The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (11 page)

Benefiting from his parents' dislike for public education, George Washington enjoyed the rigors of his at-home-only education. Free from the restraints of an enormously underfunded public school system, young George took his home-schooled education with him when he joined the Virginia Militia days after hitting puberty, earning the distinction of lieutenant colonel at the My Space-obsessed age of sixteen.

In addition to being an enthusiastic killing machine, Washington moonlighted as a surveyor, measuring and plotting the earth's surface. He could tell you where your yard ends and your neighbor's yard begins, and whether it was okay to ignore the imaginary boundary of physical property and enjoy an affair with the wife next door.

ALTHOUGH IT WASN'T HIS NEIGHBOR'S WIFE, GEORGE DID ENJOY SOME EXTRACURRICULAR SEX AND FRUITY DRINKS WITH BIG-HAIRED JERSEY GIRL MARY GIBBONS.
Despite Gibbons's best effort to satisfy George's Ron Jeremy — like appetite for off-the-charts action, rumors quickly spread of George's illicit parties with slave girls at his Mount Vernon home. Washington capitalized on these rumors by garnering the support needed to be appointed adjunct general of the Virginia Militia in 1752.

In 1753 George had the honor of delivering a message from the British to the French while holding wine tastings in the Ohio Valley: Get the fuck out. The French ignored Washington, and actually captured George in a skirmish at Fort Necessity. He was released, and later he returned with British General Braddock in 1755 to successfully kick the French out. Tired of a soldier's life, Washington turned his back on public service and retired to his Mount Vernon estate, where he satisfied his need for “strange” by marrying a serviceable widow named Martha Dandridge Custis. Following the honeymoon, George went into semiretirement for several years, farming and partying with the woman that he held the title to at his Mount Vernon home.

George took an active interest in the feud between the colonists and the British. As tensions escalated, George, ever the public servant, was sucked back into action. He left the cushy retired life and attended the meeting of the Second Continental Congress in Philadelphia as a delegate from Virginia in 1775. There he was elected the commander in chief of the ragtag Continental army. After approximately six years of cat and mouse, the British tired, and Washington accepted British surrender from General Cornwallis at Yorktown in 1781. Washington re-retired, or so he thought, to Mount Vernon.

After years of successful military leadership culminating in the surrender of the crotchety old General Cornwallis at Yorktown in 1781, Washington was enjoying a re-kindling of marital flames with Martha, however, his inability to walk away from the young nation's problems led him to the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia in 1787 and ultimately back into service for his country. George benefited from the idea that letting every citizen have a voice in their leadership would be time consuming, expensive and, unnecessary. The Electoral College did away with the messy counting of Americans' votes, and in 1789, Washington became the first president of the United States as a handful of representatives forced their will on the rest of the country. George had the distinct honor of being the first of a near-perfect line of white presidents in American history.

With the constitutional document already passed, James Madison began his Billy Graham — like crusade to protect the individual rights of priests, strippers, drug dealers, thieves, and the common man. He proposed twelve constitutional amendments (of which ten were passed) during a congressional all-night cocaine binge in New York City on September 25, 1789. With angel dust all over the historic manuscript, Bill O'Reilly of Fox News reported that the dirty little document was sure to be the most litigated legislation in American history. The signing of the Bill of Rights effectively provided for the following guarantees:

The first amendment protects crazy Pentecostal Church of God attendees, allowing them to handle deadly snakes and drink rattlesnake venom during service while at the same time allowing the
National Enquirer
to report on political commentator Dick Morris's fetish for sucking the toes of prostitutes.

This little beauty protects the rights of gangsters and rednecks to own truckloads of pistols, AK-47s, hand grenades, and atomic bombs.

This amendment prohibits the men serving in our military to sleep with another man's wife without his consent.

This amendment makes it much more difficult for police officers to search the trunk of Snoop Dogg's car just because he is black and looks high.

This amendment was written to ensure that O.J. Simpson never has to explain the cuts on his hands, the bloody Bruno Mali shoe prints, the missing clothes, and the loud sound outside Kato Kaelin's bedroom. It also makes sure that just because of the incompetence of District Attorney Marcia Clarke and her overwhelmed assistant district attorney Christopher Darden, O.J. cannot be tried again on the criminal charges of killing his ex-wife and her eyeglass-returning good Samaritan friend, Ron Goldman.

This amendment ensures that not only are tax payers required to pay for the incarceration of the poor, but they are also required to pay for their subpar defense.

This allows endless lawsuits in federal court that require the use of a jury of your peers who were too dumb to avoid jury duty.

Unfortunately, this has all but ended modern-day firing squads here in the United States.

This special clause allows for the fact that much of what needs to be protected has been left out of the Bill of Rights. This makes sure that whether it was intentional or careless, the citizens of the United States are not limited to the rights outlined in the Bill of Rights. This vague amendment makes room for women to choose contraception and abortion.

This allows the federal government to defer back to the states any issues it finds too complicated or divisive to deal with on their own, like the legal age of sexual consent.