The Shadowcutter (24 page)

“I think so,” she said. “I have Sukey and Lady Maria to look after me.”

“You have a made a good friend there,” said Giles.

“I never really had a friend before,” she said. “I do like it. And we have all this music to work through! If it is not wrong to play when that poor man died so horribly? Lady Maria was worried that Lady Rothborough might think so.”

“He would have liked such music in life, from what I saw of him,” said Giles. “And I should not want the world to fall silent if I died. I would be happier to think of it carrying on, even if I did not.”

Laura nodded.

“Did I hear Mr Carswell out there?” she said.

“Yes.”

“I thought he could not come here,” she said, puzzled.

“Circumstances demanded it. But we will be gone soon enough.”

“Oh.”

“Would you like to see him? I shall fetch him in.”

“He will not want to see me,” she said.

“What makes you think that?”

“He will be angry with me again.”

“No, he will be delighted with you. You have done so well – I have been telling him how well you have done! Let me go and fetch him for you, yes?”

He did not allow her to demur but let go of her hands and went to the door, expecting to find Carswell and Lady Maria still in the great passageway. But they were no longer there.

“You see,” Laura said, coming to his side, “he has run away from me. And now you are going –”

“Yes, I know, I know,” he said, turning to take her in his arms, “but it cannot be prevented. But you have Lady Maria and Sukey. They will take care of you, I know it. Think of that pile of music, yes?”

She leant against him, clinging to him, her cheek pressed against his shirt front. He sensed her struggling to steady herself, not to give way to her demons and felt in awe of her courage. He dropped a kiss onto her head and wondered if it were possible to take her him with him. He was planning that they should go on horseback across the moors. In such fine weather, she might ride too, and benefit from that. But that would have its risks and difficulties, as much as leaving her behind at Holbroke. So he kissed her again and hoped that all would be well.

In the reflection of one of the pier glasses he saw Lady Warde enter the room by the door in the far corner, dressed as usual in her dismal black.

“Oh, forgive me,” she said, and left again. Giles could not help but turn and look at her as she departed. She appeared to be in darker, fresher mourning than previously, her crepe renewed, as if she had put it on to honour her dead maid.

Laura detached herself from him and went to the glass, and adjusted her ringlets, which he had disarranged in embracing her.

“I will manage. I will show you I can,” she said.

-0-

Felix had followed Holt up to Major Vernon’s dressing room, wanting to wash his face and steady his nerves. Lady Maria’s effusive outpouring had left him shaking. Her warmth, her hands on his cheeks, her tear-filled eyes had been at once too much for him, and at the same time joyously right. She had an ardent frankness about her that impressed him profoundly. If Lady Charlotte had met his gaze and then sent him back to his work, clearly struggling with these strange emotions as he had, Lady Maria had embraced them, and by that, had made him face them too. It had been impossible not let some tears leak from his own eyes and feel something of the same giddy happiness she professed. It was so strange – she had kept saying that – and he had nodded, and taken her hands and squeezed them, and sat there by her side, feeling as if the air had gone from the room. At the same time he remembered that strange moment with Dona Blanca, when the scent of her perfume had taken his heart to a place that his mind had struggled to believe in.

Upstairs he found Sukey sitting at the window, doing some sewing. Holt at once busied himself packing the Major’s things. Felix excused himself and went out to the passageway. He wanted to speak to her but he could not in front of Holt.

As if reading his mind, she followed him out of the room.

“I was wondering, do you have any orders for me about Mrs Vernon?” she said, with quiet formality.

“No, I leave it all quite in your hands. You are well able to deal with anything that may come up. And Lady Maria will –” He broke off. “I have just met her.” He could not keep his voice from breaking.

Sukey reached out, touched his shoulder briefly and nodded.

“It was strange,” he burst out. “She was crying and –”

“Of course it was,” she said. “Of course. Your own sister.”

Her hand was on his shoulder again, and he grabbed it, and held it in both his and bent and kissed it. She did not flinch or withdraw, and he raised his eyes to meet hers.

“One day,” he managed to say. “One day, you and I will sit and talk and we will have time, and it will be –”

“Maybe,” she said, touching his cheek. “Maybe not.”

“It will be,” he said. “I promise. One day.” But then she shook her head and pulled her hand away. “Believe me, please Sukey, I am not going to trifle with you. I could never. This is too –”

“That’s not what I am afraid of,” she said, walking away a little, turning from him. “You don’t know me, that is the trouble, you don’t really know what I am at all. There are things that –” She broke off.

Felix laughed nervously.

“Your past sins must be trivial compared to mine!” he managed to say. “Believe me!” And he went to her and folded his arms about her. “I don’t care.”

She permitted the embrace. Indeed, he understood that she wanted it. She yielded against him, and her lips met his with a rough eagerness that left him startled and hungry. She was, like him, fiery with desire. Then she broke away, remembering herself. He saw her brush her lips with her fingertips, as if his kisses had left visible marks that need to be removed.

“Just don’t build any castles in Spain,” she said, and reached to straighten his cravat. “Now, you have to be on your way.”

Then, like a cat, she slipped away and back into the dressing room, leaving him standing there in a state of astonishment.

He walked down the long passageway, unable to comprehend the meaning of this encounter, except that he was left aching for more. He turned into the great staircase hall and saw Major and Mrs Vernon coming upstairs.

The Major turned to his wife and said quietly, “I think, perhaps, you and Mr Carswell should talk a little? Yes?”

Mrs Vernon was as reluctant as Felix felt, but the Major insisted. He was correct to do so. She was still his patient and he had to remember his duty towards her. So they were left together in the dazzling light of the great sculpture gallery that spanned the first floor of the house.

A consultation in such a place was hardly ideal. At the centre was the prize of Lord Rothborough’s collection: a Canova of two luscious white marble nymphs, dancing barefoot on a plinth of red polished granite, their voluptuous figures wrapped in the slightest, most clinging draperies.

“Perhaps we should sit down?” he suggested, indicating the padded bench which had been placed under the great window at the far end.

She nodded meekly and he sat down with her. He reached for her hand and took her pulse, which was steady and strong.

“Have you been troubled any more by those headaches?”

She shook her head. Her complexion certainly looked improved. There was a becoming flush to her cheeks which had been for a long time grey and sallow, like those of a prisoner.

“And what have you eaten today?”

“I have been very good,” she said.

“Tell me exactly.”

“I had chocolate and toast for breakfast – two pieces – the toast is nice here. And just now I had a little cake and half a glass of wine. Lady Rothborough made me have those.”

“That’s very good. Bravo Lady Rothborough! And bravo Mrs Vernon.”

“So you are not angry with me?” she said.

“I was not angry with you.”

“You were. At Stanegate, you were.”

“I am sorry, I did not mean that. But I was not angry with you, Mrs Vernon. I am sorry if it seemed so. Will you forgive me?”

“You said I was wrong to pick those flowers.”

“Forgive me?” he said again.

She did not answer. Instead she glanced around her, at the stupefying grandeur of the room, and said, “I don’t know why you are here. I thought you could never be here. I upset Lady Augusta by talking about you. But Lady Charlotte and Lady Maria were not upset.”

“No. They have been very kind – to all of us. And they will take good care of you while Major Vernon and I are away. And if you feel afraid or anxious – if those disturbing thoughts return – remember how we spoke of this before?”

“Yes.”

“So, what is it you must do?”

“To take up some work – or play the piano.”

“And speak to Sukey as soon as you can,” he said. “She will keep you straight.”

“Yes,” she nodded.

“And I am forgiven?” he said.

She pursed her lips for a moment and nodded. Then she burst out, “But I wish you didn’t have to go! I wish it could be how we were before we went to Stanegate, when you came in every day to see me and talk to me. I wish, oh I wish that –”

“But you do not need me so much, now,” he said. “You do not need me everyday. That is because you are so much improved – it is the best outcome.”

“I know, I know,” she said. “But, but – sometimes I feel that I will crumble again. You have been so kind to me, so patient and you have understood everything, in a way that no-one has ever understood. How can I do without you? How can I bear it? I need you still,” she said, grasping his sleeve with her arm. “I know you don’t think so, and I’m sure you’re right. But it hurts me to think that I’ll never, ever see you like I used to. I know I must get on with this new life, and be brave and strong, and you have told me all that so often, but sometimes, I don’t think I can do it. And now you are sitting here, like this –” She clutched at his arm even more strongly now. “I wish you did not have to go.”

“But I must,” he said, gently detaching her hand. But she caught his hand and knotted her fingers about his, locking them fast. He tried to pull them away but with little success.

“I love you so very much,” she said in a whisper. “I want you to know that. I love you. Sometimes, in my dreams, I find I am your wife. I dream that... that –”

“No, please, ma’am, please do not let your mind go there. It is not good for you.”

He managed to detach his hand and got up from the bench. He had feared this declaration for some time, but the reality of it still hit him hard. He had handled matters badly for it to come to this. He had undone so much good work. He should have acted earlier and more harshly to prevent it, he knew, but he still had no idea how he might have managed it, just as he had no idea how to deal with this now.

“It is very good,” she said, gazing up at him, her eyes wide. “And I will not let you deny me that! You cannot stop me from loving you, Mr Carswell. I shall, until the day I die!”

“I think we should find Sukey,” was all he could manage to say, and went and held the door open for her.

He took her back to her room – they walked along the long passage way in the most painful silence. Mercifully Sukey was still there, and Holt, who was taking his master’s luggage down.

A moment later Major Vernon came in to take his leave. Just as Felix departed, he saw the Major take his wife in his arms and kiss her on the lips. She tipped back her head and accepted his kiss, her eyes closed tight. Was she imagining kissing him? He hurried back to the stairs and went down, stopped only to look back once, feeling he was observed, and indeed, Sukey was standing on the landing, leaning over the rail, mouthing a silent farewell.

-0-

Lord Rothborough had proposed accompanying them to Ardenthwaite but Major Vernon had, by some means or other, managed to stall him, much to Felix’s relief. It was going to be hard enough to explain to his parents why they were there, without Lord Rothborough complicating matters.

It was an easy few miles to the house, for which Felix was grateful, as he was for the large, well-mannered roan mare that had been loaned to him from the Rothborough stables. She was a creature of perfect temperament, who did not need to be mastered or even much guided, and Felix attempted to put his confused thoughts in some order as they approached Ardenthwaite.

They now turned into the long avenue of ancient oak and chestnut which Felix had never seen in full leaf before. The magnificence of it provoked Holt to say, with an appreciative sigh, “There’s no finer sight than that. I remember seeing an avenue like this rooted up when I was a boy, and it broke my heart. You are a lucky gentleman, Mr Carswell, to have this to your name.” He touched his brim to Felix, in a rare gesture of respect.

At this moment Felix caught sight of a familiar figure at the end of the avenue. The Rev James Carswell stood, black-cloaked and leaning on his shepherd’s staff. He looked like a travelling friar or perhaps an Old Testament Prophet. Felix felt a sudden sick dread, as if the old man were waiting to give terrible news, and hastened his horse forward, past Major Vernon and Holt, before hastily and clumsily dismounting, in order to go the last few yards on foot.

“Is everything – She is...?” he blurted out.

“Comfortable enough,” said his father.

“I want to see her,” Felix said, struggling with the bridle of his horse.

“Let me take that, sir,” said Holt, riding up and coming to his aid. He trotted off with the horse in his charge.

“She is resting,” Mr Carswell said. “The change of place upset her. You might have predicted that.”

“Yes, indeed, it was a risk, but I thought she would be better here, and you must concede –”

“You thought? I had the impression this was all Lord Rothborough’s doing. After all he was the one who wrote to me to tell me we were to be dispatched like, oh, l don’t know, like clocks to be mended. His Lordship says something and it is done! Of course!”

“I am sorry at the manner in which is was done, yes, but it is for the best. Surely you can see that, Papa?”

“And I am informed by the housekeeper,” his father went on, “that this is your house? How can that be?”