The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (8 page)

Since 1775, the Revolutionary War had been dragging on like a Keanu Reeves romantic comedy. Inside the thirteen colonies, farmers and more farmers were moonlighting as part-time militia combatants. The American army was short on military equipment but had a great supply of hoes.

Tired of the hours and the threat of death, a contingent of frustrated and unenthusiastic white military men convinced Continental Commander in Chief George Washington to allow black men to sign away the freedom that most of them did not enjoy and join white America's fight to free itself from the bonds of the even-paler-skinned British. As the war dragged on, with the assistance of new black soldiers, the great Caucasian minds of our founding fathers took to the less violent and subsequently less dangerous job of crafting a Declaration of Independence from the hygiene-challenged British.

As Congress met in June 1776, public support for independence was quickly swelling. This bulging of support was a reaction to King George's constant confrontational stroking of American tempers with unfair acts of taxation. With the chance for reconciliation now flaccid, America and its Congress took the bold step of approving a declaration of freedom and appointing a committee to draft such a document.

Thomas Jefferson, demonstrating that you need to work smarter and not harder, drafted the working copy of the Declaration of Independence between June 11 and June 28 in 1776. T.J. later admitted that the reason behind the quick turnaround of such an elaborate document is that he ripped most of it off from John Locke and the Continental philosophers. T.J. knew that if the United States did in fact win its freedom, copyright laws and enforcement were years away leaving him free to enjoy a Mötley Crüe — like harvest of adoring female fans attracted to his fame for authoring the most important document ever to be created in the United States. Locke, on the other hand, died in 1704 unknown and undersexed.

Jefferson wrote some of the first draft, plagiarized some of the first draft, wrote some more of the first draft, and plagiarized the rest before submitting the working document to the rest of the committee for their silent feedback. On the committee were recognizable names like John Adams and Ben Franklin, along with less recognizable names like Robert Livingston and Roger Sherman.
THE FAMILIES OF SHERMAN AND LIVINGSTON HAVE TAKEN OUT “MISSING SINCE 1776” BILLBOARDS ALONG MOST INTERSTATE HIGHWAYS SINCE NO ONE HAS HEARD FROM THEM SINCE.

With the committee's input mostly ignored, T.J. looked for a few more passages to borrow and then presented the final document to Congress on June 28, 1776. On July 2, 1776, with each colony receiving a single vote, the Congress adopted the document by a vote of twelve yeas and one abstention. The Congress had already voted thirteen “hell yeas” to zero “nays” in favor of wearing the funny white wigs. John Adams wrote to his wife that July 2 was destined to become a famous day in American history.

Surprisingly, Congress debated two more days on several sections, removing almost a quarter of T.J.'s originally crafted plagiarized document.
THE MOST SPIRITED DEBATE BETWEEN THE NORTH AND SOUTH WAS THE VERSE: “SLAVERY: JUST SAY NAY.”
Ultimately, the verse was removed and an accord on the final wording for the declaration of Independence was reached on July 4, 1776. Abigail Adams, having jumped the gun with her entrepreneurial spirit, never did unload her “Peeing in British Tea since July 2, 1776” T-shirts and buttons.

As much as Americans value their independence, many famous stars find themselves dependent on their substance or compulsion of choice. See if you can match the star to their dependence:

1.  
   

2. Amy Winehouse
   

    
   

3. Robert Downey, Jr.
   

    
   

4. Charlie Sheen
   

    
   

5. Britney Spears
   

    
   

6. Eddie Vedder
   

    
   

7. Kurt Cobain
   

    
   

8. Courtney Love
   

    
   

9. Hugh Hefner
   

    
   

10. Oprah Winfrey
    

     
    

11. David Hasselhoff
    

     
    

12. 11. Victoria Beckham
    

1.  
   

2. Prone to bouts of darkness and will assault you for singing his precious lyrics aloud without permission.
   

    
   

3. B. Twinkies, Twinkies, Twinkies!
   

   

    
   

4. Starred in an '80s flick where he had relations with men to pay for cocaine — we hope life never imitated art.
   

    
   

5. Dual addictions: looking cheesy and looking in the mirror at himself.
   

    
   

6. The second most addicted to sex on this list and that's amazing considering his track record.
   

    
   

7. Habitual flasher, never fails to participate in “No panties Thursday.”
   

    
   

8. Sadly … heroin.
   

    
   

9. Outer addiction to women covers up his inner gayness.
   

    
   

10. One hot-selling record and a hotter-selling drug habit. Weekly interventions required.
    

     
    

11. Addicted to bad clothes, '80s sk8er hair, and frowning.
    

     
    

12. Public intoxication as well as drunk and disorderly beefs with the law.