The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved (18 page)

It is often tempting to take the path of least resistance and simply agree with people, but learning to disagree in a way that maintains everyone’s dignity is critically important in relationships.

When we disagree, we should always do so politely and gently. Aggressive disagreement is no more persuasive, powerful, or valid than gentle disagreement, and often your position will be lost in the emotions created by your aggression.

Any conversation should be a sincere attempt to explore the subject at hand, not a battle between egos. Agreeing and disagreeing are a part of every conversation and every relationship. Learning to do both gracefully requires patience and humility, uncommon virtues in an age obsessed with instant gratification and self-aggrandizement.

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NDERSTANDING
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ERSUS
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CCEPTANCE

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n the third level of intimacy, it is impossible to avoid self-revelation. Every opinion says something about who we are. Our opinions also indirectly reveal our core values, expectations, and beliefs. Most people never learn to thrive in the third level of intimacy, because they never develop the maturity necessary to be with people whose opinions differ from their own. Their relationships become boring and begin to slowly die because the waters of the first and second levels cannot satisfy the human heart’s thirst for intimacy.

Acceptance is the key to the third level of intimacy. If two people can develop the acceptance necessary to respect each other’s opinions, enjoy each other’s company despite differences of opinion, and remain dedicated to a common search for truth, then something wonderful happens: the gates of intimacy swing wide open.

Another of the monumental myths propagated by our modern culture is that understanding is the key to having a great relationship. This myth affects the way we treat ourselves and the way we approach everybody who crosses our path. We spend endless amounts of emotional energy trying to figure ourselves out, and equal amounts of energy trying to figure other people out. Consciously or subconsciously, we tell ourselves. “When I understand him, I will accept him” or “When I understand her, I will love her.”

This is akin to standing at a stove and saying, “I’ll give you wood when you give me heat.”

Too often we make understanding a condition of our acceptance. We take the following position: “I don’t understand you, therefore I don’t accept you and I don’t love you.” As a result, everyone is held at arm’s length. If we are to nurture genuine intimacy, the approach that is needed is radically more proactive and positive: “I love you and I accept you, even though I don’t understand you.”

It may also be a momentous advance in self-knowledge to examine and note which approach we use with ourselves. Are you able to say, “I love myself and accept myself, even though I don’t understand myself”? Or do you hold back acceptance of self, saying, “I don’t understand myself, therefore I don’t love and accept myself”? The more we are able to accept ourselves, the more we will be able to accept others. Acceptance of others is impossible if we are not able to accept ourselves.

The secret to mastering the third level of intimacy is acceptance. We all thrive when we feel accepted. In the absence of acceptance, we erect all types of barriers and defense systems. These barriers and defenses come down only when we sense that we are safe from judgment and criticism. The essence of relationship is self-revelation, but we will not reveal ourselves if we are afraid of judgment and criticism. Acceptance gives us the courage to be ourselves and freely reveal ourselves. Nothing nurtures relationship like acceptance.

I grew up in a very male-dominated world. I have seven brothers and no sisters, and I attended all-male schools for most of my education. In the absence of much female influence or experience, my mother tried her best to educate us in the ways and needs of women. One thing she said to me when I was a child has never left me: “Women are not to be understood; they are to be accepted.” I have grown to believe that this is true not only of women, but of us all. One thing is certain, until we accept people for who they are—male or female—we will never reach the level of intimacy necessary to begin to understand them. We think that when we understand them we will accept them, but it is impossible to understand a person until you accept a person.

When two people develop the maturity to accept each other for who they are and where they are in their own journey, then, and only then, do they really begin to make progress in the quest for intimacy. In any relationship—with your spouse, your teenage child, or your boyfriend or girlfriend—the role and power of acceptance cannot be understated. How many teenagers utter little more than monosyllabic answers to their parents for weeks on end because they sense that whatever they do or say will be judged or criticized? Nonacceptance has them in an emotional fetal position. When we sense nonacceptance, we instinctively respond by withdrawing.

We place too much emphasis on understanding in our relationships, and overlook the extraordinary power of acceptance. What is this acceptance? It is simply allowing people to be themselves, rather than trying to push and cajole them into being who you want them to be or imagine them to be. Acceptance means being a benevolent witness to a person’s journey, rather than an emotionally manipulative or dictatorial force in it.

Most of the stress in our lives and in our relationships is caused by our failure to employ acceptance. Have you ever been in a situation where somebody around you was frustrated, restless, angry, and anxious over a situation he had absolutely no control over? Perhaps an accident had caused a traffic jam. All the traffic was stopped. And this person was carrying on and venting his frustrations. We could see the uselessness of his or her wrestling with the situation. It didn’t matter how frustrated, restless, angry, and anxious he became, he couldn’t change things. At that moment, the person was actually struggling against the whole universe. We see it clearly in other people, but we don’t always see it in ourselves.

I see this type of situation almost every day in airports: a plane is delayed or a flight is canceled because of weather or mechanical difficulties. At the service counter there is a man screaming at the airline agent as if she controls the weather or has an extra hundred-million-dollar aircraft in her garage at home.

We do the very same thing in our relationships. We allow ourselves to become frustrated, restless, angry, and anxious over things that are beyond our control. We wrestle with the moment and in doing so we wrestle with the whole universe. This moment is the culmination of every moment that has preceded it. Stop fighting. Stop resisting. The moment is exactly as it should be. Surrender to it. Immerse yourself in it.

When you become defensive, when you struggle with the moment, your life meets resistance. When you are critical or judgmental, your life meets resistance. When you abdicate responsibility for yourself and your situation, your life meets resistance. When you blame others for your lot in life, you meet resistance. When you refuse to accept the present moment, your life meets resistance.

We must learn to accept and surrender to those moments where we encounter resistance. There is nothing to be gained by forcing the situation. It is an exercise in futility, and, far from diminishing the resistance, will only increase it.

Acceptance is the wisdom to take people, situations, circumstances, and events as they occur, rather than constantly trying to impose our agendas and opinions upon them. Only when we arrive at the wisdom of acceptance do we begin to truly live. Acceptance liberates us. It sets us free to enjoy the moment.

There is a simple prayer of anonymous origins and generally referred to as the Serenity Prayer that has often helped me to celebrate acceptance: “Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

All great things can be achieved only with a light heart. Intimacy is a great thing. It will evade and avoid those who try to control it and those who approach it with heavy hearts, but it will freely give itself to those who approach it with light hearts and gentle spirits. Acceptance gives us that lightheartedness.

While there are many material advantages to living in present times, in some ways modern life places us at a distinct disadvantage in our quest for intimacy. The intellectual demeanor of post-Enlightenment culture fosters a skeptical, sometimes cynical approach that leads us to instinctively question everything. As a result we tend to discount everything that cannot be clearly understood, proven in accepted scientific forms, and explained. While this may be beneficial to our intellectual development, you can see from the preceding discussion of the important role acceptance plays in fostering intimacy how the modern intellectual demeanor leaves us at a distinct disadvantage in our efforts to experience the depths of intimacy.

You cannot understand everything. The universe is full of mysteries. There is hidden meaning behind every event, and each moment is inviting you to become the-best-version-of-yourself. Whatever relationships you find yourself in at this very moment, you have attracted them to your life. You have done so in order to learn from them. If you allow them to, these very relationships, as troubled and turbulent as they may seem, will teach you important lessons and powerfully assist you in your quest to become the-best-version-of-yourself.

Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to accept everyone else’s opinions and suppress your own. It simply means that you accept other people for who they are and where they are, and recognize that their opinions are the product of their own unique experience of life.

One of the best ways to foster acceptance in your heart, mind, and relationships is to remain open to new ideas. Great minds and souls never completely close themselves off to the possibility that they may be wrong, even when it concerns the ideas, beliefs, opinions, and values they hold dearest. Conversely, mediocre minds and souls tend to be rigidly attached to their ideas and opinions; as a result, very rarely do they change or grow. This closed-minded rigidity is one of the significant impediments that prevent them from ever reaching their full potential. For an honest dialogue to take place, both parties must be willing to entertain the idea that their previously formed ideas, beliefs, and opinions may be wrong. Very few people are secure enough in themselves and their opinions to do this. It is our uncertainty and insecurity that cause us to hold so tightly and narrow-mindedly to our opinions—not our certainty, as we would so often have others believe.

Try always to remain open to new ideas. If you do, I think you will find it much easier to accept people and the great variety of their opinions. One way to foster this acceptance is to develop an understanding of what forms such a variety of opinions in different people.

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pinions are the most common cause of conflict within relationships, because they give rise to the expectations, beliefs, and the core values that direct our lives. Learning to resolve the conflicts that arise from differing opinions is just one part of nurturing a dynamic relationship. Learning to agree and disagree gracefully is an important component of the conflict resolution process, but it is also important to understand what causes different people to hold different opinions. Why do some good and honest people so fervently hold one view, while other good and honest people with equal fervor oppose it?

Our opinions are largely influenced and formed by experience, education, and friendship. The places we go, the books we read, the schools we attend, and the people we surround ourselves with all have a tremendous influence upon our opinions.

The first realization in our effort to thrive in the third level of intimacy should be that opinions are not static and permanent. Opinions come and go; they are forever changing. The opinions I hold today on a whole variety of issues are dramatically different from what they were ten years ago, and my opinions of ten years ago are vastly different from those I held as a teenager. My opinions are constantly changing, growing, evolving, and being refined.

Once we realize that the opinions we have today are not the same as the opinions we had ten years ago, we realize that the same is true of the people we love, and with that insight we are set free to accept other people and their differing opinions. That opinions are not permanent is an important truth, which we often overlook.

Your opinions are being refined and changing every day, and so are the opinions of your children, parents, friends, colleagues, and significant other. As we become increasingly aware that our own opinions are constantly evolving, we become increasingly tolerant of other people’s differing opinions. We are all works in progress. We are all at different points in the journey, and while someone may have a certain opinion today, it doesn’t mean that they will always hold that opinion. But if we back him into a corner, aggressively argue with him, let the conversation deteriorate into a personal battle, and make the dispute a matter of pride, he is likely to respond in a rigid and close-minded manner. By your behavior, you can impede his ongoing journey and close the door on authentic intimacy.

Other people’s experience of life up to this moment has led them to hold certain opinions, and future experiences will likely cause them to refine those very same opinions. It is not necessary to fight it out. Certainly you can present your ideas, present your opinions, have a lively discussion about the issue, but you have to realize and trust that the other person is at a different point in her journey. Life is going to give her the experiences she needs to become the-best-version-of-herself. Your role is not to impose your opinions.