Read The Stepsister Scheme Online
Authors: Jim C. Hines
The Stepsister Scheme (20 page)
Danielle’s legs gave out, and she rolled onto her back hard enough to bruise. Talia followed, landing in a crouch and then turning to survey the bar. She sighed and helped Danielle to her feet.
So this was a pixie bar. There were no tables, no barmaids weaving through the crowds. The room was roughly cylindrical, about the size of her bedchamber back at the palace. Smaller openings were scattered across the walls. Benches jutted out at all heights. Others crisscrossed the room. The largest bench passed in front of Danielle’s face, where a small man tapped his foot impatiently.
“You lost?” he asked. Gossamer wings quivered, giving off green light and shedding sparks that disappeared before they touched the ground. He was bare-foot, clad in loose brown trousers and a top that made an X across his chest, then disappeared between his wings. Green hair poofed from his head like a dandelion.
Danielle looked around. Most of the pixies in the room were watching her. Their curious stares brought back memories of her first time in the palace. Despite her finery, she had been certain everyone at the ball would see through her disguise to the rag-wearing, filth-covered girl she truly was.
As she had done that night, Danielle grabbed those feelings of insecurity and choked them into silence. Meeting the pixie’s gaze, she said, “That depends. Is this the Tipsy Oak?”
One caterpillar eyebrow rose slightly. “Sure is.”
“Then we’re not lost.”
Talia cleared her throat. “Do you have anything to drink that doesn’t come in a thimble?”
The pixie chuckled. “Girl, I’ve got a snapdragon mead that’ll put wings on your back with a single swallow. Take two, and you’ll think you’re queen of the fairies. Assuming your human blood can handle a pixie drink, that is.”
Talia matched his smile and began to respond, but Snow caught her arm and said, “The prince, remember?”
Talia sighed. “We’re looking for a gnome named Arlorran. Is he here?”
Wordlessly, the pixie turned to point to one of the upper benches. Near the roof where the bar was darkest sat a gnome. He towered over the pixies, though he was at best half Danielle’s height. He was dressed all in red, save for a flat blue cap that hung down over his right eye. His white beard was stained yellow around the lips, either from drink or the ivory pipe he was smoking. Two pixie women sat to either side, sipping their drinks.
“How do we get to . . . ?” Danielle’s voice trailed off. Talia was already climbing toward the gnome, using the benches to pull herself up. Danielle did her best to follow. The benches were more than wide enough, but they crossed at such random angles that she had to bend and twist to get from one to the next. She did her best to ignore the pixies who were watching with obvious amusement.
One pixie, giving off a cheerful blue light, leaned to a friend and said, “Next round’s on me if she makes it without taking a tumble.”
Arlorran hadn’t appeared to notice them. All of his attention was on the two pixie women. “I’m telling you, lass,” he said to the one on his left, who glowed bright yellow. “Once you go gnome, you’ll never go home.”
He swayed slightly as he leaned toward the pixie, his lips puckered. The pixie’s wings flashed, and flames shot up from the end of Arlorran’s pipe, igniting his beard.
“Grabblethorn’s buttocks!” he swore, pouring some of his drink over his chin to extinguish the flames. Both pixies slipped off of the bench and flew away, giggling. Arlorran stuck the end of his beard into his mouth and sucked it dry.
Talia stopped long enough to glance at Snow. “Tell me there’s another gnome around here.”
By now, Arlorran seemed to have recovered from the pixie’s attack. Aside from a blackened spot on his beard, he looked no worse for wear.
“You’re Arlorran?” Danielle asked.
He blinked. “For a nubile human lady like yourself, I’ll be anyone you want.”
“We want Arlorran,” said Talia.
“Oh, and Arlorran wants you, my lovely.” He patted the bench. “Why don’t you plant that lovely behind right here, and we’ll see what we can do for one another.”
Snow giggled, though she stopped immediately when Talia glared at her. She pulled herself up and said, “Arlorran, it’s me.”
The gnome lifted his cap, and his expression brightened. “Snow? Is that you?” He laughed. “I thought you’d never take me up on my offer. And you brought friends!”
“Why did you stop talking to me?” Snow demanded.
Arlorran’s smile faded. “Been busy. Nothing personal, lass.”
“Can you worry about your hurt feelings later?” asked Talia.
“Fine. We need your help, Arlorran,” Snow said. Before the gnome could answer, she twisted onto the bench beside him and said, “
Not
that kind of help.”
Not
that kind of help.”
Danielle sat down on his other side. She had to hold the edge to keep from slipping off, and the handle of her sword jabbed her ribs.
“Athletic, aren’t you?” said Arlorran. He gave Talia an appreciative smile as she sat beside Snow. The bench creaked slightly under their combined weight, but the wood was stronger than it appeared. “My lucky day. Yours, too, and that’s a fact.”
“I’m married,” Danielle said.
“’S good. You’ll know what you’re doing, then. I’ve no time for amateurs.”
“This is your contact in Fairytown?” Talia asked. “A drunken, crippled old gnome?”
Arlorran’s brow furrowed. “’M not crippled.”
“Touch my leg again, and you will be.”
“No need for that,” Arlorran said. He downed the rest of his drink, then tossed the empty cup into the air. A streak of purple light shot through the bar, resolving into a pixie woman who caught the cup in both hands.
“Bring me another,” Arlorran said. “My friends are buying.”
Gritting her teeth, Talia reached into a pocket and tossed a silver coin to the pixie, who caught it in the cup and disappeared.
“You should have told me you were coming for a visit,” Arlorran said. He picked at the burned patch on his beard.
“I tried!” Snow said. “You stopped answering, remember?”
“True enough, true enough. I’ve been preoccupied these past few weeks. I’m surprised you haven’t forgotten all about old Arlorran.”
Snow plucked his beard from his hands and curled it through her fingers. “Now how could I forget such a cute little gnome?”
Arlorran chuckled and turned to Danielle. “So you’re the one.” He bent to look at her boots, and might have fallen if Danielle hadn’t grabbed him by the collar and pulled him back. “Don’t look like glass to me.”
Snow shrugged. “He wanted me to tell him about the wedding. He sounds like a lecherous old man, but he’s really a romantic sap.”
Arlorran shook his head. “Sorry, lass. I’m lecherous through and through. Happy to prove it to you.”
“Snow said you could help us,” Danielle said.
“Maybe. Who is it you’re trying to find?”
Danielle glanced at Talia and Snow. “How did you know we were looking for someone?”
“I’m the Royal Summoner for Her Majesty the Queen.” Arlorran straightened. “It’s what I do. My gift from the gods, if you will. Most of the time, it’s nothing more than enchanting a new goblin so folks can call him to lead them through the hedge.”
The purple pixie returned with Arlorran’s drink.
“Thanks, Fraxxle,” said Arlorran. He took a deep swallow, then sighed. “I do special assignments for the queen herself, along with the occasional freelance job. When the price is right. Summoning a dryad across the chasm to frolic with the satyrs, for instance. Tragic, that chasm your people made. The dryads wound up on the king’s side, while the queen kept the satyrs for herself. They sneak across the bridge sometimes, but my way’s quicker and safer.”
“Does that mean you’ll help us?” Danielle asked.
“For such lovely women as yourselves, I might be able to assist you, for a small fee. Maybe something like—”
Talia reached around to pluck the cup from his hand. Ignoring his squawks, she took a quick sip, then said, “Think long and hard before you finish that sentence, gnome.”
“Right.” Arlorran snorted, and his gaze went to Danielle’s stomach. His eyes lit up. “In that case, how about—”
This time it was Danielle who interrupted. “If you ask me for my unborn child, I’ll have Talia stuff you into your own pipe.”
“Humans,” muttered the gnome. “Some of you treat your kids like they’re dragon’s gold. Others trade their offspring for a good drink, or even a mediocre one. Speaking of which, I believe that’s mine.” He leaned over to grab his cup back from Talia. “And you still haven’t told me who it is you’re looking for.”
“My husband,” said Danielle. She lowered her voice. The closest benches were empty, but who knew how acute the pixies’ hearing was. “Prince Armand.”
Arlorran raised his cup. “A right bastard, leaving you in such a state. Now a gnomish man, he’s loyal to his mate. None of this sneaking away in the night, abandoning—”
“He was kidnapped,” said Talia. “They brought him to Fairytown.”
Slowly, Arlorran lowered his drink. His voice soft, he said, “That’s a serious accusation. We’re not in the habit of allowing criminals through these walls. These kidnappers, were they human?”
Danielle nodded.
“Then they’d need magic to get in.” He sucked on his pipe, but the embers had died. He harrumphed and held it out to Snow. “Do you mind, hon?”
Snow touched her mirror, and a tiny flame appeared on the tip of her finger. She poked the bowl of the pipe until a thread of smoke began to rise.
“That’s better. So tell me, who is it that took your husband?”
“My stepsister,” said Danielle.
“Witch?”
“Charlotte’s the one who told me about it, but Stacia was involved as well. I’m not sure—”
“No, no,” Arlorran said, rolling his eyes. “I mean, is she a witch?”
Danielle hesitated. “I guess so.”
Arlorran sucked his pipe, then blew smoke toward a pink pixie on a higher bench. “Can’t help you. Sorry.”
“Why not?” asked Snow.
“Summoning is a temperamental magic,” Arlorran said gently. “Goblins are easy. The blue runts have no real willpower to speak of. I can do most humans, too. Or I could if the treaty didn’t forbid it. But witches are another matter. If they’re strong enough to take your husband and get through the hedge, they’re strong enough to bind him, too. I’d like to help you, but there’s no way I’ll be able to yank him away from your stepsisters.”
Danielle turned to Snow, pleading without words for her to argue.
“I don’t understand,” said Snow. “You told me you were the most powerful summoner in history, that you could conjure the lice from a beggar on the far side of the world.”
“Right, and I told those lovely pixie girls I was only a century old. What’s your point?”
“You lied,” Snow whispered.
“People do that,” said Talia, shaking her head in disgust. “Come on. This is a waste of time. We’ll find him ourselves.”
“Hey now, don’t be like that,” said Arlorran. “You ladies wouldn’t understand, looking the way you do. But for someone like me, all old and shrunken and wrinkly, how else am I supposed to hold the attention of such a lovely woman?”
Danielle saw Snow smile, though she raised a hand to hide it the moment Talia turned toward her.
“I’m the summoner for the queen, that much is true. But magic has limits. You know that.” He took another puff from his pipe. The smoke made Danielle’s eyes burn. “Sorry, lass. I wish I could help, I truly do.”
“You haven’t even tried,” Danielle said. “Charlotte and Stacia are new at this. They might not have thought to protect Armand from a summoning spell. Or maybe they made a mistake. You can’t just give up.”
“Actually, I can,” said Arlorran. “It’s my right as a bitter, half-drunk old gnome to give up any time I like.” He grinned and finished the rest of his drink. “And once I’m fully drunk, it will be my right to go home and pass out until it’s time to enchant the next filthy, foul-mouthed, rat-eating goblin.”
Snow reached out to touch his arm. “Please try,” she said. “For me? I’ve so wanted to see gnomish magic in person.” She lowered her eyelashes. “There’s so much you could teach me, and it seems the least you could do, after the way you deceived me.”
“Not tonight, ladies.” He hopped down, landing hard on another bench. “I hope you find your fellow, truly I do. But if things don’t work out and you find yourselves in need of . . . comfort . . .” Eyebrows wagged as he slid down to the next bench. “Now, if you’ll excuse me,” he yelled.
“Where are you going?” Danielle asked.
Arlorran patted his stomach. “Water the trees. Too much pixie juice.” He gave them a quick salute with his empty cup, then hurried along the bench toward a small, satin-curtained opening in the wall, where he disappeared.
Snow was already unclasping her choker. She held it in front of her and squinted at the center mirror. When nothing happened, she tapped the glass a few times with her nail.
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