The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved (17 page)

Use the power of speech to speak honest words of appreciation at home, at work, and wherever life takes you, and you will be loved more than a giver of gifts. The power of the spoken word is extraordinary when it is used to lavish appreciation upon people. Few things cause the human spirit to soar like genuine appreciation. Appreciation causes people to glow, children and adults alike. Make someone glow today!

U
SE
Y
OUR
W
ORDS
P
OWERFULLY

I

f I know nothing else, I know the power of speech. It has the ability to rouse the human spirit, or to defeat it. Speech can inspire the best in people, or discourage them beyond recovery. As children we yearn for the attention and approval of our parents; we want to hear that they are proud of us, that we have pleased them. From time to time, we hear of people whose parents never told them that they love them and we learn how devastating this can be to emotional development.

The use of speech ranges between extremes, with some people unwilling to express their feelings and others unwilling to restrain their tongues in any way at any time. People often apologize for others by saying, “I’m sorry, he has no filter between his brain and his mouth.” What could be more absurd? We are not born with that filter; we must discipline ourselves to use our speech for the betterment of our listeners.

The tongue is like money, a terrible master but an excellent servant. The discipline to govern our tongues is important in our quest to become the-best-version-of-ourselves. It is particularly important in our quest to help others achieve their essential purpose. Discipline is the way to becoming the-best-version-of-yourself, and the more we discipline the various aspects of our lives the happier we will be. This discipline is contagious in a very positive manner, as it has a way of spreading from one aspect of our lives to another and from our lives to the lives of those we love. Just transforming the way you speak is discipline enough to bring every other area of your life into focus.

The power of the spoken word can be used in our relationships for better or for worse. How are you using it? I suspect we could all stand to speak a little less about the things that matter least, and a little more about the things that matter most.

E
SCAPING THE
P
RISON OF
L
ONELINESS

W

hen it comes to relationships and intimacy, the things that matter most are those that reveal something about you. Intimacy is gained through the process of self-revelation. The first two levels of intimacy (facts and clichés) are important and useful, but only if they are the precursors of something greater and deeper.

The first two levels of intimacy are very lonely places. If we are unwilling to move beyond clichés and then facts, we build for ourselves a prison of loneliness. There may be plenty of people around, but inside we feel desperately lonely. Whether we are willing to admit it or not, in the first two levels of intimacy we are plagued by a desperate yearning to know and be known, to love and be loved.

We escape this prison of loneliness and move from the second to the third level of intimacy by moving the focus of our conversations from impersonal facts to personal facts. This is the bridge that leads to the third level of intimacy and beyond, but you have to be willing to move past discussions of the weather, sports, and the stock market, to reveal something of yourself.

If you are unwilling to tell me something about who you are and what moves and motivates you, then, quite frankly, you cannot tell me anything I can’t read in a book. You become boring and uninteresting, not because you
are
boring and uninteresting, but because you refuse to reveal yourself. If you are willing to reveal yourself, then you’ve got my attention. If you are willing to share something about you, I’m all ears, because that is something I cannot learn from a book. It is people and personalities that elevate facts and make conversations dynamic and interesting.

The second level of intimacy can be used to develop intimacy or destroy it. The choice is yours. The impersonal facts that are abundant in our lives are supposed to be a warm-up for deeper levels of intimacy. The impersonal facts should lead us to discuss how those facts affect us in deeply personal ways. The impersonal facts should lead us to reflect on our opinions, our hopes and dreams, our feelings, our faults, fears, and failures, and our real and legitimate needs. But too often we use these impersonal facts to block the possibility of intimacy.

The most devastating form of loneliness is not to be without friends; rather, it is to be surrounded by friends and never to be truly known.

Let’s face it, nobody ever became truly intimate with another person by discussing the weather, sports, or the stock market. Some may argue that these discussions were the beginning of a great intimacy, and that is quite possible, but let’s keep in mind that intimacy is the process of mutual self-revelation. We yearn to know and be known. Unlike the first level of intimacy the second level has the potential to reveal a great deal about a person, but our tendency is to focus predominantly on nonpersonal facts in this second level. Facts are easy and, like clichés, are perceived as safe, especially if they are of the impersonal variety.

But facts can be as trivial and superficial as a discussion of the weather, or as deep and self-revelatory as a discussion of one’s childhood. The second level of intimacy can be the beginning of extraordinary communication between two people, or it can be used as a substitute for communication when one or both parties have lost interest in the relationship. Facts can be personal or impersonal. Once again, the choice is ours.

We perceive the first and second levels of intimacy as safe; because we fear true intimacy. The level of clichés and the level of facts are considered very safe because they deal with objective facts and meaningless clichés. We think they are safe because they reveal nothing about ourselves. But there is no reward without risk, and the safety of the first two levels of intimacy depends on their being shallow and superficial. In using them to avoid real intimacy, we lock ourselves in the prison of loneliness. In this self-created prison of loneliness we grow increasingly frustrated, for we never cease to yearn for the one thing we have chosen to avoid: intimacy.

Are you sharing facts in order to further reveal yourself, or are you hiding behind the facts, sharing them in order to avoid sharing yourself?

Sometime in the next twenty-four hours, take a few minutes for this exercise with your significant other. If you don’t have a significant other, or if he or she is unwilling to participate, you may choose a friend. Pull two chairs very close to each other and sit so that your knees are touching your partner’s. Look into each other’s eyes, hold hands, and for three minutes each, take turns telling the other person as many
personal
facts about yourself as come to mind. Try not to lose your eye contact at any time during the three minutes, even if you cannot think of any more personal facts to share.

You will find this a powerful exercise, and it will prepare you well to discover the third level of intimacy. You may wish to repeat it this exercise in relation to each of the remaining five levels of intimacy.

As you sit knee to knee, holding hands, looking into each other’s eyes, it is amazing how powerfully the bonds of intimacy can be formed.

 

 

 

T
HE
F
IRST
M
AJOR
O
BSTACLE

O

pinions are the first major obstacle we encounter in our quest for intimacy. The realms of cliché and fact tend to be noncontroversial. They don’t require us to make ourselves vulnerable, as they do not require any significant self-revelation. The third level of intimacy is the level of opinion. Opinions tend to differ and as a result can often lead to controversy. This is where most relationships begin to find themselves in trouble. The third level of intimacy is the Pandora’s box in the process. If we don’t learn to master our experience of it, the third level will become the graveyard where we bury many of our relationships.

Most relationships put one foot into the waters of opinions and then jump straight back into facts and clichés. We witness this in conversations all the time. A group of people will be sitting around discussing a particular issue when someone expresses an opinion that someone else (or perhaps everyone else) disagrees with, is uncomfortable with, or is offended by. One of two scenarios usually follows.

Either an argument will break out, or someone will defuse the situation by employing some “surfacing technique.” These include changing the subject, making a joke, using sarcasm, and offering a practical diversion, such as asking whether anyone wants some more coffee. These techniques cause the conversation to shoot to the surface like a resurfacing submarine. We all have our favorite surfacing techniques, and we use them to get back to the cliché and fact levels where we generally feel more comfortable and less vulnerable.

Surfacing takes place in conversations and it also happens to entire relationships. If we employ surfacing techniques often enough, over time we train the people around us not to discuss certain topics. If every time someone brings up a certain subject we employ a surfacing technique, we eventually condition her or him not to go there. We use these techniques to mark our boundaries in order to avoid talking about things that make us uncomfortable. By constantly retreating to safe ground, we stay in the shallow and superficial levels of intimacy, we cut off the emotional oxygen, and our relationships begin to atrophy and die.

We want to experience the depths of intimacy. We need to experience the joy of intimacy. But we are afraid.

Like surfacing, arguing results from lack of self-awareness and maturity.

Arguing is the intellectual equivalent of having a temper tantrum, a behavior that most children outgrow by the age of four. By all means have healthy discussions, even lively debates. But arguing tends to become an emotionally charged exchange that disregards the matter at hand and quickly deteriorates into a personal attack. Surfacing moves away from the matter at hand in a more passive way, but can be equally damaging. Both arguing and surfacing distract us from the lively discussion and healthy debate that should be a part of all great relationships.

Learning to be at peace in the company of people who hold and express opinions that completely oppose your own is a sign of great wisdom and extraordinary self-awareness. Most people are simply not able to participate in a discussion without feeling that they have to convince the other person of their opinion. Are we so unsure of our own opinions that we feel threatened by people who express opposing views?

If history has taught us anything, it has taught, time and again, that people will resist with all their strength any attempt you make to impose your opinion upon them. This lesson is demonstrated every day by teenagers in every culture, as it has been demonstrated numerous times throughout history by entire peoples.

Each of us must arrive at our own opinions. We arrive at them through education, experience, and the gentle voice of reason, but never by imposition.

T
HE
I
MPORTANCE OF A
C
OMMON
G
OAL

I

t is here, in the third level of intimacy, that we come face to face with the practical importance of a common goal and purpose. If our essential purpose is to become the-best-version-of-ourselves, and if two people can mutually agree upon the pursuit of this purpose, a great many arguments and disagreements will be avoided.

Our essential purpose brings not only clarity to our lives but also a point of reference to all of our conversations. All opinions can be considered in the light of the overall goal and objective of our lives and relationships.

It is for this reason that couples who can mutually agree to make this essential purpose the goal of their relationship find themselves at a distinct advantage. This common goal provides a reference point. It becomes a point of sanity in many ways.

Most discussions that turn to disagreements that turn to arguments do so because of the failure to find common ground. Once an argument is in process, few people are able to stick to the topic; before you know it, the disagreement is going around in circles or from one point to another. Nobody is listening to anybody else, and most of the participants are more preoccupied with having their say than they are with finding common ground or coming to an agreement. More often than not, when the argument is over nobody knows what it was actually about, because it has taken so many twists and turns along the way.

But when two people (whether it is husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, parent and child, or employee and employer) can agree to place their essential purpose at the center of their relationship as their common goal, all disputes can be discussed in relation to that essential purpose.

If the disagreement is over something as simple as whether to eat takeout or soup and salad for dinner, the common goal offers a reference point for the discussion. And if the disagreement is over something as complex as whether to move your family to a new city a thousand miles from your roots, the common goal still offers a reference point. The reality, however, is that very few relationships have this shared goal, and so many disagreements escalate rapidly into arguments and then quickly degenerate into a battle between egos. Few arguments are ever resolved once they become a battle between egos. These usually result in a standoff, at best.

This is what we see dominating the third level of the great majority of relationships. Most people spend most of their time, effort, and energy in relationships trying to convince each other of their point of view, trying to impose their opinions on each other. In many cases, the conflict is not simply a clash of opinions, but rather a much more significant clash of personal goals and worldviews.

If your goal in life is simply to have as much pleasure as you can, and my goal in life is to become the-best-version-of-myself, we are going to disagree at almost every turn. Your personal goal and worldview is one of instant gratification, while mine implies delayed gratification. (But, while we are discussing delayed gratification, let me make it abundantly clear that in no way does this mean that I’m opposed to pleasure. Nor does it mean that I enjoy pleasure any less than the next person, or that it is easier for me to discipline myself than for anyone else. It simply means that I am willing, when my overall goal and purpose require it, to delay pleasure for what I perceive as a greater good.) But because our philosophies and perceived purposes greatly differ, we are going to disagree on just about everything.

This is why a commonly agree-upon purpose is essential to any great relationship. Without it, most relationships meet one of two fates: either they drop back to the superficial forms of communication (facts and clichés), or they become the stage for an ongoing and never-ending battle between two egos.

If you are in a relationship that is under the spell of the latter, the only way to resurrect it is to call a truce in the hope that both of you will recognize that the relationship is not working, and use the cease-fire as an opportunity to agree that from now on you will help each other to become the-best-versions-of-yourselves. If this is not possible, then you are more than likely to become one of those stereotypical couples who have been arguing about the same things, for months, years, decades, perhaps for the whole fifty years of their marriage. Nobody likes being around a couple like that, and nobody likes being part of such a relationship.

What’s the problem? The problem is that without an understanding of their meaning and purpose, most relationships quickly become little more than vehicles for the pursuit of selfish and individual goals. Disagreements then become a battle between conflicting interests, rather than a search for a mutually satisfying resolution.

Once the issue is individual gratification rather than collective fulfillment, all arguments become a matter of cunning, pride, and manipulation. This pride and selfishness are the death knell for any relationship. There is no intimacy here, just two people using each other for personal gratification. The result is unavoidably disastrous unless the very motive of the relationship can be changed, from the individual pursuit of gratification to the mutual pursuit of a commonly agreed-upon goal.

In our primary relationships, we must arrive at an agreement that the purpose of the relationship is to help each other become the-best-versions-of-yourselves. This common purpose will provide a touchstone of sanity in every situation and become the great guiding North Star of your relationship. I think you will find that more than 90 percent of disagreements can be settled simply by referring to and invoking the wisdom of the commonly agreed-upon goal and purpose of your relationship.

But even if you are able to place this common purpose at the center of your primary relationship, a great many people will cross your path who do not share your goal and purpose and may even set themselves against it. It is for this reason that we each must learn the arts of agreeing and disagreeing.

L
EARNING
H
OW TO
A
GREE AND
D
ISAGREE

K

nowing how, when, and why to agree or disagree can be a significantly more complex matter than it may at first seem. For some people, agreeing is a way of life; for others, disagreeing is a way of life, as if they have chosen one or the other as a default position. But if relationships are to play the role they are intended to, and help us to change and grow, then it is important to learn to agree and disagree in ways that are healthy.

Great minds and great souls seek out points of genuine agreement with people, but will not agree merely to placate someone. To reach an authentic agreement is often quite difficult, because the agreement must be
genuine
. A genuine agreement is reached when both parties can see the truth of the prevailing point of view. If people are in complete agreement, there is not much of a conversation to be had; on the other hand, the highly argumentative person, who makes a point of disagreeing with everything, can be overwhelming, intensely irritating, and quite tiresome. As with most things in this life, the optimum lies somewhere in the middle.

Agreeing with people is easy if you are willing to set all of your own personal preferences and ideas aside, but nothing is gained through such agreement. There is an art to finding and fostering genuine agreement between people, and it requires a number of disciplines that may seem counterintuitive at first.

In every discussion, we should first seek out what we can agree with in what the other person is saying. Our tendency is to race straight to our point of disagreement.

In every discussion, we should keep in the forefront of our minds that the goal of an authentic discussion is to explore the subject, not to be right. You are not a criminal lawyer who is required to argue the case and attempt to win regardless of the guilt or innocence of the client. In fact, the more each person can remove his or her ego from the discussion and focus on the subject matter, the more fruitful the conversation will be for all involved.

Always make a real effort to see the other person’s point of view. Explore the path that has brought the other person to his or her opinion. Try to understand the logic behind that opinion.

Ask yourself whether there are any circumstances in which the other person might be right. If you discover that there are, describe these circumstances and express your agreement with his or her ideas under those circumstances.

Great minds always take genuine delight when points of agreement are discovered, even when the disagreement prevails overall.

Always be open to new ideas and never shut yourself off from the possibility that you may have been wrong.

A mind open to new ideas and willing to engage in dynamic exploration of different subjects is a thing of beauty. A closed mind that is rigidly attached to previously held views and unwilling to entertain new ideas is boring and repulsive.

The art of agreeing is a social and academic grace that few people possess today. Too often, people argue in a vain attempt to assert their authority or superiority. But although the art of agreeing is important, so, too, is the art of disagreeing gracefully if we are to be true to ourselves.

There are people who disagree in a rude and aggressive way. There are other people who disagree for the sport of it, to do battle and to show that they are winning. Some disagree simply to boost their egos. Then there are people who disagree by bullying others. There are people who disagree for no other reason than to showcase their academic superiority, and there are those who disagree because they were raised to believe that is what a conversation is all about. And then there are those who disagree because they know no other way to explore a subject.