The Spectacular Now (13 page)

“Oh, sure.” The girl can absolutely not look me in the eye. “You’re just saying that because you’re a nice guy.”

“Me, a nice guy? Are you kidding? I’m not a nice guy. I’m completely serious. I mean, if I wasn’t serious would I do this?”

I tilt up her chin and lay a big fat kiss right on her. And I don’t mean some polite, brotherly, nice-guy kiss either. I’m talking a long, deep, molar-swabbing French kiss with all the toppings.

“Whew,” she says when I pull back.

“You’re damn right,
whew
.” Just to make sure she gets the point, I go back for another one. What else am I going to do, let the girl sit there on a railing in the moonlight thinking she’s damned to go dudeless for the rest of her life?

Chapter 33

Hangovers are tricky. They’re kind of like practical jokers. You never know quite how they’re going to hit you. I used to enjoy them. They didn’t give me a headache or a sick stomach or anything like that. Instead, I’d feel cleansed. Redeemed. If it was a really serious party the night before, I’d get this survivor-like sensation, like Robinson Crusoe after a shipwreck, washed up on the shore of a new day, ready for the next adventure.

Lately, though, my hangovers have started to take on a mean streak. It’s the opposite of that fine redemption feeling—a vague, weird guilt instead. Maybe it’s just a chemical thing, the old brain misfiring, the wiring short-circuiting. Or maybe it comes from not exactly being able to remember everything you did the night before.

For example, I’m not exactly sure how I got back in the house without Mom and Geech finding out I was ever gone. Normally, you’d just chalk something like that up to being God’s own drunk—he’s looking out for you in your beautiful intoxication—but then you start wondering what else you might’ve got up to the night before, what you said, what you did, who you did it with. Then, the next thing you know, you end up spending half the day feeling like the Antichrist when the fact is you didn’t do a thing to hurt a soul.

That’s the kind of hangover that hits me the morning after the party. I say
morning,
but really it’s after twelve when I wake up. For some reason, as soon as my eyes open, I start in worrying about Aimee. It’s ridiculous. I didn’t do anything but try to build the girl up. She liked the kissing. There’s no doubt about that. And to tell the truth, I didn’t mind it myself. I would’ve laid another one on her when I took her home, but I ended up having to hold her hair while she puked off the side of the porch instead.

But what happened between the time we left the pier and when we said good night is a little sketchy. I keep trying to remember what all we talked about on the drive home, but my memory is like a broken watch that you can’t find all the pieces to. I know we talked about doing something else together, but I’m not sure what it was. There’s a gnawing feeling that I might have told her I’d take her to the prom, but that might just be a trick the hangover’s playing on me. I mean, why would I do that? The prom is still a good way off, and I’ll probably be back with Cassidy by that time.

Then another memory slinks back in, and this time I’m pretty sure I really did it. I told her I’d help with the paper route this morning. I meant it too. I sincerely did intend to get up at three a.m. and drive to her house with a big thermos of instant coffee. Apparently, I never did actually set the alarm, though. It was an honest mistake. Could’ve happened to anyone. Still, the idea of her sitting and waiting on that cold front porch is enough to smack the Antichrist heebie-jeebies right up the side of the pope’s head.

The best thing to do for a hangover like this is take a shower, consume some hearty protein, take a shot of whisky, and go over to Ricky’s. Nothing makes you feel more regular than just being around your best buddy. With Mom and Geech out hobnobbing all afternoon, I shouldn’t have any problem getting away, except for one extraordinary development. When I call Ricky’s house, his mother says he isn’t back from going to church with Bethany. This is astounding. Ricky at church? What’s the world coming to?

Luckily, he calls back about an hour later, and I talk him into heading over to the mall for our usual people-watching deal. I don’t mention a thing about church. Not yet. On the way over to the mall, I do take note that he’s not firing up a fat blaze, though. When I ask him about it, he says he’s out of weed completely.

“You’re out? Since when do you ever run out?”

“I told you, dude, I’m cutting back. I mean, what’s the use of getting high all the time? It’s not special anymore. There’s no celebration to it.”

“I guess that’s one way of looking at it.” I’m really starting to wish I’d never hooked him up with Bethany.

“Besides, it gets a little tiresome when you’re so high you go to the movies and look up at the marquee and think the starting times are the ticket prices. I mean, I remember standing there going, ‘Ten-fifteen? What kind of price is ten dollars and fifteen cents?’ It’s a hassle.”

“Yeah, one time I was putting gas in my car and thought the number of gallons was the price. I even got into an argument with the cashier. It was hilarious.”

“I mean, it’s not like I can’t go pick some up if you’re wanting to get high.”

“That’s all right. You know me—I only smoke the stuff if I’ve had a few drinks first. Besides, my head’s already hungover-weird enough.”

“Wasted last night?”

“I wouldn’t say wasted. Just heavily fortified.”

Chapter 34

At the mall, we snag a couple of lattes and park by the escalator for prime people-viewing. The only thing is, I keep feeling like everyone’s staring at me instead of the other way around. They’re not, but it’s just this creepy paranoia that I don’t quite fit in, kind of like how it is sometimes if you don’t drink enough before hitting the killer weed. Like everyone else is something normal—beagles or dachshunds—and I’m this big hairy cross between a Newfoundland and a Shetland pony. I can practically hear them thinking, What’s that damn Shetfoundland pony doing with that latte over there?

Ricky goes, “Kind of a boring crowd out today,” and I’m like, “That’s because you’re not high. I could use a drink myself.”

“I thought you were cutting back.”

“Where’d you get that idea?”

“From you. We were talking about it. I said I was cutting back to just partying on weekends.”

“It’s Sunday, dude. It still is the weekend, officially.”

“You know what I mean. Quit overdoing it. All things in moderation.”

“All things in moderation? What’s happening to you? No weed, going to church on Sundays. Listen, dude, we were born to be jungle children. We were born to roam the wild in loincloths bearing blow guns and knives. Now look at you. Next thing I know I’ll be calling you Deacon Ricky. You’ll be preaching me the fire and brimstone. And I’ll say, ‘I used to know that dude when he thought religion was out to turn us all into zombies.’”

He shakes his head. “Dude, what do I need a blowgun for? What am I going to do, fell myself a burger at Mickey D’s? Anyway, I’m just going to church because that’s what she does.”

“Can we say
hypocrite,
boys and girls?”

“Screw you, Sutter. I’m not a hypocrite.”

I’m not letting him off the hook that easy, though. “Yeah, it’s
Dawn of the Dead
all over again, starring Ricky the zombie, stumbling through the mall. That guy getting off the escalator over there is going to be you, wearing sandals and socks and a fanny pack, leading his kid around on a leash.”

Ricky gets a chuckle out of that even though it’s aimed at him. “Dude,” he says. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. For one thing, I don’t have anything against religion. It’s not like I don’t believe in some kind of God. It’s just the holier-than-thou crap that rankles me. Besides, I’m not looking to get saved. I’m only going with her because it’s what you do when you’re in a relationship. You know? You slide into the third pew from the front and sit there thinking about how desperate all these people are to feel like something loves them. They’ll believe all kinds of hocus-pocus. But your girlfriend likes it, and you like her, so you do it. It’s called compromise. The only way you’re going to get something to last in this world is to work at it.”

“Right. And then it’ll last for ever and ever.” I’m all sarcastic and everything. “But aren’t you the dude with the theory on built-in obsolescence?”

“That doesn’t mean I have to just give up. That’s not how relationships work.”

“Listen to you. You’ve had one girlfriend for two weeks, and all of a sudden you’re the Guru of Love.”

“Well, at least I’ve got a girlfriend.”

I sink back in my seat. “That was a low blow.”

“Sorry, but, you know, if you want Cassidy back, you need to change some things, dude.”

“A lot you know.” I tell him about Cassidy’s e-mail and our little chat at the party last night. “It’s obvious, isn’t it? She’s jonesing for the Sutterman.”

“Is that right? Well, how come we just happened to see Shannon Williams at church and she said Cassidy left with Marcus, and she saw you walking off into the woods with some girl in a giant purple coat, who I assume was Aimee Finecky?”

“Hey, it doesn’t matter who Cassidy left with last night. All that matters is who she winds up with, and by the end of next week, you can bet it’ll be me.”

“And you’re using Aimee Finecky just to make her jealous, is that it?”

“No, that’s not it. I explained the whole Aimee thing to you already.”

“Oh, right, you’re rescuing her from the abyss. But, dude, let me ask you this—what happens when she falls in love with you?”

“Love?” I take a hit off my latte. It’s a little bitter. “Believe me, dude, no way is that girl going to fall in love with a guy like me.”

Chapter 35

At school the next couple of days, it’s not like I’m dodging Aimee. I’m just not going out of my way to run into her. After all, we don’t have any of the same classes or anything. Cassidy, on the other hand, I just happen to run into a bunch—in the parking lot, on the front steps, outside the girls’ bathroom. Only a couple of times is she with Marcus, so we’re able to get some good conversation in, a few laughs, a little touchy-touchy on the arm, the back, that kind of thing.

By Thursday, we’re completely comfortable in each other’s space again. We’re practically intimate. “So,” she says, “do you have to work this afternoon?”

“No, Bob cut me back to three days a week.”

“Are you still grounded?”

“I guess not. Mom and Geech really don’t have the interest to keep track of something like that for very long.”

“Good, because I need to go shopping and could use some company. You want to come with?”

“Maybe if you twist my arm.”

She grabs hold of my wrist—tight—and I’m like, “Uncle, uncle, okay, I give.”

“Pick me up at two,” she says. “Don’t be late.”

All right, so I’m going to follow Ricky’s advice, at least a little bit. He says I have to make some changes to get Cassidy back, so I will. I pledge to myself that I’ll be on time to pick her up, and what do you know? I am.

She’s looking very hot. White cable-knit sweater, blue jeans, boots, gold hoop earrings. The girl knows how to put herself together without seeming like she went to any effort at all. We hit several stores—Old Navy, the Gap, a local place called Lola Wong’s—but they don’t have the certain kind of pants she wants for her friend Kendra’s birthday present.

I have to admit, in the past, when I went to stores with Cassidy, about half the time I’d end up waiting in the car. I mean, I don’t understand the female fascination with shopping. For me, I just want to go in, buy what I want, and get out. This isn’t how girls operate at all. It’s like a police investigation with them. No piece of evidence can go without thorough inspection. They might as well pack along a forensics kit.

But I’m the new, patient Sutter. I go into every store and look at every item and nod and make listening sounds—hmmm, oh, uh-huh. I even let her hold up pants to my waist to see how they’re going to look. As if Kendra and I had anywhere close to the same build! The pants all look the same to me, but none of them are quite what Cassidy’s looking for. Luckily, I brought along my flask.

Actually, it’s good that we have to hit so many stores. I want the afternoon to last. It gives us both plenty of time to take nips off the whisky and start getting past that awkward balancing act of the ex-boyfriend and ex-girlfriend trying to pretend they’re just friends now. By the time we leave Lola Wong’s, we’re having a great time, walking along doing the playful shoulder-bump thing, laughing at whatever, everything but holding hands.

She says screw the shopping, she can always find Kendra’s pants later, so I fill up the gas tank to go cruising. It doesn’t matter where to. We don’t have anyplace we have to be. The afternoon is ours.

I steer the conversation to the good times we used to have together, the parties, the concerts, the haunted house at Halloween. There are funny stories to go along with all of them. One memory really gets her going—last August when we sat on my roof in the rain and watched the lightning going crazy off to the west. It was charging straight our way, but we didn’t care.

“That was amazing,” she says, her eyes lighting up. “The rain felt so good on my skin. And the lightning cracking across the whole sky—it was better than any fireworks show ever. I mean, that must have been so dangerous, but I don’t know—I could just feel the electrical power like it was running through my veins or something.”

“It wasn’t dangerous,” I say. “We were immune to lightning that night. We had a spell on us.”

“We did. We did have a spell on us.” She pauses for a second. “I don’t know how many times I felt like that, just a handful. And every time was with you.”

I give her the old Sutter grin. “Well, you know me—the Amazing Sutter, master of prestidigitation.”

“You are.” She smiles and gazes through the windshield. “You bring the magic. I feel it right now. It’s like nothing can touch us, like everything else in the world—the problems, the responsibilities—have just disappeared. We’re in our own universe. I’d really miss it if we lost that.”

I give her neck a squeeze. “You don’t have to miss it. It’s right here. No worries, no fears, just a big fat Thursday afternoon wrapping us up in its arms.”

She leans over and nuzzles her head against my shoulder. “That’s right,” she says. “There’s nothing but right now. I don’t want to think about anything but that. Is that okay? Can we just do that?”

I rub my cheek across her hair and go, “Hey, it’s me, Sutter. Of course, we can do that.”

By the time we get back to my house, we’ve polished off the flask and started on beer, but we don’t even put a dent in that. I don’t know how many times we’ve made out on the living room couch, but kissing Cassidy was never sweeter than it is this time. Her hands swirl under my shirt like wild minks and mine do the same under her sweater. Every time I start to say something, her mouth clamps back on mine.

It’s a challenge to keep kissing while walking up stairs, not to mention peeling off clothes at the same time, but you know what they say—you gotta do what you gotta do. As we lie down on my bed, this feeling swells up in me like my whole chest could burst open and a bunch of new undiscovered colors would come flying out. Her body has never looked so beautiful, except for maybe the first time I saw it.

“You know how I feel about you,” I tell her, and she says, “Don’t talk.”

Then a weird thing happens. Her hands stop skittering and her body stiffens. I’m still kissing her heavy and firm but she’s not kissing back. It’s like yelling across a beautiful canyon and waiting for an echo that never comes.

I’m like, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Just go ahead.”

“What do you mean, ‘just go ahead’?”

“Just go ahead and do it.” She’s lying perfectly still now. Her eyes are closed, and all the electricity has drained out of her.

I prop myself up on one elbow and look down at her. “I can’t do it if that’s how you’re going to be.”

Of course, part of me is thinking I really could
physically
do it, but that wouldn’t be any good. The whole magnetic thing about sex is you want the other person to want
you.
I mean, that’s what separates us from the animals. That and haircuts.

“Are you thinking about Marcus or something?” I hate to mention another guy’s name when I’m in bed with a naked girl, but it’s a question that has to be asked.

Her eyes clench tighter.

“Are you, like, in love with him?”

“I don’t want to talk about him right now.” Her bottom lip’s trembling.

“It’s just a yes or no thing. I’m not asking for a whole essay.”

“I don’t know.” The tears start to track down. “Maybe. I’m, like, really confused right now.”

“What about me? What about this afternoon?”

“That’s what’s got me so confused.” She pauses and sniffs. This is looking like it’s going to be one of those real red-faced, high-snot-content kind of cries. “This afternoon has been wonderful. It really has.”

“But?”

“But, you know, it’s just one afternoon.”

“There’ll be other afternoons.”

“I know. And believe me, I don’t have fun with anyone like I do with you, but I can’t go around having fun all the time. I have my serious side too.”

“Hey, I’m serious. I’m one hundred percent serious about not being serious. Now, that’s a commitment.”

“I know you are.” There’s just the slightest upward curve at the corners of her mouth. “But you know how it is with Marcus—he has a plan. He doesn’t just talk about making a difference in the world, he does something about it. It’s just that sometimes it’s too much. I mean, he already has this whole plan for where our relationship is going and how I can go to New Mexico to college with him, and after a year we’ll start living together and then get married right after we get our degrees.”

“Married? He’s already talking about getting married? After what, two weeks? Does this guy not know the definition of
creepy
?”

“And sometimes he makes me feel like we’re responsible for fixing every homeless, poor, starving, downtrodden person in the whole city. And you know me. I do care about those things too. I do. You’ve heard me talk about them a million times. But I can’t think about it all the time. Sometimes I have to let loose, forget about everything else, and just live in the
right now.
”

“Of course, you do. Everyone does. You go around worrying about that stuff all the time and next thing you know you’re giving yourself an aneurysm. You have blood spurting out of your ears. Doctors are wheeling you into the emergency room, yelling ‘stat’ and ‘code blue’ and everything. You don’t want that, do you?”

“No, I don’t want that. But I don’t want just Thursday afternoons either. I don’t want just moments. I want a whole life.”

“Cassidy, don’t you know—life is made out of Thursday afternoons. You just keep having them one after the other and let everything else take care of itself.”

She opens her eyes and gives me a warm smile. There’s love in it, but not the kind that sticks. “I wish it could be like that,” she says. “You don’t know how much I wish it could be like that.”

“It can be. You just have to believe.”

“I guess that’s my problem,” she says. “I’m too realistic.”

I can see where this is going—and it doesn’t end up in Happily-Ever-Afterland either. The best thing for me to do is head her off and get there first.

“That’s all right.” I kiss her on the forehead and pat her shoulder. “You and I’ll just be friends, then. You come to me when you need a laugh. You can have your
real
life with Marcus.”

She reaches up and strokes my cheek. Tears stream into the corners of her smile. “You really are magic, Sutter. And I wish that was enough. I really do.”

I want to tell her it is. I want to swear to the king of the king of the kings it’s enough. But this afternoon the magic has all run out.