before responding to him.

“
I…Julian, I just…” I trail off because fighting the tears is too much for me. A sob escapes me and I tried to move the phone away but I don’t think I was fast enough.

“Bella, please don’t cry. I didn’t want to make you sad. I’m sorry, baby. Please don’t cry. I wish I could be there with you now to comfort you and hold you in my arms again. I miss you so much.”

Hearing his pleas only make my tears flow faster down my face. I’m a sniffling, blubbering mess.

“I miss you too, Julian,” I cry.

I hear him sigh in relief.

“Bella, I can’t live without you. I need to know if we have a chance. Please just let me know if we stand a chance at being together again,” he pleads.

Before I even realize that I’ve made a decision, I open my mouth and answer him.

“We need to be friends first. I’m not going to move back to Chicago right now. Let’s talk more on the phone. Let’s just see where this goes from friendship.”

I can almost hear him smile. I’m pretty sure he let out a small laugh.

“That works for me. It gives me a chance to sweep you off your feet again. Thank you, Bella.”

“Julian, I’m not promising anything. I just know that I miss hearing your voice every day. I miss feeling your body close to mine. I just…miss you, I miss us. I just need you to promise me one thing.”

“Anything, what is it?” he asks quickly.

“You can’t do it anymore, Julian. It’s wrong, and I know those people were disgusting people, and I don’t blame you for wanting them dead. What they did was despicable, but I can’t be with you if you continue that.”

I hold my breath and wait for his response. He may very well crush t
he idea of “us” again because of this. I’m just hoping that’s not the case. I feel like time stands still. He doesn’t answer right away and my heart drops to my stomach.

“Bella,” he says softly, his accent curling around my name so beautifully. “Before Cyrus, it had been several years. I don’t do this on a regular basis. I didn’t murder them viciously either. Tyler and Joseph were common street thugs. They didn’t stray too far from the drugs and alcohol and because I was able to surreptitiously make my way into their crowds, I was able to slip them some uh
…potentially lethal paraphernalia. Being addicts, they took it right away and right in front of me. I made sure nobody else would get their hands on it. Obviously they didn’t know who I was, and thought I was just one of them. I would walk away and they would soon overdose. It wasn’t the only thing they had in their system; they had been taking hits all night.”

He pauses and gives me time to take it all in. When I don’t respond, he continues.

“I won’t do it again, Bella. I knew it was wrong and after Tyler and Joseph I had no intentions of doing anything like that again, and I only had to kill Cyrus because he gave me no choice. That night when I went to find Michelle, he fought me, he broke a bottle on the back of my neck and then pulled a gun on me. At that point, it was self-defense. I won’t do it again.”

“Okay,” I mutter.

“Okay,” he repeats, almost like a question.

“
Yeah. Let’s talk about something else.”

“Alright.
What do you have planned for Christmas? Are you doing anything special?”

“I haven’t really thought about it honestly. I have a sad little Christmas tree in my apartment. It could use some presents underneath it. I’m probably going to hang out with Meghan or something. What about you?” I ask.

“I have no plans. I didn’t even put our tree up. So your sad tree is better than what’s going on over here,” he says with a laugh.

I almost want to invite him to come visit me, but I’m afraid it may be too soon for that.
I hesitate too long, trying to think of some sort of response, and he speaks up again before I can.

“Don’t worry about it, Bella. I know you’re over there trying to think of something appropriate
to say. I’m fine, I’m a big boy. I can spend a holiday alone.”

“I know. I just feel bad.”

“Well don’t. I have to get going. I should probably get some sleep in before I have to go to work. I will call you tomorrow though, if that’s okay?”

“Oh, yes of course. I’ll talk to you soon. Good night, Julian.”

“Good night, Bella.”

I spend the rest of the night and early morning re-reading Julian’s letter and questioning what I’m capable of forgiving and also of letting go. You can’t possibly forgive somebody for something and continue to hold a grudge. If you aren’t able to leave the past in the past, then it will ruin your future. It will destroy what you’re trying to re-build. Can I let the past be just that? Do I feel we are worth fighting for and saving?

I decide I need to talk to Jade and see what she has to say about this. She doesn’t know why I left Julian; I only told her that he lied to me about something very important. I don’t think
it’s right to let anybody know about what Julian has done. If anybody accidentally let it slip, it could cause a whole lot of trouble. I know she’ll give me her honest opinion on what I should do though, so I dial.

“
Heeey!” she squeals happily into the phone.

I laugh into the phone.
“Hey, yourself! What are you up to?”

“Oh not much.
Just doing some laundry, it’s never ending! I don’t even know how that’s possible. I’m only one person!” she exclaims.

“Yeah, but you have enough clothes for a family of four!” I laugh.

She scoffs. “Oh, whatever! What are you doing?”

I let out a sigh and before I can even say anything, she already seems to know something’s up.

“Uh-oh. Talk to me, lady. I’m about to grab a lime-a-rita and sit down so I can give you my full attention.”

I laugh and know that’s exactly what she’s going to do. “Well, I talked to Julian and he sent me an amazing letter and…” She interrupts me before I can finish.

“Wait, what? You gave him your address? What does this mean? What did he say?”

“Well, if you’d let me finish!” I say with a laugh.

“Right. Sorry. Continue please.”

“He wants us to try again. H
e says he can’t live without me and basically begged me to let him know if we still had a chance. Let me read you this letter, Jade. It’s just breathtaking.”

I read Jade the letter and she’s silent for a moment after and I’m afraid I’ve lost her.

“Hello? You there?” I ask.

I hear her sniffle a little bit before speaking. “Sorry, yes I’m here.”

“Well, what do you think?”

“Girl, I’m just
gonna say this. If you don’t take that man back, you will be the biggest idiot on Earth and I don’t know if I’ll be able to be friends with you.”

“Hey! That’s not nice,”
I say, playfully whining to her.

“I’m just saying, he obviously thinks the world of you. That man will love you and only you until he dies. I know you still love him and you guys were so cute and perfect together. You were like the golden couple, the couple everyone is jealous of because they wish
they had what you have. You’re made for each other. Don’t be a dumb ass.”

“Well okay,” I say, laughing. “I did tell him we could start talking more and just start over.”

“Shit, don’t take too long! I know you haven’t been getting any, I’m sure you’re dying,” she says, cracking up at my expense.

“Not funny,
Jade. I really am dying!” I whine.

She
starts laughing even harder and I’m pretty sure she just snorted too. “Sorry, but now you know the single life isn’t all what it’s cracked up to be. Sure, you can go out and do pretty much whatever you want, whenever you want, but you still come home to a quiet, lonely house. It sucks.”

“Yeah, that’s true.”

Jade is right. Every time I’ve come home, I’ve come home to a cold, lonely place. It doesn’t feel like home to me. Sure it’s nice, and I love the area, but it doesn’t feel like a warm and welcoming place that you’d want to spend your life in. The silence becomes unbearable.

“Well, why don’t you come visit me so this house won’t be so quiet and I won’t be so lonely?” I ask. I really miss Jade and she’s been trying to make her way out here
, but work has been getting in the way.

“You know I want to,” she says sadly. “I just need to talk my boss into letting me off.”

Jade works for an ad agency and her boss is a major asshole. I don’t doubt he’s giving her a hard time, but that’s because Jade is amazing at her job and I’m sure he really needs her.

“I understand,” I say, trying to hide the sadness in my voice. “Oh wait! Maybe I can go back to Chicago for a visit.” I realize that I don’t have Dante to worry about
, and I wouldn’t mind seeing Julian again for a little visit now that we are on better terms.

Jade is quiet a moment before responding. “I’m sure you don’t want to leave sunny California for cold, blistery Chicago. It’s terrible over here.”

I try not to be hurt that she doesn’t seem to want to see me as much as I want to see her. I do understand what she’s saying though. I have loved the nice weather here.

“Well…yeah, I guess so. I just miss you so much. I just thought it would be nice to be together for New Year’s or something.”

“I miss you too! Don’t think I don’t want to see you, I do. I just want to get over there and get out of this place!” she exclaims. “Let me talk to my boss again, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Well girl, I gotta get going. I’ll talk to you soon,” she says.

“Okay, thanks for the talk.”

“Anytime. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

I click the end button and before I can put the phone down, it begins ringing in my hand. I look at the screen and see Lucas’s name flash across.

“Hey, you,” I say into the phone.

“Hey! Whatcha up to?” he asks.

“Not a whole lot actually. I was contemplating a trip to Chicago
, but I don’t think I’ll go.”

“What? No, you can’t go to Chicago,” he says, like it was the most ridiculous idea I’ve had.

“Why not?”

“Maybe because you have someone there wanting to kill you.”

“Lucas, Julian doesn’t want to kill me,” I say tiredly.

“I wasn’t talking about him. I was talking about Dante.”

His response surprises me for two reasons. One, because he actually admitted to not thinking Julian wanted to kill me and that was a first, and secondly because I forgot he didn’t know about what happened to Dante.

“Oh, Dante is dead
. He was killed when he was being questioned about his business ventures. I guess him and his people decided they weren’t going down without a fight or something.”