The Secrets That We Keep (24 page)

“We’ve talked a few times on the phone. I guess he isn’t too bad,” Lucas says with a shrug.

“What have you talked about? When did you start talking to him? I’m so confused!”

“We haven’t been talking too long. He got my number through my brother and wanted to explain to me everything he’s told you.”

When I furrow my brows in confusion, Lucas continues.

“You know, about his past and what he’s done and all that. He just wanted to clear things up. He also wanted me to know about his feelings for you and that he didn’t plan on giving up. He said he was okay with me and you being friends and stuff like that.”

“What do you think about all of that?” I ask.

“Bell, you know I’ve o
nly wanted you to be safe and happy. If he makes you feel that way, then I’m happy for you. I told you before I wanted to be in your life and I do. We were friends before, we’re friends now and we can continue to be friends. I know you’re in love with him and I’m not going to try to mess that up. I love you and always will. We had our time and it was great and then I messed up and we grew up and grew apart. It happens. I had hoped that we could be together again, but I know now that we are great as friends. I can talk to you about anything, we laugh, we joke, we give each other a hard time but more importantly, we are there for each other, we support each other, listen to each other and I really don’t want to take a chance at messing that up. You are my best friend, Bell. If your husband is okay with us still being friends, and being able to talk to each other, then I have no problem with him.

I let out a sob and throw my arms around his neck. We stand there and hold each other for a minute before the sound of someone clearing their throat, breaks the silence.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Julian says.

“No, you’re fine,” I say as I pull away from Lucas and wipe my eyes.

“I just wanted to be able to talk to you both. I know I’ve spoken with you separately but I want to say this now, while we’re all together.” He takes a deep breath before continuing. “Bella, you know that I love you. I will always love you and I want nothing more than to be with you again. You are now aware of everything in my past. I’ve come clean about everything and don’t want to lie to you about anything ever again. I will never be able to apologize enough, but I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you if you let me. You saw everything dark and ugly about me and if you can try to be with me after all of that, I promise to try to make you fall in love with me all over again.”

He turns his body to face Lucas. “Lucas, I know our…relationship is a little unorthodox, but I told you everything as well because I know you are going to be in Bella’s life and I want you to at least be able to respect me. I don’t want you to think of me like a monster or think I’m somebody who could ever hurt her
, because I never would. I know we had some misunderstandings between us, but I can put it all behind me now if you can. I know you two have a past and have history. I will not keep you two from having a friendship because I know that would hurt Bella. I want us all to be able to get along and hope that if Bella chooses to have me in her life again, that you’ll be able to be okay with that.”

I st
and there listening to Julian’s speech and I’m sure my jaw is touching the floor. I can’t believe he’s offering to be friends with Lucas and hopes we can all be friends. This is something I never expected, but I can’t say I’m not happy about it. I couldn’t imagine not having Lucas in my life again and I’m so grateful that Julian seems to understand that. With his talk about honesty though, I can’t help but feel like I need to let him know about the kiss Lucas and I shared at the airport. I just hope that this news won’t end the cool, calm and collected Julian that stands before me now.

No more secrets.

“Julian,” I say softly, my eyes jumping between him, Lucas and the floor. “I uh, I have something I need to tell you.” I look back over at Lucas and wonder if he knows what I’m about to say. His facial expression gives nothing away and when I look at Julian, he seems to be just as stoic. “I just want to be honest with you because I agree. I don’t want us to have any more secrets between us. That obviously doesn’t do anybody any good. I will admit that I’m afraid of how you’ll react but I just want you to know this before we continue talking about anything else.”

I pause and wait for a reaction from either of them. They both look at one another briefly before all eyes are back on me
, and I still can’t read their expressions. I rub my hand across my forehead and take a deep breath in and hope for the best.

“The ugly truth is better than a hidden lie,” Julian says with a reassuring smile.

“Okay, I don’t know how to say this in the best possible way so I’m just going to say it.” Another deep breath. “Lucas and I shared a kiss before I came here. It was the one kiss and we never saw each other again after that. I mean, I spoke to him on the phone, but you know that, and that’s it. I love Lucas, he will always be important to me, but I am not in love with him. I am in love with you and I…” I stop talking because I know I am only rambling due to my nerves. I stopped looking at them after the first few words came out of my mouth and stared at the floor. I stand there twirling my fingers, too afraid to look up. I eventually do because the silence seems to go on for too long.

I see Julian look at Lucas again and then back at me. I try searching his eyes face for any kind of hint at his anger or sadness
, but I see nothing. He eventually gives me a small smile and walks towards me. He cups my face in his hands and kisses me on my forehead before he speaks.

“Thank you for telling me, Bella. I appreciate the honesty
, but I already knew that.”

Once again, my jaw drops and my eyes widen. I stand back and gape at him. “What? How do you know?”

I see Lucas raise one hand. “I might have told him about it.”

“What?
When? Why?” I ask, dumbfounded.

“One of the times when we spoke on the phone.
I wanted to be honest with him after he spilled his guts to me. I told him what happened and that was that.” He shrugs his shoulders like it was no big deal. Meanwhile, my heart feels like it’s going to beat of my chest and flop onto the floor.

“Bella, don’t worry yourself.
It’s fine,” Julian says softly. “I won’t say I wasn’t upset at first but he told me that you guys were just friends and that you haven’t had contact past phone conversations and that I had nothing to worry about. He said he knew it might have been his only chance because he didn’t know if he’d see you again, and if he did, he wasn’t sure that it wouldn’t be without me with you.”

I look over towards Lucas and he gives me a sheepish smile. He always knew I’d go back to Julian. Did I always know that?

“Have you two been in cahoots?” I ask, narrowing my eyes at them.

They both burst into laughter.

“I wouldn’t say that, no,” Julian says.

“Cahoots, Bell?
Really?” Lucas chimes in, still laughing.

“Oh whatever,” I respond.

“Well, I will say that I’m glad we were able to be together for Christmas. I have to thank Julian for that,” Lucas says with a nod in Julian’s direction. Julian nods back.

“So you were in cahoots for this trip!” I shriek, pointing at them both.

“Well, he called and asked if I could make it and I said I’d try. I was still figuring it out when I told you hopefully we could make it happen. I didn’t know for sure yet. I was just trying to see what your reaction would be if I said I wanted to come see you, you know, since you didn’t want to let me know where you were exactly,” he said with a smirk.

“
Mmmhhmm,” I mumble. “Thank you, Julian, for setting this all up. This will be the best Christmas I’ve had in a long time. You guys, Jade, and Michelle are my family and I never want to lose any of you.”

“You’re welcome,” he says with another striking smile, obviously pleased with himself.

“Well, this is quite a dysfunctional family,” Lucas quips.

We all laugh and for the first time in a long time, my heart feels whole again.

We all walk into the living room and I go into the spare bedroom and find Jade and Michelle knocked out on the bed. I shake the bed and wake them up and tell them to meet me in the living room.

When I walk back into the living room, I see Julian placing some presents under the tree.

“Hey!” I exclaim, pointing at some of the presents. “Those are the presents I sent to you.”

“So maybe I did get a package. I just knew I was coming here and wanted to bring them so we could all open presents together.” After a brief pause he quickly continues. “I don’t think that should be co
nsidered a lie. Maybe a surprise.” He shoots me a hopeful smile.

“I guess we can call it that,” I say with my own cheesy grin. “Thanks again. This is so great, Julian. Where’s Lucas?” I ask, looking around.

“Oh, he went to the bathroom.”

We finish putting all the presents he brought under the tree and then I hear shuffling feet make their way into the room. I turn around and see Jade and Michelle looking like half
asleep kids on Christmas morning. They have their ridiculous matching pajamas, bed head and they are both yawning. Lucas walks up behind them and when he moves past them, I start cracking up. He’s wearing green pajama pants and a terrible Rudolph sweater that belongs on a seventy year old teacher or something.

“Oh
my gosh!” I say in a fit of laughter.

Jade and Michelle get a good look at him and start pointing and laughing until they fall onto the couch.

“Oh, like you guys look so much better,” Lucas replies. “I had to go find something last minute and this was all I could find. You better be happy I brought them to change into.”

“I love it. Thank you,” I say, trying to control my laughter. “We are so taking lots of pictures!”

The guys groan as the girls clap excitedly.

Lucas, Jade
, and Michelle grab presents out of their luggage and add them to the ones under the tree.

“You guys, I feel so terrible that I don’t have presents here for you,” I say to the girls and Lucas. “I had no idea you guys were bringing presents.”

Jade waves me off. “Oh please, don’t worry about it.”

“You girls’ presents are probably still in the mail…and Lucas, I didn’t have your address so I couldn’t send you anything. Sorry.” I say with an
embarrassed smile. “In my defense, if I knew you were actually going to be able to come, I would have gotten you one. That was my plan!”

“Don’t worry about it, Bell. I’ll be sure to give you my address before I leave,” he says with a wink.

We all sit around the tree and start opening presents. We ooh and ahh at some of the nice gifts and laugh at some of the gag gifts that Jade bought us all. Julian told me that he has one more that he wants to give to me privately. I hate that he told me, because now all I’m thinking about is what it could possibly be.

After the opening of all the presents
, we all pitch in to make a late lunch. Since I didn’t go get a turkey, we don’t have a traditional Christmas meal, but instead have some baked chicken and tons of sides.

Once we’ve eaten, I pull out my camera and tripod and set up in front of the Christmas tree. I make Julian put his Santa hat back on and w
ith the wireless remote in hand. I go over and pose everybody in a ridiculous amount of poses in front of the tree. We take serious photos, silly photos, photos of just the girls, and a few of me and Julian. I had to have one of me sitting on “Santa’s” lap. After I’ve officially annoyed the men with all of the picture taking, we all sit down in the living room and watch Christmas movies. I’m sitting in my oversized round swivel chair with Julian on the floor in front of me, rubbing my feet. I look over at the couch and see Lucas sitting on the chaise part of the sectional with his hands behind his head. Jade is sitting Indian style almost in the middle of the couch while Michelle is curled up into the corner with her legs folded up underneath her. They all begin laughing at something that happened on the movie and I smile because this is all I could ask for. I turn my head back towards the movie and run my fingers through Julian’s soft, brown hair. He looks up at me, smiles and winks.

This is the life.

My life and I’m happy with it.

“
Y
ou’re not going to throw up are you?” Jade asks.

“No. I’m just nervous. Do I look alright?”

“No. You look fabulous darling, just fabulous!” Jade says in dramatic fashion.

Michelle starts laughing from across the room and picks up my shoes and brings them to me.

“Okay, it’s about that time. Are you ready?” she asks.

“Yes. I’m ready.”

I slip my five inch, white satin heels on that have sparkling crystals on the cup and heel of the shoe. I take one more look in the mirror and admire my dress. It’s a satin, fitted A-line dress with sheer tulle cap sleeves that are gorgeously hand beaded. The back has a maroon strip that progressively gets larger the farther down it goes and has white designs on the edge. It’s tied up nicely with a maroon ribbon on the bodice. It’s perfect. It’s the most gorgeous wedding dress I’ve seen.

I didn’t wear a wedding dress when I married Julian four years ago. It was a small and quick ceremony that we didn’t plan at all. We were too excited to get married and didn’t really care about all the frills. This time
, I wanted the frills. It’s not going to be a big ceremony now either considering it’s only a few close friends, but we have the dress, the tux, the bridesmaids and the groomsman and the perfect location.

It’s August 16
th
. It’s mine and Julian’s four year wedding anniversary and we are renewing our vows. It was all his idea.

Eight months ago
, after Lucas, Jade, and Michelle fell asleep, Julian and I went into my bedroom and he gave me the Christmas present that he wanted to give me privately. It was a gorgeous flower rose, diamond ring. He told me that if we were going to start over, he wanted to do it right. New rings, new vows, new wedding. It was a clean slate and I couldn’t say no.

Even though we got engaged all over again, he still courted me. We went out on dates, we flirted, he bought me flo
wers and I played hard to get. It was fun. He and everybody else left after the New Year. We continued to talk and Skype and made plans for the future. He put in transfer papers to work at the office in Sacramento and started the work on selling the house. He sent boxes of stuff to my apartment and I eventually flew down to help out with selling some furniture that we wouldn’t need. We drove from Illinois to California in a U-Haul, carrying the rest of our belongings and had the most amazing road trip. We went on more dates along the way and fell in love all over again.

When we got back to California
, we started looking for a bigger house. When we finally found the perfect one, we moved in right away and with the help of our friend, Lucas. Turns out Lucas had been living in San Francisco. We couldn’t believe we had lived so close to each other. Sure, we wouldn’t see each other every day, but at least if we wanted to visit, it wouldn’t be that hard.

Lucas and Julian’s relationship is getting better. There is no hostility and the awkwardness didn’t last too long, but it was there for a little while. It probably helps that we don’t live in the same town
, but when we do get together, it’s always pleasant. Lucas is bringing a new girlfriend with him to the wedding so we can meet her. I hope she’s a good one, because Lucas deserves to be happy.

Michelle and Dylan
ended up getting a divorce, but she doesn’t seem too broken up about it. I think they’re both happier now. She’s got an apartment of her own and is doing really well. She doesn’t go out to the clubs anymore, but I think that’s a good thing.

Jade and Jackson are still going strong and he’s here for the wedding too.
Jade couldn’t be happier with him. They truly are an amazing couple. I’m sad that Jade and I don’t live close to each other anymore, but that doesn’t keep us from communicating. We talk on the phone all the time and have plans to visit each other often.

Julian and I made a deal to have one day where we asked each other any and every question we could think of.
He explained to me that Walk79 from the email I saw is the same man that stopped me from leaving the house the night I tried running away. Apparently he works with Julian and was the only one Julian informed about Cyrus and “Gage” trying to get rid of me. He trusted Walker to help him figure the whole thing out and try to keep Cyrus and “Gage” away from me.

We talked about our pasts in full detail and made sure to leave nothing out. We discussed the good, the bad
, and the ugly. We laughed and we cried, and we came out stronger than ever. We both apologized over and over for the lies we told, the secrets we kept and promised to be open and honest from then on. We then said we’d never bring up the past again. We left it there in our former house and promised to not dredge it up and fight about it. What’s done is done and we can’t go back and change it even if we want to. Bringing up old problems that we had forgiven each other for would do us no good. If we were truly starting over, it had to be with a clean slate. I believe one key to love is understanding. Understanding what each other are going through, understanding that we all aren’t perfect and understanding that true love can overcome a lot. Another key is forgiveness. Being able to accept your partner’s faults and flaws and pardoning their mistakes. One more is sharing. Sharing in all of your prosperity but also in your misfortune and conquering those problems as well as seeking new ways to intensify your happiness.

We’ve made it through some really tough times and I’m convinced that we can make it through anything. Julian truly was made for me. We complete each other and know things about one other that nobody else will ever know. We are building our trust in each other up again
, and that’s all I could ask for. We may not be perfect people, but we are perfect for each other.

With one last look at myself, I turn to my friends. “Let’s go.”

Jade and Michelle walk ahead of me. We’re having the ceremony in mine and Julian’s backyard because it’s really too beautiful back there not to. We have a maroon runner that leads from the back deck to the altar and it’s covered in white rose petals. Our guests will be sitting in white chairs that line either side of the runner. A swimming pool sits a little off to the right of where we’re having our ceremony. It’s littered with floating candles which look beautiful because it’s early evening; when the sun isn’t quite down yet but it’s not bright either. We have some lights strung up around another section of the yard that the tables and chairs are set up in for the reception. I’ve never seen such beautiful setup for such a small wedding, but we wanted to make sure it was unforgettable.

I hear the music and peek out the sliding glass doors. I see Jade and Michelle making their way
to the altar, looking stunning in their knee length bridesmaids dresses. They are maroon, spaghetti strap dresses with a sheer underlay that extends several inches past the satin material.

Once they make it to their spots, I hear the wedding march and see our guests stand up
, facing my direction. I open the doors and step outside. I see Lucas standing directly behind Julian and it makes me smile. Julian doesn’t know too many people here yet and I was surprised that he asked Lucas to stand there. I’m sure he did it for my sake, but I appreciate them both for agreeing. Lucas smiles at me and gives me a thumbs up. I smile in return and then I only have eyes for Julian. I take my time walking towards him. He gives me his heart stopping smile the entire time. He’s dressed in a white suit that fits him like a glove and has a maroon tie and pocket square to match my dress.

I slowly make my way towards my h
usband with thoughts of our future and past memories in mind. He has always been there when I truly needed him, and I look forward to many more years of us growing closer. We’ve put the past behind us and plan on moving forward and making amazing memories that will far outweigh any of the bad ones.

I arrive next to him, under the altar of beautiful flowers and gaze into his glistening
, hazel eyes. He mouths to me that I look beautiful, and I can’t stop smiling. This is my past, my present, and my future. The man who now knows everything about me and doesn’t judge me, the man that I will love unconditionally and forever. My best friend, my lover, and my husband. This is my clean slate.