The Skeptics Annotated Bible (705 page)

4
Because of the multitude of the whoredoms of the wellfavoured harlot, the mistress of witchcrafts, that selleth nations through her whoredoms, and families through her witchcrafts.

(3:4)
“Because of the multitude of the whoredoms of the well favoured harlot, the mistress of witchcrafts, that selleth nations through her whoredoms, and families through her witchcrafts.”

5
Behold, I am against thee, saith the LORD of hosts; and I will discover thy skirts upon thy face, and I will shew the nations thy nakedness, and the kingdoms thy shame.

(3:5)
“Behold, I am against thee, saith the LORD of hosts; and I will discover thy skirts upon thy face, and I will shew the nations thy nakedness, and the kingdoms thy shame.”

6
And I will cast abominable filth upon thee, and make thee vile, and will set thee as a gazingstock
.

(3:6)
“And I will cast abominable filth upon thee, and make thee vile, and will set thee as a gazingstock.”

7 And it shall come to pass, that all they that look upon thee shall flee from thee, and say, Nineveh is laid waste: who will bemoan her? whence shall I seek comforters for thee?

8 Art thou better than populous No, that was situate among the rivers, that had the waters round about it, whose rampart was the sea, and her wall was from the sea?

9 Ethiopia and Egypt were her strength, and it was infinite; Put and Lubim were thy helpers.

10 Yet was she carried away, she went into captivity: her young children also were dashed in pieces at the top of all the streets: and they cast lots for her honourable men, and all her great men were bound in chains.

(3:10) “She went into captivity: her young children also were dashed in pieces … and all her great men were bound in chains.” God punished Nineveh by enslaving the people and smashing the little children in the streets.

11 Thou also shalt be drunken: thou shalt be hid, thou also shalt seek strength because of the enemy.

12 All thy strong holds shall be like fig trees with the firstripe figs: if they be shaken, they shall even fall into the mouth of the eater.

13
Behold, thy people in the midst of thee are women
: the gates of thy land shall be set wide open unto thine enemies: the fire shall devour thy bars.

(3:13)
“Behold, thy people in the midst of thee are women.”
“You’re all a bunch of women” was the biggest insult God could think of at the moment.

14 Draw thee waters for the siege, fortify thy strong holds: go into clay, and tread the morter, make strong the brickkiln.

15
There shall the fire devour thee; the sword shall cut thee off, it shall eat thee up like the cankerworm
: make thyself many as the cankerworm, make thyself many as the locusts.

(3:15) “There shall the fire devour thee; the sword shall cut thee off, it shall eat thee up like the cankerworm.”

16 Thou hast multiplied thy merchants above the stars of heaven: the cankerworm spoileth, and flieth away.

17 Thy crowned are as the locusts, and thy captains as the great grasshoppers, which camp in the hedges in the cold day, but when the sun ariseth they flee away, and their place is not known where they are.

18 Thy shepherds slumber, O king of Assyria: thy nobles shall dwell in the dust: thy people is scattered upon the mountains, and no man gathereth them.

19 There is no healing of thy bruise; thy wound is grievous: all that hear the bruit of thee shall clap the hands over thee: for upon whom hath not thy wickedness passed continually?

God … had horns coming out of his hand … Before him went the pestilence, and burning coals went forth at his feet.
—
Habakkuk 3.3-5

Sometimes it’s fun to quote the bible at parties. One of my favorites is Habakkuk 2.16: “Drink thou also and let thy foreskin be uncovered.” Thank God for Habakkuk.

Highlights:

• “Drink thou also and let thy foreskin be uncovered.”
  2.16
  
• “God … had horns coming out of his hand … Before him went the pestilence, and burning coals went forth at his feet.”
  3.3-5
  
• “The sun and moon stood still in their habitation.”
  3.11
  
• Habakkuk praises God for slaughtering “the heathen.”
  3.12-14
  
• “Thou didst walk through the sea with thine horses.”
  3.15
  
• “When I heard, my belly trembled … rottenness entered into my bones.”
  3.16
  

1
The burden which Habakkuk the prophet did see.

2
O LORD, how long shall I cry, and thou wilt not hear! even cry out unto thee of violence, and thou wilt not save!

(1.2)
“O LORD, how long shall I cry, and thou wilt not hear! even cry out unto thee of violence, and thou wilt not save!”
176 Does God help in time of need?

3 Why dost thou shew me iniquity, and cause me to behold grievance? for spoiling and violence are before me: and there are that raise up strife and contention.

4 Therefore the law is slacked, and judgment doth never go forth: for
the wicked doth compass about the righteous; therefore wrong judgment proceedeth.

(1.4) “The wicked doth compass about the righteous; therefore wrong judgment proceedeth.”
310 Do bad things happen to good people?
310 Has there ever been a righteous person?