The She-Hulk Diaries (34 page)

“Did you come to talk to me about hairstyles?” he said, and he lifted his blue eyes to Dahlia’s crazy turquoise ones. I saw her hide a smile as she looked around the room, with its bookshelves and religious icons.

“Adam, I wanted to introduce myself and learn exactly what you’re doing here in this shop,” I said, keeping my tone both friendly and businesslike.

“Am I doing something wrong?” he asked earnestly.

“I don’t know until you tell me what you’re doing to the Joocey Jooce cups. It’s something that makes people nicer.”

He dipped his head downward into shadow, and I realized where I’d seen the same gesture on someone exactly the same size and build. “You’re the one who helped She-Hulk with the moonbeam raygun!”

He looked up quickly. “How did you know?”

“There was a surveillance camera in the office building,” I said quickly. “She-Hulk showed me the video. We often consult with each other on legal matters.”

“Everyone knows that Jennifer is Shulky’s dear friend and associate,” Dahlia offered. “I’m also friends with the jade goddess. Isn’t her hair amazing?”

“Let’s talk about Joocey Jooce,” I said. “What exactly are you doing with the company?”

Adam said, “Please have a seat,” and indicated the floor.

After we all sat cross-legged on the old industrial carpet, he said, “When I first came to New York, I met the Joocey Jooce founders, Joe and Anat, at their cart in the park. They always gave me free smoothies and fruit because I didn’t have any money. They were so nice. I wished everyone would be that nice.”

“New Yorkers aren’t supposed to be nice,” Dahlia said.

“They let me do errands and even let me sleep on their sofa. Joe loaned me his library card, and I spent my free time there, learning about lots of things, including business. I gave them ideas on production and marketing.”

“Did they pay you?”

“They gave me part of the company, and I guess they set up a bank account for me, but all I want is a place to do my experiments and keep my pets,” he said. “I thought about using the cups to help people be nicer.”

“How did you do it?” I asked.

“I was fascinated by the idea that graphics could be used for messaging on a more intuitive level. There are certain symbols and shapes that recur in civilizations throughout history. Humans respond to them. I experimented with designs until I came up with one that had a pacifying, cheering effect.”

“The PLAY NICE! image,” I said.

“It’s an extremely precise graphic. One percentage point of difference and the logo is merely a line drawing.”

“What’s the other part? Drugs?”

“Gosh, no! I use a blend of chamomile, a touch of rosemary, lemongrass, and other traditional herbal medicines. The flavors, which are in the covers and straws, are mildly pleasing on an almost subliminal level. The scent has aromatherapy qualities that induce a sense of well-being. It took a lot of experimentation, but the effect both soothes and stimulates the mind and senses.”

“Would you provide me with covers and straws so I can have them tested?”

“Of course,” he said. “Joocey Jooce is completely organic.”

“And tasty,” Dahlia said, and just then an awful yipping-snorting-snuffling sound came from her tote. She smiled and said, “That’s Rodney.” She unsnapped the flap cover, and the dreadful little dog’s head popped out.

As we were both shouting “No!” Adam reached over and picked up the dog. I waited for the puny beast to bare his pointy needle teeth and begin his speedo biting. To my astonishment, Rodney licked Adam’s face and nestled happily in his hands.

I have seen many fantastical things in my life, and this was one of them. Dahlia and I exchanged
OMG!
glances.

“What a nice little puppy, or is it a rat-dog hybrid?” Adam smiled and scratched Rodney’s belly.

“Rat,” I said while D said, “Dog.”

“I like both,” Adam said. “The Joocey Jooce motto is only a motto, but a gentle reminder has a cumulative effect, especially since everyone wants to be nice.”

“Most people, but there are dangerous exceptions,” I said. “You witnessed a miscreant destroying a bank and trying to kill She-Hulk.”

He smiled disarmingly. “I also saw She-Hulk and the NYPD helping others at the risk of their own lives.”

I asked him how he’d come to be at the moonbeam raygun attack, and he told us that he’d just dropped off Joocey Jooce coupons for Claude and he heard the commotion. “Everyone said that She-Hulk would come to stop it, so I ran to the bank, hoping to meet her. I entered the adjacent office building intending to go to the roof and see if I could help from there, because I hoped maybe she could help me in return.”

“But you didn’t ask for her help,” I said.

He looked embarrassed. “I’m just no one and she’s She-Hulk.”

“Adam,” I said carefully, remembering his superhuman power and speed. “Where do you come from?”

He frowned. “I don’t know.”

“You must come from somewhere,” Dahlia said gently. “I come from El Paso, which is just as bad as everyone says it is.” She reached over and squeezed his arm, which was muscular for a guy interested in aromatherapy, but common for a superhuman.

“Tell us how you thought She-Hulk could help you, Adam,” I said.

He spread out his hands and I saw the scars all over his fingers. “The first thing I remember is a fire. I was in the flames and in agony. I crawled out, yanking off my burning shirt and pants. I was in an almost empty room with a cement floor and cement walls. I grabbed a large vacuum canister from a counter because I knew it was important, but I didn’t know why. I ran outside and kept running as fast as I could for hours. I had no concept of time or distance. I stopped when I saw trees and shrubs. I hid there, because I knew someone had tried to kill me.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t even know how to speak yet. Some of the homeless people gave me clothes and watched out for me,” he said. “I crouched in the shrubs and listened to conversations, and language came to me—not just English, but all the languages I heard—Japanese, German, Croatian, Dutch, Hindi—the words made sense. I’d eat whatever I found in the trash bin near the Joocey Jooce cart. Joe and Anat began leaving food for me. I was afraid at first, but they were patient. They brought me shoes, a sleeping bag, and other things.”

“When was this?” I asked.

“A few years ago, I think. I’m not sure because time was different to me,” he said. “My friends helped me find this place, and Claude was so nice he let me stay in exchange for work. He’s a very nice man.”

“He thinks you’re very nice, too,” I said. “Adam, have you learned or do you remember anything else about who you are or who tried to kill you?”

“No. There’s no missing person report on me.” He waved toward all the philosophy and science books on the shelves. “Who I am is not as interesting as
why
I’m here. I think I must be here to do good things for people. I just don’t know what exactly.”

“You did good by helping She-Hulk,” I said. “Adam, I believe you’re a superhuman.”

Dahlia gasped and said, “OMG, really?” and Adam looked a little confused.

“It would explain your strength, speed, and ability to learn so rapidly. It would also explain why someone tried to kill you. For every good-hearted superhuman, there’s one who is bent on destruction.”

“Am I an alien?” He pinched his arm. “What does an alien feel like?”

“You look like an Earth human to me. I can’t say if your super traits are inherited or acquired. Would you like me to ask She-Hulk to see if she can discover more about you?”

He agreed, so I took photos of him, and then I quizzed him about his other abilities.

“I can solve a Rubik’s Cube.”

“So can I,” Dahlia said.

“With your eyes shut and with your toes?”

Dahlia looked at me. “Are flexible toes a super ability?”

“No, but sensing without seeing is. Adam, you mentioned a vacuum canister. What was in it?”

“I don’t know. I still have it in the refrigerator. I’ve run rudimentary tests on the contents with my limited equipment. All I’ve discovered is that it’s not radioactive, explosive, or poisonous.”

“Keep it secure. When we find out more about you, we may find out more about the contents. I’d like you to keep a low profile. Whoever tried to kill you is still out there.”

I stood, and Dahlia stood more reluctantly.

“Thank you for visiting, Jennifer.” He gazed at D and handed her back Rodney, who whined. “Dahlia, it was very nice meeting you and Rodney. If Rodney would like to come back to play with any of my pets, he’s always welcome.”

“We’re available anytime you want to talk,” she said sweetly, cramming the dog back in her tote, “or to show us any other interesting abilities.”

I suddenly wondered what else this odd young man had been doing with his genius, and said, “Adam, are any of your other pets rats?”

He smiled in wonder. “Yes, they are, Jennifer! They’re upstairs if you want to meet them.”

“No, thank you. Have you been altering rats through gene splicing or mutations?”

“How did you know! It seemed so sad to me that such an intelligent animal should not be living in better harmony with personkind. It’s the tail, you know, the hairless tail that bothers people, as well as their nocturnal behavior. I thought that people would like them if they could see how cute and smart they are.”

“That was you!” Dahlia said, excitedly. “I must have watched that fluffy rat video a dozen times.”

“Your intentions were wonderful, Adam,” I said, “but happy, frolicsome daytime rats freak people out. It’s unnatural.”

Dahlia gave him a sympathetic look. “When I was a girl, I had a pet rat named Oscar and he was the best pet ever. But you can’t change attitudes overnight.”

I advised Adam not to release any more of his pets/biological experiments, and we said good night.

When we’d left the lot, Dahlia murmured, “I wonder what else he’s good at in the dark.”

“I
knew
you were wondering that.”

“So do superhuman men have superhuman, you know…”

I was glad she couldn’t see me blush. “Some of them. But trust me when I tell you that a nice guy without superhuman, uh, accessories is a better boyfriend in every way than a superhuman who’s a jerk.”

“You’re ruining all my fantasies, poodle. How often do superhumans go missing?”

“Frequently. Do you remember that time I said I was transferred to France? I was stuck on another planet,” I said. “I
still
haven’t been to Paris.”

“You sent me postcards!”

“Ruth sent you postcards.”

“Well that explains the kittens in berets.” She opened the rear door of the car and got into the backseat. “I’m going to lie down here and close my eyes while you drive back. A little adventure goes a long way.”

I sent Adam’s photo to Ruth with a message asking her to check the Missing Superhumans Database and cross-reference it with any reports of a fire in the US or Canada. Adam could have run hundreds of miles.

What were the chances that my former PFLOML’s tenant was a superhuman amnesiac? In this city, a lot.

• What is Adam’s real identity?
  
• What is the cause of his superhuman abilities?
  
• Is he connected to Superbrat?
  
• Who tried to kill Adam and why?
  
• What is in the insulated canister and why is it important?
  
• Should I include warehouse rentals as housing possibilities, and does my visit to Adam count as a social activity? I think it probably should.
  

Dahlia instantly crushed on Adam. She liked his smile, his muscles, and especially his appreciation of Rodney. Why don’t I feel that way about Sven, who is stunning, brilliant, successful, cultured, and interested in me? I really, really don’t want to talk to Dr. Rene Alvarado about my love life, but maybe he can help.

That’s just how desperately clueless I am about romance: I am actually hoping that a trippy hippie brain shrinker can give me advice.

Went to see Dr. Rene Alvarado today. He was very happy that I’d come. I know because he told me so and because he kept tugging at his scruffy beard as if he couldn’t believe his good fortune. Nelson would say that he has an engaging smile, but I feel that there’s a fine line between “engaging” and “smarmy.” This is how our conversation went: