The Spook Who Spoke Again: A Flavia Albia Short Story (2 page)

My father has told me how to write up an enquiry. I don’t have a paying client to report to, but I still have to be specific, to help any poor barbarians who might read my account one day. So pay attention, hairy barbarians: the death of my ferret took place in the year of the consuls Titus Aurelius Fulvus and Marcus Asinius Atrantinus. Do not ask me who they are. Nonentities who won’t annoy the Emperor, says Falco. Ones who like risk, adds Albia. It happened in the city of Rome in Italy, Europe, the World. It was August and scorchingly hot.

A famous fact is that Rome is built on seven hills, but I know there are more. I have been making a list in my geography notebook and so far I have counted twelve hills, if you include the Oppian, Janiculan, Vatican, Cispian and Velian. While Mons Testaceus is a hill too, it consists of broken potsherds so I have decided that it doesn’t count. I believe the real ones are called: the Capitoline, Palatine, Aventine, Esquiline, Quirinal, Caelian and Viminal. As you can see, the hills of Rome are very badly organised. If I have identified the real Seven Hills correctly, they are all on the other side of the river from where Ferret was killed. They are in the main part of the city, where I grew up.

The river I mentioned is the famous River Tiber. It is the most important river in Italy, though it is full of brown mud and its flow is often sluggish. Don’t fall in or jump in because you may catch horrible diseases. It goes right past our house (where I used to live before Thalia collected me), which is on the Marble Embankment, a favourable position where you can look out and watch ships. Before the embankment was properly built, the house flooded every year. I have never seen that happen, I am sorry to say, but our downstairs rooms all have strange patches on their plaster and in winter they smell peculiar.

From our roof, which my father has cluttered up with flowerpots, you can look over the river at the Janiculan Hill. That is one of the extra hills of Rome that have been incorrectly added in by people who are not methodical. Lying below the Janiculan ridge is the Transtiberina district where many colourful foreigners live. It is the only official district of Rome on that side of the river. I was brought up on this side in the Aventine District, which is number thirteen. Thalia had taken me across to the Transtiberina, number fourteen, which is where Ferret was going to have his fatal meeting with the python. It was the first time Ferret and I visited the Transtiberina properly because I am not allowed to cross any of the bridges on my own.

Sometimes rules like that are imposed on me by Falco or Helena, who say it is for my safety. Usually I just pretend I have forgotten them telling me, and then I do what I want anyway. The rule about the bridges had managed to be followed correctly, mainly because I had not yet examined the lifestyles and character of any foreigners, a subject I was saving up until I could study them properly. I believe there are rather a lot of them and it will take a long time to place them all in categories.

I was interested to be taken across the river now, though as we made the journey many of the people we passed stared at us, which I found unpleasant. Thalia had clearly never heard my father’s rule, which he endlessly tells us, of do not draw attention to yourself. Her tiny clothes and the way she bulged out of them caused much excitement. She could never have gone on surveillance anywhere, if she suddenly spotted a villain who needed watching. The villain would notice her at once. She was in front, riding a donkey and carrying my luggage, so I lagged behind as much as possible hoping that nobody thought I was with her. Some whistled. Some called out rude words. I tried to remember the words, to add to a collection I keep.

From other occasions when Thalia had visited Rome, I had worked out why she set up camp in the Transtiberina. A lot of the people who worked for her and all of the animals were foreign, so they fitted in over there. Another reason was that the entertainments they gave to the public generally happened in that location. At the far end of the Janiculan Hill, the north end, the Emperor Nero had built a Circus, when he wanted to race in chariots with people watching and cheering his expertise. It’s called the Circus of Gaius and Nero because the earlier emperor Gaius began it, only he was killed for being a crazy madman. He sounds an interesting subject for study. Later, Nero thought it would make a good place for chariots. He was also a crazy madman so went well with Gaius. I could say
like someone else we know
, but I had better not in case our emperor kills me. He is fond of executions.

Close by is another arena that was built by the first Emperor, Augustus, who was horribly sane, a building which is called the Naumachia because it can be flooded with water in order to be used for mock naval battles. Once a year, Thalia and her people put on shows in Gaius and Nero’s Circus and in the Naumachia, though not when it is full of water.

When we got there I found that the entertainers were living next to the Circus. They had created a village of tents, alongside which were cages and pens for their menagerie. I could hear barking and roaring from some distance away. The tents were all sizes and made of different materials, such as skins, felt, leather and hemp. Most had fancy swags or banners hung on them so the effect was untidy but cheerful. On average, the tents had long ridge poles and straight sides, like temples, but some were round with pointed or domed roofs, like the famous Hut of Romulus on the Palatine Hill to which I had once been taken as an educational visit. It is made of sticks and smells bad inside.

Thalia had the largest tent, a long dark red one that I saw at once was luxurious compared to the others, so this showed that she was the most important person here. I was glad that I was not expected to live in an inferior tent.

Her tent had a fine round entrance with a domed roof. When we arrived, Thalia said, ‘Stay here for a mo’ in the pavilion and don’t touch anything.’ Adding, ‘I know what men are like! Juno, don’t I know it …’ I hoped she wouldn’t tell me anything embarrassing about why she said that.

Left on my own, I stood in the doorway, letting my eyes grow accustomed to the dim interior. Soon I made out that the inside roof of the first part was decorated in moon and stars designs. This formed a reception area. Beyond it lay one long private room, but big enough for Thalia’s bed, and many piles and baskets of stuff. There were wooden supports at various places, which you had to dodge around. Thinking about it afterwards, a furious chase could happen around those tent poles if somebody was trying to rush away from a dangerous antagonist. No antagonist would come after Thalia, they would be too scared of her.

She had dumped my possessions on the ground while she went off to stable the donkey. I noticed that its welfare was more important than seeing to me, which was because Thalia is good with animals. In my experience, she is less good with boys. But she thinks she is. When she came back, I was still standing in the doorway. She gave me a suspicious glance as if she thought I probably had gone in and touched things, though of course she found no evidence. I am very good at not leaving a trail.

‘Come in, don’t be shy, Postumus. Nobody’s going to eat you,’ she said. Then ‘Oh!’ she exclaimed, showing that she is an alert woman. ‘I ought to have said something about my snake – I suppose you met Jason?’

Yes, I had.

While I was by myself, waiting for her to come back, I heard a sudden rustling noise. There was a large pile of cluttered up garments and what looked like curtains close to the doorway. I was rather surprised when I saw that the tangled mound was moving. Out of it slid Jason. He had come to have a look at me. I looked right back, which he seemed not to be expecting.

I knew who he was. I had heard about him. My father hates him. Falco tells us anecdotes. He has known this snake for many years from encounters with Thalia. He always says Jason looks for a reason to run up inside his tunic and bite him somewhere painful. I knew that pythons can bite; they really overpower their prey by squeezing tight until they are suffocated, but snakes do have teeth, which are sharp, to help them fasten on to their prey while they start constricting.

You probably wonder why a boy who was brought up in a nice home in Rome knows all the facts about snakes. We have a library, which contains an encyclopaedia. I am allowed to read whatever articles I like, so long as I don’t drop ink or parts of my lunch on the scrolls, also if anyone else has left a slip to mark their place while they are working, I must never remove it. I don’t, although sometimes for fun I add a lot of extra slips to confuse people, poked in beside articles no one would ever want to read, for example on Theological Syncretism or on the Sieve of Eratosthenes. I wish I had my own sieve, the Sieve of Postumus.

I looked up snakes. As soon as I was told that I had a mother who owned pythons and who danced with them in public, I thought I had best know what I had to deal with. So I knew what to expect from Jason when he slithered out of the garments and curtains. Sections of him kept coming until he was six feet in length. That meant he was fully grown. If he seized hold of me, I would find him powerful and hard to escape.

His markings were mainly shimmery gold, with irregular patterns of dark brown and sometimes white, as if his skin had cracked and deeper colours were leaking through. He had dark eyes, so I could tell he was not shedding his skin, which I had learned would make his eyes turn blue. His head was shaped like a trowel and I looked at his mouth carefully because I had been told that a large python can eat a small boy. Only a very sensational encyclopaedia would inform you of that, but I heard it from Katutis, my father’s secretary. Katutis comes from Egypt and likes to tell me amazing nonsense to see if I foolishly believe him. It is a very annoying habit. Why would a person want to be a nuisance to somebody else?

Sizing up the situation carefully, I could not see how I would fit in, even though snakes’ mouths are specially hinged to enable them to eat large things. My sisters call me chubby, which would now be very useful if it protected me from Jason.

I wondered if he would let me take hold of his jaws to test how wide his mouth would open. It might be premature to try so I would observe him more, before I did any experiments. Experiments need to be thoughtfully planned. I have learned that by having them go wrong.

He reared up and swung about, taking a good look at me. His tongue was flickering. That is so they can smell you. A nervous boy might have been frightened but I decided not to let him think it. My father had always told us Jason was a bully. Father says you have to stand up to bullies because they will be very surprised. Sometimes for a joke, he adds they will be so surprised they’ll hit you harder. But you will feel better in yourself, he adds comfortingly.

I folded my arms and said in a clear voice: ‘My name is Marcus Didius Alexander Postumus and I have come to live here. Thalia is my birth mother so I shall have certain privileges. I expect you believe you are king of this pavilion, but all that is now changing. Don’t give me any trouble or I shall be compelled to assert my authority.’

He hissed at me.

‘I presume you are insecure and nervous,’ I replied calmly to the presumptuous python. Falco had warned me he had a nasty attitude. ‘But that’s enough nonsense, Jason.’ I thought about picking him up and putting him back in his pile of curtains, but I could see he was too big. If he was stretched up vertically by his pointed tail, he would be one and a half times as high as I am. His body was fat and round, indicating he would weigh a lot if anyone tried to lift him and put him away to make the tent tidier.

To subdue him I would have to use my superior status and personality. ‘Behave yourself please. I am the young master and you will just have to put up with it.’

Jason immediately became cowed. He curled up in a ball as if he was trying to hide. That was when my mother came back.

‘I’m glad to find you getting on so well together,’ she remarked. ‘If you have an old tunic you don’t want to wear, we can put it near his nest so he can get used to your scent.’

I did have an old tunic in my luggage, because when Helena was packing for me she had said, ‘I shall put this in, darling, so you can make a bed for Ferret where he will feel at home.’ She had not said she was relieved to be getting rid of him because of him scenting his territory all around our house, although I knew she must be. Mothers are a little fussy about smells. He also jumped out at people unexpectedly while he was busy exploring.

Anyway, instead of complaining, Helena Justina stroked his fur and told me she would miss him. ‘Though not as much as I shall miss you, Postumus.’ This was an example of her being a kind and loving mother, which she is. I decided I should jump into her arms and hug her in case Helena was feeling miserable about me going.

Look after your mother, Father always says. Of course I am a dutiful boy. Still, it was going to be rather time-consuming, now I had two.

Thalia told me some more about Jason, who remained curled up. ‘He’ll soon unwind his daft self and come nosing out to see who I’ve brought to live here. Snakes are inquisitive and they love to explore.’ I informed her that the same is true of ferrets. Mine would be popping his head out of my sleeve any moment to look around the place where I had brought him. He likes expeditions, though I have to keep hold of him in case he runs into any dark places and I can’t lure him back out.

‘Hmm,’ answered Thalia, in the kind of voice people use when you have just asked for permission to go outside and watch two drunk men fighting one another on the embankment. I now realise she must have been thinking Ferret might pop inside Jason for a look around in him, and Jason would eagerly let him become lunch. ‘Don’t go upsetting my big boy, Postumus; pythons easily go right off their food if they are worried about anything. Next time someone catches a rat I can show you how I have to tempt this big softie into eating.’ She had a thought. ‘As for your ferret, I suggest you keep him close with you, where you can supervise what he gets up to.’