The Streets Keep Calling (17 page)

Had I made the right choice, taking the rap for Trixy's murder? It was all I could think about that night I was arrested. When I heard those cops say my name, I knew it was all over. I said a quick, silent prayer, and asked God to forgive me for everything I had done. I had messed up so many innocent people along my journey, and I was tired of the life I was living. I felt like taking the rap was my own way of paying for all the pain I'd caused everyone. Now, as I lay up in my bed, all I could think about was if I had made the right descision.

It didn't take long for the news to spread that I was locked up. The letters and visits started pouring in after a couple of days of me being back in here. My first letter was from Tanisha. She'd been on my mind since the incident at the crib, but I never had the courage to hit her up. I didn't know what to say. As I opened her letter, I already knew what to expect. I read the first line. As I expected, she was very concerned about my well–being, but after expressing her worries and concerns came the words, “I'm sorry.” What followed was an explanation of why she could no longer be with me. I truly loved Tanisha and I knew she was a good woman, so that's why I knew I had to let her go. After reading the letter I threw it away. I didn't even bother to write her back.

Letters from my mom, grandmother, and kids followed. Realizing I was about to be away from my kids again really fucked me up. My mom never told me she was disappointed in me, but I knew she was. She said in her letters that she didn't have the heart to come and visit me yet, because she didn't think she could handle seeing me locked up again. Grandma, on the other hand, told me straight up she wasn't coming to see me. She said she would never stop loving me and she would pray for me until the day she died, but until I got right with the Lord, she couldn't do much else for me. She told me she was holding the necklace Moses had given me, and when I was ready to where it again, she would send it to me.

Trixy and Junior were the first to visit. I had to admit, I was excited as hell to see them, and they were just as happy to see me. At our visit I got some unexpected news. I found out Junior was my son. I didn't know if that was good news or bad news considering the situation I was currently in.

After our visit I headed back to my cell in a daze. It was time to reevaluate things. As I lay on the bed in my prison cell, I wondered what the hell I'd gotten myself into. It seemed like just the other day I was released from prison, and now I found myself right back in jail again. No, this wasn't the plan I'd had, but it was the life I'd lived. The streets were all I knew. Live by the game die by the game. The game hadn't killed me physically, but sitting in my jail cell I wondered if I could consider myself to still be living.