The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (6 page)

B
y 1773, the colonists had developed a “fuck you” attitude toward the mother country. Tired of the British attempts to control the settlers in the New World, many of the early arrivers to the area began looking for ways of establishing their own economic and social identity. For some of the new-bies who packed their entrepreneurial spirit with them, it became a popular practice to smuggle tea into the colonies. Steve Jobs and Michael Dell wan-nabes like John Hancock could sell their circumventive tea at a lower price, as the legitimate British tea that was being imported had a colonial tax imposed on it by the British Parliament.

The powerful British East India Company was responsible for importing their tasty tea into the colonies. It appeared to the BEI that tea smuggling had taken on a hugely popular multilevel marketing platform, as their sales in the colonies dropped from 320,000 pounds per annum to a mere 520 pounds per annum, or the approximate weight of Republican radio host and prescription drug enthusiast Rush Limbaugh's ego. Facing large debts and a huge supply of tea with nowhere to sell it as the colonial tax made it impossible to compete on price, the BEI begged for help from the British government.

In response to BEI's fit throwing, the British passed the “let's try and please everyone” Tea Act. This piece of legislation allowed the BEI to import their delicious tea into the colonies completely tax free. By removing the tax, BEI could now sell their tea for even less than those participating in Amway's smuggled tea pyramid. The king's representative in the colonies, Lord North, nicknamed Peter for the use of his outrageously long tea spout, figured it would be a winning deal for all involved. Instead, the settlers saw the removal of the tea tax as a way of creating an instant tea monopoly for BEI in the colonies.

The wig-wearing British Parliament underestimated the effects of the 1773 Tea Act coming on the heels of the 1767 Townshend Acts, which came on the heels of the 1765 Stamp Act. Many in the colonies were
steamed
about taxes being implemented and changed without having a say in the matter.
OUT OF FRUSTRATION, THE FAMOUS LINE “NO TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION” BECAME POPULAR AS AMWAY SALESMAN STARTED SELLING HATS, T-SHIRTS, AND BUMPER STICKERS TO THEIR FAMILY AND FRIENDS WITH THE SLOGAN PRINTED ON IT.
The appearance that the British government was attempting to create a monopoly on tea sales for the BEI Company was the final straw for many colonists. An effort was made to turn away BEI's ships like same sex lovers at a Focus on the Family conference before they could even make landfall. However, in Boston the BEI had the support of the pro-British governor, and they were able to make it into port with their cargo of tea.

On December 16, 1773, the night before the tea was to be unloaded, approximately sixty local Boston residents, believed to be led by Samuel Adams, dressed up as Mohawk Indians and boarded the three ships, the
Dartmouth
, the
Eleanor
, and the
Beaver
, and began destroying the cargo. Nonparticipating witnesses have said the colonists dressed up not only as Indians, but also as police, construction workers, sailors, and cowboys, and that the after-party really got out of hand. Police reported hearing loud chants of “Y-M-C-A,” but nobody seemed to understand its relevance.
ONCE THE SHIPS WERE BOARDED, THEY DIDN'T BOTHER TO STEAL THE TEA, THEY SIMPLY DUMPED ALL 342 CRATES OF TEA INTO BOSTON HARBOR WHILE DANCING TO A FUNKADELIC DISCO BEAT.

Reaction to this Tea Party was mixed at best. Colonists such as Ben Franklin were on record condemning the act, and Franklin even offered to pay the British back out of his own resources. The British were shocked, to say the least. Fashionistas were said to decry the costume choices by the colonists. The British were angry, and like a parent putting a young child in time-out, the British closed the port of Boston immediately and went on to pass the “Intolerable Acts.” These acts were set in place to punish this kind of resistance in the future. They are also credited as being one of the events that led up to the Revolutionary War, which granted the colonists their independence from the British. Recently, it has been speculated that the British have sought revenge against the United States with attempts to make us watch Hugh Grant movies and soccer games. However, quick-thinking Americans have struck back by stealing many generations of English chefs and dentists, causing an epidemic in England of poor teeth and horrible food.

The Henrys were a demanding family. It was in their blood. John Henry demanded sex on a regular basis and his wife was happy to accommodate.

The byproduct of their frequent encounters was eleven children, including the favored Patrick Henry. Known to have the characteristics of a Latin lover long before there were Latin men living the American dream, John proved to have the sexual stones and genetic make up to produce offspring with great oratory skills.

As parents, John Henry and his wife Sarah Winston Syme were a demanding pair. They ordered their kids to eat their vegetables and were just as inflexible when it came to education.
FEARING HIS INABILITY TO COORDINATE PARENT- TEACHER CONFERENCES FOR ALL ELEVEN OF HIS KIDS, JOHN CHOSE TO EDUCATE HIS KIDS AT HOME.
By home schooling Patrick and his siblings they were able to avoid all the hazards that children who attended traditional government-run schools in the 1700s were forced to deal with. The pressure to decide whether or not to join a gang, who to bring to the prom, or whether the blonde on the bus or the brunette in homeroom was most likely to put out were things the Henry children did not have to deal with. Released from these stresses, Patrick was free to learn the skills from his father that would eventually land him a wife with an attractive dowry.

Swearing off sex before marriage, Patrick used his father's virility as proof that the Henrys were accomplished sexual performers and that any woman who would commit herself to him would be in line for some off the charts satisfying encounters. Confident he was a solid catch, Patrick followed the Henry family tradition and demanded a dowry in return for giving his bachelorhood away.

The first to take the bait was Sarah Shelton, a horny Virginia girl. With her came a 600-acre tobacco farm and six slaves as a dowry. Unfortunately for Patrick, none of the slaves were of Native American heritage. This proved to be important when a severe drought hit Virginia and none of the African slaves working the land could muster up an adequate rain dance to bring much needed precipitation to the Henry farm. Upset with his slaves for not making it rain when they were told to, Patrick sold the six underperforming slaves to raise enough capital to start a store. Unfortunately, Patrick's father was an underwriter for Countrywide Home Loans, so when he taught Economics 101 to the Henry kids, he taught them to extend credit liberally.
PATRICK'S FREDDY MAC — LIKE LENDING PRACTICES RESULTED IN THE BUSINESS FAILING

With a failed farm and a failed business on his resume, Patrick relied on his father to call in a couple of favors from his friends of influence. With a little arm twisting Patrick was granted a license to practice law. Shortly thereafter, Patrick parlayed his newfound stature in the community into a seat in the House of Burgesses. Patrick used this platform to give one of the most famous speeches in American history. Using his enthusiastic hatred toward the British as a backdrop, Patrick spoke to the members of the House of Burgesses, and of course, made demands.

Although the last line was rich in hyperbole and lacked sincerity, Patrick's speech was well received by both the slave lords of the South and the carpetbaggers-to-be of the North, leading to an Al Davis — like, “Just Win, Baby” mentality that proved to unite and inspire those ready to resist the British. Henry's most famous demand became a rallying cry of sorts for colonists to throw off the British rule and to, of course, demand their freedom.