The Stage (Phoenix Rising #1) (36 page)

“You mean more to me than I can really say.” Okay. That doesn’t sound right either and his body language still says
that’s not enough
. “This is right, us. I want a future with you. If you want one with me, and with Riley.” He takes a deep breath and smiles, looking up at the ceiling. He pulls me into his chest and holds me. As our naked bodies press into one another, with the steamy air surrounding us and the light just starting to come in through the window, I feel closer than I did when we were actually being intimate.

“I want a future with you.” He laughs, but not as if it’s funny, but more like he’s relieved. “Come on,” he says, turning off the water and pulling a towel off the top of the shower curtain. He rubs me dry first as I watch water drip down his chest and into the V of his hips. It’s still embarrassing to look at his naked body. Although, he doesn’t seem self-conscious. It’s amazing after everything we’ve just done that I’d still be a little prudish.

After we’re semi-dressed, him in his boxer briefs, me in the shirt he was wearing yesterday, we lie down on the bed. He runs his fingers through my wet hair until my eyes feel heavy and I can’t keep them open anymore. It’s like we’ve finally gotten to a point where we can be still and calm. This, after a full night of finally expressing our feelings. Still, I think he took it easy on me.

There’s still this nagging feeling. Will I ever be enough?

I hear a wimpy knock on the door, but my limbs are too heavy to respond. The door opens and I hear noises that sound like whispering. I open my eyes and watch Kolton place a tray of food on the small table near my leftover cake. My stomach rumbles and I sit upright.

“Come eat with me,” he says. I stand up, wobble a little like a tired drunk, yawn and stretch my tired muscles. I feel it everywhere as I sit down and start devouring food into my hungry stomach. We’ve worked off the fattening dinner from last night. I’m famished.

“You didn’t want me to see, did you?” I ask, taking a bite of toast and a sip of orange juice, peeking at him from under my lashes. He looks confused for a second and then a knowing look crosses his face. He nods.

“I knew you would’ve been—intimidated.”

“It didn’t seem to stop all the—others,” I add, instantly feeling bad. It’s my defense to feeling like I’m less than the sum of all of them.

“Those were different kinds of women than you. Those women were using me, Mia.”

“You mean, like your panther song?”

“You and Riley keep calling it a panther. It’s a tiger. A tiger,” he repeats, looking amused. I laugh a little, my mouth full.

“I would’ve been shocked. I mean, I was, but then it was too late.”

“I wanted you sore,” he tells me, his jaw clenching. “I want to erase any other guy from your mind.”

“There was just one guy, Kolton. His name was Dean. And we never did anything like—”

“How old were you?” he asks.

“Seventeen. You?”

“I was really young the first time. Uncle Tedd had a housekeeper—”

“How old were you?”

“Twelve.”
Holy shit.

“She was a grown up?” I ask. He nods and crosses his arm across his naked chest.

“She walked in on me getting dressed. She saw me and something changed in her eyes. She was really pretty.”

“Kolton—I—”

“I got hard just from her looking at me like that.”

“You were just a little boy.”

“She went down on me. I came quick, but she came back the next day with condoms.” Tears start forming in my eyes. He’s like a raging fire of memories, his eyes distant, sad. “She came into my room when I was on the computer. I mean, I wanted to and she was beautiful. She got on top.”

“Please. Stop telling me this.”

“But I learned then how I could get affection. Sex is different that the comfort a parent gives a child. But it met that need for affection I didn’t have any more because they were gone.” He stops then and his voice hitches slightly. I realize he’s telling me something so important that I’d better let him talk, even though it’s hard for me to listen to.

“Sex, it felt good, and I got addicted to it,” he says. “After several times with her, I was good at it. And then all these years, it was the only way to feel close to anyone.” I close my eyes and take his hand; it’s shaking a little. “But it never felt, in all these years, like it felt like with you. It was empty before. That’s why I kept having to do more—more women, anytime I wanted. With my career, girls were throwing themselves at my dick, basically. They used me just like I used them. But it’s nothing like you. Please understand that, okay?”

I stand up and sit on his lap, burying my face in his neck. Sharing this with me, being so candid and willing to open up. I can’t even process it.

I take a piece of toast and feed him like a mother feeds a child. He smiles and takes a bite.

“You’d better get up or this breakfast is gonna get cold, while the bed gets warm again,” he says.

*     *     *

I keep trying to show him I don’t look at him differently since he’s told me about his abuse. It’s hard to wrap my mind around it and he looks at me with this worried face when I start to drift into my thoughts. It all makes sense, though, as we fly toward the Wilshire Thayer, that he would become a sex addict because he was abused as a child.

When we land, he gets my bag for me and holds my hand as we walk toward the elevator. “Do you have a therapist?” I ask.

“Not what I thought you’d say to me right now. I was thinking more like, when can I see you again?” he says, winking.

“But, unless you get help—you know—about the abuse. I mean. I can’t heal you, Kolton. You have to get support,” I say, as we walk down the stairs together.

When we get to the elevator door, he leans into me until my back presses against the corner of the elevator door. “I’ve been seeing a therapist since the week I saw you outside the studio.”

“Why since that week?” I ask, resting my hand on his hip.

“I wanted to stop—I already wanted to but then I saw you. I wanted to be good enough for you, someday.” He looks down.

“I feel the same way about you, like I’ll never be enough.” He takes the tip of his finger and runs it along my jaw line.

“You have no idea how ironic that statement is, because it’s the exact opposite of the actual truth.”

“You know, that
is
the definition of irony.”

“Of course. I paid attention in English class.”

“Everybody always thinks it’s when something’s unfortunate or really unfair.”

“I know. Drives me nuts.”

“Me, too.” I say, and it’s funny just how much we have in common. But then he pushes the elevator button. The door opens and he steps inside with me.

“We don’t have long until we need to get to the studio, separately.” I nod, as the elevator takes the short trip down one floor. When the doors open, we’re inside the foyer. I think he’s going to come in with me. Besides, Riley and Deloris might not even be up yet. He shakes his head ‘no,’ leans forward, and tilts my chin up with his thumbs. His kiss is soft and hard at the same time.

It means that we’re lovers now, but I can tell there’s desperation in it, too. Like what we have together is sand that’s hard to scoop into the future with just our hands. We move apart, one finger letting go at a time, and I step out. I blink and watch the door close on him.

I stand here, stunned. I know I’m going to see him in just about an hour, but it will be harder than ever to hide what we are, what we’ve shared not only physically, but what he shared about his past.

I have so many questions about her, though. Does she still work at his uncle’s house? How long did it go on? Does he still see her? Those uncertainties make me anxious. I want her punished. It’s heartbreaking, but I don’t want to just move on from it.

That he opened up with me makes what we’ve shared worth so much more. It makes our connection deeper, knowing we give each other something the other needs. Not sex. Sex didn’t come into play until just now. It’s something more than that. It’s a connection, going into our histories and forward into our futures. It’s like a lifeline between he and I. Is it? It’s too early for the “L” word but pretty damn close. It’s like a whole bunch of tiny music notes written on the page, just wishing to have lyrics added. Just waiting to be sung.

As I walk up the stairs to my room to change my clothes I’m thinking about what stands in our way. Just a few more weeks. What could possibly go wrong?

*     *     *

Manny takes me to the studio. We don’t have to pretend to go to the hotel anymore and take the shuttle. The secret’s out. Well, not the new secret. That’s still right on the tip of my tongue. It’s a little difficult to turn down the volume on my body. Being in that constant state of arousal for so many hours can’t be shut off like a switch.

It doesn’t help that I can still smell him on me, in me. It’s more than erotic to think he’s marked me with his scent. It really is an animalistic need to be claimed and possessed by the one that’s yours and that you belong to.

When I walk onto the set, a few people start whispering behind my back. My phone buzzes and I check it for the first time since yesterday.

It’s a text from Kaya:

Kaya Davis 916-206-2457

08:02 AM

Did you go to Catalina with Kolton Royce?

Is the room spinning? A quick-sweat forms on my forehead and the back of my neck. My heart’s pounding, my hands shaking as I read her words again to make sure they’re real. If she knows, do they all know, too?

I wander to a dark spot near some props and hide in the shadows. I open Google and type
Kolton Mia Catalina
into my browser.

The first thing I see is a picture of us coming out of the room with the balcony. I click the picture. It’s a
Huffington Post
article. I mean GOS~P is reputable, but known for sensationalism. This is an actual news organization. This is hugely out of control.

I can’t read it because the words are jumbling together and I can’t form meanings. How would anyone have known we were there?

I scroll down and find another picture of Kolton helping me into the helicopter in the still-dim morning light. In the next one, he kisses me as he helps me put the seatbelt on. We look so happy. In the last one, he’s climbing up into the pilot’s seat and he’s looking at me smiling and I’m smiling at him. He looks relaxed and there’s a sense of intimacy between us. I might as well put on the Scarlett Letter “A” for, yeah, I had sex with him.

I want to run away, but that’s not going to help me this time so I take a deep breath and walk out of the shadow. I check my online schedule and report to the room where I’m scheduled to go over my songs for this week. Joyce is waiting for me inside. My heart drops, heavy and guilty. No one else is here.

“All we can do now is damage control,” she says, sitting there so innocently in her grey suit. “It turns out, viewers really like your story. Not just the one where you survive the fire and save your sister’s life, but the one where you tame the bad boy, Kolton Royce.”

“No. I’m sorry, but we’ll need to talk to Kolton about this.”

“Oh no, Mia. When you signed your contract you agreed to let us portray you in any way we see fit. And the viewers want a love story. They made it pretty clear when they voted for you and Kolton to sing “Stay” by Rhianna with Mikky Ekko. With their comments on our Facebook wall and all the Twitter replies.”

“My life is not a plot in your show, Joyce. That’s not fair. It cheapens it. It makes it fake and—”

“You should have thought about that before you went to a hotel room in Catalina with Kolton and had loud sex all night.”

“What?”

“I guess you haven’t read the articles. People from the hotel are talking. People on the island saw you two in the boat the night before. For all I know, Kolton planned to have you two photographed together. Word is he’s sick of hiding.”

“He wouldn’t do that.” My heart is pounding, my chest tight.

“Mia, this is show business. People stab you in the back while you’re looking them dead in the face.”

“I guess they do,” I say, looking her right in the face as she metaphorically stabs me in the back right now. “We were careful. No one was supposed to know.”