The Skeptics Annotated Bible (261 page)

6 But
the hand of the LORD was heavy upon them of Ashdod, and he destroyed them, and smote them with emerods
, even Ashdod and the coasts thereof.

(5.6)
“The hand of the LORD was heavy upon them of Ashdod, and he destroyed them, and smote them with emerods.”

7 And when the men of Ashdod saw that it was so, they said, The ark of the God of Israel shall not abide with us: for his hand is sore upon us, and upon Dagon our god.

8 They sent therefore and gathered all the lords of the Philistines unto them, and said, What shall we do with the ark of the God of Israel? And they answered, Let the ark of the God of Israel be carried about unto Gath. And they carried the ark of the God of Israel about thither.

9 And it was so, that, after they had carried it about, the hand of
the LORD
was against the city with a very great destruction: and he
smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts.

(5.9)
“The LORD … smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts.”

10
Therefore they sent the ark of God to Ekron
. And it came to pass, as the ark of God came to Ekron, that the Ekronites cried out, saying, They have brought about the ark of the God of Israel to us, to slay us and our people.

(5.10)
“Therefore they sent the ark of God to Ekron.”

11 So they sent and gathered together all the lords of the Philistines, and said, Send away the ark of the God of Israel, and let it go again to his own place, that it slay us not, and our people: for
there was a deadly destruction throughout all the city; the hand of God was very heavy there.

12
And the men that died not were smitten with the emerods: and the cry of the city went up to heaven.

(5.11-12)
“There was a deadly destruction throughout all the city; the hand of God was very heavy there. And the men that died not were smitten with the emerods: and the cry of the city went up to heaven.”

6
And the ark of the LORD was in the country of the Philistines seven months.

2 And the Philistines called for the priests and the diviners, saying, What shall we do to the ark of the LORD? tell us wherewith we shall send it to his place.

3 And they said, If ye send away the ark of the God of Israel, send it not empty; but in any wise return him a trespass offering: then ye shall be healed, and it shall be known to you why his hand is not removed from you.

(6.4-5) After striking the Philistines with hemorrhoids “in their secret parts,” (5.6-9) God demands that they send him five golden hemorrhoids as a “trespass offering.”

4 Then said they,
What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice
, according to the number of the lords of the Philistines: for one plague was on you all, and on your lords.

(6.4)
“What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice.”

5 Wherefore
ye shall make images of your emerods, and images of your mice
that mar the land; and
ye shall give glory unto the God of Israel: peradventure he will lighten his hand from off you, and from off your gods
, and from off your land.

(6.5a)
“Ye shall make images of your emerods, and images of your mice.”

(6.5b)
“Ye shall give glory unto the God of Israel: peradventure he will lighten his hand from off you, and from off your gods.”
9 How many gods are there?

6 Wherefore then do ye harden your hearts,
as the Egyptians and Pharaoh hardened their hearts?
when he had wrought wonderfully among them, did they not let the people go, and they departed?

(6.6)
“As the Egyptians and Pharaoh hardened their hearts.”
95 Who hardened the Pharaoh’s heart?

(6.7-12) To see if it was God who killed the Philistine people, the ark of the Lord and the five golden hemorrhoids were put into a cart pulled by two cows. Then the cows were let go. If the cows went directly to Bethshemesh, then God killed the people. And that’s the way the cows went. So by this scientific method we know for sure that it was God who killed the Philistines by giving them hemorrhoids “in their secret parts.”

7 Now therefore
make a new cart
, and take two milch kine, on which there hath come no yoke, and tie the kine to the cart, and bring their calves home from them:

8
And take the ark of the LORD, and lay it upon the cart; and put the
jewels of gold, which ye return him for a
trespass offering, in a coffer by the side thereof; and send it away, that it may go.

(6.7-8)
“Make a new cart … And take the ark of the LORD, and lay it upon the cart; and put the … trespass offering, in a coffer by the side thereof; and send it away, that it may go.

9 And see,
if it goeth up by the way of his own coast to Beth-shemesh, then he hath done us this great evil:
but if not, then we shall know that it is not his hand that smote us: it was a chance that happened to us.

(6.9)
“If it goeth up by the way of his own coast to Bethshemesh, then he
[God]
hath done us this great evil.”

10 And the men did so; and took two milch kine, and tied them to the cart, and shut up their calves at home:

11 And
they laid the ark of the LORD upon the cart, and
the coffer with
the mice of gold and the images of their emerods.

12
And the kine took the straight way to the way of Beth-shemesh,
and went along the highway, lowing as they went, and turned not aside to the right hand or to the left; and the lords of the Philistines went after them unto the border of Beth-shemesh.

(6.11-12)
“They laid the ark of the LORD upon the cart, and … the mice of gold and the images of their emerods. And the kine took the straight way to the way of Bethshemesh.”

13 And they of Beth-shemesh were reaping their wheat harvest in the valley: and they lifted up their eyes, and saw the ark, and rejoiced to see it.

14 And the cart came into the field of Joshua, a Beth-shemite, and stood there, where there was a great stone: and they clave the wood of the cart, and offered the kine a burnt offering unto the LORD.

15 And the Levites took down the ark of the LORD, and the coffer that was with it, wherein the jewels of gold were, and put them on the great stone: and the men of Beth-shemesh offered burnt offerings and sacrificed sacrifices the same day unto the LORD.

16 And when the five lords of the Philistines had seen it, they returned to Ekron the same day.

17 And
these are the golden emerods which the Philistines returned for a trespass offering unto the LORD
; for Ashdod one, for Gaza one, for Askelon one, for Gath one, for Ekron one;

18
And the golden mice
, according to the number of all the cities of the Philistines belonging to the five lords, both of fenced cities, and of country villages, even unto the great stone of Abel, whereon they set down the ark of the LORD: which stone remaineth unto this day in the field of Joshua, the Beth-shemite.

(6.17-18)
“These are the golden emerods which the Philistines returned for a trespass offering unto the LORD … And the golden mice.”

19 And
he smote the men of Beth-shemesh, because they had looked into the ark of the LORD, even he smote of the people fifty thousand and threescore and ten men
: and the people lamented, because the LORD had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter.

(6.19)
“He
[God]
smote the men of Bethshemesh, because they had looked into the ark of the LORD, even he smote of the people fifty thousand and threescore and ten men.”
God killed 50,070 for looking into the ark. “And the people lamented, because the Lord had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter.”
120 Is God merciful?
God’s 60th Killing