The Swarm Trilogy (57 page)

“For what purpose?” She didn’t meet my eyes. Instead, she continued to fumble with the herbs. Although she was old, Johna’s fingers were still comfortable with the tiniest of tasks.

“I think I know what Wren’s warning was about.”

A sigh escaped her lips, her eyes still downcast. “And that is?”

I clenched my hands together, sweat making them slippery. “I want to sever everyone, like you did to my mother.”

Johna froze.

“I need to know if it can be done.”

Her chin lifted, slowly, her eyes narrowing. “You will meet opposition to this idea.”

I forced my body to relax. The lavender still wafted in the air, whispering its relaxing reminder in my brain. Despite everything, my shoulder muscles tensed.

“A magical council of rulers won’t consent to me hatching a plan to rid them of their magic?”

Johna smiled at the irony in my voice. She nodded her head. “They will not give you clearance for this.”

“I have to try. I can’t do it without help. I don’t know enough.”

“I know.”

“So tell me how to find them. Please.” If I thought dropping to my knees would help, I would have done it in a heartbeat. I knew Johna, though. She didn’t like weakness, even if it was only for show. She’d respect me more if I stood my ground.

“We are meeting tonight. Meet me back here not long before the sun sets. I’ll bring you with me.”

I skirted around the table, taking Johna in my arms. Squeezing her gently, I pressed my cheek against hers. “Thank you.”

She pushed me away, but kept her hands on my shoulders. “You are special, Lianne. I support you, no matter what those old fools say. Just remember that.”

I nodded. “I want the fighting to end. Getting rid of the magic and their memories will do that.”

“Until they find something new to fight about. It’s in our nature to fight.” Johna raised an eyebrow. “And love.”

A sigh escaped my lips, but it wasn’t out of frustration. I needed to talk to Chase too. I couldn’t solve everything at once. It was possible everyone was depending on me. I had the power, the plan, to change our entire reality. Yet, I couldn’t stop thinking about Chase. Was my heart more important than saving everyone?

“Get something to eat, Lianne. There’s plenty of time before the council meets tonight. Time to think. Time to rest. Time to perhaps sort out some other things you’ve been meaning to do.”

“Are you reading my mind?”

“No, child. Anyone could read it on your face. I know where Chase is. Do you want me to send him to see you?”

I hesitated. I couldn’t just blurt out my feelings to him. Everything needed to be just right. I glanced out the window at the people milling around. It was so like life back in Fithia, until the Dalagan army came and decimated their way of life. Was my heart really more important than the lives of thousands?

“No. I can talk to him later.”

“If you succeed in convincing the council of your plan, there won’t be a later. You won’t remember whatever it is you need to tell him.”

A dagger slit my heart in two, spilling out everything I’d tried so hard to contain. I’d lost one love. If I went through with this, I would lose another before he ever knew I returned his feelings. I didn’t know which was worse. Blood pounded through my veins, begging for release. I couldn’t tell if it wanted war, or love. My breath quickened.

“You know where Chase is?”

Johna nodded.

“Then, please, send him to my chambers.”

A smile twitched at the corner of Johna’s mouth, but I ignored it. I knew she found the whole thing funny. I also knew she’d been a girl once, one who must have experienced love.

“Thank you. For everything. Not just for the help meeting with the council, but for making me realize what I might lose.”

“Of course, child. Now off with you. Get some food. You don’t want to face any of this on an empty stomach. I’ll make sure Chase is at your door soon. But, remember, you need to be here before I leave for the council meeting. I will leave without you if you’re not here.”

“I understand. I’ll be here. I promise.”

Chapter Twenty-Three

I smoothed my dress for the millionth time. It had taken some doing, but I’d managed to make myself look a little less scary than normal. Even though the dress was one of the black ones I’d worn for months, I tucked the sides up a bit with pins, giving it a flounce. I pulled my hair back, pinning strands together. I didn’t want to look like I’d tried too hard. I also didn’t want to look like the terrifying woman who’d scared everyone in the hallway. Chase had always seen past that. Still, I wanted him to know that I tried for him.

A knock at the door interrupted the longest time I’d ever stared at myself in a mirror. I stuck my tongue out, and then ran for the door. I stopped in front of it, my hand on the knob. I took in metered breaths, forcing my heart to pump normally.

I opened the door and found Chase standing patiently outside of it. He wasn’t wearing his normal smile. I reminded myself I’d done nothing but irritate him. Of course he wouldn’t be raring to sweep me into his arms. He didn’t even know why I wanted to see him.

“Come on in.” I held my arm out, stepping aside to give him room to enter.

Chase strode in and stood stiffly on the other side of the room from me. “Johna said you wanted to see me?”

“I did. I mean, I do.” I stuttered, cursing my self-consciousness. It was the same Chase who’d kidnapped me in the forest for my own safety. The same Chase who’d told me he loved me. The same Chase who I’d fallen irrevocably in love with.

I just didn’t know how to tell him without blurting it out. I wasn’t one of those girls who knew how to flutter her eyelashes at a guy. My only come hither looks were intense glares I shot at my sparring opponents. The last thing I needed was to fight with Chase again.

Chase shifted from one foot to the other. “I don’t have all day, Lianne. If there’s something you need from me, let me know now.”

I twisted my hands behind my back. I couldn’t understand why it had to be so hard. I wanted nothing more than to fall into his arms and profess my love, but I couldn’t even take the first step forward. My boots were frozen to the ground.

“What do you need?” he repeated. He glared me. Tentatively, I placed my hand on his arm. He stiffened, still keeping himself on his guard. I’d turned him away too many times.

“We have until sunset,” I whispered, tracing his arm with my finger.

His muscles stiffened even more. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I love you, Chase.”

Chase’s arms fell to his side. “Did you just say what I think you said?”

I stepped away from him and spun around. “Don’t you see what I did to my dress? To my hair? It was for you.”

He squinted his eyes, and then crossed the space between us with one large step. His fingers swept my hair, untangling the strands from the pins. He pulled them out and tossed them on the floor. “I like you just the way you were. You don’t need to do that for me.”

His hands traveled through my hair, stopping at the back of my neck. He grabbed my hair gently, pulling it down, forcing my face up to his. “Tell me what you want.”

“Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss m-” Chase’s lips fell on mine. I gasped as his lips moved over my neck. His hands pulled my top away from my neck, exposing the skin on my shoulder as he burrowed his head in the hollow of my throat, sending shivers running down my spine.

“You are so beautiful,” he said, coming up for air.

I ran my hands over his chest. With my help, his shirt went up and over his shoulders. I tossed it on the floor next to my discarded hairpins. Chase bent over, sweeping me up in his arms. My boots dangled in the air until he gently lowered me on the bed.

My hands snaked along his flat stomach. My mouth played with his neck. His body responded, pushing up against me until I felt like my chest was going to burst.

“It’s okay to touch me,” I whispered into his lips. Chase’s hands weren’t exploring my body like I wanted them to.

He pulled back, scooting a few inches away from me on the bed. “Not yet.”

“Not yet?” I was incredulous. All of this buildup for nothing? I wrapped my legs around his waist and reached out for his shoulders. “Are you sure?”

Chase’s smile blossomed. My heart fluttered. I’d finally opened up to him, asked him to kiss me, and all he wanted to do was grin. I couldn’t believe it. I glanced down, noticing my silver hair resting on my shoulders. Maybe it was too late. I’d waited too long and he’d realized I wasn’t the same girl he’d fallen for.

“Is it me?” I couldn’t look at him. I didn’t want to see his smile fade and his eyes drop when he admitted he no longer found me attractive. Or maybe my kisses weren’t what he’d thought they would be.

His palm rested on my cheek, but he didn’t urge my face upward. “It’s you. Yes. It’s everything about you.”

My stomach dropped to my feet. I should have known I wasn’t loveable anymore. I’d changed too much. I was a darker, harder version of the girl he’d had visions about. I wasn’t someone he wanted anymore.

“Oh, Lianne.”

His thumb caressed my cheek. I wanted to hold back the tears, but they dropped, one by one, on his hand. It was too much. Everything had crashed on me. I couldn’t handle all of the responsibility on my own. Chase was my rock. The only one I could truly trust. And now I might have lost him. It would have been better if I hadn’t asked him to kiss me, if I’d kept our relationship platonic.

“I want you more than words can say.” He sighed. “If I thought it was right, I would make you mine right here and now. But that’s not what I want for us.”

I grabbed his hand and placed it on my chest. “Can you feel how hard my heart is beating?”

He nodded. His hand was so close to my breast. The tension in his arm was palpable.

“I haven’t felt this way in a very long time. I want this. It’s okay.”

Chase pulled his hand back and shook his head. “Not like this. I want to court you, Lianne. I want to ask you to be my wife. I want a proper wedding.” His voice dropped. “I want to have a proper wedding night.”

I grabbed his face between my hands, making sure he was focused on me. “There may not be time.”

His eyes searched mine. He couldn’t know my urgency wasn’t just because I could no longer resist him. If we didn’t take advantage of these few hours together, we might lose each other forever.

“What are you going to do?”

“Wren’s warnings. Eloh’s visions,” I whispered, my eyes downcast. “It’s coming sooner than you think and I don’t know if anyone of us will come out the same.”

“Is there something you know that I don’t? Have you figured out what you need to do?” He took my hands in his. I shook, even more afraid of what I was about to propose to the council. I’d lose Chase’s love. I would be nothing more than a stranger to him. After everything that had happened, I was no longer sure I could go through with it.

“I have.” Yet no matter my feelings, I knew I’d do what needed to be done. Everything I’d done in the last year had been for everyone else. I looked him solidly in the eyes. “This may be the only chance we ever have to be together.”

“Tell me, Lianne. What’s going to happen?”

“You don’t know?” It was a question I needed to ask. Chase had been remarkably quiet about his visions recently.

He shook his head. “Since Bryden’s death, I haven’t had one vision about you. Our future isn’t clear. Why is that?” It was almost like he knew I had the answer to the question. What could have been a rhetorical remark on any other day hung between us like a double-edge sword.

“I’m going to attempt to sever everyone.” My voice wavered. I’d been too detached, too busy focused on how it would affect everyone else. My own memories and feelings hadn’t seemed paramount. I glanced at Chase’s heaving chest and knew that voluntarily giving him up would be one of the more painful things I’d ever chosen to do. I’d had to give up Bryden once, but deep down I knew there was a chance we’d be together again. This time, there would be no going back.

Chase pulled me into his arms. I buried my face in his chest, breathing him in. I wanted to imprint everything I could in my mind, not take one second for granted.

“How long until you set it in motion?”

My gaze fell to the window. “Only a few hours. I have to meet Johna at her chambers right before sunset. She’ll take me to the council, where hopefully I’ll get the answers I need.”

He pushed me away, gently, then leaned down and kissed me. Tingles danced along my skin, helping me put aside everything I’d just told him.

“Chase.” I put my finger on his lips. “When I said I loved you, it wasn’t because I wanted one last fling before everything changes. I meant it, with all of my heart. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t.” I thrusted my whole body against him, tightening my legs around his waist.

Chase groaned deep in his throat.

“Please, don’t make me wait. We may never have this chance again. If I have to leave this life behind, I don’t want to wonder what it would have been like to finally surrender to you.”