The Shepherd's Voice (26 page)

He frowned.

Each time he’d called home, the maid had informed him Mrs. Talmadge was out of the house. He suspected that was a lie. But why would she risk lying to him? Rupert reported Pauline had paid a few visits to the Macauley ranch since Hudson left Ransom and that she’d attended church every Sunday. Since she was following his instructions to the letter, he saw no reason for her to avoid his calls. Yet there had to be a reason.

He muttered a few unsavory words in reference to his wife, then quickly forgot her. Right now, he needed to formulate a plan regarding land and water rights. Everything else had to take a backseat to that.

“Gabe. Please.” Akira touched her husband’s shoulder. “We need to talk.”

He shrugged off her hand. “What is there to say?”

“We can’t go on like this.”

He didn’t look at her. He hadn’t met her gaze for more than an instant since the night of the barn dance. “Leave it be.”

Father, how did this happen? Why has he retreated to that dark
place again? Why can’t he hear You? Why can’t he hear me? And what can I do to reach him with my love?

She stood, then picked up her lunch plate. “Don’t shut me out. I’m your wife.” She left the table, crossing the kitchen to the sink.

She heard his chair scrape against the floor. Her heart fluttered. She waited, hoping …

Footsteps carried him away from her. The door opened and closed, and he was gone.

Tears blurred her vision. Were they caused by heartbreak or anger? She didn’t know for certain. Perhaps both.

Day after day, they sat down to meals together and spoke hardly a word. Night after night, they lay beside each other in bed, not touching. They’d never spoken again of the night of the barn dance, of what Danny Peck had done to Akira, of the fight that followed, or of her declaration of love. Gabe had erected a wall so high and so thick she couldn’t storm it.

The door opened again. She held her breath, hope flaring to life. She dashed away her tears, not wanting him to know she cried, then turned.

Jane Sebastian stood in the opening. “I saw Gabe. He told me to come on in.”

Akira was nearly crushed by her disappointment that it wasn’t her husband.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Jane said. “I already know what’s going on. I can see it in both your faces.”

A sob tore from her chest, a sound of anguish. She covered her mouth with the back of her hand.

Jane hurried forward, opening her arms wide, and Akira fell into them.

“There now. There now. Go on and cry it out.” Jane stroked Akira’s hair. “That’s it. No shame in cryin’. No shame at all. The
good Lord Himself cried. There. That’s it. Let it out, dear child. Let it out.”

And she did. She wept as she’d never wept before. She wept until she was spent and too weak to stand.

Gabe strode swiftly down the drive, not stopping until he came to the road. He looked south, away from Ransom.

How hard could it be to walk away from everything? To head down that ribbon of highway? Away from everyone who knew anything about him? To disappear once again into the ranks of homeless men looking for work?

He’d arrived in Ransom with nothing. But now he had good boots on his feet and a coat to keep him warm, and his belly was full. He’d been a whole sight worse off before. If he left today, this moment …

Fight the good fight of the faith.

He clenched his jaw.
I don’t know how to fight a good fight. I only know how to fight with my fists, to fight to hurt. There isn’t anybody who doesn’t know that now. Not after what I did.

He’d had murder in his heart the night Danny kissed Akira, and he understood that made him a murderer in spirit, if not in deed. Hud had been right about him all along. He wasn’t any good. He wasn’t ever going to be any good.

There is none righteous, no, not one.

He wished those scriptures would quit popping into his head. He didn’t want to think about them. He didn’t want to think about God. All it did was serve to remind him how he’d failed. He couldn’t even control his own temper. He was never going to be good like Akira or Reverend Neville or Miss Jane.

Having done all, to stand.

He looked over his shoulder toward the ranch house. He’d hurt Akira, refusing to talk, walking out on her that way. He didn’t want to hurt her, but he seemed helpless to do anything else.

You aren’t a disappointment to Him. He loves you more than you’ll ever know …
Her voice was as clear in his head now as it had been the night she spoke those words.
You’ll never be a disappointment to me, either. I love you too.

He wanted to believe her, but he couldn’t. He never would be worthy enough. Couldn’t be. Not worthy of her love nor of God’s. He was like the apostle Peter when he’d said to Jesus, “Depart from me, for I am a sinful man.” Peter had known he was too evil to be near the Lord. And so was Gabe. Too evil for a holy God. Too evil for Akira.

But I didn’t leave Peter as I found him.

Gabe felt something tighten inside him.

Neither will I leave you, Gabriel, my son.

“He blames himself.” Akira wiped her eyes with the handkerchief Jane had given her. “He blames himself for everything that goes wrong.”

“It takes awhile to shed the thinking of the world. Sometimes a long while. Most never manage to do it altogether. I sure haven’t.”

“He won’t go to church. He’s ashamed of what others think of him now.” She stared at the cooling cup of coffee on the table before her. “He’s accepted Jesus with one hand, but he clings to the past with the other. He still sees himself as a convicted murderer. How do I help him see the truth of who he is in Christ?”

Jane touched her shoulder, drawing her gaze. “You don’t, child. That’s the work of the Holy Spirit.”

“But —”

“Don’t attempt to do God’s job. You won’t succeed. Maybe the Lord’s got another path for Gabe to follow than the one you’ve got in mind.”

Akira’s vision blurred again. “He doesn’t want my love,” she whispered hoarsely.

“Now that’s got to be the most foolish thing I’ve heard in all my born days.”

“No. It’s true.” She swallowed.

“Akira Talmadge, you quit talking nonsense this minute. Just ;cause a man has a hard time sayin’ the words doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel it.” Jane leaned forward, staring at Akira. “You hear me?”

“I hear.”

“Now, you go wash your face so when he comes inside he won’t know you’ve been crying. You show him your smile, and you love him right where he is, and you pray like you’ve never prayed before in your life, and then you trust God to work it out. He’s got it all in control.”

“I know.”
But why does everything feel out of control
,
Father?

“Go on.” Jane stood. “Go wash your face. I’ll take care of these dishes.”

“You don’t have to do that. I’ll —”

“I’m a stubborn woman. Don’t bother to argue with me when I’m in one of my moods.”

Akira managed a flimsy smile in response, then did as she’d been told.

Once in her room, with the bedroom door closed, she knelt beside her bed, folded her hands, and prayed.

“Lord, I can’t do Your work for You. Jane’s right about that. I fail every time I try. I told Gabe You love him, but I confess it was me I wanted him to love in return. Only he’s got to love You more, doesn’t he? Because only then can he love me completely. So I’m
letting him go. Right now. I’m giving him to You. Whatever You choose to do is all right with me. Not my will but Thine.”

Gabe sat beside the river. The water was no more than two inches deep in this section. It gurgled and splashed over the smooth stones lining the river bottom. Sunlight danced across the water’s surface, the flashes nearly blinding him with their brilliance.

That I may know Him …

The passages of Scripture wouldn’t stop coming, no matter how much he wanted them to.

… And the power of His resurrection …

If only he understood what it all meant. If only he could piece together the wretched fragments of his life. On that morning he’d returned to Christ and accepted God’s forgiveness, he’d thought it would all fall neatly into place. But it hadn’t.

… And the fellowship of His sufferings, becoming conformed unto His death.

“Jesus,” he whispered, overwhelmed by the feelings roiling inside him.

That I may know Him.

He covered his face with his hands. “Jesus, help me.”

Know Me, Gabriel.

Jesus?

I will lift up mine eyes unto the mountains.

He lowered his hands and looked up.

Know Me.

“I don’t understand what I’m to do.”

Know Me, beloved.