The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (37 page)

Lacking the sandy beaches and sunshine that bring vacationers to popular island destinations, the city council for Three Mile Island spent years debating various ways to attract tourism to their Pennsylvania island. Local officials made an offer to Wayne Newton, but to no avail.
THEY WERE LET DOWN, TOO, WHEN BLUE MAN GROUP AND CéLINE DION CHOSE VEGAS OVER THEIR SECRET VACATION HIDEAWAY.
Three Mile Island remained off the consideration list for street performers and island-loving tourists.

It was the spring of 1968, and as tourism continued to fail to meet expectations, the local government decided the time had come to focus on a nontraditional approach. They decided to focus on adventure tourism. They wanted to provide a vacation destination where people could generally feel safe but at the same time know they were only a few minutes from certain death if something went unexpectedly wrong. It was decided that the easiest and most expensive way to accomplish this would be to build a full-time 24/7 nuclear reactor.

Three Mile Island quickly built a nuclear reactor on the banks of the Susquehanna River. This all-day every-day danger was popular among both full-time residents and island vacationers.
LOCAL MERCHANTS SOLD SCORES OF THE POPULAR SOUVENIR, “I WENT TO THREE MILE ISLAND AND ALL I GOT WAS CANCER AND THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT.”
The nuclear reactors on Three Mile Island accomplished exactly what they were intended to do. They filled the grid with much-needed electricity and the island's dilapidated Red Roof Inn with thrill-seeking tourists.

Many nonbelievers criticized the concept, stating the danger was a hoax. Fortunately, the danger proved real when one of the two nuclear reactors suffered a meltdown on March 28, 1979, releasing dangerous radioactive material into the island's atmosphere. The 25,000 people living within five miles of the reactor found themselves in imminent danger, and pregnant woman were told to flee as quickly as possible to avoid birthing babies the size of sea cows.

With the aggressive reporting of the alphabet networks and Geraldo Rivera filing reports from inside the breached reactor, Americans were anxious to find out what the final death count was for America's first nuclear accident.

After careful consideration, it was determined that no lives were lost in this accident. And although one of the two reactors was permanently shut down, adventure-loving vacationers were still able to make the trip to Three Mile Island, now exposing themselves to less than almost certain death.

With President Jimmy Carter giving the country economy-busting double-digit interest rates, cripplingly high inflation, and a slate of failed policies, America was thirsty for change during the former peanut farmer's re-election campaign of 1980. Challenging Carter and his lack of success was Hollywood's own favorite Republican, Ronald Reagan.

Reagan gathered his domestic and foreign policy experience on the sets of movies like
This Is the Army
and
Bedtime for Bonzo
, and to a lesser extent, as a two-term governor in the state of California. Even without Austrian-born bodybuilder Arnold Schwarzenegger's trademark grunts (now a big part of today's California governor's office), Reagan was widely viewed as the great communicator. Playing to win and not just to place, Reagan selected Texas businessman and Republican Party Primary loser George H. W. Bush to be his running mate. Because of the U.S. state of affairs at the time, plus a home-field advantage in two of the largest states, the Reagan-Bush ticket easily took the election.

Reagan took office in January 1981, with his wife, Nancy, and her “just say no to drugs” mantra by his side. Sixty-nine days after taking office and becoming the desire of aging widows across the country, Reagan was shot outside the Washington Hilton following a speaking engagement.
IMMEDIATE SPECULATION WAS THAT IT MIGHT BE THE BITTER AND JEALOUS ACTOR MICHAEL LANDON FROM LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE WHO HAD PULLED THE TRIGGER.
However, within seconds of the shots being fired, the pride of Texas, John Warnock Hinckley Jr., was found holding the .22 caliber gun used in the assassination attempt. Hinckley's reason for the assault: he wanted to gain the attention of Jodie Foster, whom he saw in the movie
Taxi Driver
. Unfortunately for Hinckley, Foster didn't like men the way Sharon Stone likes men; she liked men the way a sister is supposed to like her brother. Foster's personal top ten list of most desirable was full of people who peed sitting down.

Even with a bullet from a mentally ill drifter in his lung, Reagan managed to keep the sense of humor that had endeared him to the American public intact. Reportedly while on a gurney, with the bullet still inside him, he asked the young nurse who held his hand “Does Nancy know about us?” And as he went into surgery to have the bullet removed, he gamely told the surgeon, “I hope you are a Republican.”

Following his recovery from his assassination attempt, Reagan completed his two-term presidency, opposing Communism at every turn and often referring to the Soviet Union as the Evil Empire. He endeared himself to the very wealthy by cutting their taxes in support of his trickle-down economic plan. He rebuilt our military while advocating for peace through strength. Sadly, President Reagan lost his fight against Alzheimer's on June 5, 2004.