The Skeptics Annotated Bible (418 page)

26 Wherefore they called these days Purim after the name of Pur. Therefore for all the words of this letter, and of that which they had seen concerning this matter, and which had come unto them,

27 The Jews ordained, and took upon them, and upon their seed, and upon all such as joined themselves unto them, so as it should not fail, that they would keep these two days according to their writing, and according to their appointed time every year;

28 And that these days should be remembered and kept throughout every generation, every family, every province, and every city; and that these days of Purim should not fail from among the Jews, nor the memorial of them perish from their seed.

29 Then Esther the queen, the daughter of Abihail, and Mordecai the Jew, wrote with all authority, to confirm this second letter of Purim.

30 And he sent the letters unto all the Jews, to the hundred twenty and seven provinces of the kingdom of Ahasuerus, with words of peace and truth,

31 To confirm these days of Purim in their times appointed, according as Mordecai the Jew and Esther the queen had enjoined them, and as they had decreed for themselves and for their seed, the matters of the fastings and their cry.

32 And the decree of Esther confirmed these matters of Purim; and it was written in the book.

10
And the king Ahasuerus laid a tribute upon the land, and upon the isles of the sea.

2 And all the acts of his power and of his might, and the declaration of the greatness of Mordecai, whereunto the king advanced him, are they not written in the book of the chronicles of the kings of Media and Persia?

3 For Mordecai the Jew was next unto king Ahasuerus, and great among the Jews, and accepted of the multitude of his brethren, seeking the wealth of his people, and speaking peace to all his seed.

And the LORD said unto Satan, Whence comest thou? Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it
. —
Job 1.7

The Book of Job gets way too much credit from both believers and skeptics. Everyone, it seems, thinks it inspiring and profound, especially those who have never read it. But Job is, in fact, as silly as it is evil. Let me summarize it for you.

God and Satan play a game with the lives of Job and his family. Satan bets that Job will curse God to his face if Job’s life is made unpleasant enough. So God (or Satan, it’s hard to tell them apart) kills Job’s children and sends various torments upon him. Although Job curses the day he was born and says some nasty (and true) things about God, he doesn’t curse God (as he should have), so he is rewarded with new, even better, children. Another happy ending!

Here’s a summary:

• Job was a perfect man, the richest in all the east. He had seven sons, three daughters, thousands of animals, and many slaves.
  1.1-4
  
• God makes a bet with his son, Satan. God tells Satan to do nasty things to Job to see if he can get him to curse God to his face.
  1.6-12
  
• He kills (or allows Satan to kill) Job’s children, but Job doesn’t “foolishly” blame God.
  1.20-22
  
• He allows Satan to torment Job, just to see how he will react.
  2.3-7
  
• He gives Job to Satan, saying: “Behold, all that he hath is in thy power.”
  2.6
  
• Satan (or God) smites Job with boils from the “sole of his foot unto his crown.”
  2.7
  
• Job’s wife says that to retain his integrity he should “curse God and die.”
  2.9
  
• Job curses the day he was born.
  3.1-2
  ,
  3.11
  
• God multiplies wounds without cause, destroys the perfect along with the wicked, laughs at the trial of the innocent, and hides the truth from judges.
  9.17-24
  
• After God and Satan get done tormenting Job, God gave Job even more stuff than he had before, including children. God gave Job another set of 10 kids, with even prettier daughters!
  42.13-15
  

(1.1-4) Job was a perfect man, the richest in all the east. He had 7 sons and 3 daughters that liked to party. The sons often invited their sisters over to party with them.

1
There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect
and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil.

(1.1)
“There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect.”
Nobody’s perfect. Well, except for Job (and Noah).

2 And
there were born unto him seven sons and three daughters.

(1.2)
“There were born unto him seven sons and three daughters.”

3
His substance also was seven thousand sheep, and three thousand camels, and five hundred yoke of oxen, and five hundred she asses, and a very great household; so that this man was the greatest of all the men of the east.

(1.3)
“His substance also was seven thousand sheep, and three thousand camels, and five hundred yoke of oxen, and five hundred she asses, and a very great household; so that this man was the greatest of all the men of the east.”

4 And
his sons went and feasted in their houses, every one his day; and sent and called for their three sisters to eat and to drink with them.

(1.4)
“His sons went and feasted in their houses, every one his day; and sent and called for their three sisters to eat and to drink with them.”

5 And it was so, when the days of their feasting were gone about, that Job sent and sanctified them, and rose up early in the morning, and offered burnt offerings according to the number of them all: for Job said, It may be that my sons have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts. Thus did Job continually.

(1.6-12) God makes a bet with his son, Satan. God tells Satan to do nasty things to Job to see if he can get him to curse God to his face.

6 Now there was a day when
the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan came also among them.

(1.6)
“The sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan came also among them.”
Satan is the son of God!
28 How many sons does God have?

7
And the LORD said unto Satan, Whence comest thou? Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it.

(1.7)
“And the LORD said unto Satan, Whence comest thou? Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it.”
18 Does God know everything?
287 Is the Devil free to roam?

8 And
the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man
, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil?

(1.8)
“The LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man?”

9 Then
Satan answered
the LORD, and said, Doth Job fear God for nought?

10 Hast not thou made an hedge about him, and about his house, and about all that he hath on every side? thou hast blessed the work of his hands, and his substance is increased in the land.

11 But put forth thine hand now, and
touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face.

(1.9-11)
“Satan answered … touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face.”

12
And the LORD said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath is in thy power
; only upon himself put not forth thine hand.
So Satan went forth from the presence of the LORD.

(1.12a)
“And the LORD said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath is in thy power.”

(1.12b)
“So Satan went forth from the presence of the LORD.”

13 And there was a day when his sons and his daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother’s house:

14 And there came a messenger unto Job, and said, The oxen were plowing, and the asses feeding beside them:

(1.15-19) To start off God and Satan’s gruesome game, Job’s slaves and animals are burned to death or killed with swords. Then Job’s children are killed in a windstorm while partying.
God’s 130th Killing