The Skeptics Annotated Bible (619 page)

Here are the highlights:

• Ezekiel sees God’s loins (“the glory of the Lord”), which were on fire.
  1.27
  ,
  8.2
  
• God makes Ezekiel lay on his right side for 390 days, and then on his left side for another 40 days.
  4.4-8
  
• He tells Ezekiel to bake and eat bread that is made with the “dung that cometh out of man.”
  4.12
  
• He tells him to shave his head and beard, divide the cut hair into thirds, burn one portion, smite the second with a knife, and scatter the third in the wind.
  5.1-3
  
• He will force fathers to eat their sons and sons to eat their fathers and will cause every man’s sword to be against his brother.
  5.10
  ,
  38.21-23
  
• God will slaughter everyone by killing one third with plagues, one third with famines, and one third with wars. If any somehow survive, he’ll send “evil beasts” to devour them. Finally, after he’s done killing, he “will be comforted.”
  5.11-17
  ,
  6.5
  
• He tells Ezekiel to clap his hands and stamp his feet while saying, “they shall fall by the sword, by the famine, and by the pestilence.”
  6.11
  
• He is mad at everyone and no one will escape his wrath. He’ll kill them all— good and bad, just and unjust—with war, disease, and starvation. He will ignore them when they beg for mercy. “Horror shall cover them” and “they shall know that I am the Lord.”
  7.3-11
  ,
  7.14-27
  ,
  8.18
  ,
  12.15-16
  ,
  21.3-5
  ,
  32.9-15
  
• He dislikes women and pillows. “Woe to the women that sew pillows … be hold, I am against your pillows.”
  13.17-21
  
• He deceives some of his prophets and then kills them for believing his lies.
  14.9
  ,
  20.25
  
• He dresses up Jerusalem, cleans off the blood that she was wallowing in, and compliments her on her nice hair and breasts.
  16.8
  
• After exposing her nakedness, God will give her “blood in fury and jealousy” and strip her naked once more. Then he’ll have her stoned “with stones and thrust through with swords.”
  16.38-41
  
• God’s ex-girlfriend (Jerusalem) had sex with every man that passed by. She especially liked the Egyptians with big penises. If no one was available, she “committed whoredom” with “images of men.”
  16.15-26
  
• A just man never gets near a menstruating woman.
  18.5-6
  
• “For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses.”
  23.20
  
• “They shall take away thy nose and thine ears … Thou shalt … pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord.”
  23.25
  ,
  34
  
• God killed Ezekiel’s wife to demonstrate his intention to kill the Israelites’ children. Just as God told Ezekiel not to mourn his wife’s death, God forbids the parents to mourn the death of their children.
  24.15-24
  
• He showed Ezekiel how to join together dead people’s bones and then bring them back to life. (The leg bone connected to the thigh bone.)
  37.7-10
  
• He is preparing a feast for the birds and beasts. They will eat human flesh until they’re full and drink human blood until they’re drunk.
  39.4
  ,
  17-20
  

1
Now it came to pass in the thirtieth year, in the fourth month, in the fifth day of the month
, as I was among the captives by the river of Chebar,
that the heavens were opened, and I saw visions of God.

(1.1)
“Now it came to pass in the thirtieth year, in the fourth month, in the fifth day of the month … that the heavens were opened, and I saw visions of God.”
Ezekiel begins by telling us what day it is. It’s the 30th year, 4th month, and 5th day. But the 30th year etc. of what exactly? (See also
8.1
,
20.1
,
24.1
,
26.1
,
29.1
,
29.17
,
30.20
,
31.1
,
32.1
,
32.17
)

2 In the fifth day of the month, which was the fifth year of king Jehoiachin’s captivity,

3 The word of the LORD came expressly unto Ezekiel the priest, the son of Buzi, in the land of the Chaldeans by the river Chebar; and the hand of the LORD was there upon him.

(1.4-28) Ezekiel experiences what some say is the first recorded UFO sighting.

4 And
I looked, and, behold, a whirlwind came out of the north, a great cloud, and a fire infolding itself
, and a brightness was about it, and out of the midst thereof as
the colour of amber
, out of the midst of the fire.

(1.4)
“I looked and behold, a whirlwind came out of the north, a great cloud, and a fire infolding itself … the color of amber.”

(1.5-28) Ezekiel sees creatures that have four faces (human, lion, ox, and eagle), four wings, and straight feet with calf’s soles.

5 Also
out of the midst thereof came the likeness of four living creatures.
And this was their appearance;
they had the likeness of a man.

(1.5)
“Out of the midst thereof came the likeness of four living creatures. … they had the likeness of a man.”

6 And
every one had four faces, and every one had four wings.

(1.6)
“Every one had four faces, and every one had four wings.”

7 And
their feet were straight feet; and the sole of their feet was like the sole of a calf’s foot: and they sparkled like the colour of burnished brass.

(1.7)
“Their feet were straight feet; and the sole of their feet was like the sole of a calf’s foot: and they sparkled like the colour of burnished brass.”

8 And
they had the hands of a man under their wings on their four sides
; and they four had their faces and their wings.

(1.8)
“They had the hands of a man under their wings on their four sides.”

9
Their wings were joined one to another
; they turned not when they went; they went every one straight forward.

(1.9)
“Their wings were joined one to another.”

10 As for the likeness of their faces,
they four had the face of a man, and the face of a lion, on the right side: and they four had the face of an ox on the left side; they four also had the face of an eagle.

(1.10)
“They four had the face of a man, and the face of a lion, on the right side: and they four had the face of an ox on the left side; they four also had the face of an eagle.”

11
Thus were their faces: and their wings were stretched upward; two wings of every one were joined one to another, and two covered their bodies.

(1.11)
“Thus were their faces: and their wings were stretched upward; two wings of every one were joined one to another, and two covered their bodies.”

12 And they went every one straight forward: whither the spirit was to go, they went; and they turned not when they went.

13 As for the likeness of the living creatures,
their appearance was like burning coals of fire,
and like the appearance of lamps: it went up and down among the living creatures;
and the fire was bright, and out of the fire went forth lightning
.

(1.13)
“Their appearance was like burning coals of fire … and the fire was bright, and out of the fire went forth lightning.”

14 And the living creatures ran and returned as the appearance of a flash of lightning.

15 Now
as I beheld the living creatures, behold one wheel upon the earth by the living creatures, with his four faces.

(1.15) “As I beheld the living creatures, behold one wheel upon the earth by the living creatures, with his four faces.”

16 The appearance of the wheels and their work was like unto the colour of a beryl: and they four had one likeness: and
their appearance and their work was as it were a wheel in the middle of a wheel.

(1.16)
“Their appearance and their work was as it were a wheel in the middle of a wheel.”

17 When they went, they went upon their four sides: and they turned not when they went.

18
As for their rings, they were so high that they were dreadful; and their rings were full of eyes round about them four.

(1.18) “As for their rings, they were so high that they were dreadful; and their rings were full of eyes round about them four.”

19 And
when the living creatures went, the wheels went by them: and when the living creatures were lifted up from the earth, the wheels were lifted up.

(1.19)
“When the living creatures went, the wheels went by them: and when the living creatures were lifted up from the earth, the wheels were lifted up.”

20 Whithersoever the spirit was to go, they went, thither was their spirit to go; and the wheels were lifted up over against them: for
the spirit of the living creature was in the wheels.

21 When those went, these went; and when those stood, these stood; and when those were lifted up from the earth, the wheels were lifted up over against them: for
the spirit of the living creature was in the wheels.

(1.20-21)
“The spirit of the living creature was in the wheels.”

(1.22-26) The firmament