The Skeptics Annotated Bible (284 page)

3 And the battle went sore against Saul, and the archers hit him; and he was sore wounded of the archers.

4 Then said Saul unto his armourbearer, Draw thy sword, and thrust me through therewith; lest these uncircumcised come and thrust me through, and abuse me. But his armourbearer would not; for he was sore afraid. Therefore
Saul took a sword, and fell upon it.

(31.4)
“Saul took a sword, and fell upon it.”
197 How did Saul die?

5 And when his armourbearer saw that Saul was dead, he fell likewise upon his sword, and died with him.

6
So Saul died, and his three sons, and his armourbearer, and all his men, that same day together.

(31.6)
“So Saul died, and his three sons, and his armourbearer, and all his men, that same day together.”

7 And when the men of Israel that were on the other side of the valley, and they that were on the other side Jordan, saw that the men of Israel fled, and that Saul and his sons were dead, they forsook the cities, and fled; and the Philistines came and dwelt in them.

8 And it came to pass on the morrow, when the Philistines came to strip the slain, that they found Saul and his three sons fallen in mount Gilboa.

9 And
they cut off his head
, and stripped off his armour,
and sent into the land of the Philistines round about
, to publish it in the house of their idols, and among the people.

10 And they put his armour in the house of Ashtaroth:
and they fastened his body to the wall of Beth-shan.

(31.9-10)
“They cut off his head … and sent into the land of the Philistines round about … and they fastened his body to the wall of Bethshan.”
Was this a part of Saul’s punishment for not killing all the Amalekites?

11 And when the inhabitants of Jabesh-gilead heard of that which the Philistines had done to Saul;

12 All the valiant men arose, and went all night, and took the body of Saul and the bodies of his sons from the wall of Beth-shan, and came to Jabesh, and burnt them there.

13 And they took their bones, and buried them under a tree at Jabesh, and fasted seven days.

Thus saith the Lord ... I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbour, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun.
—
2 Samuel 12.11

Second Samuel is about divine justice. Here are a few examples.

• God kills Uzzah for trying to protect the ark from falling.
  6.6-7
  
• To punish David for the Bathsheba/Uriah affair, God killed the resulting baby and had David’s wives publicly raped by David’s son,
  Absalom
  .
  12.11-12
  ,
  12.15-18
  ,
  16.21-22
  
• When David had a census (that God “moved” him to have), God gave him a choice of three punishments: seven years of famine, three months of war, or three days of pestilence. David couldn’t decide, so God chose for him and 70,000 men died in a plague. (The details are different in 1 Chronicles 21, but the principle is the same.)
  24.1-15
  

Other highlights:

• David tells Jonathan that he has given him pleasures more than that of woman.
  1.26
  
• He has his “young men” kill people, cut off their hands and feet, and hang them up over a pool.
  4.12
  
• Whoever kills the lame and the blind “that are hated of David’s soul” shall be made “chief and captain.”
  5.8
  
• “And David took him more concubines and wives.”
  5.13
  
• David dances nearly naked in front of God and everybody.
  6.20
  
• He watches a woman bathe, likes what he sees, and “goes in unto her.”
  11.2-4
  
• God says he will give David’s wives to someone else who will “lie with thy wives in the sight of the sun.”
  12.11-12
  
• To punish David for having Uriah killed, God kills David’s newborn baby.
  12.15-18
  
• Ammon rapes his half-sister.
  13.11-12
  
• Absalom
  “goes in unto” his father’s (David’s) concubines.
  16.21-22
  
• God sends a three year famine for something Saul did.
  21.1
  
• To appease God and end the famine that was caused by his predecessor (Saul), David agrees to have two of Saul’s sons and five of his grandsons killed and hung up “unto the Lord.”
  21.6-9
  

1
Now it came to pass after the death of Saul, when David was
returned from the slaughter of the Amalekites
, and David had abode two days in Ziklag;

(1.1)
“David … returned from the slaughter of the Amalekites.”
How could David find any Amalekites to slaughter? Saul and Samuel already killed them all (1 Sam 15.8, 33).

2 It came even to pass on the third day, that, behold, a man came out of the camp from Saul with his clothes rent, and earth upon his head: and so it was, when he came to David, that he fell to the earth, and did obeisance.

3 And David said unto him, From whence comest thou? And he said unto him, Out of the camp of Israel am I escaped.

4 And David said unto him, How went the matter? I pray thee, tell me. And he answered, That the people are fled from the battle, and many of the people also are fallen and dead; and Saul and Jonathan his son are dead also.

5 And David said unto the young man that told him, How knowest thou that Saul and Jonathan his son be dead?

6 And the young man that told him said, As I happened by chance upon mount Gilboa, behold, Saul leaned upon his spear; and, lo, the chariots and horsemen followed hard after him.

7 And when he looked behind him, he saw me, and called unto me. And I answered, Here am I.

8 And he said unto me, Who art thou? And I answered him,
I am an Amalekite
.

9 He said unto me again, Stand, I pray thee, upon me, and slay me: for anguish is come upon me, because my life is yet whole in me.

10
So I stood upon him, and slew him
, because I was sure that he could not live after that he was fallen: and I took the crown that was upon his head, and the bracelet that was on his arm, and have brought them hither unto my lord.

(1.8-10) “I am an Amalekite. … So I stood upon him, and slew him.” But Saul killed all the Amalekites (except for Agag, who was hacked to death by Samuel) as God commanded in 1 Sam 15.3, so how could he later be killed by one?
182 Did Saul and Samuel kill all the Amalekites?

11
Then David took hold on his clothes, and rent them; and likewise all the men that were with him:

(1.11) “Then David took hold on his clothes, and rent them; and likewise all the men that were with him.” When Bible characters get upset, they tear their clothes.