The Shepherd's Voice (22 page)

“It must be terrible to have no one,” Akira said softly.

“She’s got a husband and a house full of servants.”

Akira spoke no words, but her eyes said plenty.

He looked back at the road. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

It wasn’t easy, being surrounded by people but having no one
to trust, no one in whom one could confide. If anybody should understand, it was Gabe. It was only because of Akira that folks in Ransom, other than Miss Jane, had anything to do with him. Even with her at his side, there were plenty who preferred to steer clear of the convicted murderer.

“I guess she deserves the benefit of the doubt,” he said, unable to disguise the reluctance in his voice.

After a few moments, Akira’s left hand covered his right one where it rested on his thigh. He glanced down.

Did Akira own a pair of pretty lace gloves, he wondered, like the ones Pauline had worn? She should. She should have lots of pretty things. If he could give them to her, he would.

She deserved so much.

And he had so little to give.

FIFTEEN

The sheep returned to Dundreggan on one of those beautiful Indian summer days when the whole earth seemed wrapped in a golden haze. Almost overnight, the greens of summer had been replaced by the colors of autumn. The air smelled of just-turned earth and burning leaves.

When Akira heard the tinkle of the lead sheep’s bell, she ran to meet them. After waving to the Wickhams, she gave Brodie a hug, then kissed his bearded cheek.

“I’ve been watching for you all week,” she told him as she stepped back.

“
Ach!
’Tis the same every year, lass. Glad ye are t’see us gone, and glad ye are t’see our return.”

She laughed.

“Now let me have a good look at ye.” He scowled as he stared at her face. “Ye look right enough. ’Tis well with ye, then?”

“Aye,” she answered, mimicking his brogue. “’Tis very well with me.”

He looked past her toward the ranch house. “Is he about?”

“Yes,
he
is about. Gabe’s in the barn, trying to fix the old wireless.”

“Radio.” He made the word sound foul.

Akira didn’t think his disgust was about the radio. “Brodie?” She placed her hand on the big man’s chest. “I love Gabe. We’re happy together. Can’t you be at least a little glad for me? Won’t you give him a chance? He’s not who you think he is.”

“He’s a Talmadge.”

“And so am I.”

He made a guttural noise in his throat.

She took a step backward, lifted her chin, placed her fists on her hips. “I’ll hear no more against my husband, Brodie Lachlan. I’ve run out of patience. You’ve been like a member of my family for near as long as I can remember. As close as my grandfather. But I’m Gabe’s wife, and it’s time you got used to it. If you can’t, then … then maybe there’s no place for you at Dundreggan any longer.”

She didn’t know which of them was the most surprised by her outburst. She couldn’t remember a time when she’d spoken to him in such anger.

Brodie rubbed his beard as he stared down at her, his eyes narrowing as the moments passed. Finally, he nodded. “So be it, lass.”

His words were like a knife in her heart. Would he really choose to leave rather than make peace with Gabe?

“I’ll say no more against yer husband. If ye see good in him, then good there must be.”

Tears sprang to her eyes. Her throat burned. “Oh, Brodie,” she whispered. “Thank you.”

“
Ach!
Why stand ye there cryin’ when there’s work t’be done, lass?”

He strode away, all bluster and bravado, but he didn’t fool her. If he’d stayed, she suspected he might have shed a few tears himself.

“Forgive me for speaking in anger, Lord,” she said softly, “and thank You for keeping Brodie here. Soften his heart toward Gabe. I’d be grateful if they could become friends, but I’d settle for cordial
if that’s the best he can do.” She shook her head, smiling as she added, “Stubborn old Scot.”

The reception on the battery-powered Philco was less than ideal, but Akira’s expression when the
Amos ‘n’ Andy
broadcast began that night made it seem perfect to Gabe. She sat in a straight-backed chair, leaning forward, her elbows on her thighs, her chin resting on the heels of her hands. Her eyes were round and bright.

“I can’t believe you were able to fix it,” she said, glancing over at him.

Pride welled in his chest. She made him feel as if he’d accomplished the impossible.

“Mr. Martin at the hardware store told me I’d have to buy a new one,” she continued, “but you fixed it.”

He shrugged, then shook his head. He wasn’t used to compliments; they made him uneasy. Seeming to understand, Akira turned her rapt attention back to the program, leaving Gabe to his thoughts.

He loved her. He understood that now. His feelings went beyond gratitude and appreciation, beyond affection and devotion. It went beyond the marriage bed. So why didn’t he tell her? What kept him from saying it? He understood that women liked to hear the words. Was it because she hadn’t declared her love for him? Or was there some other reason?

She laughed at something one of the program’s characters said, and the pleasant sound drew his gaze.

God, I love her. With my whole heart. I don’t know why You put us together the way You did. She deserves much more, much better, in a husband. I want to be the man she thinks I am. How do I do that? How do I become him? ’Cause I’m not him yet. Maybe I never will be.

But I want to know You the way she does. Really know You. I want to be closer. I want to hear You speaking to me. You’ve blessed me
,
and I don’t know why. Help me understand what You’ve got planned for me
,
Lord. Help me walk in Your ways.

Akira rose from her chair and turned the knob on the Philco, plunging the house into sudden silence.

“I’d forgotten how much I enjoy that program,” she said, facing him again. “We should invite the Wickhams to join us next time.”

“Sure.” He stood, hoping she wouldn’t ask what he’d thought of the show since he hadn’t been listening.

She reached out, touched the side of his face with her fingertips. The caress didn’t last long. It was merely a whisper, and then it was gone.

“I’d better get those dishes washed,” she said, her voice as whispery light as her touch.

“I’ll help you.”

Wordlessly, she nodded, then turned and walked to the kitchen.

Akira took the kettle from the stove and poured hot water into the dishpan, then added soap and cold water until the temperature was right. Throughout the ritual, she was aware of Gabe standing nearby, dishtowel in hand.

“I spoke with Lachlan this afternoon,” he said as she placed the first of the dishes into the pan. “He says you’ll be shipping lambs to market next week.”

A lump formed in her throat. She didn’t know why, but she felt a little like crying. In fact, she’d felt weepy all week long. Happy or sad, it didn’t matter. She seemed always on the verge of tears.

“You must be glad to have him back at Dundreggan.”

She scrubbed the plate, unable to see through a blur of tears.

“Something bothering you, Akira?”

“No,” she managed to say, adding, “Tired, I guess.”

He didn’t press.

She was thankful for that.

Gabe took the just-rinsed plate from her and dried it before setting it on the shelf in the cupboard. “George Edwards told me there’s a barn dance up at the Candleberry farm tomorrow night. I’d like us to go.”

“You would?” She glanced over her shoulder, surprised.

His smile was tender, causing her heart to skip a beat. “Yes. When was the last time you did something for fun?”

“I’m not much of a dancer.”

“Neither am I.”

Although he didn’t say it aloud, she knew he mentally added,
Not many dances in prison.
It made her heart ache.

He continued, “But as long as we’re dancing together, what does it matter?”

Tears blinded her completely now.

Next thing she knew, he was holding her close against him, the wet dishrag in her hand soaking their clothes.

“What’s wrong?” he demanded gently, his lips brushing the top of her head.

“Nothing.”

He withdrew slightly, cupped her chin with his fingers, tipped her head back. He dried her eyes with a corner of the dishtowel. “Akira, what is it? Tell me.”

“Nothing’s wrong.”

“You’ve never been less than honest with me. Not until now.”

She shook her head.

“Is it something I said? Something I did?”

She kept shaking her head.

“I know I’m not good with words.” He pulled her close again, pressing her cheek against his chest. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, whatever I did or said.”

“Oh, Gabe,” she whispered. “You haven’t hurt me. Honest, you haven’t. I don’t know why I’m crying. I’m not sad.”

“You sure?” He sounded skeptical.

“I’m sure.” She sniffed as she drew back from him again. She forced a smile as she met his gaze. “See?”

He didn’t look convinced.

I love you
,
Gabriel Talmadge. I love you so much. You’ve come to mean the world to me. And I think you love me too. Why don’t either of us say it?

The question lingered in her mind, keeping her awake into the wee hours of the night.

SIXTEEN

Somewhere near sunrise Akira found the answer to her question. She hadn’t told Gabe she loved him because she was trying to protect her heart. As if not speaking the words would shield her from pain should he never love her in return.

But it wouldn’t shield her. Nothing could.

It came to her, as she lay there, listening to the sound of Gabe’s steady breathing and watching as the first pale streaks of dawn inched across the ceiling. The Bible told wives to submit to their husbands and husbands to love their wives. God hadn’t told wives to love their husbands. Was it because women found it easier to love?

And harder to submit.

She turned her head on the pillow. She couldn’t see him clearly, caught in shadows as he was, yet she knew his features so well by now it seemed she could. She knew the sharp angles of his face. She knew the morning stubble that darkened his jaw. She knew the way his hair stuck out in odd directions when he first got up.

She didn’t have to be afraid, she realized. God knew what she needed. God knew she needed her husband to love her. He’d begun a work in Gabe, and He would complete it. Nothing could keep Him from it.

Father
,
I’m sorry. Forgive me. I’ve harbored anger and resentment all week long. Not just because of Gabe’s parole. Because of what I want and when I want it. But You know what I need. You know what we both need
,
Gabe and me. Why have I acted as if You don’t know or care?

She sat up, still staring at Gabe. He’d been rejected by his father time and again. The approval he’d sought hadn’t been there. He’d tried to be what Hudson wanted, but he had failed. Gabe hadn’t yet grasped the Father’s unconditional love. No wonder he didn’t understand her love for him.

I’m going to tell him. He needs to know.

A huge weight lifted off her chest, and joy rushed in to take the place of the anger she’d released into God’s keeping.

Smiling, she slipped from beneath the blankets.

Gabe opened his eyes and watched Akira’s quiet departure from the room. He hated it when she was the first to rise. The bed felt too large without her beside him.