The She-Hulk Diaries (9 page)

I credited myself with 50 points for making a new friend. However, friends can be lifelong, so I may bump up the points.

To continue my friendship/social credits, I checked the Forestiers site and saw that I had an email from the game master. He liked the profile I’d created for LadyGreene and gave me helpful tips on selecting skills so that my character wouldn’t get killed quickly.

I wrote him a thank-you and congratulated myself for scoring extra life/work balance points.

So I was already feeling as if I’d achieved meaningful accomplishments when my phone rang with the most wonderful, awesome, OMG, amazing news! QUIRC offered me the job! We’ve got to negotiate the contract, but they hope that once we get through the paperwork I’ll be able to sign with them right away. There are still three weeks until Valentine’s Day and Goal #1 is accomplished. Five hundred points!

I phoned Dahlia, who said, “That means you’ll be seeing Ellis all the time!”

“I hadn’t thought of that.”

“Liar, liar, pants on fire! You absolutely did. You’ve probably been fantasizing about his size-proportionate man-handle nonstop.”

“I have not!” I was glad she couldn’t see my red face.

“Whatever. If you’re really not going to make a play for Ellis, then you have to treat every other man you meet as a potential future-love-of-your-life, hereafter to be known as PFLOYL.”

“Dahl, I just took a ginormous step toward my Valentine’s Day Resolutions. I don’t need to rush into finding a potential future love of my life, hereafter to be known as PFLOML.”

“Thank you for your attention to detail, but I think you do, because one of your resolutions was a date for V-Day!”

“It was, but I amended it to compensate for the delayed start of my resolutions.”

“I am not accepting your justifications for being a dating-chicken. Start looking for your PFLOYL stat! Don’t eliminate anyone with the XY chromosome, or is it XX? I’m sending you a big smacking kiss congratulations! We’ll celebrate soon.”

“Without Rodney.”

“Without Rodney and
with
cocktails.”

In the interest of full disclosure: I will admit that I have thought about Ellis
occasionally frequently
nonstop since meeting him again. However, I am fully aware that he is engaged and that any future association will be friendly and appropriate.

I left a message telling Holden my news and offering to take him out for a drink soon.

I called Amy, who was thrilled that I’ll be at QUIRC and glad that I had already recruited Nelson as a new Forestier. “I think this is going to be your year, Jen.”

“Amy, can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Does anyone ever call you ma’am?”

“Only all the time! Take it as a sign of respect for your status. I dated a Texan who used to call me that even in the bedroom. God, how I miss that man,” she said.

“Amy, are you seeing anyone?”

“Since last week? No, I’m still New York’s most eligible bachelorette, besides you, natch. Okay, I’m sending you info on our next Forestiers meet-up. A stage-fighting director is going to lead the group, so it will be fun. Bring something to use as a weapon.”

I thought longingly of She-Hulk’s broadsword at the Mansion, but that was too heavy for me to lift. “I’ll make something out of cardboard and foam core. See you then, Amy.”

Returned from picking up my five new black business suits, which look and fit amazing, fulfilling one of my goals. The Velcro releases and snaps aren’t visible, and the clothes are sleek on my body. I practiced stripping out of them until I got my time down to seven seconds. I didn’t include panty hose removal because that’s hopeless.

I ordered wholesale lots of panty hose in nude, matte sheer, sheer satin, opaque, and patterns for fun. The only good advice Tony Stark ever gave me was “Spare no expense on those incredible legs, baby.”

I’m counting the suits and stockings as 75 points, so my score this week is already 500 + 50 + 75 = 625. It’s only sensible to allow myself to carry over extra points since I can’t be expected to get a new job every week. If my total goal is 5200 points/year, then I only have to accrue 4575 more points for my resolutions to be a success!

Back to the topic of attire: I really want stylish boots that I can wear to work and wear out. Tony was always talking about how sexy the other girls at the Mansion looked in their boots. I will make stealthy inquiries about modified leather that can expand to fit She-Hulk’s big old feet. If I figure that out, I’d give myself 200 points. Or 300 even, because boots are important.

I don’t know what category to put Claude in because he’s not job-related or cultural, but he is a man and Dahlia would say he qualifies as a romance interest, at least chromosomally.

I went down to talk to my doorman/PFLOML, during his break in the little office behind the lobby. I’d figured out that the crux of his tax problem was nonpayment on a rental property in Queens. I told him that and mentioned that he’d also missed significant deductions.

My PFLOML scratched his head and gave me the following info:

• The building had been his uncle’s welding shop.
  
• The current tenant worked for Joocey Jooce, which explained the coupons.
  
• Claude was not a Joocey Jooce aficionado because citrus gave him acid reflux, but he did enjoy a warm glass of milk before bed.
  
• Said tenant was named Adam, might be foreign, didn’t have a phone number or a last name, and had done electrical and plumbing upgrades in lieu of rent.
  
• Adam was a “heck of a nice guy” and “a little funny if you know
  what I mean,” accompanied by a circular movement of Claude’s forefinger near his temple.
  
• The “heck of a nice guy” had secured the property with guard dogs and a fence topped with concertina wire.
  
• No lease agreement had been signed.
  

Trust and generosity are traits I want in a future husband, but I thought Claude was carrying things too far, because he said, “A man is only as good as his word. Adam and me shook and agreed that when he did better, I’d raise the rent to something fair.”

I was beginning to doubt that Claude and I had a passionate future together (especially since he told me that he’d just celebrated his fortieth anniversary), but I told him that I would try to resolve the nonpayment of rent.

I tracked down the contact info for Joocey Jooce’s CEO and CFO and fired off an email. I was able to draw upon my vast experience with eviction notices to make it sound impressive.

My job celebration dinner was French dip sandwiches with Dahlia at a new gastropub on DeKalb, and we went to the lounge next door for drinks. I didn’t comment when Dahlia, who is a vodka drinker, ordered a gin gimlet. Instead, I sipped my basil margarita and talked about QUIRC and apartment hunting.

On her second drink, D said, “You were the big Fringe Theory fan, not me, so I never paid too much attention to their songs. I looked up their discography and found many, many songs with references to gin.”

“It’s an easy rhyme.”

“Especially with sin.” Dahlia took out her phone. “What’s Tony Stark’s phone number?”

“That is a high-security number. I am not authorized to release it.”
She glared at me with those scary turquoise contacts, and I caved and told her. “You can’t call him! What are you going to say?”

She sucked in her cheeks and after a moment told me, “Eetz ringing. Here is hiz message,” and then she pitched her voice higher and said, “Toneeee, zees eez Claudette. You must dream of how we had ze most spendid ooh, la la. I am missing ze, how you say, ze cycle and you are ze papa! Alors, I ham talking to my attorneez today. You weell be zo happy with le famileee, Toneee! Sink of a name. Je adore Hasselhoff. Hasselhoff Stark!”

I was laughing so hard that my margarita went up my nose, which Dahlia thought was hilarious. Finally, I said, “It won’t work. He’ll never believe it because…” But how do you tell someone your genius ex-boyfriend invented microscopic nanobots to retrieve wayward sperm? You don’t.

I really didn’t want to go all the way out to Queens, but I was feeling protective about my trusting PFLOML. Some unnamed superhero, whose name might rhyme with Baloney Snark, always took advantage of the transportation services offered by our organization even when he already had drivers, aircraft, jetpacks that didn’t burn your butt, etc. He used to say, “Take care of the pennies and the multibillions will take care of themselves.” People always laughed the same way they do when Shulky jokes. If you’re rich or powerful, everyone assumes you’re incredibly witty, too.

I don’t exploit the system, so I had to take the tedious slow route of a train, a bus, and a long walk. The industrial neighborhood was eerily quiet.

Claude’s property was at the end of a block. A chain-link fence surrounded a two-story brick building with an office on one side and an empty parking lot. The building had a roll-down metal gate with a faded sign reading
VINCE’S WELDING
. Yellowed venetian blinds covered the windows.

A heavy chain and lock secured the gate. I rang the buzzer a few times and waited. No one answered. I rang again and waited. There was one security camera, aimed toward the office door.

I circled the perimeter of the property, casually looking for signs of life and more surveillance equipment. The rear roll-up gate was shut, too, but as I approached, a pack of massive mutts burst out from a dog door and began snarling and lunging at the fence.

Foam drooled from their gaping jaws, and their dark eyes shone in the night. Looking at them reminded me of how I yearned for a real dog—something non-Rodneyish—but pets needed a place with a yard and an owner with regular hours. D couldn’t dog-sit for me because Rodney didn’t play well with others.

The whole setup seemed peculiar. Why would an employee of a juice company need so much security and such an out-of-the-way location?

I felt that I had done due diligence. Shulky could figure it out another time, so I went home.

Woke up and found that Dahlia had sent me a message that said,

with a link to Fringe Theory’s “The Alchemy of Sin.”

When that song came out, almost a year after my night with Ellis, I had listened to it over and over and over and over, aching with jealous conviction that he was using “Gin” to sing to another girl. Or hundreds of girls. Now I didn’t know what to think.

Today I went to QUIRC to sign my contract. I made a special effort not to look for Ellis in the halls. Because he’s engaged and utterly, absolutely, unequivocally unavailable.

QUIRC gave me everything I asked for: the salary, an experienced paralegal, the additional private “meditation” space, the supply of No. 1 Ticonderoga pencils, use of the car service, club memberships, and an allowance for my Krav Maga training.

The office manager, Bailey, showed me to my roomy office with leather, stainless steel, and glass furniture. She said, “I took the liberty of ordering a few paintings to cheer up the room, but you can replace them with whatever you like.”

Was I supposed to know anything about art? I should have watched
Sister Wendy at the Norton Simon Museum
instead of the
Big Valley
marathon, but I couldn’t resist a show with golden California hills, a gallant lawyer, a leather-clad brawler, and gun-slinging Barbara Stanwyck. I said, “The pictures are really nice, Bailey. Thank you.”

She showed me a small refrigerator hidden in a credenza. “We’ll
keep it stocked for you with your preferred brands. There’s always Joocey Jooce, so if you have any favorite flavors, please tell the office manager.”

“I didn’t know they sold it bottled. I thought it was only available freshly made.”

“They bottle a small amount for special clients. Ms. Tumbridge requested it as an efficiency measure when she thought we were spending too much time making smoothie runs.” Bailey opened a door on the far wall and said, “Here’s your mediation—I mean,
meditation
room.”

“I know it was a peculiar request, but I find that I need solitude and quiet time to prepare for court.”

“Like an actor’s dressing room!” she said, and then added a little shyly, “I saw you in court when you were with GLKH, Ms. Walters, and your performance, well, it’s legendary. I hope this will be satisfactory. It was converted from a storage space, but we tried to make it comfortable.”